Episode 5 The Dog Ate My Homework

CHEERING

BELL RINGS

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, everybody.

My name's Iain Stirling and welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework.

The show where there's going to be a little bit of this...

ELEPHANT CALLS

..a cheeky bit of this...

KLAXON

..and a whole load of...

CRICKETS CROAK

Wait, wait for it.

MAN YODELS

MAN BURPS

There you go. We got there in the end.

So, let's take the register.

On my right, a boy who once couldn't get to school

because he was snowed in,

and you try hiring a snowplough in mid-summer.

It's expensive. It's Matteo, everybody.

Here, sir.

And on Matteo's team,

some people are so famous, they only have one name.

Adele, Madonna, Beyonce...

all turned us down, so we've got Yonko.

Here, sir.

Also on Matteo's team, they say good things come in small packages.

And if you see a small package,

pop it in the bin, cos he's probably laid a dog's egg.

-It's Dodge T Dog.

-Yeah!

What up, dog!

What up, dog! On my left, a girl who collects rolls of sticky tape.

She tried to count them all in a row, but she couldn't find the end.

-It's Aisha, everybody.

-Here, sir.

Also on Aisha's team, a boy who starred in

a CBBC documentary all about his amazing life.

CBBC have asked me to do a documentary all about my life.

WEAK LAUGHTER

They will eventually.

-It's Leo.

-Here, sir.

And finally, on Aisha's team, a comedian, who as a girl, was taught

in the tiniest educational establishment on the planet.

It was a mini school. Minuscule...

Oh, shut up! It's Susan Calman.

Here, sir.

Please give it up for both of today's teams.

CHEERING

So, what goes down in my house?

Yeah. I'll tell you.

Our teams will compete to see whose brains are immense

and who's just plain dense.

And what they're playing for are my precious golden stars.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

Oooh, indeed.

I'll award bonus stars if they make me laugh

like I've never laughed before. For instance...

HE LAUGHS

I've never laughed like that before.

But be warned, any foul play and those stars will go away.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

Hey, seriously, guys, how many times?

-It's Iain's school, so it's... AUDIENCE:

-Iain's rules!

# I've got a catchphrase

# I've got a catchphrase all to myself

# Ba-da-boom. #

The team with the most stars at the end of the show are the winners,

while the losers face detention with a man who's great to take

on a camping holiday cos you can use his head to knock in tent pegs.

It's Mr Smash.

HE SCREAMS

Do you know what, mate?

I am fed up with you being so miserable every time.

You're always angry.

I'm going to set up an angry box that you've got to put money in

every time you're angry, all right?

HE SCREAMS

Well, put some money in the box.

And the better still,

all the money goes towards getting me and the Dog a big bag of sweets.

HE SCREAMS

Money in the box!

HE SCREAMS Money in the box!

Put it in the box.

Put it in the box!

HE SCREAMS

I think we're going to need a bigger box.

Let's get on with the show.

It's time now for Stick To The Point.

'Stick To The Point.'

I'll ask questions and if our teams are too slow, repeat an answer,

or just talk baba-labigity-bloop,

then I'll put them in the shush position.

But I cannot shush you by my own. I am not qualified.

But this is...

DRAMATIC MUSIC

It's the Stick Of Pointiness.

See how it points?

See how it... stick?

That's all it does.

I don't know what else you were expecting.

Right, the last team speaking wins.

You all know the rules.

And our first topic is things you would need in space.

-Chris.

-Space helmet.

-Yes. Susan.

-Oxygen.

-Dodge.

-Space food.

-Leo.

-Parachute.

-Parachute?

-Yeah.

So, in a place where you famously float.

You'd have to come down at some point, though,

so it's like a precautionary measure for when you come back from space.

-It makes perfect sense, Iain.

-Do you know what, Susan?

For that wonderful explanation,

-you've got yourself a bonus gold star.

-Yeah!

Matteo.

A plumber.

In space?!

Yeah. What about if you get a toilet blockage?

What are you going to do then?

Imagine unplugging a toilet in zero gravity.

It gives a new spin on the term - a floater.

-Leo.

-Space helmet.

-We've had that.

Oh, shush position, Leo. Unlucky.

Matteo.

A rocket.

I mean, yeah. I'm surprised that hasn't come up sooner.

-Susan.

-Spare pants and socks.

Whenever you go on a long journey, you must take spare pants and socks

so that you are at all times presentable

in case an accident happens.

I don't wear any pants.

Ooh!

Get lower. Cover yourself up, you disgusting dog. OK.

-Chris.

-Rocket boots.

Rocket boots, yes. Susan.

Brussels sprouts so that if you didn't like someone you're on

the space station with, you could feed them Brussels sprouts

and they would fart inside their space suit,

which I think would be a punishment worthy of someone you didn't like.

