Episode 3 The Johnny & Inel Show

-RAPS:

-My alarm wakes me up I'm ready to rise

I splash some water on my face to get the sleep out my eyes

The sun's out shining I better stop rhyming

As Mum's always telling me "Fix up your timing!"

Now we've got a show on CBBC

So all of my fans will be out to see me

The time is here

Now sit back, relax and get ready to cheer.

-BOTH:

-We're doing well as you can tell

-So here comes the show with Johnny.

-And Inel.

But what about your big ears and your big nose,

and your MASSIVE teeth?

Don't you get cheeky with me, little girl! Oh!

# I'm feeling ten feet tall

# Unstoppable

# I'm the champion, champion champion, champion

# Why you coming back for more...? #

-Can you help me with the shopping?

->

-Pause it. Pause it!

Mum, can you just leave me alone?!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Hello and welcome to The Johnny & Inel Show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, to be fair,

it should just actually be The Johnny Show cos Inel's late.

So, what I'm going to do is crack on with the Greet Of The Week!

Er, right, so...er...

It, kind of, goes like this...

Then you, kind of, do that...

And...yeah, it's brilliant, innit? This one's really good, yeah...

Woo, sorry, guys! I'm a bit late, sorry about that. Sorry, sorry!

What time do you call this, Inel?!

Ha-ha-ha! Yeah, I know, sorry, I was a bit late.

Nightmare journey getting here.

That's not good enough, Inel! You need to be more professional!

Do you have any idea how ridiculous I looked

-doing the Greet Of The Week?

-Ha-ha-ha!

Yeah, I bet you did look ridiculous, but that's not my fault.

You should be lucky that I'm so fast,

otherwise I would have been much later than this. Oh, yeah.

-Ha-ha-ha! You, fast?!

-Yeah.

Oh, come on, I've seen old-age pensioners run faster than you.

Oh, yeah? You're just jealous because I used to win all the gold medals -

back at sports day.

That is not how I remember it.

If I remember rightly,

I was the one who won all the medals at sports day

and the people used to run up and go,

"Oh, Johnny, you're so amazing, you're so great, you're wicked!"

Please! That's not how I remember it.

I remember you running the race, all right,

but then you used to fall over, start crying

and people would come up to you,

"Johnny, don't cry. Oh, do you want a plaster?"

That is not how I remember it, actually.

It was just raining that day. I had rain in my eye. From...

It don't matter, anyway, OK? That sounds like a challenge to me.

I bet you that I have more medals in my underwear drawer

than you've won in your whole life!

Oh, yeah?

Well, I bet that I've got more gold medals than you have strands of hair!

Anyway, I'm going to show you what a REAL champion looks like, Inel.

Oh, please, I already know what a real champion looks like.

I saw him this morning, in the mirror.

Ow! Burnt!

B...U...R...N...T - burnt!

Oh, please, Inel!

Do you know what, back at sports day I used to win so many races

that I used to think "champion" was my middle name!

Oh, get that dust off your shoulder! Get that dust off...

Oh, how rude of me! Eat up, Inel!

-I know how much you like to eat my dust!

-Whatever.

Get that dirt off my shoulder! Cut to a sketch!

Dirt off my shoulder! Cut to a sketch!

Once upon a time, a kid got dumped in the trash...

That kid discovered he had powers -

powers of the waste!

The thrilling adventures of Wasteman!

Help! Help!

Oh, look, is that a bird?

Is it a plane?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's a plane, mate.

-Anyway, what's going on here?

-Who are you?

Oh, didn't do my proper introduction, did I?

Never fear, for Wasteman's here!

Wasteman?!

HE LAUGHS

All right! Joke's over!

You were crying a minute ago. I weren't laughing at YOU, was I?

-Anyway, what's the problem?

-Oh, can you help? My cat's stuck up a tree.

Oh, I think you might be in luck, little girl.

He says he's Wasteman. I think he's some sort of superhero.

I bet he's got special powers to help get your cat back!

Well, yeah, I kind of have, but don't tell everyone about it

-because it's kind of a secret.

-Oh.

Oh, why don't you just fly on up and get the cat back?

Well...

The thing is, my flying powers keep cutting out.

But I've got other powers so I WILL get that cat down.

Like, I'm wicked at climbing - I stick to things, like chewing gum!

Oh, go on, then. Why don't you... why don't you get it back?

-Well, I will.

-Right.

Bit of a big tree, isn't it?

100 years old, at least.

-No, but I'm going to get that cat back, don't worry about it.

-Right.

That cat is coming down. Just going to need a run up.

Rargh!

Can't get any purchase on this! I'm slipping! Right, now, you come here.

-Oh, oh, you almost had him!

-He's taking a swing at me! Ah! Ah!

I've got him! I've got him!

Argh! Oh, oh.

My cat! Get off!

You nearly killed him!

Nearly killed him?!

He nearly killed ME! He's a vicious little so-and-so!

That is ungrateful.

You better get out of here, in case she calls the RSPCA.

Yeah, you're right.

May the waste be with you!

My name is Shotcaller007! Well, at least, that's my gamer tag.

And I'm MadJimbo28. Some of you might recognise me

for being voted Gamer of the Year

four years in a row, in Milton Keynes.

And welcome to an episode of...

-BOTH:

-Super Game Reviewers!

-That's right.

All right, throughout this games review

I will only be referred to as Shotcaller007...

as I don't want to release my Government name

cos there are people out there looking for me.

'Nigel, can you come here, please?

'Nigel, can you hear me?!'

Mum, leave me alone!

I'm trying to do a games review up here and you're spoiling it!

Anyway, in cyber circles,

I am most commonly known for my work on FPSs. I got up to Prestige Nine.

Actually, there is no Prestige Level Nine.

-There is Prestige Level Nine.

-There isn't.

-But I done it last time.

-No, you're talking about...

Prestige Eight.

Anyway, because we are such good gamers

we thought we'd put on a games review for you guys at home.

Yeah, I mean, I love gaming. That's why I game, like, 24 hours a day.

I game, like, 25 hours a day.

Erm, you can't game 25 hours a day.

-You can because I done it yesterday.

-You can't because there's only...

And this week we're going to be reviewing

the latest in the successful franchise Productive Teenager II.

Right, now, the objective of this level

is to help Mum carry the shopping.

-OK, left and then right.

-I know.

-Right, left.

-I can see!

-Right, left.

-I can...

-Well, do it, then!

-I'm doing it!

Just calm down, you're panicking!

-I'm...

-I'll turn the camera off.

I'm fine. No, I've got this.

Left, right. A, B. There you go.

Oh, yeah.

-'Nigel, can you help me with the shopping?'

-Pause it. Pause it!

Mum, can you just leave me alone?!

I'm trying to complete a level up here

or my computer mum will get angry at me and we'll lose points!

She just doesn't get it!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome back to The Johnny & Inel show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hold up, hold up.

Sorry about that, mate.

Yeah, I had to get these on, didn't I, eh?

I actually had to get help cos there was so many of them.

Thanks, costume department.

So, what do you think of these babies?

Oh, please, have you not seen these? Bam!

Er, hello? Bosh!

Doosh!

Dosh!

-What have you got? What have you got after this?

-Are you ready?

Are you ready?

# Sha-ba-la-ba-la-a-a-a! #

All right, that's it. Back it up, please. Fred, back it up, mate.

Keep it coming. You've got plenty of room. Plenty of room.

Coming through, watch yourself. Coming through.

-Bang.

-Hold on, hold on. Let me have a look at this.

Ha! Look at this.

Medal for doing the washing up? Please!

Doing your homework?! You're SUPPOSED to do your homework!

Oh, yeah?

Well, this one - "litter picking". This one - "remembering your PE kit"!

Look at this one, look at this one. This one's made out of chocolate!

Let's face it, these aren't the best medals in the world, are they?

Yeah, you're right. I mean, amazing sportsmen like us,

we should have made more of sports day.

Tell me about it. This is a pretty poor showing.

-Actually, Inel, I've got my own show.

-Er, we've got our own show.

That's what I said - we've got our own show.

We should be able to go out

and get a platform to show what amazing sportsmen we are.

Yes, but we already missed the Olympics, that's been and gone.

Let's have our own Olympics.

-Johnny!

-Johnny!

-Johnny!

There we go, that's you done. There you go, mate. And that one for you.

It's what makes it all worth it.

Johnny time.

Here you go, mate. Keep it.

Here we are.

Liam Piam here for your on-track commentary,

ready to bring you a great and thrilling race. And we're off.

Brilliant start there by all four contenders.

Johnny Cochrane in first place, followed by Timmy in the inside lane,

Toby in third and Ryan on the outside.

Excellent start by all contenders on this epic, epic race.

But wait, it looks like Timmy is taking a tumble.

Oh, no! He's going to regret that.

Four years of training gone down the drain.

He's going to be unhappy about that.

Johnny still in first place, great start on the bend, there.

Oh, it looks like Toby is taking a fall on some on-track debris.

Clean up on the track. Clean up!

There we go - but wait,

Ryan has taken it into first place on the last 100 metres.

Ryan's in front of Johnny Cochrane!

Will Johnny catch up? But wait!

Ryan has taken a tumble and it looks like Johnny is going for gold.

He's going to break the world record. He's done it!

Johnny Cochrane, first place, gold medal.

Hi. Our top story today.

Host Johnny Cochrane smashes the Popplewell School's 100 metres

-sports-day record.

-Yes, Johnny beat the record by a whopping 20 seconds.

Liam Piam has managed to grab an exclusive interview. Liam.

Thank you, Boris and Norris. Today, I'm joined by Johnny Cochrane,

-who has just broken...

-Literally obliterated...

Literally obliterated the 200 metre world record. Johnny. Johnny!

How does it feel?

How does it feel to not only be a gold medallist,

but a world-record holder as well?

It feels great. I mean, I'd like to thank my mum.

You've been brilliant, hi, Mum. Seriously, have a look at that time.

Have a look at that time. It's amazing.

Usain Bolt would struggle to match that time.

Johnny Cochrane has thrown down the gauntlet. Will Usain respond?

Only time will tell. Back to you guys in the studio.

Liam Piam there with an exclusive interview.

That's all the news for today.

Tune in next time, with me, Boris Horace.

And me...

-Norris Cloris.

-Ta-ta.

THEME MUSIC STARTS

THEME MUSIC STOPS, THEY MUTTER

Welcome back to The Johnny & Inel Show!

It's the Johnny...

AUDIENCE BOOS

..And Inel Show!

CHEERING

-Thank you, thank you. Thanks.

-I've got it.

So you guys don't like me, but you like him.

If you hadn't turned up late, then I wouldn't have had to go out

on that running track and annihilate those kids.

Don't go blaming me. I remember you saying,

"Let's go beat some kids," you said.

"It's the only way they'll learn," you said.

-HE GIGGLES NERVOUSLY

-Like I'd say that.

-You did.

But, actually, if I remember rightly,

I wasn't the only one out there winning golds on that track.

I wonder if these guys will like you so much

when they take a look at this.

Oh, here he comes. Here's the class athlete. How you feeling?

Looking good. Looking professional. Showing them how it's done.

-Showing them.

-Just got to try and...

That's it. Got this. Got this.

-Yeah, you made that look good.

-Woo!

-Ooh.

-Oooh.

There's the one I've got to beat.

Class Champ 2012. This is a classic Ennis run-up.

It isn't about her. You can do this.

Yeah, she's awesome - it doesn't matter. You're better.

-You've got this, OK?

-I've got this.

R-r-r-ra-a-a-ar!

# And it's like flying without wings

# Cos you're my special thing

# I'm flying without wings. #

Yes!

Hi, Liam Piam here, and I'm joined by Samantha,

who just got pipped to second place by Inel.

Samantha, how do you feel?

How do you feel to come in second place?

Well, I went out there and I did my best,

and I'm disappointed that I did not win it. I worked really hard.

-I know at least my mum is proud of me.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Inel, Inel! What can I say, what can I say?

In all my years of sporting events, I have never,

never seen a jump like that.

-How did you do it?

-Well, Liam - can I call you Liam?

-You can.

Liam, well, basically, I wasn't even jumping. I was flying. You know?

-It was the way I hit the plate.

-Mm-hm.

-Doosh! You know?

I sailed through the air. Like, "sh-h-h-h-h."

You know? Then I landed in the sand.

Like, doosh-ah-ha!

-Perfect.

-Thank you. Cheers. Back to the studio, Boris and Norris.

Welcome back to The Johnny & Inel Show!

AUDIENCE BOOS

-I got my medals.

-Looks like they don't like you as well, now.

Please, I deserved these medals. Earned them. Long-jump champion!

-You better recognise!

-Yeah, but you know what the problem is?

I think these guys don't realise what it takes to be a winner.

And for that reason, I think we need to start

hanging around with more people that are natural winners.

Guys, welcome to The Johnny & Inel Show

London 2012 Olympic gold medallists

Katherine Grainger and Anna Watkins!

CHEERING

The rowing gold medallists, eh? Look at that!

So, that's you there, collecting your gold medal at the Olympics.

Impressive. I mean, just explain to everyone at home what it feels like

when you win that gold medal. We know, of course.

I mean, it's hard for us to top what you guys have achieved,

obviously, but for us, we raced in front of 30,000 people

screaming and shouting with British flags. The most amazing moment.

All our hard work paid off and we got to win

in front of all our friends and family and celebrate with them all.

-We know that feeling.

-Yeah, you been there?

It must take a lot of training to be world class, like you girls.

We have to train every day and we get up really early

and go rowing, and also we lift weights

and go on the rowing machine, so there's no shortcuts.

We have to do it every single day.

So, at what stage in your lives did you start to work out that rowing

is what you wanted to do?

We both started quite late, actually.

We were at school, we did loads of different sports, tried lots

of different things, and we didn't start until we were at university.

-Loads of time yet!

-Have you brought your medals with you?

We might have. We don't want to put yours to shame.

-Ours are a little bit bigger.

-Shall we have a look?

-Oh, please.

-This is it.

-Look at that!

AUDIENCE: Wow.

-CHILD: I've seen them in the paper.

-You've seen them in the paper?

-You want to see them in real life?

-CHILD:

-Can I feel it?

-Do you want to see ours?

-Can I?

-Yeah.

-Ooh.

-Pretty good.

It's pretty good.

-It's the new breed of medal.

-Ours doesn't say "winner" on it, though.

-Yours is quite good with that.

-Do you know what?

After seeing your Olympic success,

I think it's time to show you how good athletes we are.

-Oh, I've been looking forward to this.

-Take a look at this.

-Starts with a bang.

-Yes.

Bosh! Winning.

# I believe I can fly. #

Ohh. Unfortunate.

-Not his day.

-No.

On the brakes.

Out the way. Shouldn't be running near me.

-Boys...

-Speechless!

-What did you think?

-Disappointed, really.

-Pushing people down on the track?

-Nothing to do with me. Took a fall.

You've got to play fair, otherwise those medals don't belong to you.

You've got to do it properly and work hard every day,

then you can be proud of your medals.

Yeah, you can't wear those medals with pride, guys.

-You didn't earn them.

-I think you'll find I can!

Thank you very much for coming on this show.

Guys, can we please give it up for our guests?

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you very much.

-Let's give them another sketch, shall we?

-Yeah.

Girls, you love your best friend, and you want the whole world to know

that you're best friends for life, right?

But it never gets to be made official, does it?

Who's going to believe that you're best friends for ever? We can help.

By applying for one of our exclusive Best Friends For Ever certificates,

we can get you the permanent recognition

that your friendship deserves.

The BFF certificate will protect your friendship for ever. Call today.

On today's Johnny Kyle's Show, we have Red Riding Hood.

