The Lurgy The Dumping Ground

Jodi! Stop leaving your comics around the house,

there's little ones here.

-Little?

-She doesn't mean you.

-But, Taz, truth hurts.

-What?

Yeah, Finn's a massive scaredy-cat.

Only real things, zombies aren't real.

HE GRUMBLES

HE MOANS

The shop ran out of flu remedies.

Could today get any worse?

It's not flu, it's a cold.

Oh, this can't be just a cold.

I think I'm actually dying here.

Oh, it's a cold. You're rubbish when you're ill.

I ache all over.

Hey, do my thumbs look OK?

-They seem a bit weird.

-You stay away from me.

If you're being useless, the last thing we need is me getting it.

SHE SNEEZES

SHE COUGHS

So, do any of your books talk about zombies?

Could be they real?

Well, in nature, there are parasites transmitted through bite,

including some that can cause significant behavioural change.

So, yes...then?

Well, it's not impossible.

OK...

What's this?

That's easy, it's my bookmark.

No, this.

See?

-It was hidden inside.

-What?

It's been there the whole time.

Maybe I was meant to find it.

Maybe it says why my foster parents gave me back.

HE SNEEZES

Do you want one of these? They don't taste very nice,

but they will distract you from the mind-numbing pain.

No.

You see, this is the difference.

You wallow in self-pity.

-Me, hey, I just get on with things.

-Give it!

-BOTH:

-No running in the kitchen.

No, no, no, this is early days for you.

Wait till it properly kicks in and you got to deal with that lot.

What, a few sniffles? Look,

I am more than used to running this space by myself.

What do you mean?

When have you ever had to run this place by yourself?

To be fair, there was that time.

You were so far behind on paperwork,

you barricaded yourself in the office.

And if anyone made any noise...

LIGHT CREAKING

Argh...I can't concentrate with all this noise!

That's OK, come on, into the living room, here we go.

Or when those students moved in next to you and kept you up all night.

HE SNORES

Or when you stopped everything

to watch some Irish stickball game playing on the telly.

Go on, go on, go on, you'll win, you'll win, you did!

Yes! Get in!

That was the All Ireland final and Limerick hadn't won since 1973.

-Still haven't.

-All I'm saying is,

take all the self-pity time you need.

I can cope with my...flu, no problem whatsoever.

-OK then.

-OK then.

OK...then.

OK then...

Chicken soup?

Of course. Chicken soup.

My foster mum used to make it for me when I was ill.

She must've left this for me.

That's it? A recipe?

Yeah, it was like a poem.

HE SNEEZES

Mike was right, this cold sucks.

So, if people are ill,

should we see if it works?

Right, "First, heat the stock, then the carrots, chop."

Carrots. Yes, chef.

No, Floss, you cannot stay in your room all day.

Why? You, Mike, and Tyler have all got it.

HE SNEEZES

And me.

See? It's obviously well catchy.

And I can't afford to be ill when I've got cheerleading try-outs.

Sasha and Ryan are rowing again,

you might want to deal with that there.

It's my turn! May, you need to help me.

-My hair looks awful today.

-ALL SPEAK AT SAME TIME

Quiet!

Right, thank you for your concern, but I am fine.

You two, Ryan can have the laptop

for the first hour and Sasha the next.

SHE STAMMERS Nope. Ah.

Candi-Rose, go upstairs, and I will sort it in a minute.

And Floss...

..here. Disinfect wherever anybody with a cold has touched. OK?

OK.

ALL SHOUT AT SAME TIME

SHE SNEEZES

This is going to take ages.

Billie's got it too.

She's a, you know,

-a zombie.

-Do you know what a zombie is?

Yeah, people get this thing.

It makes them shuffle around and groan.

So, you didn't read much of Jodi's comic then, did you?

It was a bit scary.

Yeah, that's about right.

And you change to a zombie if they touch you or you touch anything they

touched. So, we have to fight the contagion together.

-Are you with me?

-I'm with you.

-Great.

-So, why don't you start in my room?

I think Mike was in there quite a lot this morning.

"And fry an onion or two."

-Right, on it.

-"And carrots, garlic, celery and a chicken, unfeather-y."

This is awesome.

Yeah, it's like a hacking cough.

My head feels like it's going to explode.

No, no, May-Li is coping fine.

What's that?

Can you get it at a pharmacy?

Hang on, let me, let me write that down.

OK. Spell it for me.

E-C-H, yeah, I-N-A-C-E-A.

Echinacea.

Wow, OK. Thanks, love.

-Bye, Fiona, bye-bye.

-HE COUGHS

I can't actually believe I'm getting to taste it again.

