Episode 4 The Johnny & Inel Show

Hello and welcome to The Johnny And Inel Show, guys!

CHEERING

# My alarm wakes me up I'm ready to rise

# I splash some water on my face to get the sleep out of my eyes

# The sun's out shining I better stop rhyming

# As Mum's always telling me "fix up your timing"

# Now we got a show on CBBC

# Sure all of my fans will be happy to see me

# It's sick cos the time is here, now sit back relax

# And get ready to cheer

# We're doing well as you can tell

# So here comes the show with Johnny And Inel. #

Coming up on the show... Akai!

Rampz!

And always we like to bike, you know what I mean? Clack, clack!

Blondie!

-How many kisses did you send?

-One.

Oh, for crying out loud, Rubes!

Ready for today's show, today, Johnny!

Inel, you're not going to believe this!

What's that?

Our Jinel video...

# Jinel, Jinel you made it fine well... #

..has got 1,000 hits online.

I think it's called "going viral".

That's a lot, is it?

It's not 100, Inel, did you think I said 100?

It's like 100 times ten!

It's basically international, mate.

There'll be a little kid in Japan who's watching the Jinel

video on his mobile phone.

Viral!

Johnny, that's not a lot for music videos online, you know.

You know Beyonce's single Ladies, 230 million views, yeah.

Jennifer Lopez - On The Floor, 500 million hits!

Gangnam Style - two billion hits online.

That's not a billion, that's a billion times two.

You're meant to be in charge of the website.

I make the magic happen, you're meant to promote it.

Oh, all right, erm...

Know what we should do?

We should come out with a new pop video focusing on the dance moves.

That's where we went wrong last time.

Yeah, I think the quality of the singing overpowered the dancing.

Silly dance then, yeah?

Yeah, a silly dance.

Will Johnny and Inel be able to make the best dance video ever?

And go truly viral?! Keep watching.

But first, wrestling Johnny and Inel style - WWJI.

Here he is - it's Brick Brickhouse!

And The Tickler!

The Brickhouse feels no pain.

Ah-ha!

The Brickhouse is invincible.

Ah-ha!

The Brickhouse...

has no weakness!

I'll bet you're ticklish, though!

-Bull.

-I bet you are!

HE LAUGHS AND SHRIEKS

Oh, stop it! I'm not laughing... er...

We all are.

HE CLEARS THROAT The Brickhouse wasn't laughing,

The Brickhouse was remembering a cartoon he once saw on TV.

-Yeah, it was quite funny.

-He wasn't.

Stop it! Ah...!

So, join us tonight - six hours of entertainment.

Two men will enter the ring but who will leave?

BELL RINGS

That was total nonsense, but now for something that does make sense.

Well, kind of. The Only Way Is Blondie!

Since I was so popular on The Johnny And Inel Show last year

the BBC have decided to give me my own show!

Ha-ha-ha! Standard!

Hello, Ruby, we're coming round for a sleepover tonight,

tell Michelle...over.

So today we're having a sleepover at Ruby's!

This song is, like, so emotional.

LAUGHTER

Want some chicken, Rubes?

Oh my gosh, Rubes, you're like munching out all the chicken.

Save some for the rest of us.

LAUGHTER

MUSIC: "Crazy In Love" by Beyonce

VOMITING

Oh, my gosh, Ruby, I told you not to eat all the chicken for yourself.

Do you want to die with your head in chicken sick or what?

Why can't you help nurse her, though? She's flagging really bad.

Oh, my gosh, Michelle, do I look like Florence Nightingale to you?

I don't think so!

VOMITING

Sometimes I wish Blondie could be a little bit more

sensitive to other people's feelings and that, don't you think, Rubes?

Don't remind me.

Oops, sorry, Rubes, hope you're feeling better soon!

VOMITING

Hey, y'all. When it's over, bruv...

Baggit!

What's that, what's that, what's that, bruv?

What's that, what's that, what's that, bruv?

What's that, what's that, what's that, bruv?

What's that, what's that, what's that, bruv?

Sick tune.

It's a little tune I came up with. It's called What's That Bruv?

Mmm.

Can I pay for my shopping. please?

You know what, my man can make up a tune about anything you know, bruv.

Eh, yo, make up a tune about his shopping, bruv.

It's just I'm in a bit of a rush.

Taramasalata. I'll have it for my starter.

Nice bit of Brie, I'll have it for my tea.

Little satsuma...

Finish the line, bruv.

I really need to go...

Little satsuma...

Little satsuma...

Have it with some tuna?

-No, bruv.

-No, bruv, no.

Little satsuma, I'll...

-Feed it to my Puma!

