Episode 7 The Dog Ate My Homework

HE GRUNTS AND SHOUTS

HE SHOUTS LOUDLY

LAUGHTER

BELL RINGS

CHEERING

Hola, amigos. Como estas?

I'm Iain Stirling, and welcome to The Dog Ate My Homework,

the show that's 30 minutes of nonstop entertainment.

Well, apart from, like, the scores, the credits,

and this bit's not ideal...

I mean, it's...

It's about four minutes of entertainment,

but what a four minutes.

And we're kicking things off by taking the register.

On my right, a boy who said his cookery exam was easy peasy,

lemon squeezy, which meant his omelette tasted awful.

-It's Luca!

-Here, sir!

And on Luca's team, the exciting new face of CBBC.

Quite what was wrong with the old one, I have no idea.

-It's Lauren Layfield!

-Here, sir!

Also on Luca's team, a comedian who wrote his first joke aged three.

And we're expecting the second joke any time soon.

-It's Matthew Crosby.

-Here, sir.

On my left, a girl who made sure she got the highest pass marks

in English by gluing her essay to the ceiling.

It's Amara.

Here, sir!

And on Amara's team, a comedian who's been described

as one to watch.

Especially if you lend him money.

It's Marlon Davis.

Here, sir!

And, finally, on Amara's team, a man who

when it comes to acting skills has none.

He plays Mr Nunn in the 4 O'Clock Club, it's Dan Wright!

Here, sir!

Give it up for both of today's teams, everyone!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Guys, I'll tell you how the show works.

I ask a question and then pretend to listen to the answer.

I am not, I'm thinking about what I'm having for my dinner.

'Spaghetti carbonara.'

'I look so handsome when I'm thinking.'

And what are the teams playing for?

I'll tell you what they're playing for,

they're playing for these gold stars.

AUDIENCE OOHS

Yes, you can win them with wit,

but lose them with larking around like a loony.

In which case, I can shoo them right back again.

AUDIENCE AWWS

Hey, you can moan till you're blue in the face,

at which point I will call you an ambulance.

But still, it's Iain's school, so it's...

-AUDIENCE:

-Iain's rules!

I've got a catchphrase.

The team with the most stars at the end of the show

are the winners, while the losers face detention

with a man who's got less brain cells

than a sticky toffee pudding.

It's Mr Smash!

HE GRUNTS AND SHOUTS

I can't believe it.

Turns out Mr Smash has gone and won the award

for being the world's most intelligent teacher!

HE GRUNTS EXCITEDLY

Um...what's that? They've even made you a T-shirt?

GRUNTS HAPPILY Can we have a look at it?

The world's most intelligent teach...

LAUGHTER

It says "twit," mate.

HE SHOUTS ANGRILY

METALLIC CLANG

He just smashed the... He smashed a bronze trophy!

Let's get on with the show!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Time now for Stick To The Point.

-LOUDSPEAKER:

-Stick To The Point.

I'll ask questions and if the teams are too slow,

repeat an answer or just blank me, I'll put them in the shush position.

Can I please see your shush positions, please?

OK. First, I need my stick of pointiness.

Which is right here.

It was just down there.

We normally have a joke, but...

It was just there.

OK, the last team speaking wins and our first topic is...

Things you might find in France.

Things you might find dans le France.

-Iain.

-Oui? Yes?

-Why did you do that in a Welsh accent?

Je ne comprends pas...

muppette.

-OK. Marlon.

-French people.

Yes, they are there, lots of them.

-Matthew?

-Cheese.

Yes, please. Amara?

-Croissants.

-Ooh. Lauren?

Just streets.

-AMARA:

-Streets?!

-That are French.

-Rues.

-What is it?

-Rue.

-La rue.

-Dan?

-A train to come back home.

That's a very English way of describing France.

Best thing about France?

You can get back home!

Really easy. Luca?

-Moustaches.

-Moustaches.

Yes, please. Amara?

People speaking French.

Bonus gold star, well done.

Thank you.

-Matthew?

-The Eiffel Tower.

You can find that there.

-Amara?

-Iain on holiday.

I am there all the time.

J'adore le French people.

-Luca?

-Iain.

I'm there, yeah.

I'm there normally, on my holidays.

Just kicking about.

-Marlon?

-You're here now, you're not over there.

Good point. Luca?

-Get in the shush position, please.

-I just can't hear you.

Dans le shush position.

-I don't understand you.

-In the shush position, please.

-I think I understand you.

-Oh, OK.

Thank you. Dan?

Le Mona Lisa.

Oh, yeah. My auntie.

-Auntie Lisa.

-Always moaning.

-Always going on.

-Always. What a moaner, Lisa.

"Can you not draw my body?"

-Matthew?

-The Louvre.

-The Louvre.

-The Louvre.

That's where you find the Mona Lisa. You find my Auntie Lisa in the loo.

-Your auntie in the loo, yeah.

-Yes, please. Lauren?

Frenchies, the dogs.

Little Frenchies. The French ones.

-Shush position, please.

-What?!

Shush position! Amara?

Students on a school trip.

Yes, please. Matthew?

Oh, frogs on crutches.

You have eaten my legs!

-My poor legs!

-Dan?

Snails with slings?

Oh, my arm hurts so much.

-They don't eat snails' arms!

-Do snails have arms?!

They eat frogs' legs, Daniel.

-Who here has seen a snail with arms?

-IAIN LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

I thought you were just saying an animal with some sort of ailment.

-Frogs' legs!

-It's not frogs' legs and snails' arms.

You obviously haven't been to France, then.

It's all about snails' arms.

I like the idea that Dan, his whole life,

thinks that snails haven't got arms, because the French ate them.

-That's the reason why.

-You learn. You learn on this show.

-Shush position. AMARA:

-Oh, no.

Amara?

-Ice cream.

-Oh...I mean, it's there.

You can't deny it.

It's there. Matthew.

People learning English as a second language.

You find that in Scotland!

Marlon?

French frogs.

Shush position, please.

That's Amara versus Crosby.

-Matthew.

-Croque monsieur.

Amara?

Desks.

You can find desks in France!

-It's true.

-I mean, they are there.

Can I say one thing, this will be a very long game if you go down

the route of, you can find everything in France.

Matthew?

-Croque madame.

-Amara?

-The beach.

-Matthew?

Calais.

-Amara?

-Houses.

I mean, you've got to run out of French things soon,

cos Amara's going to be here all day.

She's picked an absolute blinder here.

-Amara, you're going to rinse this.

-Thank you.

-Matthew?

Le Boulevard Saint-Germain.

-Amara?

-Roads.

-Oh!

-She's not wrong.

Oh, we've had roads already! We've had roads!

Matthew wins! And Luca gets a gold star!

BELL RINGS Oh, that is the bell.

And, at the end of that round, the gold star goes to Luca's team!

Time now for some general knowledge.

In a round with...

-HE MUTTERS AND GROWLS LOUDSPEAKER:

-Watch Your Mouth.

Yes, it's time for Watch Your Mouth.

Where our teams have to try and talk properly

while they've got one of these in their gob.

It is a Mr Smash growl maker.

Check it out.

So, teams, are we ready to Smash up?

Please insert into your mouth your Mr Smash growl maker.

Get them right in there.

-Oh, get it right in.

-Oh, mine fell out!

Matthew, how's that feeling?

-All right?

-Oh, it feels fantastic.

This is the best... SHE MUMBLES

What was that, Amara?

-MUMBLING:

-This is the best...toy...ever!

OK, whatever she said.

It's time now for some questions...

-LOUDSPEAKER:

-School Disco!

School Disco!

MUSIC: A Sky Full Of Stars by Coldplay

VINYL RECORD SCRATCHES, MUSIC STOPS

AMARA LAUGHS

OK, guys, general knowledge. Fingers on the buzzer.

First one to buzz in gets to answer

and then you've got three bonus questions for some more gold stars.

Question one. What character never grows up,

wears green and has adventures in Never...?

-LOUDSPEAKER:

-Amara.

-Yes, Amara's team.

-Heter Han.

-Sorry, who?

-Peter Pan.

-That's the man.

And for a bonus gold star,

give me three words that contain the word pan.

Frying pan.

Frying pan. Yes?

Hantomime.

Yeah, pantomime.