So it's good?

It's better than anything you've ever tasted.

It's...perfect.

OK then, what's next?

And most important of all...

Mike... Mike?

He tore the recipe.

He tore the last ingredient off.

Mike!

SHE COUGHS

Are you still all right to take me to the gym?

Oh, you look worse than Tyler.

-And Tyler looks terrible.

-I heard that.

I am fine. And, yes, I can take you to the gym, OK?

-OK.

-OK.

Right, now I know we haven't decorated your room yet,

but are you absolutely certain that you don't like this colour?

No?

OK. So, perhaps, we go for something...

SHE SNEEZES

Oh, a little less Candi-Rose, yeah?

Any sign?

HE BLOWS NOSE Mike! You took my recipe.

-We can't make the soup.

-What did you do with it?

My ears are a bit bunged up, can we try that again?

-You tore my recipe.

-The soup recipe, what did you do with it?

Maybe one at a time, no?

That piece of scrap paper from the kitchen, what have you done with it?

I put it in recycling.

Not that recycling.

We're never going to be able to find it in there.

This is going to be impossible.

Maybe there's another way.

"First, heat the stock. Then, the carrots chop.

"And fry an onion or two."

It's probably meant to rhyme with two.

Unless they've used an irregular rhyming scheme.

-You're reading a paper?

-No, look.

It's a food article, about taste.

"There are only five different types of taste.

"Bitter, salty, sweet, sour, and umam..." What is that?

Umami. What's umami?

But think.

If there's only five tastes, then

we can figure out the missing ingredient.

SNIFFLING

-Are you OK?

-People really need to stop asking me that.

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to snap. I am...

SHE SNEEZES

Oh, no, I'm fine, thank you.

Right, you guys need to decide what colour you like best.

-I told you I'm not doing the dishes.

-I'm not.

-It says on the rota.

-PHONE RINGS

-I looked at the rota.

You haven't even checked, I checked three times.

-I'm going to have another look.

-No, I've already checked it.

-I said I'm not doing the dishes.

-It says Ryan on the rota.

-No, Sasha.

-Hello?

-May-Li...

-He can't get away with this.

God! You're so annoying.

-Ryan, what do you actually do around here?

-Nothing.

All right, love, thanks for calling. Bye.

-It's your turn.

-I am not doing your chores again.

Go and check the rota. Hey... May-Li.

Ugh.

Has anyone seen my football boots?

Do we have any more spray?

-As a zombie.

-Upstairs really stinks of paint.

You do realise I need my boots for tomorrow?

THEY ALL TALK AT SAME TIME

Right then, you decided on a colour yet?

Ah...

I'm fine...

I'm fine...

Watch out, infected.

SQUIRT!

You can stay away from me and all, the last thing I need is...

SHE SNEEZES

Brilliant!

-Are you any closer?

-Shh!

Are you absolutely sure that this was margarine?

Yes. Look, batch nine was really nice.

But it didn't taste...

..comforting enough, it needed more...

We're only up to M. And I've got a good feeling about nutmeg.

What happened to her?

She was supposed to be decorating our room.

-May-Li?

-Yeah?

-You think maybe, you could take a break?

She's not the only one.

I was in bed and I heard this groaning.

He was half asleep in the bushes outside.

It's like the students all over again.

I was looking for some echi, echi...

-A plant.

-He's actually deranged.

-I'm fine.

-No, no, you're not. None of us are.

-No, you're really not.

-Right.

That's it, I'm calling an intervention.

I've called the relief worker.

But I don't want you two spreading any more germs,

so you're quarantined in here until they arrive.

Oh, there's really no need.

May-Li, how many fingers am I holding up?

Stay still.

That's a trick question. You're not holding up any fingers.

Everyone out.

What?

Oh, look, I don't feel well, I'm going to go and have a lie down, OK?

What? You can't give up now.

I'm not giving up, I'm ill.

But we're so close.

Honestly, batch nine is fine.

Wait, it's not ready.

-I don't care.

-Just let me try again.

I'm ill, I need the soup.

It's not ready yet, it has to be perfect.

Fine, then. Forget it.

Oh, this is no good.

I can't concentrate.

HE COUGHS

Oh, my head feels like a balloon about to pop.

PHONE RINGS

Hey, Fiona.

No, I'm just about as bad, yeah.

No. I tried, but I couldn't find it.

Oh, could you?

Oh, thanks, babes.

HE COUGHS

Yeah, I'll try and keep my chin up.

OK.

Bye.

What?

HE GROANS

HE COUGHS AND BLOWS NOSE VERY LOUDLY

Oh! Look at that.

Why?

Why would anybody want to look at that?

Don't put it back up your sleeve.

-TESTY:

-Yes, what is it?

Uh, never mind.

I always keep my tissues up my sleeve.

Well, don't, it's gross.

HE GROANS

And what is with the groaning?

-I get it, you're ill.

-Sorry.

HE GROANS

Decontaminate the zombie virus, there.

Table.

Well... How long do we have to do this for anyway?

Until my try-outs tomorrow.

They're well catchy, but zombie germs generally only last 24 hours.

Get some crisps, will you?

Uh-uh! Crisp cupboard door, you can never be too careful.

A week's worth of washing up, or I tell him zombies aren't real.

Oh, come on...

-I can't be ill for the try-outs.

-And I don't want to do any washing up.

Maybe I'll just tell Mike and May-Li that you're blackmailing me.

Go for it. It's a fair few germs buzzing about the office though.

-Fine.

-That'll be my washing up and all, or I'll sneeze on you.

-What?

-Ugh...and me.

Is it that hard to keep a secret in this place?

Fine. But you've got to do something for me as well.

It's got to be here somewhere.

HE BLOWS VERY LOUDLY

HE BLOWS VERY LOUDLY

-SHE SCREAMS

-OK. That is it!

I have had enough.

You are utterly, utterly pathetic when you're ill.

I was just blowing my nose.

I mean, it is literally impossible to blow your nose

without making some noise.

No, I'm sorry, Mike,

but the world cannot stop whenever you have a sniffle.

-What about quarantine?

-I don't care.

I am fine to work, so that's what I'm going to do.

-SCREAMS:

-What?

Uh...nothing.

I actually think I quite like pink.

Maybe you're right. It's not actually pink, is it?

It's more...bubble gum.

All right, don't worry, I am better.

So, let's get to it, yeah?

-We were actually...

-Were you thinking a nice blue?

-Blue's good.

-OK.

Let's go. Before she blows again.

Right then, I've got three brushes if you guys want to help.

OK then.

Yep, definitely...

Don't expect any sympathy from May-Li.

She just bit my head off.

She's been well weird today.

I know, I went over to make her a cup of tea,

but she just got scarier and scarier.

Maybe Floss and Finn are right,

maybe it really does turn you into a monster.

You put a lot of work into all of this.

Yup. I only have to stay healthy for another 16 hours.

But believe me, it'll all be worth it

when I'm piking my way to the nationals.

I literally understood nothing of what you just said.

I have to keep Finn believing in zombies just a little bit longer.

-So what's in the bag?

-Props.

Where is it?

Joseph.

-HE COUGHS

-I'm so sorry, Joseph.

-I loved that soup.

-Yeah?

I can't remember much from back then,

but I can remember the taste of it.

It was worth getting ill, so it could make you better again.

And everyone is ill, so I want them to try some.

Right. Shift over. Many hands and all that.

Going in.

HE SNEEZES

-I'm sorry.

-Wait...

What?

Is that it?

It was in my sleeve.

Yeah. It was.

HE COUGHS

Oh, you're back.

Look, I'm sorry about all of the moaning.

I know I can be a bit pathetic when I'm ill.

No, well, yeah.

But you don't need to apologise.

-I do.

-Really?

Yeah, it's OK to be pathetic when you're ill.

-You're not.

-Well, that's true.

But that doesn't mean that I don't, you know, sometimes need help.

I really do.

Like now for instance.

Because I feel dreadful.

Hot lemon?

Yes, please.

I found it. The missing bit.

This one's just like my foster mum's.

It's nice, but, I've got to say it tastes an awful lot like batch nine.

What was that last line?

That's it, "Serve in a mug?"

Wait a minute, it's folded over.

I remember now.

My foster mum gave me hugs with it.

I didn't get many.

So, it felt amazing.

So, it was the hug and not the soup?

Come on, then.

There you are.

Floss, I'm starting to think you might got this zombie thing wrong.

-Zombie horde, mass outbreak.

-What?

Dee should be here in any minute.

Oh, you know what?

I can't wait to have a hot bath.

I suppose you should check they aren't around

-killing each other first.

-Yeah.

-Hello?

-Hello?

It's really bad, we're going to need a lot of spray.

THEY GROAN

I say we barricade ourselves in.

And cleanse the whole area, what do you think? Finn?

No...

What on earth is going on?

May-Li. Dee's here, she said you two could head off home.

You know what? Sounds like a plan.

-Bye.

-Yeah, I'm with you.

-Good luck.

-See you, wouldn't want to be you.

SHE SNEEZES

Great, just great.