Episode 4 The Dog Ate My Homework

HE SHOUTS, CROWD BOO

Ohh!

CHEERING

Hello, everyone. I'm Iain Stirling,

and welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework,

the show that's a bit like a sandwich.

Our two teams are the bread,

and I'm the cheesy filling.

Savoury, mature,

and a little bit tangy.

So, let's take the register!

On my right, a boy who on his Bring A Pet To School Day

took five snakes, three crocodiles and a man-eating tiger.

There were droppings everywhere, and that was just his teacher.

-It's Toby, everyone!

-Here, sir!

And on Toby's team, a comedian who once had a stand-up gig in a lift.

It was wrong on so many levels.

-It's Suzi Ruffell.

-Here, sir!

And also on Toby's team,

a presenter who hold the record for the world's longest smile.

Seriously. He hasn't stopped smiling since 1985.

-It's Officially Amazing's Ben Shires!

-Here, Sir!

And on my left, a girl who wants to be the smartest person in Britain.

Well, talk to me later and I'll tell you what that's like.

-It's Daisy, everyone!

-Here, sir!

And on Daisy's team, a comedian who says when she grows up,

she wants to be the Prime Minister or a unicorn. It's either-or.

-It's Bec Hill!

-Present!

And finally, on Daisy's team,

a comedian who's name suggests he works with gold.

Well, today, mate, you're working with dynamite.

-It's Stu Goldsmith!

-Yes, please!

Can we please have a round of applause for both of today's teams?!

CHEERING

Here's how the thing works.

In a moment, I'll think of some questions to ask.

Maybe I should have thought of some earlier, but, hey,

I'm the one that brought the snacks.

Iain, can I have one?

-Ohh!

-One more, one more, one more.

-One more.

That was to...

-Yeah!

-Oh, my days! Oh, my days!

Well, who thought that would have ended up

-on the television programme? OK.

-Was that an official round?

Feel like we were overlooked for that.

No, that was just a little bit of bonus gold for the people at home.

OK!

And what are the teams playing for?

They're playing for my special golden stars.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

I'll award bonus stars if you bowl me over with your brains,

but stump me with your stupidity,

and I can take those stars right back.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aww!

Hey, you can hiss, you can boo for all the good it'll do.

Cos it's Iain's school, so it's...

-ALL:

-Iain's rules!

-Yes, please.

The team with the most stars at the end of the show are the winners,

while the losers face detention with a man who recently won

the award for the angriest man on television.

I just hope the award hasn't gone to his head.

It's Mr Smash.

FANFARE PLAYS

Boo! Boo!

Oh, I see the award has gone to your head. So, eh...

Smashy, what's it feel like to be crowned the angriest man...?

What? So, I'm not allowed to speak to you any more just cos...

Fine, we'll I've got a memo here, mate, actually,

that tells me that the guy who came second

in the angriest man competition was so angry that he's now the winner,

so you've got to give your award back.

HE SHOUTS AND BARKS

HE SHOUTS INCOHERENTLY

-Boo!

-Boo!

-Boo!

Guys, let's get on with the show!

-Yes, it's time for Watch Your Mouth...

-'Watch Your Mouth!'

..where our panel are going to try and talk properly whilst

wearing a constant growl like Mr Smash.

Using one of these.

It is a Mr Smash growl maker. Lovely stuff.

So, teams, please insert your growl makers into your faces,

thank you very much.

-Get them right in. Lovely.

-Ohh.

-Ah-ah-ah.

Oh, it's very, very attractive.

Toby's gone upside down with his.

THEY LAUGH

-I like it.

-His nose is squished against his face.

Don't do it the wrong way, mate, or you'll look silly. OK!

It's general knowledge, the whole team can answer.

And remember, pronounce your Ps. Can I hear your Ps, please? Ps?

-ALL:

-Eeee!

-Lovely!

So, fingers on buzzers, this is your first question. Here we go.

What traditional Italian food usually consists of a flatbread

-covered with Tomato sauce, cheese and...? BUZZER:

-'Daisy.'

-Yes, Daisy's team?

-Eezza.

-Eezza.

-What?

-Pizza.

-Pizza is correct.

And then for a bonus point,

name three pizza toppings beginning with P.

-Epperoni!

-Epperoni.

-Ushrooms.

-What?

-Ushrooms.

-Mushrooms?

-Yes.

-Beginning with P.

Ah.

Rrred pepper and Grrreen pepper.

IAIN LAUGHS

Well done, I'll give you that. Fingers on buzzers.

OK. What spiced baked good often takes the shape of men or houses?

-BUZZER:

-'Toby.'

-Yes.

-Ingerebed!

-Yeah, gingerbread men.

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

Congrats. And, for a bonus gold star.

Suzi, Ben and Toby, all you have to do

is eat these gingerbread men!

Ahhh...

There we go. I'll let you...

On the count of three, heads off.

Ready? One, two, three, go.

You have to eat the whole thing.

I... I...

I think I can see... Ah!

Are you all right? Wash it down with a glass of water.

-Ha-ha! No, no! No, you don't.

-IAIN LAUGHS

-Right, OK. Next... I'll give you...

-Oh!

THEY LAUGH

-Oh, no!

-Don't look at me!

Don't look at me!

OK. I'm going to give you a bonus gold star for doing that. Well done.

OK.

Next question. Fingers on buzzers.

Which 2015 film featured actor Chris Pratt in the lead role...?

-BUZZER:

-'Toby.'

-Yes?

-Jurassic A-owwrm!

-IAIN LAUGHS

-Jurassic Arrgh! Dinosaurs!

-Yes!

Well, for a bonus gold star, all your team have to do is your best

dinosaur impression.

-Rrrawrr!

-Rrraw!

-Rrawwr! Arrlll!

-Oh! Get a close-up on Ben's tongue when he does that!

-Arrrwwwl!

Do it, Ben.

Arrrlllll!

-Oh!

-I've still got ingerbred in there! I can taste that a lot.

I can... It's nice. You can save that for your tea.

I'll give that... Final question.

Which '90s girl group had hit singles with Say You'll Be There...

-BUZZER:

-'Toby.'

-Yes, Suzi?

-Spice Grrl!

-Sice Girls!

Say it in unison like a girl band.

-One, two, three...

-ALL:

-Sice Grrrls!

Correct!

And for a bonus gold star, give us your best rendition of Wannabe.

-# ALL:

-If you want to be my lovrrr You got to get with my friends

# Make it last frrrver Frrrndship never ends

# If you want to be my lovvvr You have got to give

# Taking is too easy But that's the way it is. #

-Bonus gold star for Toby's team!

-Yay!

BELL RINGS Ohh!

That is the bell, and at the end of that round, the gold star goes to...

-Toby's team! ALL:

-YEAH!

It's time for everyone's favourite part of the show,

it's time for Pie The Supply.

'Pie The Supply!'

In a moment, we'll meet four people all claiming to be English teachers,

but only one is telling the truth.

So, all our teams have to do is identify and then Pie The Supply.

So, let's say hello to our lovely English teachers.

Teacher one, Ms Wiseman.

Teacher two, Mr Divers.

Teacher three, Ms Ursia.

Or teacher four, Ms Cull.

So, one of these, our English teacher,

three of them of them are FILTHY LIARS!

Who do you think it is?

So, Toby's team, purely first impressions,

you're looking at them...

Well, they've all got friendly eyes.

But who is the real teacher?

Toby, who are you thinking?

-Number one.

-Why's that? Why's that?

-I don't know.

-He's got the vibes.

-Yeah.

-You've got the teacher vibes?

-Yeah.

OK. And Daisy's team. Just first impressions. Who are you thinking?

One, two, three or four?

Two looks like he could run the entire school on his own.

Like, he'd be the only teacher in the school.

Number two looks like he could carry the school on his wide shoulders.

OK, Toby's team, let's delve deeper.

Have you got any questions for our English teachers?

You can ask them all, you can ask individual questions.

What do you want to ask?

-OK. Teacher number four...

-Here we go.

..what is your favourite Shakespeare play?

-Hamlet.

-Hamlet?

-What about number three?

-Macbeth.

And number two?

Macbeth, as well.

-Ohhh!

-Number two just went. Erm...

whatever she just said.

-And teacher number one?

-Midsummer's Night's Dream.

-Lovely stuff.

Any more questions? Toby. Got any questions, mate?

If you had to choose a book to read to the class,

what book would you choose?

OK. We'll go in random order. Let's go...

We'll start with number two, and you can't say The Hungry Caterpillar.

Eh... MacBeth?

-STU:

-He's too funny to be a teacher!

Er, number four, favourite book.

-Hamlet.

-Ohhh!

-IAIN LAUGHS

Oh, you can't rip off other people's material, come on. Eh, number one?

-Big Friendly Giant.

-Big Friendly Giant. STU:

-BFG.

-That's BFG to you and me.

-Yeah, who calls it by the full name?

-That's weird.

-BEC:

-An English teacher.

-Yeah!

Finally, number three, favourite book?

-Um, I always enjoy Of Mice And Men.

-Of Mice And Men.

-STU:

-Very convincing. Yes.

-That's a very English-teacher book. OK.

Daisy's team, have you got any questions for our teachers?

What does a dab look like?

What does a dab look like?!

A teacher would know this! I want to see your...

-And can we ask the others to close their eyes...

-Yes.

..so that they can't copy each others' dab.

Everyone, the one, two, three and four, all close your eyes.

Everyone close their eyes. And then, Stu, you can pick numbers at random.

OK, so, number three. Can we see a dab, please?

-What do you think a dab is?

-Just go for one.

ALL: Yeah!

-OK.

-No, stop. Keep your eyes shut! Keep your eyes shut.

With your eyes still closed. Number two, let's see a dab.

A very interesting attempt. And quite a game attempt on his part.

-Like, very interesting...

-Eyes closed, still, everyone, please.

Number one!

LAUGHTER

Fascinating. And number four.

What do you think a dab looks like?

Classic teacher evasion.

-That's a good question.

-That was a great... All Daisy's own work.

You're getting a bonus gold star for a good question. That was good.

Good question.

Right. OK. Audience...

You've had some questions, you've had a look at them.

Who do you think is the real English teacher?

On the count of three, vote. One, two, three, VOTE!

THEY SHOUT OUT NUMBERS

OK. OK, OK, OK. Quiet.

Quiet, please, it's your own time you're wasting.

Right, decision time. There's a lot of...

There was actually very varied, so no-one's...

The audience don't really know, either. But, Toby...

it is time to Pie The Supply!

Pie The Supply!

On you go, big man. Nice and gentle, let's do this, mate. Go on, Tobes.

Go on, Tobes.

Oh, yeah.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooooooh...

Yeah! It's a big one!

Put it down, number three! Put it down!

Put it down!

-Good one, Toby. That was a fun pieing.

-Very good. Very good.

Daisy, you're up next. It's time to Pie The Supply!

'Pie The Supply!'

Go, Daisy. There we go.

-Good luck, Daisy.

-OK, Daisy. Nice and gentle, Dais.

-Get it in the mush.

-Really go for it, in a gentle way.

THEY LAUGH

-Oh, is it going to be...? AUDIENCE:

-Ooooh...

Look at them...

The big man's down!

The big man's down!

I tell you what, Daisy, you're a lot braver than me. OK.

She didn't even pie him. He just slowly lowered his face...

That's actually how he reacts every time he's in a restaurant.

"Here's your spaghetti, sir."

Right. If it's not number two, Daisy, hide behind Stu. OK!

Would the real English teacher please step forward?

We got him! WE GOT HIM!

-We got him!

-Yes!

At the end of that round, the gold star goes to...Daisy's team!

ALL: Yay!

Time to find a High School Dropout?

'High School Dropout!'

In this round, two celebrities go head-to-head on this...

The Dog Ate My Homework Drop Zone!

The chosen celebs each stand on their drop zone

and answer general knowledge questions.

First to get three wrong is binned.

Toby, who do you think would be the best bin monitor?

-Ben.

-Ben? Cool.