You sound like you're really far away with that on.

-Right, OK.

-Pandemonium!

Pandemonium's great.

Right, give you the points, gold star.

Next question. Fingers on buzzer.

What large, edible fruit has a green rind and a red, juicy flesh?

-LOUDSPEAKER:

-Amara.

-Yes, Amara?

Watermelon!

Yes, and for a bonus point, name three other juicy fruits.

-Melon.

-Melon.

-And an orange.

-Yeah.

And a lemon.

Well done. Smashed it. Another gold star.

-Well done, that was great.

-LAUREN:

-Come on, guys.

Question number three, finger on buzzers.

Adding washing-up liquid to water creates lots of...?

-LOUDSPEAKER:

-Luca.

-Yes, Luca's team?

-Huh-huls.

-What?

-Hubbles.

-What?

-Hubbles!

-Hubbles!

-What?

-Bubbles!

-Bubbles?

-Hubbles!

-OK. And, Lauren...

-Yeah?

For your bonus gold star, all I need you to do

is just blow these bubbles.

SHE LAUGHS Blow the bubbles.

-OK. Ready?

-Yeah.

-Ssshh.

LAUGHTER

Do it again!

Sshhh!

LAUGHTER

You can't do the lips together.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Unbelievable! Next question.

The abbreviation "www." stands for what?

-LOUDSPEAKER:

-Amara.

-Yes, Amara's team?

-World Wide Web.

-What he said.

And for a bonus gold star, three places you might find a web?

A tree.

A tree, yeah.

A corner.

-What?

-A corner of a room.

He sounds like the X Factor man.

-Oh, yeah.

-I do.

Say Rachel Adedeji.

Rachel Adedeji.

Bonus gold star there. Marlon.

The car. The car window.

-Yes, the wing mirror!

-The window of a car.

-Wing mirror!

Right, I'll give you a bonus gold star.

You have more than enough there.

Next question. What optical instrument helps you to see

into the distance and looks...?

-LOUDSPEAKER:

-Luca.

A telescope?

Oh. ..and looks like two small telescopes?

-Oh!

-Ahh!

-You've got to be kidding me! That's not fair.

-LOUDSPEAKER:

-Amara.

-Yeah?

-Dinocular.

-Huh?

-Dinocular.

-Dracula?

-Dracula?

-Binoculars.

-Dinocular!

OK, OK. Give me three other things that can help you see.

-Glasses.

-Yes, please.

-And contact lenses.

Yes, please.

X-ray vision.

You're suddenly from a superhero film?

X-ray vision!

Hi, I'm X-ray vision man.

Hi, I'm X-ray vision man. I can see everything.

There you go, points, gold star. Well done.

BELL RINGS Oh, guys, that is the buzzer,

which means, at the end of that round,

the gold star for the most correct answers goes to Amara's team!

-Yeah!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Guys, it's only time for the best round on panel show TV history.

It's time for Pie The Supply.

-LOUDSPEAKER:

-Pie The Supply.

Yes, Mr Smash has been baking.

Four people are quaking.

Three of them are faking.

And, if we're not very much mistaken,

well, the rest of it is there's some questions,

answers, someone gets splatted.

I couldn't make it all rhyme.

But we're going to go right in someone's face with a pie.

OK, let's meet our maths teachers.

Teacher number one, Mr McCall.

Teacher number two, Ms Stewart.

Teacher number three, Mr Rasmussen.

And teacher four, Miss Madigan.

One's a maths teacher, three are LIARS!

You're liars and we'll find you!

Luca, one of them's a maths teacher.

What one? Does any of them jump out at you?

Number one does, cos my maths teacher looks pretty much the same.

I thought you were going to go,

"Number one, cos he's my maths teacher."

Just pie him right in the face.

He's got a bit of a maths teacher look about him, doesn't he?

-Yes.

-Maths teacher, where his tie is as thin as his belt.

It's an unusual look.

How would you like your tie?

Like my belt, but vertical.

What about Amara's team? Anyone jump out at you?

-Maths teachers.

-Well, number one...

-Right.

-..he looks more presentable.

LAUGHTER

-Oh! LAUREN:

-Burn!

-Two, three, four, slam!

