Episode 7 The Johnny & Inel Show

My alarm wakes me up, I'm ready to rise

I splash some water on my face to get the sleep out my eyes

The sun's out shining, I better stop griming

His mum's always telling me Fix up your driming

Now we've got a show on CBBC

So all of my fans will be out to see me

The time is here

Now sit back, relax and get ready to cheer

We're doing well as you can tell

So here comes the show with Johnny and Inel

What's up, little man?

Apparently when you order a superhero

you get another one for free.

Hurrrrghhh! Hurrrghhh!

Arrrgh! Hurrrghhh!

Oh yes!

LAUGHTER

What? Robbie, you want me to help you

do the homework that I've already done?

Oh, that's loooo-oooong!

Hi, kids, it's Johnny here.

You all probably know me as the more popular member

of The Johnny and Inel Show.

Well, it does pain me

but unfortunately I've got some bad news for you all.

As you all know, I have to do this show with a real diva named Inel.

Who wants it all his own way and wants to be the star.

And won't give me one of his crisps when I ask him for one.

I've had enough now. I've absolutely had it with him.

It's over. So that's it, guys.

Johnny and Inel no more. Finished. Finito.

Hi. I'm Boris Horis.

And I'm Norris Glorris.

And welcome to the J and I News Network.

Today's top story.

TV hosts Johnny Cochran and Inel Tomlinson have broken up.

Stay tuned for more updates on the J and I News Network.

This just in. TV host Johnny Cochran

will be replaced by CBBC host Johnny Pitts instead.

CHEERING

Yeah!

Hello, one and all, and welcome to the Johnny and Inel show!

CHEERING

Hey, thanks, guys. I know things are a little different.

Namely we've got a new Johnny.

But rest assured, this is still the same fantastic show

that you know and love.

That's not quite right, is it,

because this show is going to be better than any show you've ever done.

Oh yeah, the other shows were good as well.

You know, if this show is as good as those shows, it'll be great.

This show is going to be better

cos you've got the new improved Johnny, you've got me.

All right. Talk about blowing your own trumpet.

Anyway, right, it's time for the Greet of the Week.

I've come up with a brilliant one.

Actually, it's actually my turn to do the Greet of the Week,

cos me and Johnny usually take it in turns.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah. It's my turn.

I thought that Johnny had gone now.

And I've come up with a really good one so it's my turn.

All right, yeah, let's do yours.

That's what I thought. OK. This is how it goes. Right, OK, so there...

Sorry, guys, I realised I just forgot my bag.

CHEERING

What is going on here?

LAUGHING: Hiya, Johnny. We're just filming the show!

There is no show! I've left. It's over.

It's done, finito, kaput!

CLEARING THROAT: I think, Johnny,

you'll find that they replaced you with er... moi.

Bit awkward.

You replaced me? Good one!

You ain't got my skills, bruv.

Oh yeah, what skills are these then?

Well, I've got mad skills, mate.

I've got the skills that pay the bills.

LAUGHTER

-Well, actually, Johnny, erm...

-What's this?

-It's a phone bill.

He's paying.

Mad skills, bruv.

Well, it's obviously a muddle up.

Just go and sort this out then, won't I?

Yeah. But I am NOT finished here!

I'll be back.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ah!

Come on, Inel, let's get on with this Greet of the Week.

-All right.

-It's a good one.

Da-da-da-da-doosh!

I like that! Everybody, let's get up and do that. That's a good one.

Three, two, one. Doosh doosh doosh doosh doosh!

That was good! I like that!

That's actually the best greeting that we've ever done.

I told you, this is going to be great now that I'm here.

You know what, this is the start of a wicked relationship!

-I can feel it, man!

-Wicked!

-Boo!

-Yeah! Ha ha!

This is going to be good, man!

-AUDIENCE:

-Ah!

Kids, we all know that mums can read minds.

Are you going to do the washing up today, Jonathan?

You bet I am.

"No, I'm going to play my computer games!"

Here at Mum's Mind Scrambler

we've developed a technology that can actually jam the mother's psychic brainwaves.

Are you going to do the washing up today, Jonathan?

Yeah, sure I am.

BUZZING: "No, I'm going to play my computer games."

Are you definitely sure you're going to do the washing up?

Yeah, I'm sure. I love washing up.

BUZZING: "No, I'm going to play my computer games."

OK, good boy.

Mum's Mind Scrambler. Order today.

A kid got dumped in the trash.

Powers of the waste!

Wasteman!

Help! Help! My balloon!

What's up, little man?

Apparently when you order a superhero you get another one for free.

I bet you can BEAR-ly believe it!

HE LAUGHS

So anyway, what you doing in the rain? What's the problem?

Well, my balloon blew away.

If my flying powers were still working, I could fly up there in a couple of seconds,

get it back for you and still have time to pop home for a nap.

Yeah, and even my bear strength can't help in this situation.

Raarrghhh! See?

But I want my balloon!

There's no pleasing some people, is there?

We're going to have to help him out, Wasteman.

-We are superheroes, after all.

-I'll see what I can do.

See, kid, he's going to help you out with his waste powers. Told you!

There you go, little man.

But my balloon was red!

That looks rubbish!

Oh! Barry likes it, he's impressed.

HE LAUGHS

I want that teddy!

Sorry, kid, you can't have Barry. He's a bit aggressive.

But I want him!

Listen, kid, have you heard of Paddington Bear?

Yeah, well, Barry beat him up.

Honestly, he's just really aggressive right now.

He's just started crying. You're going to have to do something.

I can't give him Barry the bear - there's going to be even more tears.

I tell you what. I'll summon a different bear with my bear powers.

Ha ha!

Hurrrghhh!

-Hurrrrghhh!

-Oh, not this again.

Huurrrrgh! Hurrrghh! Hurrrghhh!

Aarrrgh!

Here we are!

Thanks, Wasteman! Thanks, Bearman! You guys are the best!

And may bear waste be with you!

LAUGHING: Go on then, get out the rain! It's raining.

Another job well done for us.

You know what, Wasteman, I'm so glad you're here.

Cos you know how I can't BEAR to be alone.

Oh, stop it.

Oh, I've just BEAR-ly started!

HE LAUGHS

Welcome back to The Johnny and Inel Show!

(CHEERING)

You know what, I've got a joke to tell.

Oh yeah? Just make it funny then, Inel.

Oh, it will be, it will be.

Right.

Why did the chicken cross the road twice?

-Go on.

-Because he was a double crosser!

LAUGHTER

Ha ha! Bup!

Wooh!

Wooh!

Finished?

Yeah. Did... Did you not find that funny, then?

To be honest, no, I didn't. Such jokes are beneath me.

What do you mean?

I mean, it was pretty base, wasn't it? You know, it was so obvious.

It's just a really standard joke.

Well, the other Johnny really likes my jokes.

Yeah, well, we don't talk about the other Johnny.

All right? He's gone. And I thought that joke was really lame.

Oh right, well, er...

Well, if you think you can do better, go ahead.

I could definitely do better

but my sense of humour is a lot more, you know, sophisticated.

OK, well, why don't you tell a joke in the next link then?

OK.

I'll start composing one now.

Well, we'll cut to a sketch while we wait then, shall we?

Tell you what, Regan, don't half get a right craving after double maths.

Low blood sugar levels. Only one way to solve it.

Oi, what you done with the sweet stuff?

You're meant to be running a tuck shop.

Not a greengrocer's!

-This is all we've got.

-Pulling our leg?

Don't mess with us. We haven't had our dinner.

Look, someone came and bought everything.

All the cakes, the chocolate, the French fancies.

-Even the plain digestives?

-Everything.

Even the Eccles cakes?

What part of everything didn't you understand?

-Who did this?

-Can't say.

You're withholding evidence.

We want names.

And we want them now!

Find out for yourself. I'm no squealer.

Baby, calm.

On today's Johnny Kyle show, we have Snow White!

She used to live the life of a princess

but now she has seven little problems to contend with.

Let's find out why! Snow White, everybody!

CHEERING

-Welcome to the show.

-Hello!

So I hear there's a little trouble in paradise.

Well, yes, there is, Johnny Kyle.

I mean, all the dwarves that I live with are now out of work.

They used to be so motivated, they used to love it, they really did.

I mean, they'd come out of the house, bright and early in the morning.

Singing their little hearts out.

SINGS: Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go!

SHE WHISTLES AUDIENCE CLAPS

And now all they do is sit at home, watch TV

and play video games.

I see.

Such a shame. They really need to get out there and find some more work.

Cos it's really having a big impact on my lifestyle.

It really is. I can't have any of my animal friends round any more.

Cos Sneeze is now allergic to the animal critters.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ah!

-Sleepy, he's always sleeping.

-And er...

-Hold on.

So let me get this straight.

What fairytale land have you been living in, eh?

It's a recession out there.

Why don't you go out and get a job and help 'em out!

You think you're better than that, don't you?

Cos you're the fairest of them all!

-Oh no, it's not like that!

-No buts! No buts!

I've had a troubled life as well, you know.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ah!

My stepmother, she tried to poison me with an apple.

Oh, woe is me!

It's always everybody else's fault.

-But...

-No buts!

If you want help from our aftercare team,

you better stop butting in!

-I just want to...

-Oh, she can't be helped.

Get her out of here!

I didn't get any help! But...

Now she's sorted, who's next?

Welcome to The Johnny and Rynel Show!

Rynel, why don't you introduce yourself and say your line?

Why do you keep calling me Rynel?

It's Dwayne.

HE LAUGHS

He's a funny man, isn't he?

Let's just have a quick word with you back here, please, Rynel.

You've got to get it together, mate. You're showing yourself up.

And worse than that, you're showing me up and I will not have it.

OK? Your name's Rynel, have you got that?

Right!

Why don't you introduce the guests to what's coming up on the show?

-BOY:

-Where's Inel?

-Inel's not on this show.

We've got a better replacement!

Well, a replacement, anyway.

-BOY:

-But we came here to see you and Inel.

Yeah, well, sorry about that.

Rynel, why don't you show them the Greet of the Week?

Right, the Greet of the Week.

Well, basically you go like this.

And then like this.

What you doing?

I mean, are you serious?

You're falling to pieces out here, mate.

I'm having to run around picking them all up.

It's like doing the show with Humpty Dumpty.

Oh!

Just cut to a sketch.

Oh, I forgot. No lighting, no editing. No cameraman.

I've got to do it myself.

Till next time, tune in to the J and I News Network.

-Cut.

-Poo!

-Sandwich, Inel?

-Ah, nice.

What's this? Tomato and beef? No, that's going to stick to my teeth.

Aarrrrghhh! Writing the lyrics!

Cranking it up another notch!

See you later.

Bad breath?

Dandruff?

Body odour?

Gangly looking arms?

Slightly crooked teeth?

Does your mum still call you Tinkerbell?

Sorry, what kind of an advert is this?

I thought we were meant to be advertising a soap!

Oh no, this isn't an advert.

I was clearly just making observations.

Sorry, I didn't know you could hear me.

-Well, I can!

-Incredibly sensitive?

Hell, and welcome back to my show.

Why don't you do that little dance that we talked about earlier?

You could prepare them for my amazing joke.

-No, it's too embarrassing.

-Listen, what do you reckon?

Do you want to see Inel do his dance?

Yes!

Do the dance, come on.

SINGS: Here comes the funny dance, the funny dance, the funny dance

Here comes the funny dance...

I don't think anyone can hear you. A bit louder.

Go on, there's a good lad.

SINGS LOUDER: Here comes the funny dance

The funny dance, the funny dance

Here comes the funny dance

Get ready for a joke

OK, what did the pie say to Inel's face?

-AUDIENCE:

-What?

Splat!

Oh yes!

What a joke! Put it there!

Yes! Yes!

Now that is a joke, yeah, boy!

I've had enough of this! You're just ruining this show!

HE LAUGHS

Ever since you've been here, you've just been so rude!

I mean, your head's getting so huge

I'm surprised it hasn't exploded yet!

Will somebody open a window.

Johnny's head's so big it's sucking up all the air!

LAUGHTER

-Calm down, calm down.

-You've ruined it, you've ruined it.

You know what, this double act is over!

It's done! I'm off!

Finished! Kaput!

Safe. Nice one.

Koo-koo. See you later.

-Was it something I said?

-Yeah!

Raaargh!

Raaarggh!

Hurggghhh!

I'm just not feeling it, mate.

Hurrrghhh!

What are you doing? Do you know what personal space is?

Yeah, like parking spaces. That's like your own space.

You know what, it's done.

I'm sorry, I can't work with this low level of talent.

It's like Ronaldo playing with Dartford Under 12s.

Honestly, I'm finished.

I'm sorry, Rynel. I'm going to have to let you go, mate.

Can I tell a joke?

Go on then. It's your last chance anyway. Why not?

What do you call the thing that you eat with that isn't a fork?

Don't know, a knife?

That's it. I've been trying to remember that all day.

Are you serious?

-What kind of a joke is that?

-What joke?

You were meant to be telling...

It doesn't matter anyway. This is just stupid.

You're done, mate. You're finished.

It's over. I can't work with you.

Can I keep Harry?

Keep him. Please. Just please go.

It's over. That way. Just get out. That way. Yeah.

Can I just apologise to you guys?

It was a dream that went wrong.

Horribly wrong.

SAD MUSIC

Oh, hello!

Does this sound familiar?

You ask your friend for a favour and their response baffles you?

To the point at which you question

whether you're even speaking the same language!

Well, welcome to The Dictionary Of What Kids Say.

Here we'll be unveiling those hidden mysteries

behind what your friends are saying.

This week, long.

Now to actually understand this phrase,

we must first see it in action.

What? Robbie, you want me to help you

do the homework that I've already done?

Oh, that's loooooo-oooong!

Doesn't seem like Blondie wants to help!

That's looooo-ooooong!

That's because long is a phrase used

to show one's reluctance to participate in an activity.

Due to underlying laziness or dislike of the activity in question.

Resulting in the avoidance of assistance.

Originally derived from the phrase long-winded.

You might even say that that definition was long.

Join me next time, won't you?

On The Dictionary Of What Kids Say.

WHISTLE

WHISTLE

WHISTLE

-Forgot something, boys?

-Why did you do it, Ashdown?

You knew we'd get a post lunch energy dip.

You knew we needed those chocolatey slices

to keep us going until hometime.

I thought if I buy all the bad stuff and hide it away,

then I won't be tempted.

Don't worry, Ashdown, you'll be all right.

As long as you don't take the biscuit!

ALL LAUGH

-Ah, Johnny!

-All right, Inel.

All right, mate? Didn't know you was going to be here.

Yeah, just picking up more phone bills.

Yeah, you want to pay them, yeah.

Where's that other Johnny guy?

Oh, him? Yeah, he's... He's not in the show any more.

What about that Rynel guy?

I've just completely had enough of him, to be honest.

You know, it's... It's good to see you, Johnny.

Yeah, it's good seeing you as well.

I'm sorry, man. I shouldn't have done the show without you.

It's not The Johnny and Inel Show without Johnny and Inel.

You all right, Johnny? Are you crying?

Your lip's quivering.

SOBBING: Fly in my mouth. Just trying to spit it out.

So many flies!

Anyway, Inel, I'm sorry as well.

I know you're a diva but I should just get on with it.

-I'm not a diva.

-Enough talking, Inel.

Let's just celebrate the old team being back together, eh?

-Hey!

-Hey! Hey! Hey!

-Boom!

-Boom!

-Back again!

-I can't wait for next week's show.

-Oh yeah.

-I am going to be amazing.

Till next week, guys. We're going to keep making it look good.

The only way the real Johnny and Inel could! Ah ha!

Hit the music.

My alarm wakes me up, I'm ready to rise

I splash some water on my face to get the sleep out my eyes

The sun's out shining, I better stop griming

His mum's always telling me Fix up your driming...

This just in. TV hosts Johnny Cochran and Inel Tomlinson

have rekindled their relationship.

And The Johnny and Inel Show will resume as originally planned

on the CBBC channel.

Well, I'm so glad that's resolved, Norris.

Me too, Boris.

It's never nice when two friends bicker.

Especially if one friend is more talented than the other.

What do you mean by that, Boris?

I'm just saying, Norris.

Usually one friend is more talented than the other friend, Norris.

Well, I'm just saying, Boris,

that I have a bone to pick with you, Boris.

A bone to pick with me, Norris?

A rather large bone, Boris.

Well, why don't you pick that bone, Norris?

Well, I'll be picking that bone right now, Boris.

Pick it then, Norris. I can't see you picking.

I'm picking right now, Boris.

Oh, very picky of you!

Yes, incredibly picky.

-Picky picky.

-I will pick it all night.

-Oh, Mr Picky?

-Yeah.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd