Episode 6 The Dog Ate My Homework

CHEERING

BOOING

HE YELLS

GARBLED SPEECH

PTERODACTYL SCREECHES

SHARK CRUNCHES

WHISTLING

DRAGON ROARS

BEEPING

ROARING

DOG MUNCHES

CHEERING

Hello, I'm Iain Stirling,

and welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework, where there's games,

dancing elephants on stilts playing the banjo, and...

What? Sorry, what?

The elephants have...? They're stuck in traffic?

OK.

No... Sorry, well, we don't have elephants,

but we do have a whole load of fun, so let's take the register.

On my right, a boy whose school issued a food allergy warning

after hiring a robotic dinner lady.

His food may contain nuts...

and bolts.

-It's Isaac!

-Here, sir.

APPLAUSE

And on Isaac's team,

a comedian who discovered you can do comedy underwater,

because the bubbles mean that people are laughing.

Yeah, they might also be doing something else, Johnny.

It's Johnny Cochran, everyone.

APPLAUSE

Also on Isaac's team,

a comedian who once performed at a gig on the top of Mount Everest.

It started well, but then went down...

downhill.

It's Katia Kvinge.

-Here, sir.

-APPLAUSE

And on my left,

a girl who was once locked in the school library.

She would have shouted for help, but the sign said, "Quiet, please."

-It's Grace.

-Here, sir.

APPLAUSE

And on Grace's team,

a man who knows his stand-up routine so well, he can do it in his sleep,

and sometimes even the audience watch in their sleep.

-It's Steve Bugeja.

-Here, sir.

-APPLAUSE

And finally, on Grace's team,

a comedian described as the best thing since sliced bread.

If you leave him out too long, he does go mouldy.

It one half of Johnny and Inel. It's Inel Tomlinson.

-Here, sir.

-APPLAUSE

Guys, please give it up for both of today's teams.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

"So, how does it all work?" I hear you ask.

Well, I'm going to tell you now.

Basically, the shirt, that's sort of to complement my eyes,

and the glasses,

they sort of suggest intelligent and handsome, but I'm not...

What? Oh, how does the game work? Sorry.

I thought you meant my outfit.

The teams play games to get some of these golden stars.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

Bonus stars are awarded for being extra-intelligent.

Might be a struggle with today's panel.

But any monkey business and I'll take your stars away.

Awww!

Hey, don't give me any of that. I've got a catchphrase.

It's Iain's school, so it's...

Iain's rules.

The team with the most stars at the end of the show are the winners,

while the losers face detention with a man so scary,

only an idiot would say his name.

It's Mr Smash.

HE YELLS

Huh?

Uh?!

MR SMASH CHUCKLES

MR SMASH LAUGHS

HE KISSES

-Er, Smash?

-Huh?

Do you know why the dog was grooming himself with the comb?

-Uh!

-It's because he's got fleas.

-Huh?

-Fleas.

MR SMASH YELLS

Let's get on with the show!

Time now for Stick To The Point.

'Stick To The Point.'

I'll ask questions, and if our teams are too slow to repeat an answer

or just panic and have a severe case of windypops,

I'll put them in the shush position.

Can I see your shush positions, please?

Lovely stuff.

But first, I need my stick of pointiness!

GUITAR RIFF

GUITAR STOPS

-How was that for you, Steve?

-Quite enjoyable.

-Good.

I didn't even know it could do that. There you go.

OK, the last team speaking wins. You all know the rules.

And the first question is...

things you'd want in your dream home.

Johnny Cochrane?

A big television so I can watch The Dog Ate My Homework.

-Oooh!

-Someone just earned himself a bonus gold star.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooooh!

Steve?

-Swimming pool.

-Yes. Johnny?

An Iain Stirling calendar.

Available in all good shops.

In the bargain bin.

Take the stars away. Take the stars away.

Gold star away! Gold star away!

Do you know what? It was reduced for...

There was a printing error and they were half-price,

but that was not due to demand.

Grace?

-A fingerprint recognition thing.

-Yes! Inel?

-A big garage so you can put all your sports cars in it.

-Yes! Isaac?

Having a cardboard cutout of Iain Stirling himself

so you can admire his hair.

Thank you. You've got yourself a bonus gold star.

Inel?

A talking front door.

So, like, when you get home, he's like...

-POSH VOICE:

-"Oh, good to see you, Inel."