And number four is sort of slouching.

LAUGHTER

Teachers don't tend to slouch.

-MARLON:

-Posture.

-Amara's got a good point,

-because maths is all about angles, isn't it?

-Yes.

If you're, like, slouched over, you can't teach about angles.

-AMARA:

-Exactly.

-Whereas number one, so precise.

-LAUREN:

-Very perpendicular.

The tie to belt is a perfect right angle.

Yes!

It's x-axis and y-axis.

He's a walking graph!

Number one seems to be jumping out.

-Dan?

-Maths teachers are often very strict, aren't they?

So the obvious thing would be to go for number one.

-But I'm thinking number three.

-AMARA:

-Ehh.

He won't give me eye contact. Oh, he will. He will.

-LAUREN:

-Oh, dead in the eye.

-He looks like he could tell me off.

If you could tell me off in your teacher's voice for being late,

how would you do it?

Don't be late again. Why were you late today?

-ALL:

-Oh!

-I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

-LAUREN:

-Look at his eyes!

Number three came with a follow-up question.

-MARLON:

-Don't muck about with him.

-He's like a very angry lumberjack.

-That's it.

I think number three is like the dad from every American movie.

He is!

You're not going to the prom!

Listen, we've got to find out who these guys are.

But what do our audience think?

Do you think it's one, two, three or four?

Vote on the count of three. One, two, three. Audience, vote now!

SHOUTING

Right, decision time.

There was a lot of ones and some threes.

Now, Luca. It's time for you now to pie the supply.

-LOUDSPEAKER:

-Pie The Supply.

There we go.

That face. He's got an evil look in his eye.

-Amara?

-I'm ready!

-I...I know you are.

-I'm ready!

-Pie the supply, Amara.

I've been waiting for this my whole life.

-LOUDSPEAKER:

-Pie The Supply.

-Thank you very much.

OK, what a good girl.

Just saying, you all did your hair for nothing.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooooh....

AUDIENCE GASPS

-Oh! LAUREN:

-What?! Oh, my God!

Amara! Step away!

OK, let's find out who the real teacher is.

I hope it's number two. I really hope it's number two.

-Would the real... AMARA:

-Sorry!

Would the real teacher please step forward?

-LUCA:

-Please don't tell me it's...

CHEERING

-AMARA:

-Oh, no!

-LAUREN:

-No way!

Oh, which means at the end of that round, no-one gets a gold star,

but we did pie two people in the face!

Now, regular viewers will know that it's been a while

since I've demonstrated my acting skills.

But I cannot deprive you of my genius,

so back by popular demand,

it's the return of Who Do You Think I Am?!

Who Do You Think I Am?

This is where I act out a famous person and the teams

have to guess who I am,

so excuse me while I haul my massive talent

over to the prop box.

OK, here we go.

OK. Luca's team.

There we go. OK.

Argh!

Oh! I'm two brothers!

We were born in the United States of America!

I've not got my prop.

It'll make no sense without the prop.

-Is that a shield? It's two shields.

-No!

No, you've got to have a sword, not two shields. Oh! Oh!

-You're a bumblebee.

-Bumblebee! Bumblebee! You're a bumblebee.

-No!

-Bumblebee. The Brothers Bumblebee.

I'm not the Brothers Bumblebee!

We are widely credited with being the inventors

of modern controlled flight.

That is not modern, is it? Look at that.

Putting our bicycle engineering skills and funds into the venture,

we got it right and we properly flew in the air...

-Oh, I've got it! I've got it!

-..in 1903.

-Yes.

-You're Mark Wright from The Only Way Is Essex.

-No! He's my friend!

-Mark Wright is...

-He's my co-host...

-He's your friend.

-..on Dengineers.

-Well, there we go.

Lauren has got Mark Wright's phone number in her phone.

-Who wants to get him on later?

-Give him a call right now.

Shall we call Mark Wright from The Only Way Is Essex?

Wait...

AUDIENCE: Yes!

-MARK:

-Hello?

-AUDIENCE SHOUT HELLO

Ian Stirling is here off of the telly.

I'm from America!

I'm a brother, I flew a plane in 1903.

-Who am I?

-Can you help us, right? We've got this question, right?

Where we were asked about two brothers who, like,

invented aeroplanes or something back in, like, 1903.

His name's significant.

-Oh, his name's significant.

-It's the...

-Your name is significant.

-Huh?

-It's the Wright Brothers.

-The Wright brothers!

-Is correct!

-Yeah!

We love you, Mark Wright. Thank you! Bye!

That's right, I am a Wright brother,

widely credited with being the fathers

of modern controlled powered flight.

Gold star to Luca's team!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Right, Amara, your turn now.

OK, here we go.

Here we go. OK.

I am a woman...

..I was born in 1965.

-Sorry, what are you doing?

-Where are we...?

-Are you dancing?

I'm dancing.

When I was aged just six I wrote my first story

about a rabbit called...Rabbit!

Took me ages to come up with the name.

-Right.

-Who am I?

Are you a magician trying to pull a rabbit out of a hat,

but instead you turn into the rabbit?

I don't think that's a particularly well-known celebrity, that one.

-My books...

-Your books?

-Have been trans...

LAUGHTER Right.

-And you run a zoo?

-No!

My books have been translated into 67 languages, although parseltongue,

right, is not one of them yet.

Habajaca...speesh, comja.

Subtly sneak away.

Who am I?

-Iain?

-Amara.

Are you JK Rowling?

Amara, I regret to inform you that...

you've got yourself a gold star! That's correct!

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Whoo!

I am Joanne Kathleen Rowling!

The writer of the Harry Potter books.

Well done to Amara's team. Well done to Luca's team.

You both get yourself gold stars!

Come on, guys. We're late.

It's time for The School Run.

-LOUDSPEAKER:

-The School Run.

I was always late for school,

but then I didn't have six guests racing around on tricycles to help.

It's a relay race involving all team members and all they have to do is

drop these incredibly lifelike schoolkids...

..off at school.

So join me at the start line, let's go.

OK, first team to drop everyone off at school and get home first

is the winner. So, are you ready?

-Yes!

-Guys, in three, two, one, go!

KLAXON BLARES, CHEERING

-LAUREN:

-Go, go, go, go, go!

-AMARA:

-Come on! Marlon!

THEY CHEER THEM ON

THEY CONTINUE CHEERING THEM ON

CHEERING Oh, wait, wait, wait.

OK, OK, OK, OK, OK.

Change, change, change.

This one's ruined. Needs a tyre change!

Go, go, go!

THEY CHEER THEM ON

Get off, get off. Get off, get off, get off.

Go, go, go. Go, go, go, go, go!

THEY CHEER THEM ON

-Whoo!

-LAUREN:

-Yes! Go on, Luca!

-He is absolutely...

-Don't crash it.

-Quick!

-Go on, Lauren.

-LUCA:

-Go, go, go, go, go!

LAUREN SCREAMS

THEY CHEER THEM ON

Come on, come on!

-LAUREN:

-The child's in danger!

Dan's child's legs are hanging out the back.

THEY CHEER THEM ON

Come on! Come on!

CHEERING

The gold star goes to...

DAN LAUGHS

-Yes!

-KLAXON BLARES

It wasn't that close, but at the end of that round

the gold star goes to Luca's team.

Well, that's just about it.

All I need to do now is...

Sorry, but my chair's really uncomfortable.

I have something... I think I'm sitting on something.

LAUGHTER Oh, yeah. Sorry. Cactus.

Eurgh! No wonder. Right, time to find out the winner.

Let's add up the stars.

Whoo!

Oooh...

And the winners are...

Amara's team!

CHEERING

Well done, Amara's team.

You all get to lie in a vat of your own brain juice.

As for Luca's team,

sadly the dog will be eating your homework and you've got to spend

detention with Mr Smash.

It's time to take the walk of shame.

-# La-la-la-la-la...

-ALL:

-Losers!

-# La-la-la-la-la

-Losers!

-# La-la-la-la-la

-Losers!

-# La-la-la-la-la

-Losers!

-# La-la-la-la-la

-Losers!

# Losers. #

So that's your lot.

As ever, we didn't learn much, but do you know what?

It was fun trying.

See you next time on...

-AUDIENCE:

-The Dog Ate My Homework!

See ya!