Imagine the smell of Brussels sprout farts right in your fish bowl head.

Hm.

-Dodge.

-A lead.

-Dodge.

-A lead!

-Dodge.

-I said a lead!

Repetition. Shush position.

Oh!

-Aisha.

-Space suit.

Space suit. We've not had that either. Matteo.

BUZZER Shush position.

-Aisha.

-Just general food.

We've already had that. Repetition. Shush position.

It's Susan versus the Yonk.

Who's going to win? Here we go.

-Chris.

-A towel.

-Susan.

-A space pen so I can write letters to my friends.

A friend.

-Chris.

-Boots.

We've had that. Shush position.

Points go to Aisha's team.

Next topic.

Things you might find in the attic.

-Dodge.

-Spiders.

-Yeah. Leo.

-Your brother.

-Your brother?!

-Yeah.

-Dodge.

-Treasure chest.

What?! Where is your house? In Narnia?

Well, actually, I share a house with a pirate.

So there.

-Leo.

-Spiders.

We've had it. Shush position.

-Yeah, Dodge said that.

-Did he?

-Did I?

-Yeah.

He doesn't even know. Matteo.

-A notebook.

-Yes. Susan.

A scary puppet that sits in the corner.

-Ooh!

-Oi!

Dodge is really angry, because he owns a scary puppet.

That's what you mean, don't you?

Yeah, and it sits in the corner a lot.

What face does it make?

LAUGHTER

-Matteo.

-Car-boot sale boxes which have never actually been sold.

No-one's selling any car boots!

-Susan.

-A rocking horse.

I'm trying to do what Dodge does.

I'm trying to do the thing that...

Matteo.

An old shoebox.

I'll give you that. Aisha.

-An old notebook.

-Have we had that?

-Yes!

-We've had it. Shush position, I'm afraid.

-Chris.

-A wasps' nest.

-Yes.

-Susan.

-Ladders.

-Yeah. Dodge.

-A banana!

-Susan.

-A dressing-up box.

-Matteo.

A... Eh...

Shush position.

-Susan.

-My thimble collection is in my parents' attic.

Now, some of you are thinking, "What a comical answer."

Absolutely factual.

-Dodge.

-A skeleton.

-Susan.

-Old lamps.

Yes, please. Dodge.

A ladder.

-I said ladder.

-We said that already.

-Shush position.

-Ha-ha.

Yonks against Calman.

It's happened again. Here we go.

-Chris.

-Halloween decorations.

-Susan.

-Winter hats.

-Chris.

-Easter decorations.

-Susan.

-Winter gloves.

-Chris.

-Sleeping bags.

-Susan.

-Tap shoes.

Ballet shoes.

Clogs.

Minds.

Shush position. That is not a thing.

Gold star to Aisha's team.

BELL RINGS

That is the bell.

And at the end of that round, the gold star goes to Aisha's team.

CHEERING

Oh, sorry, everyone. I'm just reading my new book.

Iain Stirling - How It All Went Handsome.

Now, this is a book you can judge by its cover.

It's obviously going to be amazing, but it's not always this easy,

in a round we like to call...

'Judge a Book.'

What that guy just said.

I'll show the teams a book with some of its title missing.

All they have to do is guess what that book is called.

These are all genuine books you can buy in a shop, I kid you not.

Let's look at the first book.

OK. And the title is, blank, blank.

-'Matteo.'

-Matteo.

How To Chastise Your Children In A Wheelbarrow.

Is it How To Chastise Your...? It's only two words!

-Oh!

-Do the hands again.

I'm getting sore wrists.

-'Aisha.'

-Yes.

-School Run.

-School Run?!

That's great.

I think you get a bonus gold star.

Just the image of it.

"Kids are late again.

"The car's broken down in autumn! Happens all the time."

That's what Scottish Rail do when there's leaves on the track.

-'Aisha.'

-Susan Calman.

What happens when the wi-fi breaks down and you have to actually

speak to each other on a bank holiday Monday?

Oh, nothing worse. "There's no wi-fi. Mum's got the Jenga out! No!"

-'Matteo.'

-A Wheelbarrow Race.

A Wheelbarrow Race. Do you know what?

I'm going to give you one of the words,

cos this is nothing to do with the picture.

It's mad. Let's have one of the words.

-Stories.

-'Matteo.'

-Chris.

-Confusing Stories.

Yes! I mean, very rightly so, but no.

-'Aisha.'

-Yes?

Woodland. Forest. Holiday. Autumn.

I mean, all of those should be...

I'm going to give you the answer.

The answer we're looking for was Bedtime Stories.

What?! They're in a wheelbarrow, Iain.

-'School Disco!'

-School Disco!

MUSIC: Hot Right Now by DJ Fresh ft Rita Ora

MUSIC STOPS

OK. Next one is, this is the book cover...

Lovely.

This is an actual book you can buy in the shop and the title is...

Whose... blank, blank, blank.

-'Matteo.'

-Yes!

Whose Taken My Head?

-'Aisha.'

-Aisha.

Whose Elephant's Butt?

Whose Elephant's Butt?

-Question mark.

-Oh, yeah.

Whose Elephant's Butt?

-'Matteo.'

-Whose Is It?

-Whose Is It?

-Yeah.

I love the idea of somebody walking into a school with

a massive bum going, "Whose is it?

-"Who left their bum here?"

-'Aisha.'

-Sorry. Aisha's team.

Whose Cheeks Are These?

Whose Cheeks Are These?!

Bonus gold star for Leo.

Whose Cheeks Are These?

Sounds like a new show on ITV2.

"Oh, I'm Keith Lemon and this is Whose Cheeks Are These?!"

'Aisha.'

-Yes.

-Whose Stolen My Trousers?

"Whose stolen my trousers?"

"Whose taken my trousers? My bottom's hanging out all the time.

"There's a fly buzzing about."

-Anyone else.

-'Matteo.'

Whose Bottom Is It?

Oh! I'm going to give you the gold star. It's Whose Bottom Is This?

High five.

BELL RINGS

And at the end of that round, the gold star for winning goes to

Matteo's team.

CHEERING

Gran, I've told you, we're doing it now, OK?

They're going to get pied right in the mush.

OK, bye, Gran. Love you too. Bye-bye. OK. Hi, everyone.

It's now time for Pie The Supply.

-'Pie The Supply.'

-Yes.

Four strange looking characters have snuck into my school and they

are looking well suspicious, but enough about the celebrity guests.

As for those four, they all claim to be real drama teachers,

but only one is telling the truth.

Here are our suspected teachers.

Teacher one, Ms Carol.

Teacher two, Mrs Stewart.

Teacher three, Mr Bopal.

And teacher four, Ms McArthur.

Which one is the real drama teacher?

Matteo, which one whiffs of teacher to you?

One, two, three or four? Any jump out at you?

Probably three. I think maybe two as well.

Two as well.

Got the drama teacher sandals.

Is that what you're saying?

-Get them digits out.

-Yeah, that's why.

The toes are acting angry. OK.

They say the toes are the windows to the soul.

Toes are the windows to the soul.

Aisha's team.

First impressions. Which one whiffs of teacher? Who are you thinking?

Definitely number two.

-Definitely number two?

-Yeah.

-She looks like a proper drama teacher.

-Do you know why?

When she was introduced she went...

Like, casual in front of an audience,

like she was entirely comfortable with the situation.

After two, probably four.

Two or four. Right, let's get some questions.

-Yeah.

-Matteo's team. Dodge, have you got any questions?

-Oh, yeah. I've got a question...

-Right.

-..for number two.

Why do you have a chicken necklace on?

Good question. Very observant.

I love chickens.

I mean... I mean, it was the answer we were all expecting.

I'd like to ask number two another question.

-OK.

-It's food related.

-OK.

-It's food and ear related.

Why have you got ice cream earrings on?

Do you know, I love chickens and ice cream.

She's an actress.

Nobody in their right mind would love ice cream and chickens.

There you are. Put those worlds together.

Chicken flavoured ice cream.

"You want some chicken flavoured ice cream? Cock-a-doodle-I-do."

-I'll tell you what we'll do.

-Yeah.

-These are drama teachers.

-As we all know, Iain Stirling, I'm a famous actor.

-Yes, you are.

-I am going to do an act-off with each of our teachers. OK.

-Yes.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-We'll go one first. Susan?

-Yes.

Can you give me and each of our teachers a...

-Hi, there, by the way. It's lovely to meet you.

-Hi.

Can you give us an emotion?

Me and number one are going to do an emotion now.

Number one and Iain, I'd like you to be sad, but also a bit happy.

OK, here we go. One, two, three.

OK, me and number two now.

I want you to be angry, but confused.

Urgh!

HE GROANS

OK.

Me and number three now. Thank you.

-Number three, I want you to...

-He held my hand!

I want you to be worried, but confident.

Number four, here we go. Final one, Susan.

This is less of an emotion, but I want you to be a nervous janitor.

Oh, look at the muck!

Do you want me to do that?

I don't know what you're doing, love,

I don't know what I'm doing either.

There you go. That's a little bit of that.

APPLAUSE

-Any insights?

-Again, number two went for it.

I mean, number one was very good as well, but, I mean,

just the way that number two threw herself at anything we're asking.

I was looking down and her toes looked angry, but sad.

I know how to sort this out, Iain.

-How?

-Number three, recite some Shakespeare.

"Is this a dagger I see before me?"

Iain. Iain, I think I may have wet myself.

I think we should work down the line.

Number four, Shakespeare.

"Gather ye rosebuds while you may."

Ooh!

Very good.

Number one.

"Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?"

He's gone down the chicken shop with number two.

And finally, number two.

"Hubble, rubble, toil and trouble."

"Cauldrons burn and something."

You've asked your questions, you've had your first impressions,

but now it's a very important part, let's see what our audience think.

Audience, do you think it's one, two, three or four?

Please vote now. And don't forget to project from the diaphragm.

One, two, three, who do you think it is?

THEY SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER

Lots of twos, lots of three and a couple of fours.

Matteo, you're about to live the dream.

You might very well pie a teacher in the face. It's time to get pied.

-'Pie The Supply.'

-Off you go, Matteo.

Pie the supply. Off you go, mate. Good luck, teach.

Gently, gently, son. Don't get carried away.

Run, run!

She's eating it! She ate it!

Sit down.

OK. She's like, "Oh, it tastes like ice cream."

Tastes like chicken and ice cream.

It does, yeah. Aisha, you're up next. It's time to pie the supply.

'Pie The Supply.'

Gently, gently, remember.

Here we go. Here she goes.

She's been training for this for months.

Ooh!

You might have to come down to her...

She got it again!

Two got it again!

No!

If this isn't number two, I'm so sorry.

Would...? Oh, please be number two.

Would the real drama teacher please step forward?

Yeah!

Yeah!

Which means at the end of that round, both teams get a gold star.

Do you know what I fancy?

A little bit of Mime Craft.

'Mime Craft.'

Today, all the activities are sport related, so Matteo, from your team,

who do you want to come down the front of the studio

and perform some activities?

You can do Dodge or you can do Chris.

Obviously not Dodge, cos he'll lose, so Chris.

Yeah, we'll go for Yonks.

-Yonk, please make your way to The Mime Spot.

-'The Mime Spot.'

Yonko, you're a very sporting individual.

Your time will start when Matteo turns over his first board.

Matteo, one, two, three. Take it away, young man.

Oh! Ah...

Batman!

Not Batman!

Skip it. It's trapeze. He's terrible.

How is that a sport?

Oh, it's not a sport.

Weight lifting.

Yes. I mean, that's not how you do it, with one hand.

All right. Come on. Oh!

-Snowboarding.

-No.

-Skateboarding.

-Yes!

You're good at this.

-Pool!

-No.

-Snooker.

-Yes.

Oh, here we go.

-Golf.

-No.

-Rounders.

Tennis. Cricket.

Yes!

Oh, here we go.

Erm...

Oh! Gangnam Style!

Gangnam Style!

Horse riding. Jockeying. Horse riding.

One, two, three, jump.

-Horse jumping.

-Yes!

That's not the first time they've done this.

-Disc throwing.

-No, long, thin.

Javelin.

-Yes.

-Yeah, good work.

BELL RINGS

Basketball.

No, luckily we missed that one,

cos Chris would have got into his bikini.

Well done, Chris. Take a seat.

OK, give it up for Chris, everybody.

CHEERING

Aisha, Susan or Leo, who do you want doing some miming?

I'm going to have Susan.

Susan, please make your way to The Mime Spot.

'The Mime Spot.'

Susan Calman is an absolute veteran of this game.

She's incredible.

Aisha, your time starts when you flip over your flippy thing.

On your own time. Take it away.

Swimming. Snorkelling.

Yes!

Oh, yeah!

Tennis. Table tennis.

Yes!

LAUGHTER

Good luck.

-Pass. Pass.

-Yoga.

I'll give you that.

Skiing.

Yes!

Do the spins. Yeah.

Discus.

Yeah!

Fishing.

Fishing's right.

SHE SCREAMS

Pole jump.

No.

-Pole jump.

-No. She's got a...

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Javelin.

Biking.

BELL RINGS

Susan Calman, everybody.

APPLAUSE

I'm 41.

SHE PANTS

How are you feeling, Susan?

Yeah, just give me a wee second.

I was a little bit sick in my mouth there. It's fine.

I can tell you at the end of that round, it was a draw,

so you both get gold stars.

And that's about it, but before we go, let's add up the scores.

-ALL:

-Oooohhh!

And the winners are Aisha's team!

CHEERING

Congratulations, you lot.

You will be remembered for a good couple of minutes to come.

As for Matteo's team, not only does the Dog eat your homework,

but you have got detention with Mr Smash.

It's time to take the Walk Of Shame.

-# La-la-la-la

-Losers

-# La-la-la-la

-Losers

-# La-la-la-la

-Losers

-# La-la-la-la

-Losers

-# La-la-la-la

-Losers

# Losers. #

So, that's your lot.

As ever, we probably didn't learn much, but do you know what?

It was fun trying.

See you all next time on...

-AUDIENCE:

-The Dog Ate My Homework!

Sees ya!