And then he opens up and you're like, "Nice one, door."

-Would you have a posh front door?

-Yeah, obviously.

I have a really angry Scottish front door.

Like, "Oh, what do you want now?!"

Katia?

A slide that goes upstairs to downstairs.

-How do you get back up again?

-Um... Crawl up?

Steve?

A bunk bed. I've never had one, really want one. I just think...

Your dream house, a bunk bed?

-They look amazing.

-Katia?

A dial to change the weather,

so if it's raining outside, I can make it sunny inside.

That's called a roof.

Fine, I'll give you that. Your dream house has a roof.

Johnny?

A swimming pool.

We've had swimming pool. Get in the shush position. Isaac?

Have an all-you-can-eat buffet so you can bathe yourself in food.

Yes, please. Steve?

-BUZZER Shush position, please.

-Ohh!

-Katia?

Um...

BUZZER Shush position. Grace?

-A wig parlour.

-A wig parlour?

A wig parlour so you can get loads of free wigs

and then when you're going out to do your business, then...

LAUGHTER

Humphrey! I am off to do some business.

Fetch me a wig from the parlour.

Inel?

-Heated floors...

-Inel?

-..so you don't have to wear shoes.

-Inel?

-And then you'll have, like, a robe that is also heated

so you don't even have to wear clothes.

-Inel?

-And then once you take off that robe,

all the towels are heated, cos you have a warm towel rack.

-Inel?

-And then that towel rack

is connected to all the metal things in your house,

so everything's warm.

-Inel?

-So you don't even have to put the heating on,

cos the heating's always on.

-Inel?

-But even when it comes to summertime,

you go outside, cos you've got a water fountain.

-Inel?

-And then after that, the water fountain dries up,

cos, obviously, it's summer, and all the water's going to go.

That's when you just... drink water.

Well played. Isaac?

A heated radiator where you can fall asleep...

We've already had heated things. BUZZER

So, Isaac, shush position, please.

-Gold star goes to Grace's team.

-Yeah!

BELL RINGS

That is the school bell.

At the end of that round, I can tell you it's a draw,

so you both get a gold star.

APPLAUSE

Time now for Mime Craft.

'Mime Craft.'

In this round, one member of each team

has to act out an activity for the others to guess,

activities which will appear on the one, the only,

the magnificent flippy thing.

'The flippy thing.'

OK, today, the subject is animals.

Isaac, who from your team do you want to see miming?

I will have, um...Katia.

Katia, please make your way to the Mime Spot.

'The Mime Spot.'

Your time starts when Isaac turns over the card.

Isaac, when you're ready.

HOOTER Here we go.

Rarr!

-Lion.

-Lion.

-Yes.

Next one.

Um...

SHE STUTTERS Act it out.

INDISTINCT SPEECH

-Imagine...

-Wait, wait, wait, wait. I'll be a tree.

-A rhino.

-Woodpecker.

-Yes!

Um... Ooh! Um...

I've got a really long neck.

-Giraffe?

-Yeah.

Miming. You got to remember to mime.

Oh, I'm so slow. I can't go fast.

-Mime! It's Mime Craft. It's called Mime Craft.

-Sorry!

-Tortoise.

-Yes, correct. Next one.

-Mime it!

-Um...

Mime it! Mime it!

-Look, that's miming.

-Squirrel.

-Meerkat.

-Yes!

-Meerkat, yes!

-Um... OK.

-There we go.

-Oh, so slow.

-A snail.

-Snail?

-Snail, yes.

OK. Um...

-Moo! Moo!

-Mime it!

You're meant to mime it!

Moo. Moo.

Cow. Cow.

-What is it?

-Cow?

-Yes!

-Cow, cow.

-Bzzzz!

-Bee?

-No.

-Bee?

-BUZZER

Oh! Time's up. Let's hear it for Katia, everyone.

-We were after fly.

-Some have got to be disallowed.

-Yeah.

It's Iain's school, so it's...

-AUDIENCE:

-Iain's rules.

Grace, you've got a lot to live up to.

Who are you going to go with, Inel or Steve?

-Steve.

-OK, Steve, please take your place at the Mime Spot.

'The Mime Spot.'

Steve, your time starts when Grace flips the first one.

Grace, in your own time, please.

-Are you ready?

-I am so ready.

Go. HOOTER

-Kangaroo?

-What?!

-Er...

-Oh!

-Horse.

-Yes!

Good laugh. Um...

-Ooh-ooh!

-Dolphin.

Did you get that?! How did you get that?

Oh, right, um...

-Kangaroo.

-Smaller than a kangaroo.

It's not the right one.

Wallaby. No. Er...

Do the ears.

-There we go.

-Rabbit.

-Rabbit.

-Yes!

Why are you jumping around? Just do that.

I thought rabbits jumped more. These ones do!

-Kangaroo.

-No.

Ribbit, ribbit.

-Frog.

-Yes! JOHNNY:

-With sound.

-A fish.

-Fish.

-Yes!

No, wait, wait.

-Kangaroo.

-Yes! Finally, kangaroo came!

-Oh, I'm so pretty.

-Wait, wait, wait.

Start as a thing. Do the... Do the whole thing.

-Butterfly.

-Yes!

-We've done this!

-What are you doing?!

-I wanted to do the whole character.

-Wants his gold star.

Um... Er...

-Tortoise.

-It's... Just point at the show!

-Point at the show!

-Dog. Dog! Dog.

Get on the floor.

Snake.

BELL RINGS Yes! Just in time.

-High-five.

-What an effort!

Katia, that was called miming.

I can tell you that at the end of that round,

the team with the most right answers and get themselves a gold star is...

-Grace's team.

-Yes!

APPLAUSE

It's time now for Pie The Supply.

'Pie The Supply.'

Well, bless my bottom if it hasn't happened again.

Four more people have waltzed into the studio,

all claiming to be real technical teachers,

but only one is telling the truth.

Can our teams spot the impostors?

I hope so, or else it's the end of civilisation.

Or just... It's a bit embarrassing.

So, here are today's technical teachers.

Teacher one, Mr Black.

Teacher two, Mrs Maine.

Teacher three, Mr Maxwell.

Or teacher four, Mrs Gracie.

'School disco!'

School disco!

MUSIC PLAYS

RECORD SCRATCHES

-Isaac.

-Mm?

First impressions, what are you thinking?

-Number one.

-Number one?

He just smiled at me, and that's not a good sign.

Number one's doing the "please don't hurt me" smile.

What about the rest of the team? Johnny, what are you thinking?

I think it could be number one.

He looks like he might have those kind of skills

that a technical teacher might have.

Don't nod your head!

You're trying to get not pied.

OK, Grace's team, first impressions?

Maybe three,

because you look like the woodwork teacher in my school.

Yeah, that's like a man.

If it is the woodwork teacher in your school,

do say, cos that would make it a lot easier.

Number three, he's got the big hands.

He's been, like, lifting up pinewood,

putting it in the pillar drill.

-Just making shelves and stuff.

-Yeah.

Doesn't make a shelf. Looks at a shelf, shelf goes on the wall.

"Get up there!"

Grace's team, have you got any questions for our teachers?

I was thinking, if they're DT teachers,

they'd have quite a good knowledge of DT stuff,

so I thought we'd just do a quick quiz of just one of them,

just catch them off-guard.

Number four, what's your favourite type of screw?

Um...

-Star screw.

-Yeah, fair enough, yeah.

-Is that one?

-I don't know.

LAUGHTER

It sounds right.

Isaac's team.

I think the DT teachers will be quite heavy on safety.

Yeah, they will be.

So shall we ask them what rules they impose on their class?

What safety equipment. Johnny, I'll leave you to it.

-You can ask in any order you wish.

-Number two.

You always need to use working gloves and goggles.

-Working gloves and goggles. OK.

-Um...

Number one.

An apron to protect you from loose clothing away from the machines.

Cos you just bought a lovely new pair of cords.

-I've got one.

-On you go, Grace.

-Yeah.

Because DT isn't all about woodwork and stuff,

I've got some textiles,

-cos I'm doing textiles at school at the moment.

-OK.

-How do you make cord?

-How do you make cord? Number one.

Um...

You buy it from a shop.

-APPLAUSE

-You sussed him out.

"Welcome to class, kids.

"Today's lesson is... throwing money at the problem."

Number two, how do you make cord?

How would you make cord?

I'm asking you!

Stand you ground, Grace. Stand your ground.

Number three, how do you make cord?

Get the guitar out and strum it.

Ahh!

APPLAUSE It's a pun!

Every man in this room's going, "That's going in the notepad."

