The Lurgy The Dumping Ground


The Lurgy

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Jodi! Stop leaving your comics around the house,

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there's little ones here.

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-Little?

-She doesn't mean you.

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-But, Taz, truth hurts.

-What?

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Yeah, Finn's a massive scaredy-cat.

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Only real things, zombies aren't real.

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HE GRUMBLES

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HE MOANS

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The shop ran out of flu remedies.

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Could today get any worse?

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It's not flu, it's a cold.

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Oh, this can't be just a cold.

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I think I'm actually dying here.

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Oh, it's a cold. You're rubbish when you're ill.

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I ache all over.

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Hey, do my thumbs look OK?

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-They seem a bit weird.

-You stay away from me.

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If you're being useless, the last thing we need is me getting it.

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SHE SNEEZES

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SHE COUGHS

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So, do any of your books talk about zombies?

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Could be they real?

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Well, in nature, there are parasites transmitted through bite,

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including some that can cause significant behavioural change.

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So, yes...then?

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Well, it's not impossible.

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OK...

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What's this?

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That's easy, it's my bookmark.

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No, this.

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See?

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-It was hidden inside.

-What?

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It's been there the whole time.

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Maybe I was meant to find it.

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Maybe it says why my foster parents gave me back.

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HE SNEEZES

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Do you want one of these? They don't taste very nice,

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but they will distract you from the mind-numbing pain.

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No.

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You see, this is the difference.

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You wallow in self-pity.

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-Me, hey, I just get on with things.

-Give it!

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-BOTH:

-No running in the kitchen.

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No, no, no, this is early days for you.

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Wait till it properly kicks in and you got to deal with that lot.

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What, a few sniffles? Look,

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I am more than used to running this space by myself.

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What do you mean?

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When have you ever had to run this place by yourself?

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To be fair, there was that time.

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You were so far behind on paperwork,

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you barricaded yourself in the office.

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And if anyone made any noise...

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LIGHT CREAKING

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Argh...I can't concentrate with all this noise!

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That's OK, come on, into the living room, here we go.

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Or when those students moved in next to you and kept you up all night.

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HE SNORES

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Or when you stopped everything

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to watch some Irish stickball game playing on the telly.

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Go on, go on, go on, you'll win, you'll win, you did!

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Yes! Get in!

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That was the All Ireland final and Limerick hadn't won since 1973.

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-Still haven't.

-All I'm saying is,

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take all the self-pity time you need.

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I can cope with my...flu, no problem whatsoever.

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-OK then.

-OK then.

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OK...then.

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OK then...

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Chicken soup?

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Of course. Chicken soup.

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My foster mum used to make it for me when I was ill.

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She must've left this for me.

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That's it? A recipe?

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Yeah, it was like a poem.

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HE SNEEZES

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Mike was right, this cold sucks.

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So, if people are ill,

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should we see if it works?

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Right, "First, heat the stock, then the carrots, chop."

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Carrots. Yes, chef.

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No, Floss, you cannot stay in your room all day.

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Why? You, Mike, and Tyler have all got it.

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HE SNEEZES

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And me.

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See? It's obviously well catchy.

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And I can't afford to be ill when I've got cheerleading try-outs.

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Sasha and Ryan are rowing again,

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you might want to deal with that there.

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It's my turn! May, you need to help me.

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-My hair looks awful today.

-ALL SPEAK AT SAME TIME

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Quiet!

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Right, thank you for your concern, but I am fine.

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You two, Ryan can have the laptop

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for the first hour and Sasha the next.

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SHE STAMMERS Nope. Ah.

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Candi-Rose, go upstairs, and I will sort it in a minute.

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And Floss...

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..here. Disinfect wherever anybody with a cold has touched. OK?

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OK.

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ALL SHOUT AT SAME TIME

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SHE SNEEZES

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This is going to take ages.

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Billie's got it too.

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She's a, you know,

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-a zombie.

-Do you know what a zombie is?

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Yeah, people get this thing.

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It makes them shuffle around and groan.

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So, you didn't read much of Jodi's comic then, did you?

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It was a bit scary.

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Yeah, that's about right.

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And you change to a zombie if they touch you or you touch anything they

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touched. So, we have to fight the contagion together.

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-Are you with me?

-I'm with you.

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-Great.

-So, why don't you start in my room?

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I think Mike was in there quite a lot this morning.

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"And fry an onion or two."

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-Right, on it.

-"And carrots, garlic, celery and a chicken, unfeather-y."

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This is awesome.

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Yeah, it's like a hacking cough.

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My head feels like it's going to explode.

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No, no, May-Li is coping fine.

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What's that?

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Can you get it at a pharmacy?

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Hang on, let me, let me write that down.

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OK. Spell it for me.

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E-C-H, yeah, I-N-A-C-E-A.

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Echinacea.

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Wow, OK. Thanks, love.

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-Bye, Fiona, bye-bye.

-HE COUGHS

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I can't actually believe I'm getting to taste it again.

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So it's good?

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It's better than anything you've ever tasted.

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It's...perfect.

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OK then, what's next?

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And most important of all...

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Mike... Mike?

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He tore the recipe.

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He tore the last ingredient off.

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Mike!

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SHE COUGHS

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Are you still all right to take me to the gym?

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Oh, you look worse than Tyler.

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-And Tyler looks terrible.

-I heard that.

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I am fine. And, yes, I can take you to the gym, OK?

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-OK.

-OK.

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Right, now I know we haven't decorated your room yet,

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but are you absolutely certain that you don't like this colour?

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No?

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OK. So, perhaps, we go for something...

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SHE SNEEZES

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Oh, a little less Candi-Rose, yeah?

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Any sign?

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HE BLOWS NOSE Mike! You took my recipe.

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-We can't make the soup.

-What did you do with it?

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My ears are a bit bunged up, can we try that again?

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-You tore my recipe.

-The soup recipe, what did you do with it?

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Maybe one at a time, no?

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That piece of scrap paper from the kitchen, what have you done with it?

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I put it in recycling.

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Not that recycling.

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We're never going to be able to find it in there.

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This is going to be impossible.

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Maybe there's another way.

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"First, heat the stock. Then, the carrots chop.

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"And fry an onion or two."

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It's probably meant to rhyme with two.

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Unless they've used an irregular rhyming scheme.

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-You're reading a paper?

-No, look.

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It's a food article, about taste.

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"There are only five different types of taste.

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"Bitter, salty, sweet, sour, and umam..." What is that?

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Umami. What's umami?

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But think.

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If there's only five tastes, then

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we can figure out the missing ingredient.

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SNIFFLING

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-Are you OK?

-People really need to stop asking me that.

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Oh, no, I'm sorry.

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I didn't mean to snap. I am...

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SHE SNEEZES

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Oh, no, I'm fine, thank you.

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Right, you guys need to decide what colour you like best.

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-I told you I'm not doing the dishes.

-I'm not.

-It says on the rota.

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-PHONE RINGS

-I looked at the rota.

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You haven't even checked, I checked three times.

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-I'm going to have another look.

-No, I've already checked it.

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-I said I'm not doing the dishes.

-It says Ryan on the rota.

-No, Sasha.

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-Hello?

-May-Li...

-He can't get away with this.

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God! You're so annoying.

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-Ryan, what do you actually do around here?

-Nothing.

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All right, love, thanks for calling. Bye.

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-It's your turn.

-I am not doing your chores again.

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Go and check the rota. Hey... May-Li.

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Ugh.

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Has anyone seen my football boots?

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Do we have any more spray?

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-As a zombie.

-Upstairs really stinks of paint.

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You do realise I need my boots for tomorrow?

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THEY ALL TALK AT SAME TIME

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Right then, you decided on a colour yet?

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Ah...

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I'm fine...

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I'm fine...

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Watch out, infected.

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SQUIRT!

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You can stay away from me and all, the last thing I need is...

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SHE SNEEZES

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Brilliant!

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-Are you any closer?

-Shh!

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Are you absolutely sure that this was margarine?

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Yes. Look, batch nine was really nice.

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But it didn't taste...

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..comforting enough, it needed more...

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We're only up to M. And I've got a good feeling about nutmeg.

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What happened to her?

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She was supposed to be decorating our room.

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-May-Li?

-Yeah?

-You think maybe, you could take a break?

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She's not the only one.

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I was in bed and I heard this groaning.

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He was half asleep in the bushes outside.

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It's like the students all over again.

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I was looking for some echi, echi...

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-A plant.

-He's actually deranged.

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-I'm fine.

-No, no, you're not. None of us are.

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-No, you're really not.

-Right.

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That's it, I'm calling an intervention.

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I've called the relief worker.

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But I don't want you two spreading any more germs,

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so you're quarantined in here until they arrive.

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Oh, there's really no need.

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May-Li, how many fingers am I holding up?

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Stay still.

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That's a trick question. You're not holding up any fingers.

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Everyone out.

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What?

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Oh, look, I don't feel well, I'm going to go and have a lie down, OK?

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What? You can't give up now.

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I'm not giving up, I'm ill.

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But we're so close.

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Honestly, batch nine is fine.

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Wait, it's not ready.

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-I don't care.

-Just let me try again.

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I'm ill, I need the soup.

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It's not ready yet, it has to be perfect.

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Fine, then. Forget it.

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Oh, this is no good.

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I can't concentrate.

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HE COUGHS

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Oh, my head feels like a balloon about to pop.

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PHONE RINGS

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Hey, Fiona.

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No, I'm just about as bad, yeah.

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No. I tried, but I couldn't find it.

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Oh, could you?

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Oh, thanks, babes.

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HE COUGHS

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Yeah, I'll try and keep my chin up.

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OK.

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Bye.

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What?

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HE GROANS

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HE COUGHS AND BLOWS NOSE VERY LOUDLY

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Oh! Look at that.

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Why?

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Why would anybody want to look at that?

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Don't put it back up your sleeve.

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-TESTY:

-Yes, what is it?

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Uh, never mind.

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I always keep my tissues up my sleeve.

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Well, don't, it's gross.

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HE GROANS

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And what is with the groaning?

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-I get it, you're ill.

-Sorry.

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HE GROANS

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Decontaminate the zombie virus, there.

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Table.

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Well... How long do we have to do this for anyway?

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Until my try-outs tomorrow.

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They're well catchy, but zombie germs generally only last 24 hours.

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Get some crisps, will you?

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Uh-uh! Crisp cupboard door, you can never be too careful.

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A week's worth of washing up, or I tell him zombies aren't real.

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Oh, come on...

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-I can't be ill for the try-outs.

-And I don't want to do any washing up.

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Maybe I'll just tell Mike and May-Li that you're blackmailing me.

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Go for it. It's a fair few germs buzzing about the office though.

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-Fine.

-That'll be my washing up and all, or I'll sneeze on you.

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-What?

-Ugh...and me.

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Is it that hard to keep a secret in this place?

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Fine. But you've got to do something for me as well.

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It's got to be here somewhere.

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HE BLOWS VERY LOUDLY

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HE BLOWS VERY LOUDLY

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-SHE SCREAMS

-OK. That is it!

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I have had enough.

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You are utterly, utterly pathetic when you're ill.

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I was just blowing my nose.

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I mean, it is literally impossible to blow your nose

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without making some noise.

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No, I'm sorry, Mike,

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but the world cannot stop whenever you have a sniffle.

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-What about quarantine?

-I don't care.

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I am fine to work, so that's what I'm going to do.

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-SCREAMS:

-What?

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Uh...nothing.

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I actually think I quite like pink.

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Maybe you're right. It's not actually pink, is it?

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It's more...bubble gum.

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All right, don't worry, I am better.

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So, let's get to it, yeah?

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-We were actually...

-Were you thinking a nice blue?

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-Blue's good.

-OK.

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Let's go. Before she blows again.

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Right then, I've got three brushes if you guys want to help.

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OK then.

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Yep, definitely...

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Don't expect any sympathy from May-Li.

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She just bit my head off.

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She's been well weird today.

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I know, I went over to make her a cup of tea,

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but she just got scarier and scarier.

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Maybe Floss and Finn are right,

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maybe it really does turn you into a monster.

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You put a lot of work into all of this.

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Yup. I only have to stay healthy for another 16 hours.

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But believe me, it'll all be worth it

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when I'm piking my way to the nationals.

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I literally understood nothing of what you just said.

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I have to keep Finn believing in zombies just a little bit longer.

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-So what's in the bag?

-Props.

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Where is it?

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Joseph.

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-HE COUGHS

-I'm so sorry, Joseph.

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-I loved that soup.

-Yeah?

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I can't remember much from back then,

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but I can remember the taste of it.

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It was worth getting ill, so it could make you better again.

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And everyone is ill, so I want them to try some.

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Right. Shift over. Many hands and all that.

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Going in.

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HE SNEEZES

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-I'm sorry.

-Wait...

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What?

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Is that it?

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It was in my sleeve.

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Yeah. It was.

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HE COUGHS

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Oh, you're back.

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Look, I'm sorry about all of the moaning.

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I know I can be a bit pathetic when I'm ill.

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No, well, yeah.

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But you don't need to apologise.

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-I do.

-Really?

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Yeah, it's OK to be pathetic when you're ill.

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-You're not.

-Well, that's true.

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But that doesn't mean that I don't, you know, sometimes need help.

0:24:130:24:17

I really do.

0:24:170:24:20

Like now for instance.

0:24:200:24:22

Because I feel dreadful.

0:24:230:24:25

Hot lemon?

0:24:270:24:29

Yes, please.

0:24:290:24:30

I found it. The missing bit.

0:24:350:24:38

This one's just like my foster mum's.

0:24:380:24:40

It's nice, but, I've got to say it tastes an awful lot like batch nine.

0:24:480:24:51

What was that last line?

0:24:530:24:54

That's it, "Serve in a mug?"

0:24:570:24:59

Wait a minute, it's folded over.

0:24:590:25:00

I remember now.

0:25:050:25:07

My foster mum gave me hugs with it.

0:25:070:25:09

I didn't get many.

0:25:100:25:11

So, it felt amazing.

0:25:130:25:15

So, it was the hug and not the soup?

0:25:150:25:18

Come on, then.

0:25:210:25:23

There you are.

0:25:310:25:33

Floss, I'm starting to think you might got this zombie thing wrong.

0:25:330:25:38

-Zombie horde, mass outbreak.

-What?

0:25:380:25:43

Dee should be here in any minute.

0:25:430:25:45

Oh, you know what?

0:25:460:25:48

I can't wait to have a hot bath.

0:25:480:25:51

I suppose you should check they aren't around

0:25:510:25:54

-killing each other first.

-Yeah.

0:25:540:25:55

-Hello?

-Hello?

0:25:590:26:03

It's really bad, we're going to need a lot of spray.

0:26:070:26:11

THEY GROAN

0:26:170:26:21

I say we barricade ourselves in.

0:26:240:26:26

And cleanse the whole area, what do you think? Finn?

0:26:260:26:30

No...

0:26:340:26:36

What on earth is going on?

0:26:380:26:40

May-Li. Dee's here, she said you two could head off home.

0:26:420:26:45

You know what? Sounds like a plan.

0:26:480:26:52

-Bye.

-Yeah, I'm with you.

0:26:520:26:55

-Good luck.

-See you, wouldn't want to be you.

0:26:550:26:58

SHE SNEEZES

0:27:030:27:05

Great, just great.

0:27:050:27:08

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