Episode 7 The Johnny & Inel Show

Hello and welcome to the Johnny And Inel Show, guys.

ALARM RINGS

# My alarm wakes me up I'm ready to rise

# I splash some water on my face to get the sleep out my eyes

# The sun's out shining I'd better stop rhyming

# As Mum's always telling me "Fix up your timing!"

# Now we've got a show on CBBC

# Sure all of my fans will be out to see me

# Get set cos the time is here

# Now sit back, relax and get ready to cheer

BOTH: # We're doing well as you can tell

# So here comes the show with Johnny

# And Inel."

Let's see what's coming up on today's Johnny And Inel Show.

Lucy Spraggan.

# Come say it to me... #

Blondie.

I'll be right back after this break.

This guy!

Top bants, Noris.

It's £850, please.

-It's a banana.

-Well, it says "Laptop £850."

And now it's time for the studio. Let's meet the crew.

She runs the show.

Last year's runner and now he calls the shots.

She spins the wheels on the J&I decks.

He just wants to be famous - but not on my watch!

Welcome to the Johnny And Inel Show.

Oh, Jonny, I thought you said you were going to pick me up

in the car, mate.

Yeah, sorry about that, mate. There wasn't enough room in the car.

Not enough room in the car?

Oh, I know what this is.

Cos you've got your new girlfriend, isn't it? JoJo.

Hiya, Inel.

All right?

Yeah, JoJo likes to take a route that doesn't pass your house.

You what? I live next door to you, mate.

-Thanks, JoJo.

-Yeah, anyway, let's do a Greet Of The Week, shall we?

Yeah, I got a good one. Right, what we're going to do is...

SHE CLICKS HER FINGERS

-What is it?

-TLA.

-What's TLA?

-Do it.

Go on!

True Love Always.

-Do it!

-Yeah, I will.

-Do it now.

-In front of everyone?

For me?

WHISPERING: TLA. TLA.

AUDIENCE: Awww!

Come on, everybody - TLA.

HE GAGS

-Yeah, you can stop.

-TLA, mate (!)

I tell you what, everyone, we should do a love heart Greet Of The Week.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

HE MAKES EXPLOSION SOUND

-Stop.

-Why don't you cut to a sketch, boys?

Yeah, good thinking, JoJo.

-John-John.

-SHE CLICKS HER FINGERS

Oh, mate, you ain't going to go over there

after she clicked her fingers, are you?

-You're just jealous, mate.

-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah.

She clicking her fingers like you're a dog or something?

On your own again?

Oh, it's like that, is it?

Did you see that? Did you that look she gave me?

AUDIENCE: Awww!

I'm good man, I'm cool, I'm cool, I'm cool.

Get ready for WWJI, let the crazy battles begin!

FIGHT BELL RINGS

Tonight, we finally get to see the Weather Man

take on the Hairdresser!

I'm going to take you downtown.

To the Northwest coast of Ireland,

where it's surprisingly chilly for this time of year.

And you won't have a coat!

Visibility is less than three feet.

So you won't see me coming!

High or low, I don't feel pressure.

Oh, yeah? Well, you need a wash, a cut, and a blow-dry.

And I'm the guy to make that happen.

Imma perm your hair so tight

your brain gone hurt.

FIGHT BELL RINGS

Do not miss out on this epic event. Tickets go on sale midnight tonight.

Make sure you have permission to stay up that late.

Right, let's go and see what Blondie's been up to.

Uh, yeah, it's time for me!

Since I was so popular on the Johnny And Inel Show last year,

the BBC have decided to give me my own show!

Standard!

You actually look even more radiant every time I see you.

Oh, Noris.

'Noris Gloris is, like, the biggest cheeseman, ever.'

Beautiful flowers for a beautiful lady.

Oh, my gosh!

Noris Gloris thinks he's proper clev, using my show as a vehicle

to push his career to bigger and better things.

I don't think so, Noris! Nobody - I mean, nobody! - uses Blondie!

No-one.

And that's when I said to him,

"I'll be right back after this break."

This guy!

-Top bants, Noris.

-I know.

I can't wait to tell my friends at school that joke, Mr Gloris.

-Eh, what friends?

-Blondie.

Well, it's true. Everybody knows he hasn't got any friends.

You, sir, are one funny brother from another mother.

Why thank you, Cornelius. Did you get all that?

You get all that?

And you, Cornelius, you're one very fascinated fellow.

Your book has to be in the top ten books I've ever read.

-But you've only read, like, ten books.

-Blondie!

Well, it's true. I bet he hasn't even read yours.

What's Grandad Cornelius' book called, if you're such a fan?

-You don't have to answer that, Noris.

-No, no, it's fine.

-I've been fortunate enough to have read it several times.

-Well?

Stop stalling.

-Oh, well...

-What's it called?

Uh...

KNIFE CLATTERS

Oh, I dropped my knife on the floor.

Cornelius' book is called The Dictionary Of What Kids Say.

And I think you'll find, on page 32, that is what is what as known as

"a burn."

That's the one, good fellow. Burn indeed.

Page 32.

-Extra chicken for you?

-Oh, please.

Thank you. Looks much better on my plate than yours, doesn't it?

Succulent.

Checkmate.

SHE SHRIEKS

-Where do you think you're going, young lady?

-I'm going to my room!

It's fine, Denise, leave her to it.

Don't let her ruin what has been a splendid evening.

-I'm having a fantastic time, aren't you?

-I'm loving it.

Brown sauce guy. Anyone remember that?

Who forgot about that one?

Let's get back to the studio!

CHEERING

-New outfit, is it, Johnny?

-Oh, this? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's just get on with it, shall we?

Hey, hey, and welcome back to the Johnny And Inel Show.

Aaaand cut!

What's going on? What you doing?

What is she doing?

I'm sorry, Inel, what you said, it's not working.

I just said, "Hey, hey."

It's not funny. And it's affecting the John-John performance.

-Is it?

-Yes, it is!

He is holding you back. Can't you see?

-Ouch!

-She is really starting to get on my nerves.

Do you know what? I'm just going to go for lunch.

-See you later.

-Bye.

AUDIENCE: Awww!

Inel!

-You can't do this, we're rehearsing.

-Hello!

Focus on the clicks!

Do you think I like having to come out here and save your show?

He is holding you back.

Listen to me, John-John.

I. Know. What's. Best. For. You.

And. It. Is. Not. Inel.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

-How about a Mo Show?

-Now you're really starting to get on my nerves.

No? OK.

Where's Inel gone?

I think I need to go and sit down.

SHE SIGHS

Hello! What do I need to do to get a drink round here? Mo!

Hey.

-Drink!

-Oh, sorry!

Cos I'm Mo, get your drinks.

Who's turned up at the checkout for Rody and Boyyer?

Oh, yo! Voice-over, bruv. Baggit!

-All right, lady-bruv?

-Yeah. Just like to buy that, please.

BEEP!

That's £850, please.

What do you mean?

£850.

Uh, yeah, but it's a banana.

Well, it says, "Laptop, £850."

-But it's a banana.

-Well, that's not what the till says there.

-But I think...

-Please don't argue with the till, bruv.

Look.

It's a banana.

You just destroyed an £850 laptop, bruv!

What? Where you going, bruv?

You can't... Security!

Sorry about that, bruv, you just get people trying it sometimes.

BEEP!

One cauliflower.

That'll be 17 pence, please, bruv.

Nice.

See you later, Rudy. Let's get back to Johnny and Inel.

-You all right?

-All right?

See you went for the special.

Yeah, spag ball. Can't go wrong, man.

Um...

-where's JoJo?

-Giving notes to the director.

I know, I know. She's got to go.

-Yep.

-It's just about how I say it now.

-I'm going to break her heart, bless her.

-Break her heart?

She hasn't got a heart.

If she does, it's made of stone.

TAPE REWINDS

# I've known Inel for years

# He's a nice guy

# I'm just tellin' you, Johnny

# That he will tell you lies

# You're the liar

# He's never betrayed me once

# Now what about you?

# I'd never betray you, Johnny

# Inel would say that, too

# I'm sorry

# But blaming it on Inel

# That's just real low

# I'm just warning you, Johnny

# He wants to be the star of the show

# Do you think?

# I've always suspected that might be his plan

# I'm not his biggest fan

# But I want what's best for my man

# Stop hangin' round him

# Don't like how you sound here

# I'm not controlling

# But his ego's outstanding

# But why you gotta fight him?

# Cos I don't like him

# I've known him for too long

# I think you've got it wrong

# Go in there and shake his hand

# And tell him that he is the man

# Cos I can tell you don't like Inel

# You better find him and make up

# If you don't want us to break up

-# Choose me

-I can't choose

-# Choose me

-Can't choose

-# Choose me

-Can't choose

-# Choose me

-Don't make me choose

-# Choose me

-Can't choose

-# Choose me

-Can't choose

# Choose me, choose me now

# You really better start choosing. #

FINGERS CLICK

All right, here goes.

-Think there's going to be some tears before bedtime.

-Yup.

Wish me luck.

Good luck with that, Johnny. It's not going to be easy.

Right, I could do with a haircut,

but I don't think I'll go to The Salon. What if I don't like it?

Welcome

to the great Ernesto's

Salon.

And me, Julio.

Captain Black of the Jolly Roger once said to me...

Julio, play me some music!

MUSIC: "What Makes You Beautiful" By One Direction

Julio, don't be so ridiculous. You know I can't stand pop.

SEA SHANTY PLAYS

I have it! Julio, I have it!

-Cannon ball.

-Cannon ball.

BOING!

BOING!

BOING!

I am finished.

BOING!

It is complete.

Voila!

Oh!

I don't like it!

-Julio, this was your fault.

-Me?

-Fire!

Fire!

Fire!

Ernesto, I made it.

BIRDS TWEET

Hey, it's time to check out Beenie and Fro Fro.

Yo, Beenie.

Oh, what you want this time, Fro Fro?

Guess what I got for you, Beenie?

Another one of your silly jokes no doubt.

That's dead...

You're, like, a mind-reader.

I'm well impressed.

Mercy!

What do you call the boy sat under a cow?

Me not care.

Pat.

HE LAUGHS

That's disgusting!

Oh, they're just jokes!

I wonder how Johnny's getting on with JoJo.

-Look, JoJo, I've got something to say.

-Well, can we hurry up?

I've got some notes to give the producer.

I hope it's not bad news.

Oh, it's not bad news.

It's more how I see...what I think's best for both of us.

Really? OK.

-I'm waiting.

-Well, it's just how I see us moving forward.

I... You... We...

Well, come one, John-John, spit it out.

I...

want to break up with you.

You what?!

THUNDER RUMBLES

I said, will you marry me?

Oh.

Well, I wasn't expecting this.

HE SIGHS

Oh, Johnny. Did you tell her? How did it go, then?

Yeah. Yeah, mate.

Hey, Jonny, you did the right thing, mate.

Did I?

No, it's not your fault. I'll see you later.

I like this Noris fellow. He has very good taste.

I've definitely struck gold with Noris.

I would love for Mr Cloris to give a talk at our school one time.

Because he is a fascinating...

Stimulating individual. It's been a long time

since I've had such riveting conversation at the dinner table.

It's usually talk about Beyonce.

But Noris has really switched things up around ours.

I mean, he's brightened up the whole evening.

Is this guy ever going to leave?

Great company, funny anecdotes. I give Noris Gloris...

When is he going to leave? When is he going to leave?

My family all adore him, apart from Blondie.

I really like him.

I can't fault him. He's perfect.

I'm giving him a 10.

Just breathe. Breathe in.

What do I think?

Well, I think the evening's going rather well.

Guys, do you mind if I have a quick moment alone with Denise?

Sure thing, Mr Gloris.

Fine. I can take a hint.

Now for the icing on the cake.

Denise, I haven't known you for a long time

but there is one thing about my future that I am sure of.

And that's that I want you

and your wonderful family to be a part of my life.

Oh, that's so cute, Noris.

Are you getting this?

Denise, will you do me the honour of making me the happiest man alive?

Will you marry me?

Oh, my golly, golly,

go-o-o-o-o-sh!

Shall we say au revoir?

The world does not revolve around you?

-Are you trying to say I'm selfish?

-Yes, I am, young lady.

Let's get back to the studio.

All the way from her auditions on X Factor to her successful UK

-and Irish tours. ..

-Now headlining the Johnny And Inel Show, guys,

give it up for Lucy Spraggan.

MUSIC: "Paper Dreams" by Lucy Spraggan

# Got my feet on the ground but I know where my heart is

# Writing a song doesn't make me an artist

# Tryna get somewhere, try my hardest

# Somewhere now and I haven't even started yet

# I've got so much to do

# But I'm too tired to put on my shoes

# And walk to the next stop in jeans and a vest top

# With last nights pizza that I'll eat the rest of

# Friend of a friend, I met and I hated

# Unfortunately he thought he was amazing

# You and me minus your VIP

# Means you got a fatter wallet but we're pretty much the same thing

# I'll admit that I could look fitter

# I might get jealous but I'll never be a quitter

# Stumble on your heels while I do up my shoelace

# I might be a witch but I'll never be two faced

# Say what I want and do what I do

# I have my own friends and they hate you too

# You have to give respect to get respect

# Crawling back under your rock is your best bet

# And if you've got something interesting that's worth me listening

# Come say it to me

# But if you can't be nice then shut your mouth

# I'll drift away and chase my paper dreams

# Cos I'll never be the person that everyone else want me to be

# I've got my hands in the air but I'm still dreaming

# I'm half lazy half human being

It's hard to think when your brain's on the ceiling

# I might do the robot but I've got feelings, yes

# And you'll agree with me

# Even if I look stupid I'm pretty happy

# If you're having fun don't care what you look like

# As long as you're smiling then you've got the game right

# And if you've got something interesting that's worth me listening

# Come say it to me

# But if you can't be nice then shut your mouth

# I'll drift away and chase my paper dreams

# Cos I'll never be the person that everyone else want me to be

# You can love me or hate me

# You can love me or hate me

# You can love me or hate me

# You can love me or hate me

# Love me

# Hate me

# Love me

# Hate me

# Love me

# Hate me. #

CHEERING

Let's crack on with the studio.

Look's like Mo's got a delivery for Johnny.

Got some kind of letter.

Cheers, mate.

All right, mate!

-JoJo:

-'Dear John-John,

'things are moving all too quickly for me,

'especially now that Jim-Jim has come through from LA.

'Thanks for the memories.

'I hope this doesn't completely shatter your confidence.

'You're a nice guy with a good heart

'and I'm sure there's someone out there just for you.

'Send my love to Inel.

'JoJo.'

You all right, Johnny?

Reading fan mail, are we?

It's JoJo, she's broke up with me.

Yeah!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, hold on, hold on.

-I thought you said you already broke up with her?

-Yeah. Yeah, I did.

I broke up with her and then, weirdly,

she still thinks that she can break up with me. Crazy!

And now she's going on about some new guy. Jim-Jim, apparently.

-I mean, what kind of name is that? "Jim-Jim."

-I don't know, "John-John."

HE CLICKS HIS FINGERS

All right!

THEY ALL CLICK THEIR FINGERS

All right, all right! Let that go, let that go.

Stop clicking!

You're bitter, you are. Jealous.

-Me?

-Jealous.

-All right.

-Yeah.

HE CLICKS HIS FINGERS

All because I got a girlfriend? You're that jealous, are you?

I'm not jealous at all, mate.

Yeah, don't even bother me, anyway.

Now I no longer have a girlfriend,

who I broke up - for you, may I add - what say you about bowling tonight?

-Ooh, ahh.

-Come off it, Inel, you've never got plans.

Actually, there's a funny story about the plans, actually.

WOMAN WHISTLES

Coming, lovely. Two minutes.

What was that?

It's date night. Yeah. Got to go.

You couldn't hurry up and say "We got to keep making it look good,"

-could you?

-Betrayed me.

-Hurry it up.

We'll keep making it look good.

The only way Johnny and Inel could.

-See you later.

-Hit the music.

BELL RINGS

THEME MUSIC PLAYS

Everybody say... Oh!