-Nah, nah, nah.

Little satsuma...

Had a sense of humour!

No, no, try the first one again.

Er...feed it to my puma?!

-No. No, the other one.

-Have it with some tuna?

Yeah, little satsuma, I'd have it with some tuna.

Nice! Now, when I say "What's that?" You say, bruv.

"What's that?"

..bruv.

What's that?

Bruv!

Right, that'll be £15.26 please, bruv.

Right, now for the second verse.

HE SIGHS

What's that, what's that. What's that, bruv?!

Ha-ha-ha. Bruv. Meaning "mate".

A shortened version of the word brother.

A term coined to label a particularly close friend.

First used in the deepest depths of South London.

Now universally used as a term of affection.

Hello, can you hear me? It's time for Chatty Mates.

-Hi!

-You all right? How you doin', you good?

-Yeah, good, good.

-Good.

Hey, you'll never guess who contacted me!

Who?

-Sasio.

-Sasio?

-Yeah, cheap Sasio.

-Doesn't ring a tone.

-You know, one-ding Sasio.

-Oh, pay-as-you-go Sasio?

Yeah, no-money-to-ring-home Sasio.

Oh, every-day-she's-rushing-it Sasio?

-That's the Sasio.

-Oh, what did she want, eh?

I thought she couldn't take the calls that she picks up,

let alone make a call.

Yeah, that's what I thought

but it turns out she gets free weekend calls.

-Oh, shut up!

-That's what I told her to do.

Yeah, she was rabbiting on about her 3G problems like she was

pay monthly or something.

What 3G problems?

Yeah, tell me about it.

I was like, "My battery's dying, yeah, got to go".

Oh, my gosh, you pulled the old battery trick on her, did ya?

Yeah, absolutely, I was like, "Oh, what a shame,"

she was like gutted.com!

-Oh, you didn't?

-I said I did, didn't I?

But don't worry, she won't be contacting us any time soon.

-No?

-No, I told her I lost my charger

so I was going to be like totally off the grid.

-Oh, my gosh, so she believed you?

-Yeah, absolutely.

Oh, my gosh, she's calling, she's calling me,

she's calling, what do I do, what do I do?

-What do I do?

-Send her through to voicemail.

Oh, my gosh, I can't, I'm going to have to take it.

I'll talk to you later, yeah. Byee! Byee! Byee!

Speak to you tomorrow b-b-b-bye-b-b-bye!

You all right? How's it goin' Sasio, you good yeah, good yeah?

Hey, Shelly!

Yeah I'm good, oh my gosh, Sasio you'll never guess what

Moby's been saying about you behind your back?!

Do you want to hear the goss?

What, Moby's been talking about me?

Yeah, yeah, you'll never guess what he's been saying about you.

That's funny. I thought Moby didn't have any batteries.

Oh, what is she like?!

Johnny and Inel need to get everyone excited about their

new plans for a dance craze.

Guys. You all ready for our awesome Harlem Shake video?

Brendan, Brendan, if you can't dance

and dance real good you need to tell me now.

I didn't know I'd need to be able to dance.

Yeah.

-Well, I'll give it a try.

-Great! When you're ready.

Here we go!

Here he is! It's all yours.

Rhythm is a friend.

You do it. You do it.

HE HUMS THE DAVID BRENT DANCE

Oh, I don't want to watch. My eyes keep making me look.

What is he doing?

Brendan, Brendan, Brendan, you look puffed out, mate, do you want to

sit this one out?

Yeah.

Yeah, mate, that was real good.

-Cheers, everyone.

-Well done.

Thank you.

LAUGHTER

CLEARS HIS THROAT

COUGHING

Just get my stuff.

HE HUMS AGAIN

Next up, Rampz!

We're back at the Rampz

and today I'm joined by Daryl.

How are you doing, Daryl?

Yeah, first up let me say, quick shout out to my little nephew,

Nathan... yeah.

Cos I'm his role model, obviously, yeah.

Shout out to my girl Gwyneth.

Love you, babe, yeah.

Check you later. Shout out to my boy Leon, yeah.

Extreme biker, yeah,

AKA Beast On A Saddle!

This man... yeah.

And our motto is... We like to bike.

You know what I mean? Clack, clack!

I wonder why Chad's not skating today?

Ha! That's easy, that's easy, cos I told him not to.

And two, the bikers have all gone.

Wh-why have you done that?

Cos, you know what, yeah, this clown here, this clown is telling people

that he's the king of the rampz. He's telling you, man.

Yeah. So, I thought, it's about time he learnt his lesson.

And I'm the one to teach him that.

Imagine, yeah... there's like a lion on a bike, yeah.

An antelope on a skateboard, yeah.

What do you think is going to happen?

Well, I'd imagine they'd both fall off?

Yeah, but the lion's going to win, innit?

Right, I'm sure it would.

So, do you always have the stabilisers on your bike?

Yeah, course. Course, man.

So you can stand up straight, innit? Look, look, look...

No hands.

-PHONE RINGS

-Is that your phone?

One sec, one sec, yeah. One sec...

Hello? Oh, Mum, Mum! Yeah, yeah, yeah, Mummy

No, no, no, don't come, don't come.

Yeah, no, I got it, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah... No, I'll tidy it up.

I said that.

I'm sorry.

I said "sorry"!

Right...

Erm, obviously, man's got a bit of an emergency to deal with, still.

-Sure.

-No worries. I'll catch you lot later, yeah?

-OK.

Safe. Hey, Leon.

-Let's get out of here, man.

-All right, well, bye, Daryl.

Oh, and it looks like we might actually see some action here...

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

That's too...

-Or...not.

-Let's go this way.

Er, now it's time for, like, the best part of the show - me!

BLONDIE GIGGLES

Ruby has never had a boyfriend in her entire life

so me and Michelle have decided to take it upon ourselves

to find her one, cos we're such good friends!

And we've decided that Robbie is like the best match out of

everybody in the entire year!

Because he's the same age.

And both their names begin with R.

And...he has a job.

Paper round...

OK, so what should I say to him?

You've got to text him in a way that he'll not only understand

but it spells out your intentions,

so that you don't get mucked about like some floozy.

-Do you get me?

-Look, Rubes, come over here!

Gosh. Just text him -

Wagwan, what's good, Robbie?

let's link up, still.

No long-term.

I'm, like, your girl.

-It's easy.

-Perfect.

-So, how many kisses should I send?

-Three.

-Three!

Oh, my gosh, Michelle! She's not having his baby.

-Two, then?

-Two?! Rubes, if you send two kisses you

look like you're a girl desperate for a man.

You said I was desperate for a man, though.

Yeah, you did say yesterday at lunch that she were 14 years single.

Yes, I did say that but he doesn't need to know, though.

Oh, my gosh, you girls have got a lot to learn.

But what if he just says he doesn't like me?

Or if he's already seeing someone else. Or worse...?

He doesn't even reply?!

THEY GASP

Oh, if that happened, I wouldn't be able to live with myself!

Well, you're going

to have to cos you take all the same classes as him, Rubes.

Oh, that is so true, Michelle, oh, my gosh.

You're going to have to live with the shame

until you finish your GCSEs at least.

Oh, no!

And then your A-Levels. And then if he decides to stay in

higher education and attends the same university as you

and conveniently takes the same courses and modules

and extra-curricular activities as you, you're going to have to

live with the shame of that, as well.

BOTH: Oh, my dizzy-dizzy days!

That's pain!

It's a hard-nut life. Nobody said relationships were easy.

My gosh, even I have an ex.

Er, yes, I have an ex. Yeah, I know that stays on my relationship record,

yes, I totally understand there's no hiding from that...EVER!

But, I've learnt to accept that and move forward in my life.

ALL GASP

Whoa! Rubes, how many kisses did you send?

-One!

-Oh, for crying out loud, Rubes!!

I really hope Robbie replies.

Because if he doesn't reply...

Then that's Ruby's street cred finished! Done!

Ciao! Arrivederci!

Au revoir. Laters!

BOTH: Well...?

OMG! He replied.

BOTH SHRIEK

Now time for Beanie and Fro Fro!

Eh, Beanie!

Mmm. What?

Where are you originally from?

Oh, well, I come from the sunny island of Jamaica.

Oh, right.

Yeah, man.

Well, Beanie, can you shut up, please?

What you say?

I said can you shut up, please, cos Jamaica-me angry!

Ha-ha-ha!

Not find you funny, Fro Fro, and now you mock me heritage.

Oh, Beanie. They're just jokes!

And now back to the salon with flamboyant hairdresser Ernesto

and his side-kick, Julio.

Welcome.

Once, David Attenborough, he came to me - he said...

WHISTLING SILENCE

Julio, play some music.

Sure thing, Ernesto.

# Ahhh! Ahhh! #

VINYL SCRATCHES

Julio, remix.

# Agghhh, agghhh... #

Julio...

-VINYL SCRATCHES

-..add some seagull.

# Ahh!

# Ahh! #

I have it! Twigs.

HE SINGS BADLY

Feather.

Leaves.

HE SQUAWKS

I am done.

Voila!

Oh!

-I don't like it.