And Daisy, Stu or Bec? Who do you want to take on the drop?

-Bec.

-Ben and Bec, please make your way to your drop zone.

OK, our contestants are in position.

Ben and Bec, how are you guys feeling?

-You guys all right?

-Terrified!

-Ben?

-More terrified.

Oh, yes, I like you being up that high. Like a...

'School disco!'

Let's go!

MUSIC: Salute by Little Mix

NEEDLE SCRATCHES

Right, remember, if you get three questions wrong, you are dropped.

Toby's team, you're up first.

Ben... You're up high.

You're feeling good.

-No.

-Good.

Here's your first question.

In 2016, what sporting event had more viewers on UK television?

A, Andy Murray's Wimbledon final,

or, B, Euro 2016 final which saw Portugal beat France?

I'm quite...going with Andy Murray.

You think Andy Murray.

So, you're saying Andy Murray, Toby.

I think it's Andy Murray.

OK, so, Andy Murray.

I can tell you, the most-watched sporting event of 2016 in the UK

was B, Euro 2016 final.

You're wrong. Don't trust Toby!

You go to amber. And now we go over to Bec.

Bec, you're up next. Here we go. First question.

You feeling pumped? SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Good. Please don't cry during the recording.

OK, what happened first?

A, Apollo XI blasted off, or B, Concorde's first flight?

I think...

What came first? I think Apollo.

Apollo 11 was 1969.

That is correct.

I'll give you a bonus gold star knowing that.

Well done.

Apollo 11 or Concorde?

You don't know what either of these things are?

The P1 Apollo, so...

The P1 A-pollo.

A pollo.

A single pollo!

Going to go up the moon on ma pollo!

"Yo, bruv, that's a sweet pollo you got there, yeah?"

"Yeah, it's my mum's, but I ride it on the weekend!"

Thank you, bonus gold star to me.

I'm really enjoying how long we're taking to do this.

-Seeing as I'm afraid of heights.

-Apollo or Concorde, now.

Apollo. I can tell you, the answer is...

..Concorde's first flight!

I knew it! Trick question.

Apollo 11 blasted off on 6th July 1969.

-Concorde took its first flight 2nd March 1969.

-Oh!

OK, you're both on amber.

You're up next, Ben. This is to keep you from the red.

What animal is heavier?

A hippopotamus or a black rhinoceros?

A hippopotamus or a black rhinoceros.

-I reckon a rhino.

-Oh, do you?

They do have the big horns, don't they? So that's...

SHE TOOTS

-The musical ones do, yeah.

-Rhinos, assemble!

-Ha-ha! I like that.

-I don't know.

-What do you think, Toby?

I'm stepping back for this one.

LAUGHTER

Now, THAT's how you captain a team!

I thought Toby was going to leave.

"No, these are stupid, actually..."

Right, so Toby's refusing to comment.

Which is great, on this television programme.

-It'll be wrong.

-What do you think? Just go with your instinct.

And then you'll be wrong. Hippo or rhino?

-Hippo.

-It must be a rhino - you know, Toby's always wrong.

-OK.

-You better be wrong! Absolutely wrong.

OK, so you're going with rhino.

-Yes.

-Because Toby said hippo.

-Yes.

-OK.

Well, I can tell you that the heaviest animal,

by nearly double, is...

-A, hippopotamus.

-Argh!

How dare you be right?!

-Oh...

-Toby!

I've not just let myself down, I've let my team-mates down.

You could never let us down, Toby.

Bec, you're on amber, Ben is one question away from the drop.

Here's your question.

Which of these words defines a building

between 300-600 metres in height?

A mega tall or a super tall?

A mega tall or a super tall?

They are both nonsense.

No-one says that about buildings.

They're both coffee sizes as well, aren't they?

"Oh, a mega tall with whipped cream. And hazelnut stuff."

And I pick it up in me pollo!

Do a drive-thru, order me mega tall, sip it down,

I'm off to the moon because Concorde's not been invented yet!

-Iain, where are you from?

-I'm from many places, Stu.

I grew up on the mean streets of America,

but sometimes I sound a bit French!

I'm going to push you for an answer.

-Mega tall...

-600 metres is over half a kilometre.

That's a tall building.

Yeah. I think mega's better than super.

Where I'm from, we'd just say "heaps". Oh, that's heaps tall!

So, between 300 metres and 600 metres -

A, mega tall, or B, super tall?

What do you want to go with, Bec Hill?

I like comic books, so I'm going to say super.

Super tall. OK.

I can tell you that a building

between 300 and 600 metres in height is...

-B, super tall.

-Yeah!

I can tell you that over 600 metres is mega tall.

-And is there another one up from that?

-Yes.

Heaps tall!

OK, Ben, if you get this question wrong,

you are getting dropped.

-I'm keenly aware of that, Iain.

-I press this little button here.

In fact, do you know what? I'll just...

-Don't!

-OK, here we go. This is to stay up.

The dot above a lower case letter i is known as a jot or tittle?

-A tittle...

-Or a jot.

-Or a jot?

-I think it's a jot.

-Suzi thinks it's a jot.

How sure are you, Suzi? Are you sure...?

-I'm guessing.

-What do you think it is, Tobes?

He's not getting involved.

All right, I'm going a bit loopy up here, I have to say.

It's getting to me, Iain. What are we going for, guys?

A tittle or a jot?

-Jot.

-Jot?

-Jot.

Toby, say one of them. Tell me.

-Tittle.

-Tittle!

-Oh...!

-Oh, no, the oracle has spoken!

-What are you going with?

-Ben, it's up to you.

Ben, going to have to push you. A jot or a tittle?

I will not be pushed. I will fall my own accord!

All right...I think jot.

OK, I can tell you that Toby told you to say tittle.

-Yes.

-You went with jot.

-Yeah.

-And I can tell you the dot above a lower case letter i

is known as a...

..tittle!

SCREAMING AND LAUGHTER

OK, Bec, you have to get two wrong, which means you cannot be dropped,

which means that the gold star goes to Daisy's team.

# Drop her anyway Drop her anyway... #

What?

I think... I think her hair is a funny...

AUDIENCE: Drop her! Drop her! Drop her!

Get dropped!

All aboard the school run.

-ANNOUNCER:

-'The school run!'

This is a relay race with each team having to drop

as many of these adorable schoolkids off at school as possible.

CRASH!

The team who all make it to the finish line first wins.

Simple as that. So, teams, if you'd like to join me at the start line,

let's do this!

OK, guys, everyone's in position,

remember, the first team to drop everyone off at school

and get back to the finish line is the winner.

-So, Stu, are you ready?

-I've never been more ready.

-Yeah, Suzi, are you ready?

-I'm ready.

In that case, three, two, one, get those kids to school!

KLAXON AND CHEERING

Stu's flicking it round.

Whoo!

It's neck and neck.

Does she drop the kids off?

Stu, good throw. Stu's back in the race!

Right, big crossover, big crossover, a big crossover.

Suzi's spun it! Suzi's spun it! Oh, Stu's back in the race.

Change, change, change!

SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

Here we go, here we go, here we go.

It's neck and neck, it's neck and neck!

It's so close!

Oh, this is so close.

SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

Right on the line! He's done it! He's done it!

That's expensive! That is expensive!

KLAXON AND CHEERING

And that the end of that round, the gold star goes to Toby's team!

Guys, doesn't time fly when I'm being hilarious?

But before we go, I need to add up the stars.

And the winners are...

..Daisy's team!

-CHEERING

-Yay!

Congratulations, you lot.

You get to cheer constantly for the next ten years.

As for Toby's team, not only does the dog eat your homework,

but you've got detention with Mr Smash.

It's time to take the walk of shame.

-# La-la-la-la-la... #

-AUDIENCE: Losers!

-# La-la-la-la-la... #

-Losers!

-# La-la-la-la-la... #

-Losers!

-# La-la-la-la-la... #

-Losers!

# Losers...lose. #

So, there you go. As ever, we didn't learn much, but do you know what?

It was fun trying. See you next time on...

AUDIENCE: The Dog Ate My Homework!

Sees ya!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE