Episode 5 The Johnny & Inel Show

# My alarm wakes me up I'm ready to rise

# I splash some water on my face to get the sleep out my eyes

# The sun's out shining I better stop rhyming

# As Mum's always telling me "Fix up your timing!"

# Now we've got a show on CBBC

# So all of my fans will be out to see me

# It's sick cos the time is here

# Now, sit back, relax and get ready to cheer

# We're doing well, as you can tell

# So here comes the show with Johnny...

# And Inel. #

HE ROARS

You're on the team.

# Good luck with your part-time lover

# I know I'm gonna find me another... #

I'm suffering from a serious lack of bants, bants!

Uh-huh.

CHEERING

Yeah.

Hello and welcome to The Johnny And Inel Show,

packed to the rafters with comedy, so there is room for no more.

Oh, yeah. I mean, we'll have to shave off Johnny's hair

to make room for more gags.

Do not even joke about that, Inel.

This haircut is worth more than your whole outfit put together.

In fact, it's more than a haircut. It's more like family.

I just want to give it a big hug.

LAUGHTER

OK. That's a bit weird.

I'm on a show with a guy that cuddles his own hair.

You're just jealous, Inel. Cos you haven't got any hair.

I bet you feel lonely over there, don't you?

Ha! I'm fine with having no hair.

Shows off my perfectly shaped head.

Perfectly shaped like a bean!

LAUGHTER

Why don't you just say hello to him, please?

I'm not saying hello to your hair! That's ridiculous!

Besides, we've got Greet Of The Week to do.

The only thing is, Inel,

you haven't got anyone to do Greet Of The Week with.

What you talking about? I'm doing it with you!

That's not the message I'm getting from Fro-Fro.

He's saying, "Don't do Greet Of The Week with Inel.

"Not until he says hello to me first."

You've got to be joking!

He just wants us to be one big, happy family, Inel.

Me, you and Fro-Fro.

LAUGHTER

Fine.

Hello, Fro-Fro.

How you doing?

-He doesn't talk much.

-Oh!

Anyway, let's get cracking on with Greet Of The Week, shall we?

Exactly.

-This one's going to be wicked, this week.

-Oh, the greet this week!

Clap, slap, together, spin, point!

-Got that, got that.

-Did you guys see that?

-CHILDREN:

-Yeah!

-Let's give it a go.

-Stand up, then! Let's get going.

The first thing we do is a clap.

Three, two, one...

Clap, slap, together, spin and point!

They've got it.

I am so happy we've done a good Greet Of The Week.

And I'm pleased you've made up

with Fro-Fro, as well. Yeah.

The thing is, Inel, now we've got our own show,

kids want to be like us.

In fact, since the first show went out, sales of green hoodies

and afro wigs have gone through the roof.

LAUGHTER

That's a laugh.

I mean, who's going to want to buy afro wigs

and green hoodies to look like you?

Hater alert! Hater alert!

Actually, Inel, if you'll look over here...

Right.

As you can see, although demand's gone up,

the quality of what's being sold is just not good enough.

Look at these poor little guys.

You're right. They look terrible! Shocking!

I just can't see them suffer any more.

So what you going to do, then?

I've decided I'm going to set up a stall selling afro wigs

and green hoodies, so the kids can buy them

knowing that they're the highest of quality.

-Oh, you're just all heart, you are!

-Born to help.

Kids, does detention stop you from

getting the best food in the canteen?

Are you always left with the rubbish sweets in the tuck shop?

Do you never get to sit next to your best friends in assembly?

Well, then, you need...

..Place-Savers - we help you keep the best place in the queue,

so you don't miss out on any of the action again.

-Whatcha.

-Hiya.

See what Place-Savers can do for you.

Call now.

Once upon a time a kid

got dumped in the trash.

That kid discovered he had powers,

powers of the waste.

The thrilling adventures of...

Wasteman!

So, Bearman, welcome to the waste lair.

So, you want to join forces with me?

Not a surprise, me being a world-famous superhero and all that.

But why should I let you on the team?

Well, you can do things that I can't do

and I can do things that you can't do.

-Why don't you show me some of your powers?

-OK.

I've got bear strength.

Bear strength, sounds good. Let's see it.

HE ROARS

Right.

That wasn't really bear strength, was it?

-Oh, it was.

-Hmmm. OK.

-So, is there anything else you can do?

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

I've got the bear roar,

where you scare people and that.

Awesome. Let's go. Let's see it.

HE ROARS

Right.

It looks quite a lot like when you got your bear strength.

No, they're different.

Yeah, sure.

Look, is there anything else you can do?

I can summon bears for when I'm in trouble,

so they can come and help me.

No way! You should have said that at the start!

I mean, if you can just get a big bear down here,

that'd be awesome!

When we're fighting a villain,

they'll run off scared if there's a big bear there.

-Go on, let's see it!

-All right.

HE ROARS

Right. I'm going to be honest here.

You don't really seem to be doing anything, mate.

You're just roaring and growling in midair, you know?

You said there was a bear coming down here.

There's not a bear anywhere around.

Whoa. That's where you're wrong. Hold up.

BEAR POPS

BEARMAN LAUGHS

Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

That's not going to scare anyone!

BEARMAN LAUGHS

Calm down, Barry. Calm down.

Barry said he's going to beat you up.

Come off it. It's a teddy, for Pete's sake!

Come on, Barry. Come on, yeah?

Calm down, yeah? Calm down.

Barry said he's going to sort you out.

Oh, come off it.

That little thing?

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa!

Come off it, Barry! Come off it, Barry!

Leave it! Leave it, yeah?

What's he saying?

Barry said that

once he's done with you,

there's going to be nothing left but your cape

and he's going to use your hair to brush his teeth!

His words, not mine.

All right, calm him down, will you?

You're on the team.

Welcome back to The Johnny And Inel Show!

Well, it's just me at the minute,

as Johnny is a bit preoccupied with his stall.

Let's go take a look.

All right there, Inel?

Can I interest you in an afro wig?

INEL LAUGHS

No thanks, mate. If I wanted to look like a clown,

I'd put a red nose on.

LAUGHTER

What about a green hoodie? Really bring out the colour in your eyes.

Flattery will get you nowhere, mate.

Are you sure, Inel?

Cos they're really selling quite fast. Take a look around.

Whoa! How did you get all these guys to get all your stuff?

I told you, Inel.

Kids want to be like us now. They really do, yeah.

A little while back, a kid came up to me and went,

"Mate, do you know where I can get an Inel beanie hat?"

I told him, "I only stock high-quality gear."

I had to send him on his way.

But yeah, I'm pretty sure there are some strange little kids out there

that might actually be interested in what you have to offer.

Hmmm. I'm not too sure.

Look, there's only one way to find out, mate.

There's plenty of room for a stall next to me.

Yeah.

Welcome back, guys.

I'm Shotcaller007,

record points score holder on Splatface 2,

at Mr Tom's Arcade.

I'm MadJimbo28

and I've just completed Munchman 4 in 52 minutes,

and I've checked on the internet, that's a record.

And welcome to another episode of Super Game Reviewers!

Yes, that's right.

Now, last time we showed you the last level

of Productive Teenager 2, Helping Mum Carry The Shopping.

This time, we'll be looking at level two,

which is Doing Your Homework Before Mum Gets Home.

-Right, game on.

-Game on.

Now, it's important to pick your homework in the right order.

I like to start off with English,

as my boredom power bar is relatively high early on.

AB.

You've got to press A and B.

XY works, as well.

AB, please.

I've done this level before.

Can you please press A and B.

-Fine!

-Please press AB.

You'll notice that MadJimbo is using the AB technique.

This increases his writing rate.

Uh-oh! We've got a bit of trouble!

PHONE RINGS

Right. Now MadJimbo really has to concentrate,

because his phone's ringing.

It will only be your friend

and this will lead to a negative 200 distraction damage.

PHONE RINGS

-And it's very hard to salvage after that!

-It is.

-Oh!

-That was close.

Now that we have English completed,

I'm going to use an orange squash

power-up before I start to tackle maths.

GAME BUZZES

Now, the time in which Mum returns home varies.

We've had anything between two minutes and five minutes.

Do you remember that one time when the mum took six minutes?

That was a crazy major glitch!

-Major glitch!

-Major glitch!

-Crazy glitch!

-Major glitch!

Glitchy, glitchy!

Glitchy.

Glitch.

Glitchy.

MADJIMBO LAUGHS

Glitch.

-Right. So, you'll notice that...

-Nigel, you up there?

..MadJimbo is just...

Nigel, can you hear me? Otherwise I'm coming up!

No! Don't you dare come up here!

Look at the pressure that I'm under!

It's amazing I've got to this level of gaming

with this kind of pressure at home!

She just doesn't get it!

CHEERING

Welcome back to The Johnny And Inel Show!

First off, may I say thank you to Johnny who advised me

about setting up my new stall.

So now all the kids can get their beanies and cardies

fresh from the Inel's Beanie And Cardie Emporium.

Don't worry about it, Inel.

I mean, I'm pleased for you.

And I'm happy for these guys, as well.

They all look so great, don't they?

Even if one half do look slightly better than the other.

Oh, please. I'm not even just selling clothes.

I've also started selling the exclusive new Inel phone app.

-The Inel phone app?

-Oh, yeah.

What in the world is the Inel phone app?

Take a listen.

'A-ha!'

'A-ha!'

Number one app in the app store.

Technology, eh? It's great.

I'm more used to my old school products,

as you can see.

Hi, I'm TV's Johnny Cochrane,

from The Johnny And Inel Show.

Now, I can't tell you how many times someone's come up to me on

the street and said, "Whoa, what's it like being a superstar like you?

"How do you deal with the day-to-day pressures

"whilst still look good doing it?"

Why don't you find out the answers

to all those questions and more by reading my book...

..Johnny - Behind The Hair.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to sign a couple of these.

Hi, there. Who shall I make this out to?

My nan, please.

Your nan? Sure you don't want one?

Yeah.

INEL LAUGHS

See that? That's what happens when you sell old-school products,

you get old-school customers, as well!

INEL LAUGHS

Not my side. It's a bit more tech-savvy, a bit more fresh.

That right, guys? I mean, a book!

Why have you written a book?

You haven't done anything in your life!

Actually, Inel, people want to know about when I won an Olympic gold.

On your video game, yeah.

When I became president.

Yeah, of the book club.

When I had a number one single.

That you downloaded yourself 100,000 times, yeah!

It doesn't matter, Inel.

People want to know anyway.

That's what makes me a fans' favourite.

More like a nans' favourite.

LAUGHTER

What was that, Inel?

Oh, nothing, mate.

-It's just I thought my hater alert was going to go off again.

-No, no.

-Must have been a false alarm.

-Yeah, it's broken.

Anyway, excuse me. One of these?

Hi, welcome to the J&I News Network.

Our top story today...

Host, Johnny Cochrane and CEO of company

Here Today, Not Gone Tomorrow,

speaks about his booming business.

Liam Piam interviewed him earlier today. Boom.

Yeah, it's great. I came from nothing and look at me now.

Inel Tomlinson, CEO of

Me, Myself And Inel, talks about

the recent uprise of his company.

No, I'm really pleased about how it's all going.

Never in a million years did I think gamers would want to

play a game about drinking ginger beer. It's bonkers!

Couldn't have happened to two nicer gentleman, Boris.

BORIS LAUGHS

I agree, Norris.

THEY LAUGH

Well, that's it for today's news.

Tune in next time, with me,

Boris Horace.

And me, Norris Gloris.

-Ta-ta.

-Bye-bye.

Nice. Nice.

-Need a water.

-H2O.

MAN SNEEZES

Oh, hello and greetings.

Ever been out and about,

enjoying the pleasures of the day,

when the language used by some youngsters in the vicinity

completely puzzles you?

Well, welcome to The Dictionary Of What Kids Say.

Here, we'll be unveiling the hidden meanings

behind what your friends are saying.

This week's word is "bants".

Bants is short for banter,

meaning a period of recognised fun or good times.

Bants was first used in 1916 in south London by a man called

Charles Pinklesworth, who was out enjoying the day's folly

with a dear acquaintance of his.

Upon hearing a sharp quip from the acquaintance, Charles replied,

"Top bants, Giles."

Let's hear it in a modern setting, shall we?

BLONDIE SIGHS

Oh, my gosh, Robbie, I'm so bored, yeah? Yeah.

Jade and Rachelle are proper boring.

I'm suffering from a serious lack of bants, bants!

Uh-huh. Too much homework, not enough bants, bants!

I need some party bants, bants!

Bants.

HE LAUGHS

I think that was top bants.

Join me next time, won't you, on The Dictionary Of What Kids Say.

MAN SNEEZES

I can't wait for this, Inel!

-I'm expecting a mad rush.

-Oh, yeah.

INEL LAUGHS

Me too.

Hello! Testing, testing, one, two, one, two, three.

Will customers please form an orderly queue on the left-hand side

for Johnny wigs and hoodies

and on the right-hand side for the Inel Beanie Cardie Emporium.

Thank you. Thank you very much. Cheers.

-Is this yours, Johnny?

-Yeah.

We've been using it to keep the canteen door open,

but we're finished with it now.

INEL LAUGHS

Thanks.

I'd offer to put it in a skip for you,

but it's overflowing with this rubbish.

Oh, what?!

JOHNNY LAUGHS

Wait, wait, wait!

Look, there's some customers! Hiya, hiya!

Do you want to buy my book?

Look, girls, get my brand-new game, Inel Robot!

No, thanks. That's like 30 sketches ago.

It's all about Blondie now.

Oh, no.

We're yesterday's news! How did we become out of fashion?

I know! I mean, look at them!

-That's it, then!

-No, no, no, Johnny.

We're not giving up just yet.

I mean, we've got to find another way of trying to be cool again.

Yeah, you're right, Inel.

Maybe we could ask our guest of the week, Joe McElderry,

and see how he manages to remain cool.

He'll know.

BOTH: # Bow bow bow, bow bow

# Bow bow, bow bow, bow bow

# Bow, bow, bow... #

This just in.

TV host Johnny Cochrane's company,

Hair Today, Not Gone Tomorrow,

is now bankrupt.

In similar fashion, TV host Inel Tomlinson's company,

Me, Myself And Inel, is also no more.

The two have said to return to their roles on

The Johnny And Inel Show on CBBC and iPlayer.

The pair have asked that everyone respect their privacy

during these traumatic times.

In unrelated news,

sales of blonde wigs have skyrocketed recently,

with the new popularity surge of Blondie,

a character on The Johnny And Inel Show.

Entertainment sites have reported that she's currently in talks

with UK film director Danny Boyle in relation to a new film,

Slumdog Blondie.

She has also released a new line of ringtones,

which I happen to have right here.

# Liberties... #

Liberties!

-Priceless.

-My daughter would love that.

So would my wife.

That's it for today's news. Tune in next time

with me, Boris Horace.

And me, Norris Glo...

Norris Gloris.

Ta-ta.

Bye-bye.

Guys, please welcome to the show, Joe McElderry!

CHEERING

-Hello, how you doing?

-Good to see you, Joe.

-Grab a seat.

I think we're going to start by taking a look at your video.

So, if I may...

# Here's what I believe

# Good luck with your part-time lover

# I know I'm gonna find me another

# Cos now I see

# Now I know enough for me

# And you and I will never be

# You had your chance

# It's time to set you free

# Here's what I believe

# You've gotta be on one side or another

# It's got to be me or the other

# That's how it's got to be

# Here's what I believe

# You've gotta be on one side or the other... #

CHEERING

Amazing video, Joe. Where was that filmed? LA?

No, it was actually filmed in South Shields. Very glamorous.

-Same thing.

-Nice, nice.

So, Joe, we've got a couple of questions for you.

First off, you won X Factor and you got, overnight,

legions and legions of fans.

Can you give us some tips,

cos we're expecting the same thing.

JOE LAUGHS

It takes a bit of getting used to, everybody recognising you

when you walk down the street.

It's quite surreal. But it's part of the job.

You've done duets with many people in your time.

Have you ever done a duet with someone who's

maybe not up to scratch?

JOE LAUGHS

-You've got to work with what you've got.

-Tell me about it.

And you've just got to enjoy it.

All right, Joe. Everybody knows that Johnny loves his green hoodies

and everybody knows that I love my yellow beanies.

What's something you've been given that you love the most?

I once got a first class flight

given to us on the way back from...

I was in America and the air hostess was a fan and she gave us

one of the huge seats with the beds and everything

and the free food and all that, and that was pretty cool.

You know what, I've got to say from the bottom of my heart,

-thank you for coming on the show.

-My pleasure.

It's been an absolute privilege.

And, to show our appreciation,

I just wanted to give you

a free copy of this book. My book.

All you have to do is just hold that up to the camera there

and say you love this book.

But I haven't read it.

Not necessary. Just hold it up and smile. Look at the camera.

Joe, Joe. It's not necessary at all.

On the other hand, I hear you like your video games.

Not really.

All you have to do is hold this up and say, "This is I-mazing."

To that camera.

Don't worry about that. Just have the copy of my book there

and say you think it's going to be a bestseller.

Look, guys, this is a bit embarrassing.

I don't even know who you guys are.

I mean, I was asked to do this show and it was fun, but that's it.

To be honest, I thought you were the cleaners.

LAUGHTER

-OK.

-Maybe you should watch a bit more CBBC, eh?

-Yeah!

-Yeah?

What cave have you been living in?! Don't know who we are.

Guys, give it up for Joe McElderry!

CHEERING

Let's just face it.

We're just not cool, any more.

Yeah, it is hard to take, though.

Yeah, I know. I know.

Look on the bright side. We've still got each other and the show.

Yeah, you're right.

I mean, who needs a Johnny wig or an Inel hat

when you've got the real Johnny and Inel, hey?

LAUGHTER

And that's why Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

Back to you guys in the studio.

And cut. It's a wrap for Liam Piam.

Thank you, thank you.

Well done. Good luck with your next project, OK?

Thanks. Cheers. Woo!

-So, what are you going to do on your break?

-I don't know.

Probably just have a walk in the park.

Better head off now, before it gets dark.

Aaaargh!

Somebody give me some water to put this guy out!

Frighteningly good wordplay!

Waxing lyrical!

See you later.

Welcome back to The Johnny And Inel Show.

CHEERING

Ha-ha! And you know what?

You don't need a beanie, a cardie,

or a hoodie or an app to be part of this show.

Although afros do help.

And you know what? From now on, we're not selling nothing.

And next week's show's going to be even more exciting -

there's not even going to be a stall in sight.

Cos you can get all our stuff online.

We're not selling anything. Nothing.

Yeah, you're right. Inel is right.

We're just pleased to have you all tuning in, guys.

So, what happened to all the Blondie outfits, guys?

That was in the past.

I look back at myself now and think, "What was I doing back then?"

Oh, I can't believe this.

One minute they're loyal fans, the next minute they don't want to know.

Speak for yourself, Inel.

I've managed to hang on to some of my fans.

Let me see that.

Look at this, look at this.

Signed from Beryl, Dorothy, Deirdre and Doris.

Nans' favourite.

INEL LAUGHS

Do you know what, Inel?

I don't have an age restriction on a jolly fan club.

-Everybody's welcome.

-Yeah, you're right.

I mean, we do love all our fans.

Anyway, till next time, we're going to keep making it look good.

The only way Johnny and Inel could. A-ha!

Hit the music.

# My mum wakes me up I'm ready to rise

# Splash some water on my face To get the sleep out my eyes

# The sun's out shining I better stop rhyming

# Cos Mum's always telling me, "Fix up your timing!"

# Now we've got a show on CBBC

# So all of my fans will be out to see me

# It's sick, cos the time is here

# Now, sit back, relax and get ready to cheer

# We're doing well as you can tell

-# So here comes the show with Johnny

-# And Inel. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd