Episode 9 The Johnny & Inel Show

Hello, and welcome to The Johnny and Inel Show, guys!

ALARM RINGS

# My alarm wakes me up I'm ready to rise

# I splash some water on my face to get the sleep out of my eyes

# The sun's out shining I better stop rhyming

# As Mum's always telling me Fix up your timing

# Now we got a show on CBBC

# Sure all of my fans will be happy to see me

# It's sick cos the time is here

# Now sit back, relax and get ready to cheer

# We're doing well as you can tell

-# So here comes the show with Johnny

-And Inel. #

'Coming up on today's show...'

# Gonna win... #

'Blondie!'

And anything you three produce is going to be...

wickedy-wickedy-wickedy...wah.

'Baggit!'

Hurry up. Yeah?

Well, you only have a few items.

You should be able to carry them in your arms.

-If not, you'd better get on the weights, bruv.

-Exactly, bruv.

'Chatty Mates!'

-Are you even listening to me?

-I didn't hear you, what did you say?

Look, I'm in a public space, I cannot keep repeating myself.

'Now it's time for the studio.

'But first, Johnny and Inel are in a production meeting.'

Come on, then. Are we going to crack on with this meeting?

-BLONDIE:

-Now to make things more interesting.

DOOR LOCK CLICKS

What the...

It's locked! I think someone's locked us in here.

OK! Joke's over.

Look, open up now, and after a brief telling-off from me,

we'll forget this ever happened.

-BLONDIE:

-'The show's about to start. Where are Johnny and Inel?

'Oh, well, I guess I'm going to have to take over.'

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

Whoa!

Hi, thank you.

Oh, my days. Hello, audience!

-ALL:

-Hello!

Say - oh my golly gosh, it's Blondie!

Oh, my golly gosh, it's Blondie!

Say - libertyyy!

Libertyyy!

'Meanwhile, back at the meeting...'

Seriously, guys, the show started two minutes ago.

Please open the door!

I'm claustrophobic. Small spaces make me panic.

Johnny is panicking, Brennan, what are you going to do?

Er...panic?

No, Brennan, that is not what we need to do.

The show started two minutes and 15 seconds ago!

And I had a good Greet of the Week as well. It was like...

'Meanwhile, back in the studio...'

Hold up. What's going on here?

You think you can come out on this show

and start throwing your weight around

like some jumped-up, starry-eyed schoolgirl?

Oh, my gosh. That's like disrespect right there, Johnny Kyle!

I'll tell you what's disres... What are you laughing at?

I'll tell you what's disrespect - you coming out here

on the studio floor, and thinking that you own this audience.

I'll tell you what. Someone needs to have a conversation with you

about how this Johnny and Inel takeover's going to run!

Takeover? Did you hear that, Inel? The characters are taking over.

-I knew it was that Blondie. Never trusted her.

-Hey, slow down,

I don't think Blondie can take all the blame.

Look at that Johnny Kyle geezer. He's a nasty man.

It's never happy-ever-after when HE'S about.

Brennan! I thought I told you to keep an eye on these characters.

Look - Kyle's a loose cannon, and Blondie's ego's way out of control.

You know - I'M easy to control. I'm fun, funny. Full of charm.

I'm ready for any opportunity.

Brennan. Brenno.

Bren-bren-dran.

Oh, jog on.

Why don't you go and make me a tea or something -

and keep your big head out of my show.

Your show? I think you'll find it's my show as well.

-THEY BICKER

-You're not even that funny.

You're not even funny!

Right! We can all be quiet now.

Mo - it's not The Mo Show, so button it.

Producer, stop blaming Brennan. Sometimes it IS your fault.

No, Brennan - it's mainly your fault, so get a clue.

Now - Johnny, Inel, you're supposed to be a double act,

so get it together.

Now, unless anyone has an idea of how to get us out of here,

I suggest we all be quiet, and let we listen to my music. For once!

That was rude.

'Well, Gayle the DJ has come out of her shell.

'Whilst we try to get out of the green room,

'let's check out who's wrestling - WWJI-style!'

Tonight we finally get to see one of the most anticipated

matches of the decade.

It's The Footballer...

versus The Whistler!

Agh!

That's got to be red.

-You've been warned.

-Right -

I'm about to take things into stoppage time!

As I put a stop to your career.

You are about to see the flair of a real pro footballer.

-Can't be half-time already!

-Nice cup of tea.

Stop breaking up the game, this isn't American football!

You're darn right it ain't.

Oh, come on, you can't blow for that.

If you blow your whistle one more time,

I'm about to take things into injury time!

-BELL RINGS

-The knockout stages.

Exclusive pay-per-view event, only on WWJI this Super Sunday.

'Have you ever wondered what happens

'when you're not looking at your phone? Here's Chatty Mates.'

-You all right?

-You all right? Good, yeah?

-Yeah, good.

-Good, yeah, good.

-Hey, you'll never guess what I just heard.

-What is it? Tell me.

Well, only like the most important news ever.

Oh, my gosh, you gotta let me know. What is it?

Moby...? What's the news? Moby.

-Hello?

-Hello? What happened?

-I went through a tunnel, didn't I?

-Why, where are you headed?

-That's what I was trying to tell ya.

-Yeah? What you going to tell me?

What you going to say?

What was it?

Hello...?

-Did you get all that?

-Get what?

-The stuff about the baby.

-What baby?

Hello?

-This is well frustrating.

-That's why I'm going there, to reject it.

Reject what, the baby?

-Are you even listening to me?

-I didn't hear a word you said.

Look, I'm in a public space, I cannot keep repeating myself.

Especially the stuff about the soft pouch and the hard case.

Well, you keep cutting your conversation short.

Look, it's not my fault where they build these silly tunnels.

Look, just let me get in. What are you trying to say?

Right, OK. Basically...

-BEEP

-Basically...

-Oh, no! I'm running low on battery, I've gotta go.

-Oh! What are you like?

APPLAUSE

'On today's Johnny Kyle Show, we have Frankenstein's monster,

'who's ready to bare his soul.'

So tell me one more time. What's the matter?

HE GRUNTS

What are you saying?

HE GRUNTS

What even IS that?

HE GRUNTS

What did you say about my mum?!

I've had enough of this guy, get him out of here!

Excuse me... Sorry, I can speak Monster.

Really?

Uh-huh.

Well, maybe you can translate for us, eh,

find out what this beast is actually trying to say.

OK.

SHE GRUNTS

HE GRUNTS IN REPLY

SHE GRUNTS AGAIN

HE GRUNTS AGAIN

Oh, I see.

-Well?

-He says he wants to find a wife.

You've got to be kidding me.

Look, this show is for people with real problems!

Like, their stepmothers have tried to poison 'em,

or an evil witch has eaten their brother.

Or they can't go home, because a troll is living under their bridge.

None of this nonsense! What d'you think this is, Take Me Out?

Cos I tell you what, son -

if it WAS Take Me Out all of your lights would have gone out.

You're a state! Get him out of here, guys!

HE GRUNTS IN PROTEST

Don't even try it! Brush your teeth.

It's The Johnny Kyle Show.

Do you know how many monsters I've dealt with like you?

You don't want none of this, mate...

HE GRUNTS AND SNARLS

Should see what I done to Humpty Dumpty, he's got a crack in his head.

Stay out!

Right... Now that's done, who's next?

'So let's find out what's happening

'in the Johnny and Inel takeover.'

So you've been lying to your mum?

That's the problem with this fairy tale...

Er, Kyle! What are you doing!

Hold up. When we signed up to this,

we both agreed that we'd have equal time on the studio floor.

Well, you've had your time, Blondie. Now it's my time. Kyle time.

Er, I don't think so, Kyle, in cloud-cuckoo-land. Thank you.

Everybody knows I'm the break-out star. Thank you.

And I still got my little bit to do,

so audience, can you say "Laters!"?

-ALL:

-Laters!

-Don't join in...

-Can you say, "Get out of here, please!"?

Get out of here, please!

She's an absolutely rude little girl.

-Can you say "Now!"?

-Now!

Don't you dare be so disresp...

Get your hands off me! I'll have you for this, Blondie.

You're bang out of order!

You know what? Scarier people than you have tried to stop Johnny Kyle!

And look where they are now! That's right - with my aftercare team!

Bye!

Ciao! Laters.

Right. Now it's time for the best part of the show.

The Only Way Is Blondie.

Well, clap, then!

Since I was so popular on The Johnny and Inel Show last year

the BBC have decided to give me my own show!

Standard!

PHONE RINGS Sorry, I really have to take this.

Hugo, talk to me.

You're taking a phone call mid-proposal?

Shall we say au revoir?

The world does not revolve round you.

Step out of your bubble, and focus on someone else for a change.

-Are you trying to say I'm selfish?

-Yes, I am, young lady.

Oh, my God, I want to die!

Oh, my gosh. I swear down my family make my life so difficult.

It's always about them, them, them. Never about me.

What have I got going on? Nothing. Zilch.

Sometimes being the coolest girl in school is like proper long.

You get me?

Just bring on some action.

Oh, my golly gosh! You're causin' a scene, sir!

Well, credit where credit is due, it was my idea to run a talent show.

To bring all the students together

and find the most talented pupil in the school.

-It's causing a real star.

-Let me see.

Stanton High's Got Talent?

Yeah, yeah. Find the most talented pupil in the school?

Don't need a competition for that. Obviously it's me.

-Oh, and you girls.

-Obviously.

-Obviously!

-Hey, it says you can win VIP tickets.

-Oh, my gosh.

First prize - VIP tickets, backstage, access all areas,

go where you want to, super special tickets

to Jynel's biggest concert to date?!

Oh, my golly gosh, it's Jynel!

Obviously, when I found out first prize was to meet Jynel

in person, I kept my composure.

Michelle and Ruby, on the other hand...

THEY SCREAM

The Jynel tickets were my idea.

Their second album's a real stormer.

-I love them!

-Who doesn't, Michelle?

-We definitely have to win this talent competition.

-Oh, yeah.

# We're gonna win - and step

# Gonna win - and back

# Gonna win - and back

# Gonna win - and step

# Gonna win - and push

# Gonna win - and step

# Gonna win - and push... #

Sorry to interrupt, but I thought I heard you say that

you were going to win the school talent competition?

I just wanted to come over here and correct you -

I think you'll find that I'm going to win.

And anything you three produce is going to be...

How do I put this nicely...?

Wickedy-wickedy-wickedy...wah.

Whatever, Shanice, oh my gosh.

You're so dumb, you keep forgetting the lyrics

to Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes.

Well, then, I guess this challenge is officially on.

-Oh, it's on, Shanice.

-It couldn't be any more on.

-Shanice, are you not listening? I just said it's on!

-On!

On, diddley-on.

Onny-onny on-on.

# On and on and on... #

I don't think she heard me, girls.

I said, it's on, on, on - on.

# On, on, on, on-on-on!

# On, on, on, on-on-on! #

Are you quite finished?

Not yet.

# On, on, on, on-on-on!

# On, on, on, on-on-on! #

Now I'm done.

On, on, on.

-# On and on and on... #

-ECHOING

You, Michelle, are officially out of the Destiny's Child

-Single Ladies super-talented dance group.

-What?!

Do you know what, Blondie, I'm done being friends with you.

You're well aggress.

What did you just say?

I said...we're done!

Laters!

'Looks like Blondie might be in a bit of bother with Ruby and Michelle.

'I could do with a haircut. But I don't think I'll go to The Salon.

What if I don't like it?

Welcome to the Great Ernesto's salon.

And me - Julio.

The great Bob Hoskins once said to me...

Julio! Play me some music.

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

Julio! I have it.

-Phone charger.

-Phone charger!

Julio! Tape.

Tape!

It is done! Voila!

Oh... I don't like it.

PHONE RINGS Julio!

Hello? Ah, yes. It's for you.

'Now let's get to the checkout and see Rudy and Boyyer.

'Baggit!'

Yo, bruv. You've only got a few items.

You might want to use self-checkout till.

We don't get involved with only a few items, you get me?

-We are highly-skilled checkout assistants.

-Mm.

-Don't time-waste.

Look, I'm in a bit of a rush, so can you just put those through?

Well, I can see you only got a few items

so you don't need a bag so I'm going to bounce, yeah?

No, I'd like a bag, please, just hurry up, yeah?

-Hurry up.

-You only have a few items,

you should be able to carry them in your arms.

If not, you'd better get on the weights, bruv.

Exactly. And every time you take a plastic bag,

that's bad for the environment.

You're acting like it's biodegradable, bruv.

Exactly. Do you know how long these things take to decompose, bruv?

If there was a nuclear war, the only thing that'd be left is

cockroaches and plastic bags.

Oh, just stick it in the bag, yeah?

Are you kidding, bruv? He's just told you how bad it is

for the environment, bruv. You got polar bears dying,

rising sea levels, bruv, tsunamis, bruv,

and all cos you can't carry your shopping, bruv.

-Now, are you sure you want a bag, bruv?

-Yeah, I'm sure.

Well, can I at least interest you in making that a Bag for Life, bruv?

No, Boyyer, she don't care about life...

besides, I ain't giving her a bag anyway.

I operate a strict "no bag for less than five items" policy.

-Good policy.

-I couldn't look my dog in the eye otherwise.

Yeah, just come on!

No, bruv, don't argue with me, I'm saving tomorrow's world.

-Sandwich - don't bag it!

-Nope.

-Drink - don't bag it.

-Nah.

-Mixed food - don't bag it.

-Ah.

-Weird thing with a duck on -

-don't bag it.

-Don't need it.

Y'all, next time you need to self-checkout, like we said -

save the planet.

Think green.

Do your thing.

Stay blessed.

Nice one...

I wonder who's taken over the studio this time?

Wagwan, peeps?

-ALL:

-WAGWAN!

-Rudy and Boyyer in the building.

-Do this.

Check this, check this! Pack of crisps...

-ALL:

-BAGGIT!

-Orange juice...

-BAGGIT!

-Bobble...

-BAGGIT!

-Smelly trainer...

Nah, nah, nah, nah.

Hold up, hold up.

No man, no man, that trainer's stinky, bruv.

That needs to go back where it belongs, do you get me?

Yeah, true. Boyyer is saying we can't bag it, guys, we can't bag it.

Seriously, though, I get what you're saying.

-Ain't no shop taking this back on returns, bruv.

-Mmm.

Wow, that smells worse than a smelly armpit, bruv.

That's what I'm saying, bruv, even if the man had the receipt and it

was still within the 28 days returns windows,

still wouldn't be happening, bruv.

LAUGHTER

-Nah, dreaming.

-Yes...

HE GROANS

Do you know what? Speaking about work, our shift starts in

-about five minutes, Boyyer, we need to jerk, bruv.

-Hmm.

Let me give the smelly trainer back to my man here

-and then we got to bounce.

-Cool, cool. I just thought a little

something was going down but it's a bit long, still. Let's go.

-Let's go, later, peeps, later, peeps.

-Nice one, yeah.

It's a disgrace.

What are those two doing out the supermarket and on our studio floor?

-Hmm. They were quite good, as well.

-That's not the point.

The point is...

-that you brought me in here, Inel.

-What?

We'll be running low on oxygen soon.

-You're going to have to stop breathing.

-Don't be silly.

If anyone has to stop breathing round here it's Brennan.

Hold it... hold it, hold it...

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With its patented shame resistant technology

you can disappear until the heat dies down.

Use our portable embarrassment hole to save you from

overbearing parental care!

Awkward beverage spillage!

Or public telling-off from a teacher.

Hold it...

Hold it!

I got it!

DIALS PHONE

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Schoolroom Solutions -

have your pocket money ready, cos we are happy to help.

CHATTERING DOWN LINE Oh, yes...

Course you can buy one, yeah, yeah. There are no refunds though...

OK, well I'll get it sent over to the studio right now.

Hey, everyone! Everyone! We can use this

-to take back the show!

-Yes!

-Form an orderly queue behind Inel,

and remember, health and safety is paramount -

we don't want any accidents.

Right, here I go!

Oh, it worked!

You all right, guys?

-ALL:

-Yeah.

-Good.

I love it when a jolly scheme comes together.

-ALL:

-WHOA!

I'm here. Here I come.

To save the day.

LAUGHTER

Where are they, these troublemakers?

Stop, don't start any trouble till they get here.

I specialise in trouble.

I'm just pleased to be back on the studio floor where we belong.

Oh, I hear you there, Johnny!

And...cut.

Wrap it up, please, we've run out of studio time.

THEY GROAN

CHEERING

Wow, man, what are you two doing here?

Newsflash, this is the Johnny and Inel Show, innit, guys?

-ALL:

-Yeah!

We're meant to be here, and double newsflash,

the only way is not Blondie.

Oh, my gosh, you're sounding just like Johnny Kyle right now.

How dare you try and kick us off our own show?

Er, for your information, the takeover was all Johnny Kyle's idea.

Oh, in fact, he threatened to cut The Only Way Is Blondie!

And I had to go along with him!

For my fans.

I knew it was Johnny Kyle. Always picking on the little man.

Er, does that mean I'm free to go, then, yeah?

All right. Yeah... See you, later.

-ALL: Bye!

-Bye, ciao! Auf wiedersehen.

Au revoir, arrivederci!

I'm just pleased we got our show back, Inel.

-I'm with you there, brother.

-Yeah, just in time to wrap it up.

-Oh.

-I suppose we'd better say goodbye, then?

-Fair enough.

Well, Johnny and Inel are going to keep making it look good.

The only way Johnny and Inel could, aha!

Hit the music!

BELL RINGS

-I'm so glad we didn't get involved in the takeover.

-We?

You, ya mean? You wanted to. If Johnny and Inel didn't get out

the green room when they did... boy! You were lucky!

-I'm born lucky!

-Lucky, Fro Fro. Just so you know,

no-one messes with my show and gets away with it.

Just a joke!

-Just a joke!

-Shampoo, afro comb, scissors...

Ahh!

-LAUGHTER

-Afro comb...! Heh-heh!

-What you laughing at, Beenie?

-Shampoo, heh-heh!

-You're out of order.

-They're just jokes, man.

-It is a joke.

-Mmm.

BELL RINGS