-Julio!

-VOICEOVER:

-Back to Johnny and Inel's quest to make the next dance craze

with the Harlem Shake.

MUSIC: "Harlem Shake" by Baauer

Oh, that is definitely going viral.

Yes! Haha!

Hold on, hold on, you guys are like 20 months too late.

You're not going to get a viral video just copying other people.

Sorry, who is this guy again?

He's right, you need to be original, pioneering, Bafta-winning.

An original dance craze, eh?

I can do it. I've really fancied myself as a good choreographer.

-Really?

-I think maybe we should bring someone in to help.

Yeah, that's good thinking. ALL TALK OVER EACH OTHER

I said I'll do it. Look, look.

Dinah, look at this. This is for free.

A-hem!

While they sort themselves out, let's see who Johnny Kyle's

got on the show today.

On today's Johnny Kyle Show, we have royalty in the studio,

and one of her subjects is being a little bit of a pain.

So, let me get this straight.

You want him to lie to you because your self-esteem is being affected?

Precisely what I've been trying to tell you, Kyle.

It's self-esteem - I can't affect that.

I don't want him to lie.

I just want him to tell me what he used to tell me.

And what I used to tell you, Queenie,

just doesn't apply any more.

Face it, you're not the fairest of them all.

Far from it, in fact.

-SHE SOBS

-Oh, here we are again.

Crocodile tears, right on queue.

You're quite the bitter little pane of glass, aren't you?

Me? And I bet she left out the small detail of her threatening me.

Poppycock!

Why would he lie?

What about the time you said you were going to smash me

-in with a hammer?

-Barefaced lies!

Sit down!

I'm the only one who stands up on the Johnny Kyle Show.

-Thank you, Kyle.

-Continue.

-As I was saying,

if it's all lies then what is this?

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all? Hmm?

What do you plan on doing with that? Put it down! Put it down!

It better be me cos I've got a hammer.

Explain yourself.

It's so unfair. Look at me!

I am beautiful!

Yes, you used to be beautiful, dear,

but sadly that's not the case any more.

See, what she seems to be forgetting is, Kyle,

that I've seen many queens come and go.

She's not exactly the king's first, if you know what I mean.

SHE SOBS

Now, you've both said some hurtful things to each other.

-Her more than me.

-He's done far more...

Stop trying to point score. This is the Johnny Kyle Show.

Now, I'm not asking you to lie.

I'm just asking you to look beyond the beauty on the outside

and tell her how beautiful she is on the inside.

Fine. Ask me the question.

Go on!

Mirror, mirror on the wall,

who is the fairest of them all? (Say me.)

The fairest of them all is...

DRUMROLL

Johnny Kyle.

APPLAUSE

SHE SOBS

Right, now that's done, who's next?

Have Johnny and Inel found someone to help them

come up with a new dance craze?

Yes, I think so.

It's Akai.

MUSIC: "Earthquake" by Labrinth

Yeah! Ha-ha!

That was serious! Wicked moves there, Akai.

Yeah, it was all right.

You know, a few crowd pleasers in there.

Bit familiar, innit? I mean, pop-lockin', who can't do that?

What? You think you can do better?

-Yeah. Go on, Inel, show 'em.

-What?

Show 'em some dance moves, let's go.

Hey, I thought we got Akai in for consultation not competition.

Akai, can you help us come up with a new dance craze?

-Yeah, I can try.

-Yeah, that's what I thought.

-Now you try some.

-OK.

-Goes through there, yeah?

-Yeah, man. One, two...

Yeah...

not really my style.

I'm more an off-beat mover.

Check this out.

BOTH LAUGH

HE SCREAMS

That was hilarious. Can you do that again?

That's a new low for you, Inel, laughing at other people's pain.

Oh, hold up.

LAUGHTER

HE SCREAMS

Do you see? Look, Inel, I think I've got it.

Look, they're doing it.

HE GROANS

LAUGHTER

I've got it. I've got it!

Sinead in Dublin town says, "Akai has the best moves.

"Johnny #twoleftfeet."

And now...

for the first time...

on British television...

world exclusive.

It's the dance craze that is sweeping the nation.

The electric shock!

# Are you ready to rock?

# Are you ready to rock?

# Are you ready to rock?

# Electric shock!

# Shock!

# Shock!

# Shock

# Shock

# Shock

# Shock

# Shock... #

BELL TOLLS

# Shock

# Electric shock

# Shock

# Shock

# Electric shock

# Electric shock

# Electric shock

This is amazing, Inel. I can feel it going viral right now.

I wouldn't have thought so. I haven't put it online yet.

What? Then do it then, Inel!