Episode 4 The Dog Ate My Homework


Episode 4

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Transcript


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HE SHOUTS, CROWD BOO

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Ohh!

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CHEERING

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Hello, everyone. I'm Iain Stirling,

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and welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework,

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the show that's a bit like a sandwich.

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Our two teams are the bread,

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and I'm the cheesy filling.

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Savoury, mature,

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and a little bit tangy.

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So, let's take the register!

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On my right, a boy who on his Bring A Pet To School Day

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took five snakes, three crocodiles and a man-eating tiger.

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There were droppings everywhere, and that was just his teacher.

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-It's Toby, everyone!

-Here, sir!

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And on Toby's team, a comedian who once had a stand-up gig in a lift.

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It was wrong on so many levels.

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-It's Suzi Ruffell.

-Here, sir!

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And also on Toby's team,

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a presenter who hold the record for the world's longest smile.

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Seriously. He hasn't stopped smiling since 1985.

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-It's Officially Amazing's Ben Shires!

-Here, Sir!

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And on my left, a girl who wants to be the smartest person in Britain.

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Well, talk to me later and I'll tell you what that's like.

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-It's Daisy, everyone!

-Here, sir!

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And on Daisy's team, a comedian who says when she grows up,

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she wants to be the Prime Minister or a unicorn. It's either-or.

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-It's Bec Hill!

-Present!

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And finally, on Daisy's team,

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a comedian who's name suggests he works with gold.

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Well, today, mate, you're working with dynamite.

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-It's Stu Goldsmith!

-Yes, please!

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Can we please have a round of applause for both of today's teams?!

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CHEERING

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Here's how the thing works.

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In a moment, I'll think of some questions to ask.

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Maybe I should have thought of some earlier, but, hey,

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I'm the one that brought the snacks.

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Iain, can I have one?

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-Ohh!

-One more, one more, one more.

-One more.

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That was to...

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-Yeah!

-Oh, my days! Oh, my days!

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Well, who thought that would have ended up

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-on the television programme? OK.

-Was that an official round?

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Feel like we were overlooked for that.

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No, that was just a little bit of bonus gold for the people at home.

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OK!

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And what are the teams playing for?

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They're playing for my special golden stars.

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

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I'll award bonus stars if you bowl me over with your brains,

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but stump me with your stupidity,

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and I can take those stars right back.

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-AUDIENCE:

-Aww!

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Hey, you can hiss, you can boo for all the good it'll do.

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Cos it's Iain's school, so it's...

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-ALL:

-Iain's rules!

-Yes, please.

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The team with the most stars at the end of the show are the winners,

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while the losers face detention with a man who recently won

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the award for the angriest man on television.

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I just hope the award hasn't gone to his head.

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It's Mr Smash.

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FANFARE PLAYS

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Boo! Boo!

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Oh, I see the award has gone to your head. So, eh...

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Smashy, what's it feel like to be crowned the angriest man...?

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What? So, I'm not allowed to speak to you any more just cos...

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Fine, we'll I've got a memo here, mate, actually,

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that tells me that the guy who came second

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in the angriest man competition was so angry that he's now the winner,

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so you've got to give your award back.

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HE SHOUTS AND BARKS

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HE SHOUTS INCOHERENTLY

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-Boo!

-Boo!

-Boo!

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Guys, let's get on with the show!

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-Yes, it's time for Watch Your Mouth...

-'Watch Your Mouth!'

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..where our panel are going to try and talk properly whilst

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wearing a constant growl like Mr Smash.

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Using one of these.

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It is a Mr Smash growl maker. Lovely stuff.

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So, teams, please insert your growl makers into your faces,

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thank you very much.

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-Get them right in. Lovely.

-Ohh.

-Ah-ah-ah.

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Oh, it's very, very attractive.

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Toby's gone upside down with his.

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THEY LAUGH

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-I like it.

-His nose is squished against his face.

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Don't do it the wrong way, mate, or you'll look silly. OK!

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It's general knowledge, the whole team can answer.

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And remember, pronounce your Ps. Can I hear your Ps, please? Ps?

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-ALL:

-Eeee!

-Lovely!

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So, fingers on buzzers, this is your first question. Here we go.

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What traditional Italian food usually consists of a flatbread

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-covered with Tomato sauce, cheese and...? BUZZER:

-'Daisy.'

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-Yes, Daisy's team?

-Eezza.

-Eezza.

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-What?

-Pizza.

-Pizza is correct.

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And then for a bonus point,

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name three pizza toppings beginning with P.

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-Epperoni!

-Epperoni.

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-Ushrooms.

-What?

-Ushrooms.

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-Mushrooms?

-Yes.

-Beginning with P.

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Ah.

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Rrred pepper and Grrreen pepper.

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IAIN LAUGHS

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Well done, I'll give you that. Fingers on buzzers.

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OK. What spiced baked good often takes the shape of men or houses?

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-BUZZER:

-'Toby.'

-Yes.

-Ingerebed!

-Yeah, gingerbread men.

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

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Congrats. And, for a bonus gold star.

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Suzi, Ben and Toby, all you have to do

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is eat these gingerbread men!

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Ahhh...

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There we go. I'll let you...

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On the count of three, heads off.

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Ready? One, two, three, go.

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You have to eat the whole thing.

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I... I...

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I think I can see... Ah!

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Are you all right? Wash it down with a glass of water.

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-Ha-ha! No, no! No, you don't.

-IAIN LAUGHS

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-Right, OK. Next... I'll give you...

-Oh!

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THEY LAUGH

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-Oh, no!

-Don't look at me!

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Don't look at me!

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OK. I'm going to give you a bonus gold star for doing that. Well done.

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OK.

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Next question. Fingers on buzzers.

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Which 2015 film featured actor Chris Pratt in the lead role...?

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-BUZZER:

-'Toby.'

-Yes?

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-Jurassic A-owwrm!

-IAIN LAUGHS

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-Jurassic Arrgh! Dinosaurs!

-Yes!

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Well, for a bonus gold star, all your team have to do is your best

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dinosaur impression.

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-Rrrawrr!

-Rrraw!

-Rrawwr! Arrlll!

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-Oh! Get a close-up on Ben's tongue when he does that!

-Arrrwwwl!

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Do it, Ben.

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Arrrlllll!

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-Oh!

-I've still got ingerbred in there! I can taste that a lot.

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I can... It's nice. You can save that for your tea.

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I'll give that... Final question.

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Which '90s girl group had hit singles with Say You'll Be There...

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-BUZZER:

-'Toby.'

-Yes, Suzi?

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-Spice Grrl!

-Sice Girls!

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Say it in unison like a girl band.

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-One, two, three...

-ALL:

-Sice Grrrls!

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Correct!

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And for a bonus gold star, give us your best rendition of Wannabe.

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-# ALL:

-If you want to be my lovrrr You got to get with my friends

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# Make it last frrrver Frrrndship never ends

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# If you want to be my lovvvr You have got to give

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# Taking is too easy But that's the way it is. #

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-Bonus gold star for Toby's team!

-Yay!

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BELL RINGS Ohh!

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That is the bell, and at the end of that round, the gold star goes to...

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-Toby's team! ALL:

-YEAH!

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It's time for everyone's favourite part of the show,

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it's time for Pie The Supply.

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'Pie The Supply!'

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In a moment, we'll meet four people all claiming to be English teachers,

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but only one is telling the truth.

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So, all our teams have to do is identify and then Pie The Supply.

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So, let's say hello to our lovely English teachers.

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Teacher one, Ms Wiseman.

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Teacher two, Mr Divers.

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Teacher three, Ms Ursia.

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Or teacher four, Ms Cull.

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So, one of these, our English teacher,

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three of them of them are FILTHY LIARS!

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Who do you think it is?

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So, Toby's team, purely first impressions,

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you're looking at them...

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Well, they've all got friendly eyes.

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But who is the real teacher?

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Toby, who are you thinking?

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-Number one.

-Why's that? Why's that?

-I don't know.

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-He's got the vibes.

-Yeah.

-You've got the teacher vibes?

-Yeah.

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OK. And Daisy's team. Just first impressions. Who are you thinking?

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One, two, three or four?

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Two looks like he could run the entire school on his own.

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Like, he'd be the only teacher in the school.

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Number two looks like he could carry the school on his wide shoulders.

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OK, Toby's team, let's delve deeper.

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Have you got any questions for our English teachers?

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You can ask them all, you can ask individual questions.

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What do you want to ask?

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-OK. Teacher number four...

-Here we go.

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..what is your favourite Shakespeare play?

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-Hamlet.

-Hamlet?

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-What about number three?

-Macbeth.

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And number two?

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Macbeth, as well.

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-Ohhh!

-Number two just went. Erm...

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whatever she just said.

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-And teacher number one?

-Midsummer's Night's Dream.

-Lovely stuff.

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Any more questions? Toby. Got any questions, mate?

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If you had to choose a book to read to the class,

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what book would you choose?

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OK. We'll go in random order. Let's go...

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We'll start with number two, and you can't say The Hungry Caterpillar.

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Eh... MacBeth?

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-STU:

-He's too funny to be a teacher!

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Er, number four, favourite book.

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-Hamlet.

-Ohhh!

-IAIN LAUGHS

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Oh, you can't rip off other people's material, come on. Eh, number one?

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-Big Friendly Giant.

-Big Friendly Giant. STU:

-BFG.

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-That's BFG to you and me.

-Yeah, who calls it by the full name?

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-That's weird.

-BEC:

-An English teacher.

-Yeah!

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Finally, number three, favourite book?

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-Um, I always enjoy Of Mice And Men.

-Of Mice And Men.

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-STU:

-Very convincing. Yes.

-That's a very English-teacher book. OK.

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Daisy's team, have you got any questions for our teachers?

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What does a dab look like?

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What does a dab look like?!

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A teacher would know this! I want to see your...

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-And can we ask the others to close their eyes...

-Yes.

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..so that they can't copy each others' dab.

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Everyone, the one, two, three and four, all close your eyes.

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Everyone close their eyes. And then, Stu, you can pick numbers at random.

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OK, so, number three. Can we see a dab, please?

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-What do you think a dab is?

-Just go for one.

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ALL: Yeah!

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-OK.

-No, stop. Keep your eyes shut! Keep your eyes shut.

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With your eyes still closed. Number two, let's see a dab.

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A very interesting attempt. And quite a game attempt on his part.

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-Like, very interesting...

-Eyes closed, still, everyone, please.

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Number one!

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LAUGHTER

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Fascinating. And number four.

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What do you think a dab looks like?

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Classic teacher evasion.

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-That's a good question.

-That was a great... All Daisy's own work.

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You're getting a bonus gold star for a good question. That was good.

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Good question.

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Right. OK. Audience...

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You've had some questions, you've had a look at them.

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Who do you think is the real English teacher?

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On the count of three, vote. One, two, three, VOTE!

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THEY SHOUT OUT NUMBERS

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OK. OK, OK, OK. Quiet.

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Quiet, please, it's your own time you're wasting.

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Right, decision time. There's a lot of...

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There was actually very varied, so no-one's...

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The audience don't really know, either. But, Toby...

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it is time to Pie The Supply!

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Pie The Supply!

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On you go, big man. Nice and gentle, let's do this, mate. Go on, Tobes.

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Go on, Tobes.

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Oh, yeah.

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooooooh...

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Yeah! It's a big one!

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Put it down, number three! Put it down!

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Put it down!

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-Good one, Toby. That was a fun pieing.

-Very good. Very good.

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Daisy, you're up next. It's time to Pie The Supply!

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'Pie The Supply!'

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Go, Daisy. There we go.

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-Good luck, Daisy.

-OK, Daisy. Nice and gentle, Dais.

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-Get it in the mush.

-Really go for it, in a gentle way.

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THEY LAUGH

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-Oh, is it going to be...? AUDIENCE:

-Ooooh...

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Look at them...

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The big man's down!

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The big man's down!

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I tell you what, Daisy, you're a lot braver than me. OK.

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She didn't even pie him. He just slowly lowered his face...

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That's actually how he reacts every time he's in a restaurant.

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"Here's your spaghetti, sir."

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Right. If it's not number two, Daisy, hide behind Stu. OK!

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Would the real English teacher please step forward?

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We got him! WE GOT HIM!

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-We got him!

-Yes!

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At the end of that round, the gold star goes to...Daisy's team!

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ALL: Yay!

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Time to find a High School Dropout?

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'High School Dropout!'

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In this round, two celebrities go head-to-head on this...

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The Dog Ate My Homework Drop Zone!

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The chosen celebs each stand on their drop zone

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and answer general knowledge questions.

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First to get three wrong is binned.

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Toby, who do you think would be the best bin monitor?

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-Ben.

-Ben? Cool.

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And Daisy, Stu or Bec? Who do you want to take on the drop?

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-Bec.

-Ben and Bec, please make your way to your drop zone.

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OK, our contestants are in position.

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Ben and Bec, how are you guys feeling?

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-You guys all right?

-Terrified!

-Ben?

-More terrified.

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Oh, yes, I like you being up that high. Like a...

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'School disco!'

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Let's go!

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MUSIC: Salute by Little Mix

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NEEDLE SCRATCHES

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Right, remember, if you get three questions wrong, you are dropped.

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Toby's team, you're up first.

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Ben... You're up high.

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You're feeling good.

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-No.

-Good.

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Here's your first question.

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In 2016, what sporting event had more viewers on UK television?

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A, Andy Murray's Wimbledon final,

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or, B, Euro 2016 final which saw Portugal beat France?

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I'm quite...going with Andy Murray.

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You think Andy Murray.

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So, you're saying Andy Murray, Toby.

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I think it's Andy Murray.

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OK, so, Andy Murray.

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I can tell you, the most-watched sporting event of 2016 in the UK

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was B, Euro 2016 final.

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You're wrong. Don't trust Toby!

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You go to amber. And now we go over to Bec.

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Bec, you're up next. Here we go. First question.

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You feeling pumped? SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

0:16:140:16:17

Good. Please don't cry during the recording.

0:16:170:16:19

OK, what happened first?

0:16:190:16:21

A, Apollo XI blasted off, or B, Concorde's first flight?

0:16:210:16:26

I think...

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What came first? I think Apollo.

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Apollo 11 was 1969.

0:16:320:16:35

That is correct.

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I'll give you a bonus gold star knowing that.

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Well done.

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Apollo 11 or Concorde?

0:16:410:16:43

You don't know what either of these things are?

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The P1 Apollo, so...

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The P1 A-pollo.

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A pollo.

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A single pollo!

0:16:500:16:53

Going to go up the moon on ma pollo!

0:16:530:16:56

"Yo, bruv, that's a sweet pollo you got there, yeah?"

0:16:560:16:59

"Yeah, it's my mum's, but I ride it on the weekend!"

0:16:590:17:02

Thank you, bonus gold star to me.

0:17:050:17:07

I'm really enjoying how long we're taking to do this.

0:17:070:17:10

-Seeing as I'm afraid of heights.

-Apollo or Concorde, now.

0:17:100:17:14

Apollo. I can tell you, the answer is...

0:17:140:17:16

..Concorde's first flight!

0:17:180:17:20

I knew it! Trick question.

0:17:200:17:22

Apollo 11 blasted off on 6th July 1969.

0:17:220:17:25

-Concorde took its first flight 2nd March 1969.

-Oh!

0:17:250:17:31

OK, you're both on amber.

0:17:310:17:33

You're up next, Ben. This is to keep you from the red.

0:17:330:17:36

What animal is heavier?

0:17:360:17:38

A hippopotamus or a black rhinoceros?

0:17:380:17:41

A hippopotamus or a black rhinoceros.

0:17:410:17:46

-I reckon a rhino.

-Oh, do you?

0:17:460:17:48

They do have the big horns, don't they? So that's...

0:17:480:17:51

SHE TOOTS

0:17:510:17:52

-The musical ones do, yeah.

-Rhinos, assemble!

0:17:520:17:55

-Ha-ha! I like that.

-I don't know.

-What do you think, Toby?

0:17:550:18:00

I'm stepping back for this one.

0:18:000:18:03

LAUGHTER

0:18:030:18:05

Now, THAT's how you captain a team!

0:18:050:18:08

I thought Toby was going to leave.

0:18:080:18:10

"No, these are stupid, actually..."

0:18:100:18:12

Right, so Toby's refusing to comment.

0:18:140:18:16

Which is great, on this television programme.

0:18:160:18:18

-It'll be wrong.

-What do you think? Just go with your instinct.

0:18:180:18:20

And then you'll be wrong. Hippo or rhino?

0:18:200:18:23

-Hippo.

-It must be a rhino - you know, Toby's always wrong.

0:18:230:18:27

-OK.

-You better be wrong! Absolutely wrong.

0:18:270:18:30

OK, so you're going with rhino.

0:18:300:18:33

-Yes.

-Because Toby said hippo.

0:18:330:18:34

-Yes.

-OK.

0:18:340:18:36

Well, I can tell you that the heaviest animal,

0:18:360:18:40

by nearly double, is...

0:18:400:18:41

-A, hippopotamus.

-Argh!

0:18:410:18:44

How dare you be right?!

0:18:450:18:47

-Oh...

-Toby!

0:18:470:18:49

I've not just let myself down, I've let my team-mates down.

0:18:490:18:54

You could never let us down, Toby.

0:18:540:18:57

Bec, you're on amber, Ben is one question away from the drop.

0:18:570:19:01

Here's your question.

0:19:010:19:02

Which of these words defines a building

0:19:020:19:05

between 300-600 metres in height?

0:19:050:19:08

A mega tall or a super tall?

0:19:080:19:12

A mega tall or a super tall?

0:19:120:19:15

They are both nonsense.

0:19:150:19:16

No-one says that about buildings.

0:19:160:19:17

They're both coffee sizes as well, aren't they?

0:19:170:19:20

"Oh, a mega tall with whipped cream. And hazelnut stuff."

0:19:200:19:24

And I pick it up in me pollo!

0:19:240:19:26

Do a drive-thru, order me mega tall, sip it down,

0:19:280:19:31

I'm off to the moon because Concorde's not been invented yet!

0:19:310:19:34

-Iain, where are you from?

-I'm from many places, Stu.

0:19:360:19:40

I grew up on the mean streets of America,

0:19:400:19:43

but sometimes I sound a bit French!

0:19:430:19:47

I'm going to push you for an answer.

0:19:470:19:48

-Mega tall...

-600 metres is over half a kilometre.

0:19:480:19:52

That's a tall building.

0:19:520:19:54

Yeah. I think mega's better than super.

0:19:540:19:57

Where I'm from, we'd just say "heaps". Oh, that's heaps tall!

0:19:570:20:00

So, between 300 metres and 600 metres -

0:20:000:20:03

A, mega tall, or B, super tall?

0:20:030:20:05

What do you want to go with, Bec Hill?

0:20:050:20:07

I like comic books, so I'm going to say super.

0:20:070:20:10

Super tall. OK.

0:20:100:20:12

I can tell you that a building

0:20:120:20:14

between 300 and 600 metres in height is...

0:20:140:20:18

-B, super tall.

-Yeah!

0:20:180:20:19

I can tell you that over 600 metres is mega tall.

0:20:220:20:27

-And is there another one up from that?

-Yes.

0:20:270:20:30

Heaps tall!

0:20:300:20:31

OK, Ben, if you get this question wrong,

0:20:330:20:36

you are getting dropped.

0:20:360:20:38

-I'm keenly aware of that, Iain.

-I press this little button here.

0:20:380:20:42

In fact, do you know what? I'll just...

0:20:420:20:45

-Don't!

-OK, here we go. This is to stay up.

0:20:450:20:49

The dot above a lower case letter i is known as a jot or tittle?

0:20:490:20:57

-A tittle...

-Or a jot.

-Or a jot?

0:20:580:21:01

-I think it's a jot.

-Suzi thinks it's a jot.

0:21:010:21:03

How sure are you, Suzi? Are you sure...?

0:21:030:21:06

-I'm guessing.

-What do you think it is, Tobes?

0:21:060:21:08

He's not getting involved.

0:21:100:21:12

All right, I'm going a bit loopy up here, I have to say.

0:21:120:21:15

It's getting to me, Iain. What are we going for, guys?

0:21:150:21:18

A tittle or a jot?

0:21:180:21:20

-Jot.

-Jot?

-Jot.

0:21:200:21:22

Toby, say one of them. Tell me.

0:21:220:21:25

-Tittle.

-Tittle!

0:21:250:21:26

-Oh...!

-Oh, no, the oracle has spoken!

0:21:260:21:30

-What are you going with?

-Ben, it's up to you.

0:21:300:21:32

Ben, going to have to push you. A jot or a tittle?

0:21:320:21:35

I will not be pushed. I will fall my own accord!

0:21:350:21:38

All right...I think jot.

0:21:380:21:41

OK, I can tell you that Toby told you to say tittle.

0:21:410:21:47

-Yes.

-You went with jot.

0:21:470:21:49

-Yeah.

-And I can tell you the dot above a lower case letter i

0:21:490:21:53

is known as a...

0:21:530:21:56

..tittle!

0:21:590:22:00

SCREAMING AND LAUGHTER

0:22:000:22:02

OK, Bec, you have to get two wrong, which means you cannot be dropped,

0:22:150:22:19

which means that the gold star goes to Daisy's team.

0:22:190:22:25

# Drop her anyway Drop her anyway... #

0:22:290:22:31

What?

0:22:310:22:32

I think... I think her hair is a funny...

0:22:320:22:36

AUDIENCE: Drop her! Drop her! Drop her!

0:22:360:22:40

Get dropped!

0:22:400:22:41

All aboard the school run.

0:22:470:22:49

-ANNOUNCER:

-'The school run!'

0:22:490:22:52

This is a relay race with each team having to drop

0:22:520:22:55

as many of these adorable schoolkids off at school as possible.

0:22:550:23:00

CRASH!

0:23:000:23:02

The team who all make it to the finish line first wins.

0:23:020:23:06

Simple as that. So, teams, if you'd like to join me at the start line,

0:23:060:23:09

let's do this!

0:23:090:23:11

OK, guys, everyone's in position,

0:23:160:23:18

remember, the first team to drop everyone off at school

0:23:180:23:20

and get back to the finish line is the winner.

0:23:200:23:23

-So, Stu, are you ready?

-I've never been more ready.

0:23:230:23:25

-Yeah, Suzi, are you ready?

-I'm ready.

0:23:250:23:27

In that case, three, two, one, get those kids to school!

0:23:270:23:31

KLAXON AND CHEERING

0:23:310:23:33

Stu's flicking it round.

0:23:390:23:42

Whoo!

0:23:420:23:43

It's neck and neck.

0:23:450:23:46

Does she drop the kids off?

0:23:490:23:53

Stu, good throw. Stu's back in the race!

0:23:550:23:59

Right, big crossover, big crossover, a big crossover.

0:24:010:24:03

Suzi's spun it! Suzi's spun it! Oh, Stu's back in the race.

0:24:050:24:10

Change, change, change!

0:24:100:24:13

SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

0:24:130:24:15

Here we go, here we go, here we go.

0:24:450:24:48

It's neck and neck, it's neck and neck!

0:24:480:24:51

It's so close!

0:24:530:24:55

Oh, this is so close.

0:25:080:25:10

SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

0:25:100:25:12

Right on the line! He's done it! He's done it!

0:25:370:25:39

That's expensive! That is expensive!

0:25:440:25:46

KLAXON AND CHEERING

0:25:510:25:53

And that the end of that round, the gold star goes to Toby's team!

0:25:530:25:59

Guys, doesn't time fly when I'm being hilarious?

0:26:040:26:07

But before we go, I need to add up the stars.

0:26:070:26:10

And the winners are...

0:26:210:26:22

..Daisy's team!

0:26:240:26:26

-CHEERING

-Yay!

0:26:260:26:30

Congratulations, you lot.

0:26:300:26:32

You get to cheer constantly for the next ten years.

0:26:320:26:35

As for Toby's team, not only does the dog eat your homework,

0:26:350:26:38

but you've got detention with Mr Smash.

0:26:380:26:41

It's time to take the walk of shame.

0:26:410:26:43

-# La-la-la-la-la... #

-AUDIENCE: Losers!

0:26:450:26:47

-# La-la-la-la-la... #

-Losers!

0:26:470:26:49

-# La-la-la-la-la... #

-Losers!

0:26:490:26:51

-# La-la-la-la-la... #

-Losers!

0:26:510:26:53

# Losers...lose. #

0:26:530:26:56

So, there you go. As ever, we didn't learn much, but do you know what?

0:26:560:26:59

It was fun trying. See you next time on...

0:26:590:27:02

AUDIENCE: The Dog Ate My Homework!

0:27:020:27:05

Sees ya!

0:27:050:27:07

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:100:27:13

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