And finally, number four.

In my day, we used to intertwine it,

but you get a machine that can do that now.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

-We've had the questions.

We've had our first impressions. Audience, what do you think?

Someone is a real technical teacher. Who is it?

This is your chance to make your voices heard.

On the count of three, what teacher, one, two, three or four?

Vote now.

AUDIENCE SHOUT OUT

Lots of twos and fours.

But, Isaac, what do you think? It is decision time.

Who lied and who's about to get pied?

Isaac, it's time to pie the supply.

'Pie The Supply.'

You pie away, son.

Who is it going to be?

That's a lot of cream on that pie.

-ALL:

-Ohh...

Who is it going to be?

No!

Number four got pied.

Grace, I've got a feeling

you've been looking forward to this all day.

It's time to pie the supply.

'Pie The Supply.'

Gently, Grace. Let's do this. Come on.

There's a lot of cream on that pie. Here we go.

Grace, here we go. Gently, Grace.

-They're nervous.

-You two may need to kneel down a bit.

-Oh-ho-ho!

-ALL:

-Ohh...

Who's it going to be?

Right, let's find out.

Would the real technical teacher please step forward?

No!

APPLAUSE

No!

Three and four, what do you do?

-Fireman.

-Fireman!

-I knew it!

-What do you do, number four?

-Retired doctor.

-A doctor!

We've pied a fireman and a doctor!

-ISAAC:

-Yeah!

Isaac's delighted!

At the end of that round,

no-one got a gold star, but two people got pied in the face.

APPLAUSE

It's now time for High School Dropout.

'High School Dropout.'

In a moment, two of our brave panellists will go head-to-head

on the now almost world-famous Dog Ate My Homework drop zone.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Whilst standing on their bins, our fearless guests will have to answer

some pretty tricky general knowledge questions.

The first to get three wrong is binned.

Isaac, who do you want to get binned?

-Katia.

-OK, Katia it is.

Grace, who do you want to see stood on a bin?

Well, no-one, really, but if I had to choose...

-Thanks, Grace!

-No-one, really, but she seems pretty happy about it.

OK, Katia, Steve, please make your way to the bins.

OK, remember, guys,

get three questions wrong and you are high school dropped!

Remember, you can confer with your team-mates.

-Isaac's team, you're up first, so Katia...

-Right.

-..first question.

-Yeah.

Which of these is a real colour of paint...

A, burnt bagel,

or B, whispering peach?

-What do you think?

-I think whispering peach.

-Whispering peach.

-Whispering.

-Yeah.

-You think whispering peach?

-Yeah.

-You sure?

-I... Yeah.

I can tell you the real colour is...

B, whispering peach.

-GRACE:

-Ooh, she's lucky.

-I know!

-Steve Bugeja...

-Yes?

First question.

Who is older...

A, Ant, or B, Dec?

-Which one's which?

-Inel...

-Inel...

-Which one's which? Grace, come on. It's my legs at stake.

This question could be, "Who is Ant, who is Dec?" and still not...

-"I don't know!"

-Dec is the shorter one.

Ant is the taller one. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't... I don't know. It's up to you.

Well, I'm going to use the logic that he's taller,

so he must be older. Um...

What, like he's a plant?

Yes. Ant is older than Dec.

I can tell you...

the older one is...

-Dec!

-Ohh!

Ohh!

-Steve, you go from green to amber.

-Ohh, that's a blow.

That's a blow.

OK, Katia, you're currently in the lead.

What weighs more...

A, pure gold,

or B, pure silver?

Ohh.

I think it will be gold.

Why, Johnny? Why?

-Why?!

-Um...

Because I know the answer, cos in the periodic table,

gold is at the right end, where it would weigh more, so...

-I mean, let's just say...

-Not funny, but it's true.

No-one saw Johnny saying that.

This might be cheating,

but I think I should have brought my own periodic table.

Speak for yourself, Isaac.

I've got mine in my pocket right now.

So, you think gold. What do you think, Katia?

-Let's go for gold.

-You're going for gold.

-Yeah.

And I can tell you that that was...

Gold.

..a good decision, it's correct.

Ohh...

Steve...

I'm not going to lie to you, mate. It's not looking good.

The world's first-ever phone call

was made by the inventor of the telephone, Alexander Graham Bell,

to his assistant, Thomas Watson.

What did he say?

A, "Mr Watson, can you come here, please?"

or, "Mr Watson, come here, I want to see you"?

I think it's A, and it's more polite. Do you think that, Grace?

Sure.

-OK.

-OK, you said A.

I can tell you

that Alexander Graham Bell picked up the phone in 1876

and said to his assistant, Thomas Watson, he said,

"Mr Watson,

"come here, I want to see you."

You're wrong!

Get him in the bin!

Steve has gone straight into the red zone after two questions.

You are one question away from the drop.

-Right, Katia, here we go.

-Yep.

Let's keep the questions easy, OK?

In 2009, a search for the Loch Ness monster came up empty.

What did scientists find, though?

Over 100,000 golf balls or 100,000 shoes?

-Ohh!

-Um...

I think it might be shoes, just because...

they'd need to be playing golf by Loch Ness all the time

to get that many balls,

and there's more likely to be shoes that have been thrown in.

What do you think, Isaac? Shoes or balls?

-Shoes.

-Shoes.

-Shoes?

-Are you going to go with your team?

-Yeah.

-We're locking that in.

Was it golf balls?

-Near several golf courses.

-Is it?

Or was it 100,000 shoes?

I can tell you the answer is...

golf balls.

-Ahh!

-You're incorrect. You go into the amber zone, Katia.

-OK.

-Steve, we now come to you.

You have yet to get an answer right.

I'm aware of the scores, Iain.

If you don't get this, you're getting...

In fact, just before we...

-Oh, oh! What you doing there?

-Just getting ready.

I think a responsible adult

should be in charge of that button, not Iain.

I am very responsible, actually.

"Hit it!"

I love making telly programmes in Scotland.

"Hit it!" Should I hit it!

STEVE SHOUTS OUT

-What...?

-I feel sick.

What is greater,

the total weight of all the humans on Earth

or the total weight of all the ants on Earth?

God.

I think humans is the obvious answer, because we're bigger.

Is that...? I'm joking.

-I'm joking.

-So, wait, what do you guys think?

-I...

-I mean, I haven't seen any ants in a long time.

And you're saying all of them weigh heavier...

I have a feeling I might see a few in a minute.

-Um...

-Personally, Steve, I would go with humans.

-I'd go with ants.

-But, obviously, it's up to you.

Grace is going with ants.

-This is genuinely the most nervous thing I've ever done.

-Me or Grace.

No, I think I'm going to go with what I initially...

I agree with Grace.

I don't think Inel knows what he's talking about.

So...

Ants are heavier.

You think the total weight of ants on Earth

is heavier than the total weight of humans on Earth?

-Is that what do you think?

-I don't know!

Don't forget, bend your knees.

Oh, don't do this!

-Just to be clear, I didn't think that.

-OK...

-I can tell you...

-No!

-..that the answer...

-Mum, I love you!

And Dad.

And brother.

..the answer written on this card,

here, in ink,

is...

the total weight of humans.

You're wrong!

What?!

Steve, are you OK?

No!

-Katia, the good news is, you're on amber.

-I know. Feels good.

The only way, Katia, you could get dropped...

-Please don't.

-I mean, there's no way.

There's no way you can get dropped.

-Unless the audience said...

-No!

-..you were to get dropped.

AUDIENCE SHOUT OUT

-AUDIENCE:

-Drop, drop, drop, drop.

-I'm not having it.

AUDIENCE CONTINUE SHOUTING I can't hear you!

Drop, drop, drop...

HE SHOUTS

There you go.

At the end of that round, the winning team is Isaac's team.

They get themselves a gold star.

APPLAUSE

And that's just about it.

All I need to do now is add up the scores.

-ALL:

-Ooh...

And the winners are...

Grace's team!

CHEERING

Get in! Yeah!

Congratulations, you lot.

You go down in history, and I might chuck in a free pen.

As for Isaac's team, not only has the dog ate your homework,

but you have got detention with Mr Smash.

It's time to take the Walk Of Shame.

# La, la, la, la-la-la Losers

# La, la, la, la-la-la, losers

# La, la, la, la-la-la Losers

# La, la, la, la-la-la, losers

# La, la, la, la-la-la Losers

# Losers. #

So, that's your lot.

As ever, we didn't learn much, but do you know what?

It was fun trying. See you next time on...

-AUDIENCE:

-The Dog Ate My Homework.

Sees ya!