Red doesn't recognise her grandma any more, so she wants her

to take a DNA test to prove once and for all she is a real grandmother.

Guys, a big round of applause for Red Riding Hood!

APPLAUSE

Welcome to the show, Red.

So, you've told our researchers that your grandmother has been

acting rather strangely, baring her teeth while watching EastEnders,

regurgitating food and expecting YOU to eat it up...

and peeing in the corner of the room

-whilst standing on her hind legs?

-Yes, Johnny.

I really miss the old grandma. She used to cook a lovely Sunday roast.

Now, she doesn't even cook. She eats everything raw, just like an animal.

Well, don't worry, Red.

Here on The Johnny Kyle's Show, we'll clear everything up.

A DNA test will prove once and for all

whether this is in fact your real grandma.

Let's get her on the show first, shall we?

A big round of applause for the grandmother!

APPLAUSE

All right, our Kyle?

Red.

So, your granddaughter here has said you've been acting very strangely,

and she doesn't believe that you're her real grandmother.

It's a misunderstanding. Let me clear this up, Kyle.

What it is, right, basically, I didn't want to worry her.

I've got this rare skin condition called furryitis.

Don't tell me, tell her.

-Basically, it just means I grow fur.

-Well, you're lying.

Do you know what I think? I think you're a wolf in disguise.

-AUDIENCE GASPS

-How could you say that?

I've been looking after her since she was this high.

What about your big ears and your big nose and your massive teeth?

-HE GROWLS

-Don't you get...

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-Don't you get cheeky with me, little girl.

I raised you better than that!

WOLF SOBS AND HOWLS

She is the only close family I've got left, and she brings me

on national telly to disown me.

WOLF SOBS

WOLF HOWLS

That's it!

I've had about enough of this. You must think I was born yesterday.

I've had hundreds of people on this show, just like you,

you selfish little girl.

How can you talk to your grandmother like that,

after all she's done for you?

-I'm very, very hurt, Kyle.

-Johnny, please.

-Johnny.

Do you know what? As a first on The Johnny Kyle's Show,

we're not actually going to do this DNA test.

Instead, me and the aftercare team are going to send you

back there so you can be in a room together

-and build your relationship from the ground up.

-Just the two of us?

-Just the two of you.

-Alone?

-Alone!

Excellent. Oh, I mean, thank you, Kyle!

-I owe you, big time.

-You can't do this, it's a wolf!

Come on, love, let's go backstage and have a nice chat...

-over dinner.

-Go that way, both of you.

Right, now that's done, who's next?

Welcome back to the...

AUDIENCE BOOS

Welcome back to the...

AUDIENCE BOOS

We...

AUDIENCE BOOS

All right, all right. I'll tell you what. You know what, Johnny?

-I've been thinking. A lot.

-Don't say it.

-No, no.

-I reckon... I reckon...

-No, stop it. Stop it.

-I reckon...

-No, we're number one, we're number one!

-No.

I reckon we're going to have to give back all these medals to the kids,

because they deserve them more than we do.

CHEERING

So, this medal - to the coolest hairstyle in the room, look at that.

Gold medal right there.

Oh, look at this. There we go.

I like that T-shirt as well. There we are.

Awesome. Johnny, you not going to give away your medals?

Are you kidding?

AUDIENCE BOOS

All right, all right.

Every kid here will get a medal before they leave -

does that sound good?

CHEERING

Guys, until next time, we're going to keep making it look good.

-The only way Johnny and Inel could.

-Hit the music.

RAP: My alarm wakes me up I'm ready to rise

I splash some water on my face to get the sleep out my eyes

The sun is out shining I'd better stop rhyming

-and as Mum's always telling me

-"Fix up your timing!"

Now we've got a show on CBBC

Sure all of my fans will be out to see me

The time is here

Now sit back, relax and get ready to cheer.

BOTH: We're doing well, as you can tell, so here comes the show

with Johnny and Inel.

(Is the coast clear?)

I knew they'd fall for them chocolate ones.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd