Episode 11 The Johnny & Inel Show

-Gee, Johnny, you look smart.

-Yeah, I'm dressed up for Inel. Poor guy.

-His friend Leon died this week.

-Oh.

It's funny, in all the time I've known Inel, I've never met Leon.

-No, me neither.

-Or me.

Oh, here he comes, here he comes.

-You all right, Inel?

-Yeah.

-How you holding up?

-Yeah, doing OK, man.

-What's in the box?

-Oh, it's Leon.

What, Leon? How's he fit in there?

He's a big goldfish, but I made sure there was room for him in there.

What, a goldfish? All this palaver over a goldfish?

Hey, Leon was a close, personal friend.

A close, personal friend? He's a goldfish, Inel!

They have, like, three-second memories.

He'll be swimming around like...

-"Oh, who's that? Oh, it's Inel, I like Inel."

-Yeah, he did, yeah.

"Oh, who's that?" JOHNNY LAUGHS

Hey, have some respect! I'm trying to do a service here.

OK, fair enough. I get it.

-He meant a lot to you.

-Mm.

OK, well, I'm going to come up with some ideas

-and think of a new pet for you, Inel.

-Mm, I smell a Johnny scheme.

-Oh, that's nice of you, mate.

-A top-class Johnny-approved pet!

-Johnny-approved pet?

-Oh, yeah. Leave it with me.

# My alarm wakes me up I'm ready to rise

# Splash water on my face To get the sleep out my eyes

# The sun's out shining I'd better stop rhyming

# As Mum's always telling me "Fix up your timing!"

# Now we've got a show on CBBC

# Sure all of my fans will be out to see me

# Get set, cos the time is here

# Now sit back, relax and get ready to cheer

# We're doing well as you can tell

# So here comes the show with Johnny

# And Inel. #

'What's coming up on today's show?

'The Vamps!'

# But she's so beautiful it made me stay... #

'Baggit!'

-Uh-oh.

-I've seen that face 1,000 times, bruv.

Ah, man's in the doghouse, ain't it, bruv?

-Well, you're spending like a tenner, bruv.

-Pathetic!

'The Gamer Geeks!'

-Fighting for my life up here! Stay back!

-That's it.

-Stay back!

-Protect your right shoulder!

'All that, plus Johnny's hunt for my new pet...

'We'd better get the show started.'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

-Ha-ha!

-Ha-ha!

-Right, Inel?

-Yeah?

-I think I've got the perfect idea for a pet.

-Yeah?

-Yeah, a dog.

-A dog?

-A dog. It's brilliant, innit,

-when you get, like, dogs that look just like their owners...?

-Mm.

So, I've got a few dogs here that might look a little bit like you.

First up...

# Who let the dogs out...? #

-Think drooly jowls.

-Drooly jowls?

Dribble hanging from the mouth.

# Who let the dogs out...? #

Same squashed little face.

-Squashed little face?

-All wrinkles in it. This one.

Fat little paws.

-Fat little paws?

-Yeah, fat little paws.

Same awkward little stare.

-Awkward little stare. It's perfect.

-Is it?

-What about...same flappy little ears?

-Flappy little ears?

Yeah, oh, it's the same, you're like twins.

You're stupid, you're not even looking at the pictures properly.

-I'm joking, I'm joking.

-Oh, it's a stupid idea anyway.

-Why?

-I don't even like dogs.

You could have told me that at the start, Inel,

before I went getting all those good little dog pictures.

Just forget... Forget about it, yeah?

Look, I'm still missing Leon, all right?

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

Look, Inel, the best way to get over something sad

is to think about something else.

-Besides, I don't give up that easy.

-No?

It's my mission, this episode, to find YOU a new pet.

'Wow, Johnny sounds determined.

'While he gets that sorted,

'why don't we see who's in the WWJI ring?'

BELL DINGS

Tonight, we finally get to see the Frustrated Writer...

..take on The Dad.

I'm going to crush you

with my astounding and exquisite command of language

and my embarrassingly rich smorgasbord of vocabulary.

-What was that, was that a real word?

-Isn't it past your bedtime?

If you're not careful, I'm going to make you tidy your room,

-dock your pocket money AND turn off the Wi-Fi.

-Very parental.

-You wouldn't dare.

-You just try me, sunshine.

Any more lip from you and you'll be grounded for a week.

Grounded for a week, you say?

Is that Monday to Sunday or Monday to Friday?

-I'll take your pen away, mate.

-You can't do that.

-Talk back to your dad like that, will ya? No, you won't.

-Sorry.

Two titans of the arena, this is not to be missed.

