Episode 3 The Dog Ate My Homework

Right. OK. Let's go. Thank you. Thank you.

Let's go for rehearsal, please.

Who's in charge today?

HE SCREAMS AND ROARS

This is going to be a long show.

And...action!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hola, amigos.

I'm Iain Sterling and welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework.

If you're worried the show's going to be a little too clever for you,

look at our guests and realise that you're probably wrong.

OK. Let's take the register.

On my right, a girl who, in physics class,

invented a time machine so she could travel into the future.

And she did, all the way to home time.

It's Charlotte, everyone.

Here, Sir!

And, on Charlotte's team, we had a chair to fill,

and who better to fill it than an actual Phil?

It's Phil Wang.

Here, Sir.

And on Charlotte's team, a man who eats comedy for breakfast - well,

at least until he gets his toaster fixed.

It's one half of Johnny and Inel, it's Johnny Cochrane.

Here, Sir!

And, to my left, a boy who's looking forward

to his 15 seconds of fame.

I'd tell you more about him but that would take 12 seconds.

It's Harrison.

Here, Sir.

And on Harrison's team, a man whose comedy's all over the place.

From All Over The Place, it's Inel Tomlinson.

Here, Sir.

And, finally, on Harrison's team, an actress and impressionist

whose impressions of her teacher used to get her laughs, cheers,

and detention.

-It's Jess Robinson.

-Here, Sir!

Can we please have a round of applause for both of our teams?

APPLAUSE

So, what's it all about?

Like I've got any idea!

No, I absolutely do have an idea.

Sorry. Our teams will battle it out to see who are the big thinkers

and who are the big stinkers,

and what they're trying to sniff out are my sweet-smelling golden stars.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

As ever, there's bonus stars

up for grabs, so everyone stay on their toes.

Even though you're sat down.

And remember, any cheek and I can shoo those stars away.

-Get away. AUDIENCE:

-Aww.

Wait! Whoa! Eh?

It's coming.

-It's Iain's school, so it's... AUDIENCE:

-Iain's rules!

Yes, please. The team with

the most stars at the end of the show are the winners,

while the losers face detention with a man with the strength

of ten large men...

..one average sized elephant...

..something else that sounds impressive.

It's Mr Smash.

HE ROARS AUDIENCE BOO

Oh! Ha-ha! Ah!

Ah-ha-HA!

-Ah-ah-ah-ah...

-NO SOUND

Huh?

HE ROARS

NO SOUND

HE ROARS

TRUMPET SOLO

MR SMASH ROARS

CHEERING

And, on that note, let's get on with the show.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

It's time now for Stick To The Point.

Stick To The Point.

This is a quickfire round.

I'll ask questions. If our teams are too slow, repeat an answer,

then I will just put them in the shush position.

Can I see your shush positions, please?

School disco.

Go!

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

First, I need my stick of pointiness.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

OK. You know the rules, guys.

Last team speaking wins, and the first topic is...

Things Associated With Australia.

Every answer must be given in an Australian accent.

Johnny.

Kangaroo.

Jess.

-Kylie Minogue.

-Lovely.

Phil Wang.

Upside down.

Inel.

Koala.

Yup. Charlotte.

Australians.

Well done, Charlotte.

-Harrison.

-Great white sharks.

That's your actual accent,

you just make it sound like a question at the end.

Great white sharks?

Good, mate, good.

-Johnny.

-Neighbours.

Yes, please. Inel.

Home And Away.

-That...

-LAUGHTER

-Geordie!

-You went Geordie.

-Say it again.

-Home And Away, lad.

LAUGHTER

I'll have to put you in the shush position, I'm afraid.

Phil.

Surfing.

I'll give you it. Jess.

-Danni Minogue.

-Yep.

Charlotte.

Koala bears.

-Have we had that?

-Yeah.

We have. Shush position. Harrison.

-Kangaroos.

-Oh, have we had that?

-Yeah.

-Shush position.

Johnny.

Barbecue.

LAUGHTER

Harder than it looks, this.

-Jess.

-Shrimp.

Yes. Put one on the...

-..Barbie.

-Yes, please.

-Johnny.

-Snakes.

LAUGHTER

-It's better than Geordie.

-Jess.

-Boomerang.

-Yes, please.

Phil.

Uluru, Ayers Rock.

LAUGHTER

It's the "rock" that makes it go a touch Glaswegian.

Rock.

-Ayers Rock.

-Shush position.

Accent went. But I did like it.

-Jess.

-Didgeridoo.

Yes. Johnny.

Um...

Oh.

Gold star goes to Harrison's team.

CHEERING

OK. Things you would take to a desert island.

-Inel.

-Water.

Going to need that because it's hot on a desert island.

What about the Shetland Islands?

Well, you're going to need water to stay dehydrated anyway.

-Cos like...

-Water to stay dehydrated?

Hydrated.

To stay hydrated.

Stay in school, children.

Charlotte.

Sombreros.

I'm going to give you a bonus gold star for that amazing accent.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-Yes.

-Inel.

-A book.

Yeah, A good book. Phil?

Oh, a record player.

I'll give you that, just. Jess.

Sun cream.

Yes, please. Johnny.

A TV so I could watch Dog Ate Your Homework.

Oh.

It's Dog Ate MY Homework.

LAUGHTER

Minus one gold star. OK.

-Harrison.

-My bed.

Yes, please.

-Charlotte.

-Swimming costume.

Yes, please. Harrison.

-My family.

-Aww.

Lovely. What, cos you can leave them all there?

See you later, suckers.

I'm keeping the house.

Bye-bye. Johnny.

-Um.

-Shush position, please.

-Jess.

-A mosquito net.

Oh, yes. Charlotte.

-A lilo.

-Harrison.

A fishing rod, to fish.

-Phil.

-A phone charger.

You plug it into the...

Into the sand.

-Inel.

-A mosquito swatter.

You know, those electric ones.

You press it and then it electrifies the racket,

and then you swat them, and they get electrified by it.

You're like, "Take that!

"You tried to bite me but I've got you instead."

And then you put it down.

You plug your charger into the sand and plug it back in.

Iain, I'm worried about him. I think he's had too much water.

He's dehydrated.

OK. Charlotte.

I don't know.

"I can't be bothered."

-Jess.

-The internet.

-Phil.

-Swimming trunks.

Phil, we've already had swimming costume, I'm afraid.

Shush position.

BELL

And the gold star in that round goes to...

Harrison's team.

CHEERING

Time now for Pie The Supply.

Pie The Supply.

We're going to meet four people, all claiming to be real PE teachers,

but only one is telling the truth.

Well, the other three, it's your own time you're wasting.

OK. Our teams must identify and then pie the supply.

So, let's meet today's PE teachers.

Teacher one, Mr Francis.

Teacher two, Miss McNeelage.

Teacher three, Mr Cunningham.

Teacher four, Ms O'Hara.

OK. Charlotte's team.

First impressions.

One of these is a PE teacher.

Charlotte, you're at school.

Which one of the four do you think looks like a teacher?

First impressions.

Number four, cos she's got her hair up.

Oh.

Harrison's team, first impressions.

That's all we're after. Who are you thinking?

Number three.

-He's quite fit.

-Quite fit!

LAUGHTER

OK. Question. Charlotte's team.

Have you any got questions you think will identify the PE teacher?

-Charlotte.

-Do your shouty voice.

If someone's not running, they're just walking,

-what would you say to them?

-Number one.

Get the kid to speed up.

On the count of three. One, two, three.

I'd say, "You're walking well

"but you could do a lot better if you ran."

There you go. Very logical approach.

You'll get there quicker if you are quicker.

-Number four.

-Now, little lady, if you don't pick up your step,

I want you to go down and do me some push-ups.

ASAP.

Ooh!

When you said little lady, you were talking to Charlotte, not me?

-I was talking to you both.

-OK.

Oh, slammed it!

Slammed by number four.

You get back up, little girl.

Come on!

You're my little girl today.

Do some push-ups.

Any more questions on this team?

If I forgot my kit, what would you make me do?

Would you let me go home?

Number one.

I'd let you do it in your bare feet.

Number three.

I'd make you wear the school leotard.

-JESS:

-Not the school leotard!

That thing's NEVER been washed.

Remember that fateful day when you forget your kit?

You've got to go to the office and get out the school leotard.

One size fits all. School leotard.

-Harrison's team.

-Hm.

What would you do if someone answered you back?

Oh, great question.

If a kid answered you back, what would you do, number two?

I would just let them. I would just let them.

-Number one?

-I'd do a cartwheel.

He would! If I answered someone back and he'd done a cartwheel,

I'd be like, "Fair play, mate."

OK, guys, to the audience.

Who do you think it is? One, two, three or four?

Vote now.

One, two, three or four?

SHOUTING

OK. OK. OK.

Lots of fours, lots of threes.

But what do you guys think?

Let's see who's totally lied and let's see who's about to get pied.

Charlotte, it's time to pie the supply!

Pie The Supply.

There we go, Charlotte.

Your moment in the sun has come.

There you go.

Get that... Get that teacher pied.

Oh...

CHEERING

Good pie-ing.

Right, Harrison. I'm not leaving you out, mate.

It's time for you to pie the supply.

Pie The Supply.

Go on, son. There we go.

-Gently, gently.

-He's ready!

Number one wants the pie.

-Who's getting the pie?

-Will you bend down, please?

LAUGHTER

CHEERING

Right. Number one and four,

I apologise, but let's see if we got the right PE teacher.

Would the real PE teacher please step forward?

CHEERING

We got a teacher!

Which means, at the end of that round,

the gold star goes to Charlotte's team.

CHEERING

Time to find a High School Dropout.

High School Dropout.

In this round, two of our panellists go head-to-head on these.

The Dog Ate My Homework drop zones.

They each stand on top of their school bins

and answer general knowledge questions.

The first to get three wrong is binned.

FLIES BUZZ

It's funny and we don't know why.

Charlotte, who do you want to be your bin monitor?

I'm really sorry, Phil, but I'm going to have to go with Johnny.

Johnny, you're up first.

And Harrison.

Inel or Jess?

Who do you want to see binned?

-I want to go Inel.

-It's Inel versus Johnny.

Please take your positions on the drop zone.

Johnny, we will start with you.

Your first question is this.

What type of breed is Hacker T Dog?

A, a cairn terrier,

or B, a border terrier.

You can confer with your team-mates.

Phil Wang, are you a Hacker T Dog expert?

-Yes.

-Good.

Then you'll know what he is.

He is the first one.

The cairn.

Cairn terrier.

The carey taker.

-The caretaker.

-I'll go with caretaker.

Hacker T Dog is a caretaker.

That's what you're going with.

-Yeah, yeah.

-What do you think, Charlotte?

-Number one.

-Cairn terrier.

You're going to go with A, cairn terrier.

-Cairn terrier.

-I can tell you, the answer is,

B, border terrier.

Ha-ha!

My stomach just felt like I was going over a hill.

Right. Johnny, you've gone to amber.

Inel, here is your first question.

Which of these is a real call sign used by NASA?

A, Kittyhawk,

or B, Tomahawk?

A, Kittyhawk,

or B, Tomahawk?

Any of you experts in space?

Are you?

-No.

-I am. It is actually one of my hobbies.

Oh, nice. Thank you, Jess.

It's OK. I'm lying.

Any ideas? Kittyhawk or Tomahawk?

You can imagine Tom Hanks saying Tomahawk in a movie,

like a space movie.

Or if he mistook himself as a bird of prey.

My team seem to be leaning towards Tomahawk.

I'm leaning towards Tomahawk.

You definitely don't want to go A, Kittyhawk.

-No, I don't.

-100% no.

Forgetting the Kittyhawk, it's done.

-It's all about Tomahawk.

-It's all about Tomahawk.

It's all about Tomahawk.

Funny that, because the answer is A, Kittyhawk.

Inel, you're on Amber.

OK. Johnny Cochrane...

what Pokemon is heavier?

A, Weedle or B, Diglett?

A, Weedle or B, Diglett.

Weedle's like the little caterpillar one.

A little caterpillar with a little Cornetto on his head.

Yep. But I don't know what a Diglett is.

It's a little mole looking...

-Why am I helping?

-Yeah, you're helping them out.

It's a giant mole.

-We're going to go Diglett.

-Is heavier.

-I think Diglett.

-Yeah, sounds heavier.

So, you don't think it's A, Weedle?

LAUGHTER

He enjoys it too much, that's what gets me.

I can tell you... I asked you, what Pokemon is heavier?

A, Weedle or B, Diglett.

I then told you to pick A, Weedle.

You went with B, Diglett.

And the answer is A, Weedle.

After two questions, Johnny Cochrane is already on red.

You're in the red, baby.

I hope you get this wrong.

I really do. I want to see him in the bin.

I've been wanting it for years.

-Inel...

-Yes.

You're currently on amber.

Johnny's on red.

Here is your question.

In the TV series, Scooby-Doo, what colour are Daphne's eyes?

A, dark blue, or B, black?

What colour are Daphne's eyes?

A, dark blue, or B, black.

She's the one with glasses, yeah?

-You're thinking of Velma with the glasses.

-I thought she was the one

-with the long hair.

-That's Velma, yeah. OK, cool.

-Daphne's the ginger one.

-It's dark blue.

-What do you think?

-Harrison's going for dark blue.

OK. I'm going with team captain Harrison's dark blue eyes.

-OK. You're not going to go with B, black?

-Oh!

So, you're going with dark blue.

-Dark blue.

-Not B, black.

Aargh!

OK. In the TV series, Scooby-Doo, what colour is Daphne's eyes?

A, dark blue or B, black?

I told you to pick B, black.

You said dark blue.

The answer was...

B, black.

Yeah!

-Black! I never knew.

-Your legs have gone, haven't they?

I know because mine went a minute ago.

Johnny Cochrane, you have to get this right.

In fact,

not that I'm not confident, but...

LAUGHTER

Come on.

In athletics, which men's world record is faster?

(Pre Rio 2016).

The 4x100 metres relay

or the 400 metres?

Which is faster?

The 4x100 metres...

-I know this.

-How? What is it?

I just know this.

I'm quite clued up on athletics.

-What do you think it is?

-It is the 4x100.

Yeah, I was going to say that.

You liar.

I'm also really into sports, yeah.

So what are you going to go with?

-4x1.

-You are not going to go with...?

You can do it. I'm confident on this.

Gutted.

I can tell you the answer is...

A, the 4x100 metres.

You were correct. CHEERING

It has started to get a little quiet over there.

Don't worry. Nice, easy question for you as well, mate, OK.

-OK, nice one.

-Lovely, easy question for Inel.

Sorry, Iain, can you cover my button up, please, and open Inel's?

Good question.

-What?

-Which country is environmentally greener?

A, Spain or B, Switzerland?

Harrison, what are you thinking?

Are you an environmentally friendly guy?

I think it's Switzerland.

I'm going to go with what you say again this time, Harrison.

OK, Switzerland and you don't want to go with...

A, Spain?

No, Iain, I don't want to go with Spain.

Final chance, A, Spain, you don't want to go with that?

Inel, if this is wrong, you are going to drop.

So bad...

Can you please... Not saying you're wrong, but if you could stand still

on the allotted place you are meant to stand and bend your knees.

Can I change my answer?

No! No, you said Switzerland.

I said to you out loud for the third time,

"Pick A, Spain."

You said, "No, B, Switzerland."

-The answer written down...

-Yeah.

-..on this card...

-Yeah.

..is A, Spain.

Get in the bin!

CHEERING

Get in there!

-Inel, are you OK?

-No!

LAUGHTER

And at the end of that round, still standing is Johnny,

which means the gold star goes to Charlotte's team.

CHEERING

Johnny, we've got a little question for the audience now.

Here we go.

Here we go. How would you like Johnny to get down from the bin?

LAUGHTER

A, via the button, or B, via a ladder?

SHOUTING

Johnny Cochrane, you're getting binned!

Time for The School Run.

The School Run.

You won't believe it, but little Tommy's late for school.

Quickly, Inel, take him.

I don't mean to alarm you, but this ain't my kid, man.

APPLAUSE

This is a relay race.

The team that drops the kid off at school and makes it back first

is the winner. So, teams, let's do this thing.

OK, guys, don't forget it is a relay race.

First team back wins.

Guys, are you good to go?

-Yes.

-Yes.

-OK, three, two, one, let's go!

Go, go, go.

Oh, she's quick!

Go on, Phil.

She's ripping it round.

Go, go, go, go.

Race, race, race.

Come on, Phil.

Stop, stop.

Go, go, go.

She's ripping it.

She is quick.

It's neck and neck! It's neck and neck!

Be careful with Tommy! Be careful with Tommy!

Be careful with Tommy! Go, go, go!

It's Johnny and Inel! It's neck and neck!

It's neck and neck!

Oh, he's gone too far!

Johnny's missed.

Neck and neck! It's neck and neck!

It's neck and neck!

Yeah!

There you go. Inel got over the line first

which means the gold star in that round goes to Harrison's team.

CHEERING

Well, guys, you must be tired

of looking at this old face for so long.

What? You could look at it all day?

Oh, go away with you!

Anyway, it's now time to add up the scores.

-Ooh. AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

And the winner is...

Charlotte's team.

CHEERING

Congratulations, you lot.

You are literally the best people on the planet right now.

As for Harrison's team, not only does the dog eat your homework,

but you have got detention with Mr Smash.

It is time to take the walk of shame.

-# La, la, la, la-la-la-la

-Losers!

-# La, la, la, la-la-la-la

-Losers!

-# La, la, la, la-la-la-la

-Losers!

-# La, la, la, la-la-la-la

-Losers!

-# La, la, la, la-la-la-la

-Losers!

# Losers. #

There you go, everyone. As ever, we didn't learn much,

but do you know what? It was fun trying.

-See you all next time on... AUDIENCE:

-The Dog Ate My Homework!

Sees ya!

We won.

Well done, young lady.