Tickets go on sale midnight tonight.

'Erm...it's time for The Only Way Is Blondie and brace yourselves,

'this episode is, like, totes emosh.'

Five, six, seven...

Oh, my days, Michelle.

Why you trying to long out my life like that,

calling out five, six, seven, eight?

Who d'you think you are - Beyonce or something?

-Be seein' ya!

-Doubt it!

So long. Farewell. Auf Wiedersehen, goodbye, Michelle!

Whatever, yeah!

-BOTH:

-Come on, Rubes!

I thought Michelle was supposed to be a true friend.

Turns out, first sign of trouble and she's out of there...

when you need your friends the most.

Totes ridic.

# But you only need the light when it's burning low

# Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

# Only know you love her when you let her go... #

SHE SIGHS

'We so would have won that talent competition,

'now what am I going to do without Ruby and Michelle?'

How rude of me,

I almost forgot to wish you good luck for tonight's performance.

When you're out there on the stage, really enjoy yourself.

Cos it's the last time that you're going to be in the spotlight,

cos when everyone sees how lame your dance is...

and how great mine is,

all those cameras will be following ME.

-ALL:

-And us.

-And... And you lot.

-What you trying to say, Shenise?

-Just leave it, Blondie.

-Please!

Just leave it, yeah? Just leave it, Blondie!

'Oh, dear. Could things be any worse for Blondie?

'We'll check back in with her later, next up:

'Grumpy Beanie and cheeky Fro-Fro.'

-Beanie?

-Hm?

-Guess what?

-What?

I've got a joke. Me uncle told it to me.

Nah, nah, nah, me no' like your uncle's jokes.

Nah, this one's OK, I promise.

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

Me no' know.

To show his girlfriend he had guts!

Ah-ha-ha! Ah-ha-ha-ha!

It's a good one, ain't it?

Nah, me not like it, me not like laughing at dead animals.

Beanie, it's just a joke.

Me not care.

You're still laughing at a hedgehog that got squashed.

FRO-FRO SIGHS

-I don't know what your problem is, Beanie, they're just jokes.

-No...

BEANIE SIGHS

'Let's get back to the studio.'

Next up we have an indie pop band

that have been performing all over the UK.

And with a new debut album out this year, guys, give it up for...

The Vamps! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# I was walking away

# But you're so beautiful it made me stay

# I don't know her name

# But I'm hoping she might feel the same

# Here I go again She got my heart again

# Tonight we'll dance

# I'll be yours and you'll be mine

# We won't look back

# Take my hand and we will shine

# Oh-oh-oh

# She needs a wild heart She needs a wild heart

# I got a wild heart... #

One, two, three, four...

# Stay here, my dear

# Feels like I've been standing right here for years

# My mind's made up

# Tell me that you feel this then I won't give up

# I won't give up

# Tonight we'll dance

# I'll be yours and you'll be mine

# We won't look back

# Take my hand and we will shine

# Oh-oh-oh

# She needs a wild heart She needs a wild heart

# I got a wild heart

# Oh-oh-oh

# She needs a wild heart She needs a wild heart

# I got a wild heart

# And I know it's late I know it's cold

# But come right here I swear I'll never let you go

# The way you move, it's wonderful

# Let's do it now cos one day we'll both be old

# Oh-whoa-oh!

# Tonight we'll dance

# I'll be yours and you'll be mine

# We won't look back

# Take my hand and we will shine

# Oh-oh-oh

# She needs a wild heart She needs a wild heart

# I got a wild heart

# Oh-oh-oh

# She needs a wild heart She needs a wild heart

# I got a wild heart. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

'An awesome performance from The Vamps.

'Right, while I'm off to get Inel's new pet sorted out,

'why don't you check and see what Rudy and Boyyer are up to?'

Uh-oh! Chocolates, are you trying to say sorry or something, bruv?

I've seen that face 1,000 times, bruv.

Ah, man's in the doghouse, ain't it, bruv?

-Well, you're spending like a tenner, bruv.

-Pathetic, bruv.

-Is that any way to treat a lady, bruv?

-My heart hurts, bruv.

You should be ashamed of yourself, bruv.

Hang your head, bruv, hang your head.

-Go back there and find something better, bruv.

-Yeah, right...

-What's he like, bruv?

-Don't know, bruv.

No, bruv!

-Nah, nah, I think not!

-What am I supposed to buy, then?

Look, tell us what you did, bruv,

and we'll point you in the right direction.

-I can't say, I'm...too ashamed.

-Look, spit it out, bruv.

-We're here to help.

-I clipped me toenails in the kitchen.

Well, is that it?

She found one in her cereal.

She thought she was eating Crunchy Nut...

but they were just ordinarily cornflakes.

Get out of my shop, you nasty man!

-Nasty! Come out, man!

-Rank-rot.

-Botters!

-Rank FF.

-Mm.

-BLONDIE:

-'Ah, finally, it's about time they got back to me!'

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Er, what do you want?

I've come to see my daughter.

Well, she doesn't want to see you,

so can you shut the door on your way out, please? Thank you.

Tristan tells me that you're no longer friends with Ruby

-and Michelle.

-Oh, my gosh! That boy is such a blabbermouth.

This is precisely the reason why I don't tell him anything.

Look, whatever's happened between you, Ruby and Michelle,

it's solvable, girl.

-How?

-The only way you know how. Blondie's way.

Look, you're smart, you're cute, you're feisty...

-Look, you'll think of a way.

-You think so?

-BLONDIE SQUEALS

-Oh, thanks, Mum.

Hold on, is that my perfume I can smell?

-Child, I've been wearing this from time.

-Oh, my golly, golly gosh!

Oh, my gosh! I thought I was half empty!

Liberties - the fragrance for girls.

-Liberti-e-e-e...

-HE COUGHS

Liberties - meaning when something is completely and utterly...

"not fair"!

Taken from the popular 20th-century phrase "taking liberties".

Don't cut me off mid-sentence! Serious liberties!

So, welcome to the Stepton High Talent Show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, I can do this, I can do this.

'Johnny's told me I've got to go outside for my new pet.

'I wonder what it is?'

-Shhh, mate, check this out.

-What?

I've had a great idea for a pet.

-Yeah?

-Oh, yeah, it's amazing.

I've got a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend...

-Do you know him?

-Kind of, yeah, yeah.

..to bring down his amazing pet

and once you've seen it in action, you'll want one for yourself.

-Oh, wicked!

-Yeah, needs a lot of space, though.

A lot of space?

-Hey, you didn't get me an elephant, did you?

-No.

-Oh.

-Couldn't, mate, insurance was too high.

-Oh, right.

-Besides, I'm allergic.

Hold on, you're allergic to elephants?

Yeah, don't ask. BIRD SHRIEKS

Wait, hold on, Inel, look up, look up!

-Look, look.

-Ah, you got me a bird!

It's not a bird, Inel, it's a hawk.

A hawk, yeah, sounds majestic.

-I knew you'd like it.

-Yeah.

You know your garden at home, it's quite big, innit?

-I don't have a garden. I live in a flat, I've got a balcony.

-Oh, right.

-Well... It'll be all right, just stick a perch up or something.

-Yeah?

-Hawks basically take care of themselves.

-Right.

Here you are, stick this on, we'll get him down.

Oh, it's coming in fast already!

Oh, it's got its talons out.

Oh. Oh, no.

Oh...

Inel, it's probably more scared of you than you are of it.

I don't think so!

-HAWK SHRIEKS

-Ahh!

-Ah, ah!

-HE WHIMPERS

What's wrong, Inel? I thought you liked ANGRY BIRDS!

Pfft! Pfft!

HAWK SHRIEKS

'Let's head over to The Salon. I wonder if she'll like it?'

-Welcome to the great Ernesto Salon.

-And me, Julio.

Picasso once said...

-Julio, some music, please.

-Sure thing, Ernesto.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Julio, speed up the tempo! MUSIC SPEEDS UP

Julio, I am ready. Scissors!

Scissors.

# Bom bom-bom bom. Bwom, bwom

# Bwom, bwom. #

Julio, shears.

-Shears.

-SHE MOUTHS

Chain saw.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

What have I done?! It is a disaster!

I am a fraud!

I must hide, for I don't want the world to see me.

I like it.

-What did she say?

-She says she likes it.

Well, of course she likes it, I am the great Ernesto, you fool.

Louder.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING IS AMPLIFIED

'Make sure you put your phones on silent

'cos it's time for Chatty Mates.'

# Ain't no stopping us now We've got the groove

Oh, my gosh, Moby, you're going to have to help me.

What's happened, Shelly,

you haven't been left in the washing machine again, have you?

-My gosh, it's worse than that.

-What, dropped in the toilet?

No, baby Nathan's round.

-Again?

-Again.

-Oh, no, it's worse than I suspected.

-Mm.

-I thought you said they'd put him down?

-That's what I thought.

Turns out they put him down to sleep to recharge his batteries.

But the beast is back and he's bigger and he's worse than ever.

-Oh, no, he hasn't taken your back cover off, has he?

-Worse.

What, dropped you from a great height?

-Even worse than that, he's teething.

-Oh, my goodness!

-I know.

-And you're not even water-resistant.

-I know.

-Or scratch-proof.

-I know! Oh, oh, ooh!

-Shelly, what's happening?

Oh, my goodness, you're not going to believe this.

Claudia, she's only gone and got a dog, ain't she.

-DOG GROWLS

-Oh, what are they like?!

'Let's head over to our two favourite game reviewers,

'the Gamer Geeks.'

Wait for me.

Right. One, two, three!

Hiya, gamers, MadJimbo28, Elite Guild on Extreme Risk 6, here.

And I'm Shotcaller007 - MVP on custom league, Pro Soccer 14.

And welcome to another edition of...

BOTH: Super Game Reviewers.

That's right.

Now, last time, we were trying to improve our character's

coordination points, unsuccessfully.

But today, we're confident it's going to be a much more awesome addition

as we tackle the ultimate challenge, the duel!

-Game on!

-Game on!

Right. Now, Shotcaller007 is about to participate in a safety duel

with another player.

That means that even if he loses, he won't miss any life points.

I would never risk my character's life

after putting in so much work on him.

Oh, no, if you did that, and you lost, your character would

get killed and then you'd have to start again from scratch.

Yeah, and I would not like that.

No.

Oh, yes! I won my safety duel.

-Well done.

-Oh, what's this?

FireDuel13 challenged me to a real duel.

Could you imagine if I pressed that button and accepted?

Ha-ha-ha, that would be manic.

I mean, imagine putting your character's life on the line

and all I'd have to do is press that button.

-But I know you wouldn't do it because...

-Oh!

Oh, no! You've accepted the duel!

-Ah!

-What do I do?

-Fight!

-'Hi, Joe, I need you to take the dog for a walk.'

-Leave me alone, Mum!

I'm fighting for my life up here! Stay back!

-That's it.

-Stay back!

-Protect your right shoulder!

-Stay back! Ah...

She's lining up for a power strike!

No!

She killed me!

SHOTCALLER007 SOBS

I'm sorry for your loss, Shotcaller007.

He was a great character.

He was more than a character.

-He was my friend.

-I don't know how you must feel.

For losing a character that you put in over

172 hours of gaming to create.

Well, you don't know how it feels,

no gamer should have to watch their avatar die!

Especially to a girl.

-Just get out.

-Would you like me to say a few words first?

-Get out.

-OK.

I'll put this here.

-Why?

-Cos it's yours.

I don't... Take the hanger if you want.

-Really, really, really sorry.

-Get out.

-But I forgot my coat.

-Oh, that's not my coat.

-Oh, why are you here? Why?

-I thought that was my coat.

-Please, leave.

Oh, I'll ask your mum if she's got it.

Surely not again?

Your mum says if I'm going home now you need to go for a walk with her.

-Get out!

-OK.

'We'll leave Shotcaller alone to grieve in peace.

'Meanwhile, we'll rush back to the studio to wrap things up.'

Now, Johnny, before you embark on another one of your,

"Let's get Inel a new pet" schemes...

-I will admit, The Hulk was a bit of a disaster.

-Huh!

Yes, it was a disaster.

No pet is ever, EVER going to replace Leon,

so let's just drink a ginger beer and remember his good bits.

# Every step I take

-# Oh, no

-Every move I make

-# I'll miss you

-Every single day

# Every time I pray I'll be missing you

# Yeah, yeah, yeah... #

-Rest in peace, brother. Rest in peace.

-Yeah.

Oh, cheers, man.

Keep going.

Oh, so you won't want the new pet that I got for you, then, Inel?

No, I do not want any of your deranged pet ideas.

-And... Well, to be honest...

-What?

I've got to tell you a little something.

The reason I like fish so much is, well...

I'm a little bit scared of animals.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

So you won't want the...

-..pet that I've got for you over here?

-What pet?

This one.

-Can you tell what it is?

-Let me see, let me see!

EMOTIONAL MUSIC

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

-Oh, wow! Ha-ha!

-Look at that, it's perfect, Johnny!

-I know.

The smile on his face just makes it all worth it.

Right, now Inel's back to being happy, time to sign off, guys.

We're going to keep making it look good.

The only way Johnny and Inel could. Aha!

-Hit the music. I fancy fish and chips for dinner.

-You what?

-Yeah, fish and chips.

-Hey!

-Chill out!

-That's offensive, man.

Chill out, chill out.

On your feet, everybody...

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Yeah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!