Episode 9 The Johnny & Inel Show


Episode 9

Comedy series. Someone has locked Johnny, Inel and the rest of the J and I crew in the production office. It turns out the sketch characters are taking over the show.


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Transcript


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Hello, and welcome to The Johnny and Inel Show, guys!

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ALARM RINGS

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# My alarm wakes me up I'm ready to rise

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# I splash some water on my face to get the sleep out of my eyes

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# The sun's out shining I better stop rhyming

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# As Mum's always telling me Fix up your timing

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# Now we got a show on CBBC

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# Sure all of my fans will be happy to see me

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# It's sick cos the time is here

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# Now sit back, relax and get ready to cheer

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# We're doing well as you can tell

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-# So here comes the show with Johnny

-And Inel. #

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'Coming up on today's show...'

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# Gonna win... #

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'Blondie!'

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And anything you three produce is going to be...

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wickedy-wickedy-wickedy...wah.

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'Baggit!'

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Hurry up. Yeah?

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Well, you only have a few items.

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You should be able to carry them in your arms.

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-If not, you'd better get on the weights, bruv.

-Exactly, bruv.

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'Chatty Mates!'

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-Are you even listening to me?

-I didn't hear you, what did you say?

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Look, I'm in a public space, I cannot keep repeating myself.

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'Now it's time for the studio.

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'But first, Johnny and Inel are in a production meeting.'

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Come on, then. Are we going to crack on with this meeting?

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-BLONDIE:

-Now to make things more interesting.

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DOOR LOCK CLICKS

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What the...

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It's locked! I think someone's locked us in here.

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OK! Joke's over.

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Look, open up now, and after a brief telling-off from me,

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we'll forget this ever happened.

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-BLONDIE:

-'The show's about to start. Where are Johnny and Inel?

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'Oh, well, I guess I'm going to have to take over.'

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CHEERING AND WHISTLING

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Whoa!

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Hi, thank you.

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Oh, my days. Hello, audience!

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-ALL:

-Hello!

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Say - oh my golly gosh, it's Blondie!

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Oh, my golly gosh, it's Blondie!

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Say - libertyyy!

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Libertyyy!

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'Meanwhile, back at the meeting...'

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Seriously, guys, the show started two minutes ago.

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Please open the door!

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I'm claustrophobic. Small spaces make me panic.

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Johnny is panicking, Brennan, what are you going to do?

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Er...panic?

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No, Brennan, that is not what we need to do.

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The show started two minutes and 15 seconds ago!

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And I had a good Greet of the Week as well. It was like...

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'Meanwhile, back in the studio...'

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Hold up. What's going on here?

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You think you can come out on this show

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and start throwing your weight around

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like some jumped-up, starry-eyed schoolgirl?

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Oh, my gosh. That's like disrespect right there, Johnny Kyle!

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I'll tell you what's disres... What are you laughing at?

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I'll tell you what's disrespect - you coming out here

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on the studio floor, and thinking that you own this audience.

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I'll tell you what. Someone needs to have a conversation with you

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about how this Johnny and Inel takeover's going to run!

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Takeover? Did you hear that, Inel? The characters are taking over.

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-I knew it was that Blondie. Never trusted her.

-Hey, slow down,

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I don't think Blondie can take all the blame.

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Look at that Johnny Kyle geezer. He's a nasty man.

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It's never happy-ever-after when HE'S about.

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Brennan! I thought I told you to keep an eye on these characters.

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Look - Kyle's a loose cannon, and Blondie's ego's way out of control.

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You know - I'M easy to control. I'm fun, funny. Full of charm.

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I'm ready for any opportunity.

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Brennan. Brenno.

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Bren-bren-dran.

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Oh, jog on.

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Why don't you go and make me a tea or something -

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and keep your big head out of my show.

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Your show? I think you'll find it's my show as well.

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-THEY BICKER

-You're not even that funny.

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You're not even funny!

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Right! We can all be quiet now.

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Mo - it's not The Mo Show, so button it.

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Producer, stop blaming Brennan. Sometimes it IS your fault.

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No, Brennan - it's mainly your fault, so get a clue.

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Now - Johnny, Inel, you're supposed to be a double act,

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so get it together.

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Now, unless anyone has an idea of how to get us out of here,

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I suggest we all be quiet, and let we listen to my music. For once!

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That was rude.

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'Well, Gayle the DJ has come out of her shell.

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'Whilst we try to get out of the green room,

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'let's check out who's wrestling - WWJI-style!'

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Tonight we finally get to see one of the most anticipated

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matches of the decade.

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It's The Footballer...

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versus The Whistler!

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Agh!

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That's got to be red.

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-You've been warned.

-Right -

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I'm about to take things into stoppage time!

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As I put a stop to your career.

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You are about to see the flair of a real pro footballer.

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-Can't be half-time already!

-Nice cup of tea.

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Stop breaking up the game, this isn't American football!

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You're darn right it ain't.

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Oh, come on, you can't blow for that.

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If you blow your whistle one more time,

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I'm about to take things into injury time!

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-BELL RINGS

-The knockout stages.

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Exclusive pay-per-view event, only on WWJI this Super Sunday.

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'Have you ever wondered what happens

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'when you're not looking at your phone? Here's Chatty Mates.'

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-You all right?

-You all right? Good, yeah?

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-Yeah, good.

-Good, yeah, good.

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-Hey, you'll never guess what I just heard.

-What is it? Tell me.

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Well, only like the most important news ever.

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Oh, my gosh, you gotta let me know. What is it?

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Moby...? What's the news? Moby.

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-Hello?

-Hello? What happened?

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-I went through a tunnel, didn't I?

-Why, where are you headed?

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-That's what I was trying to tell ya.

-Yeah? What you going to tell me?

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What you going to say?

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What was it?

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Hello...?

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-Did you get all that?

-Get what?

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-The stuff about the baby.

-What baby?

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Hello?

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-This is well frustrating.

-That's why I'm going there, to reject it.

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Reject what, the baby?

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-Are you even listening to me?

-I didn't hear a word you said.

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Look, I'm in a public space, I cannot keep repeating myself.

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Especially the stuff about the soft pouch and the hard case.

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Well, you keep cutting your conversation short.

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Look, it's not my fault where they build these silly tunnels.

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Look, just let me get in. What are you trying to say?

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Right, OK. Basically...

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-BEEP

-Basically...

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-Oh, no! I'm running low on battery, I've gotta go.

-Oh! What are you like?

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APPLAUSE

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'On today's Johnny Kyle Show, we have Frankenstein's monster,

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'who's ready to bare his soul.'

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So tell me one more time. What's the matter?

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HE GRUNTS

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What are you saying?

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HE GRUNTS

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What even IS that?

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HE GRUNTS

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What did you say about my mum?!

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I've had enough of this guy, get him out of here!

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Excuse me... Sorry, I can speak Monster.

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Really?

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Uh-huh.

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Well, maybe you can translate for us, eh,

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find out what this beast is actually trying to say.

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OK.

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SHE GRUNTS

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HE GRUNTS IN REPLY

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SHE GRUNTS AGAIN

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HE GRUNTS AGAIN

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Oh, I see.

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-Well?

-He says he wants to find a wife.

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You've got to be kidding me.

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Look, this show is for people with real problems!

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Like, their stepmothers have tried to poison 'em,

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or an evil witch has eaten their brother.

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Or they can't go home, because a troll is living under their bridge.

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None of this nonsense! What d'you think this is, Take Me Out?

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Cos I tell you what, son -

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if it WAS Take Me Out all of your lights would have gone out.

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You're a state! Get him out of here, guys!

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HE GRUNTS IN PROTEST

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Don't even try it! Brush your teeth.

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It's The Johnny Kyle Show.

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Do you know how many monsters I've dealt with like you?

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You don't want none of this, mate...

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HE GRUNTS AND SNARLS

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Should see what I done to Humpty Dumpty, he's got a crack in his head.

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Stay out!

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Right... Now that's done, who's next?

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'So let's find out what's happening

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'in the Johnny and Inel takeover.'

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So you've been lying to your mum?

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That's the problem with this fairy tale...

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Er, Kyle! What are you doing!

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Hold up. When we signed up to this,

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we both agreed that we'd have equal time on the studio floor.

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Well, you've had your time, Blondie. Now it's my time. Kyle time.

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Er, I don't think so, Kyle, in cloud-cuckoo-land. Thank you.

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Everybody knows I'm the break-out star. Thank you.

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And I still got my little bit to do,

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so audience, can you say "Laters!"?

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-ALL:

-Laters!

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-Don't join in...

-Can you say, "Get out of here, please!"?

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Get out of here, please!

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She's an absolutely rude little girl.

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-Can you say "Now!"?

-Now!

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Don't you dare be so disresp...

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Get your hands off me! I'll have you for this, Blondie.

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You're bang out of order!

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You know what? Scarier people than you have tried to stop Johnny Kyle!

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And look where they are now! That's right - with my aftercare team!

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Bye!

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Ciao! Laters.

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Right. Now it's time for the best part of the show.

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The Only Way Is Blondie.

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Well, clap, then!

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Since I was so popular on The Johnny and Inel Show last year

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the BBC have decided to give me my own show!

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Standard!

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PHONE RINGS Sorry, I really have to take this.

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Hugo, talk to me.

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You're taking a phone call mid-proposal?

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Shall we say au revoir?

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The world does not revolve round you.

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Step out of your bubble, and focus on someone else for a change.

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-Are you trying to say I'm selfish?

-Yes, I am, young lady.

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Oh, my God, I want to die!

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Oh, my gosh. I swear down my family make my life so difficult.

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It's always about them, them, them. Never about me.

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What have I got going on? Nothing. Zilch.

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Sometimes being the coolest girl in school is like proper long.

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You get me?

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Just bring on some action.

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Oh, my golly gosh! You're causin' a scene, sir!

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Well, credit where credit is due, it was my idea to run a talent show.

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To bring all the students together

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and find the most talented pupil in the school.

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-It's causing a real star.

-Let me see.

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Stanton High's Got Talent?

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Yeah, yeah. Find the most talented pupil in the school?

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Don't need a competition for that. Obviously it's me.

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-Oh, and you girls.

-Obviously.

-Obviously!

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-Hey, it says you can win VIP tickets.

-Oh, my gosh.

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First prize - VIP tickets, backstage, access all areas,

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go where you want to, super special tickets

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to Jynel's biggest concert to date?!

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Oh, my golly gosh, it's Jynel!

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Obviously, when I found out first prize was to meet Jynel

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in person, I kept my composure.

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Michelle and Ruby, on the other hand...

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THEY SCREAM

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The Jynel tickets were my idea.

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Their second album's a real stormer.

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-I love them!

-Who doesn't, Michelle?

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-We definitely have to win this talent competition.

-Oh, yeah.

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# We're gonna win - and step

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# Gonna win - and back

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# Gonna win - and back

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# Gonna win - and step

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# Gonna win - and push

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# Gonna win - and step

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# Gonna win - and push... #

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Sorry to interrupt, but I thought I heard you say that

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you were going to win the school talent competition?

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I just wanted to come over here and correct you -

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I think you'll find that I'm going to win.

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And anything you three produce is going to be...

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How do I put this nicely...?

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Wickedy-wickedy-wickedy...wah.

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Whatever, Shanice, oh my gosh.

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You're so dumb, you keep forgetting the lyrics

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to Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes.

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Well, then, I guess this challenge is officially on.

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-Oh, it's on, Shanice.

-It couldn't be any more on.

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-Shanice, are you not listening? I just said it's on!

-On!

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On, diddley-on.

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Onny-onny on-on.

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# On and on and on... #

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I don't think she heard me, girls.

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I said, it's on, on, on - on.

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# On, on, on, on-on-on!

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# On, on, on, on-on-on! #

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Are you quite finished?

0:13:500:13:51

Not yet.

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# On, on, on, on-on-on!

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# On, on, on, on-on-on! #

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Now I'm done.

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On, on, on.

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-# On and on and on... #

-ECHOING

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You, Michelle, are officially out of the Destiny's Child

0:14:050:14:09

-Single Ladies super-talented dance group.

-What?!

0:14:090:14:12

Do you know what, Blondie, I'm done being friends with you.

0:14:130:14:16

You're well aggress.

0:14:160:14:19

What did you just say?

0:14:190:14:20

I said...we're done!

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Laters!

0:14:220:14:24

'Looks like Blondie might be in a bit of bother with Ruby and Michelle.

0:14:240:14:29

'I could do with a haircut. But I don't think I'll go to The Salon.

0:14:290:14:33

What if I don't like it?

0:14:330:14:35

Welcome to the Great Ernesto's salon.

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And me - Julio.

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The great Bob Hoskins once said to me...

0:14:450:14:48

Julio! Play me some music.

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DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

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Julio! I have it.

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-Phone charger.

-Phone charger!

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Julio! Tape.

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Tape!

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It is done! Voila!

0:15:180:15:21

Oh... I don't like it.

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PHONE RINGS Julio!

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Hello? Ah, yes. It's for you.

0:15:280:15:31

'Now let's get to the checkout and see Rudy and Boyyer.

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'Baggit!'

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Yo, bruv. You've only got a few items.

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You might want to use self-checkout till.

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We don't get involved with only a few items, you get me?

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-We are highly-skilled checkout assistants.

-Mm.

-Don't time-waste.

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Look, I'm in a bit of a rush, so can you just put those through?

0:15:560:15:59

Well, I can see you only got a few items

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so you don't need a bag so I'm going to bounce, yeah?

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No, I'd like a bag, please, just hurry up, yeah?

0:16:050:16:09

-Hurry up.

-You only have a few items,

0:16:090:16:11

you should be able to carry them in your arms.

0:16:110:16:13

If not, you'd better get on the weights, bruv.

0:16:130:16:15

Exactly. And every time you take a plastic bag,

0:16:150:16:18

that's bad for the environment.

0:16:180:16:19

You're acting like it's biodegradable, bruv.

0:16:210:16:24

Exactly. Do you know how long these things take to decompose, bruv?

0:16:240:16:27

If there was a nuclear war, the only thing that'd be left is

0:16:270:16:30

cockroaches and plastic bags.

0:16:300:16:32

Oh, just stick it in the bag, yeah?

0:16:320:16:35

Are you kidding, bruv? He's just told you how bad it is

0:16:360:16:40

for the environment, bruv. You got polar bears dying,

0:16:400:16:42

rising sea levels, bruv, tsunamis, bruv,

0:16:420:16:46

and all cos you can't carry your shopping, bruv.

0:16:460:16:49

-Now, are you sure you want a bag, bruv?

-Yeah, I'm sure.

0:16:490:16:53

Well, can I at least interest you in making that a Bag for Life, bruv?

0:16:550:17:00

No, Boyyer, she don't care about life...

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besides, I ain't giving her a bag anyway.

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I operate a strict "no bag for less than five items" policy.

0:17:050:17:10

-Good policy.

-I couldn't look my dog in the eye otherwise.

0:17:100:17:13

Yeah, just come on!

0:17:130:17:15

No, bruv, don't argue with me, I'm saving tomorrow's world.

0:17:150:17:20

-Sandwich - don't bag it!

-Nope.

-Drink - don't bag it.

-Nah.

0:17:200:17:24

-Mixed food - don't bag it.

-Ah.

-Weird thing with a duck on -

0:17:240:17:28

-don't bag it.

-Don't need it.

0:17:280:17:29

Y'all, next time you need to self-checkout, like we said -

0:17:310:17:34

save the planet.

0:17:340:17:36

Think green.

0:17:360:17:38

Do your thing.

0:17:380:17:40

Stay blessed.

0:17:400:17:41

Nice one...

0:17:410:17:43

I wonder who's taken over the studio this time?

0:17:450:17:47

Wagwan, peeps?

0:17:470:17:49

-ALL:

-WAGWAN!

0:17:490:17:50

-Rudy and Boyyer in the building.

-Do this.

0:17:500:17:52

Check this, check this! Pack of crisps...

0:17:520:17:55

-ALL:

-BAGGIT!

0:17:550:17:56

-Orange juice...

-BAGGIT!

0:17:560:17:58

-Bobble...

-BAGGIT!

-Smelly trainer...

0:17:580:18:01

Nah, nah, nah, nah.

0:18:010:18:03

Hold up, hold up.

0:18:030:18:04

No man, no man, that trainer's stinky, bruv.

0:18:040:18:07

That needs to go back where it belongs, do you get me?

0:18:070:18:11

Yeah, true. Boyyer is saying we can't bag it, guys, we can't bag it.

0:18:110:18:15

Seriously, though, I get what you're saying.

0:18:150:18:17

-Ain't no shop taking this back on returns, bruv.

-Mmm.

0:18:170:18:21

Wow, that smells worse than a smelly armpit, bruv.

0:18:210:18:25

That's what I'm saying, bruv, even if the man had the receipt and it

0:18:250:18:28

was still within the 28 days returns windows,

0:18:280:18:30

still wouldn't be happening, bruv.

0:18:300:18:32

LAUGHTER

0:18:320:18:34

-Nah, dreaming.

-Yes...

0:18:340:18:35

HE GROANS

0:18:350:18:37

Do you know what? Speaking about work, our shift starts in

0:18:370:18:40

-about five minutes, Boyyer, we need to jerk, bruv.

-Hmm.

0:18:400:18:43

Let me give the smelly trainer back to my man here

0:18:430:18:46

-and then we got to bounce.

-Cool, cool. I just thought a little

0:18:460:18:49

something was going down but it's a bit long, still. Let's go.

0:18:490:18:52

-Let's go, later, peeps, later, peeps.

-Nice one, yeah.

0:18:520:18:55

It's a disgrace.

0:18:570:19:00

What are those two doing out the supermarket and on our studio floor?

0:19:000:19:03

-Hmm. They were quite good, as well.

-That's not the point.

0:19:030:19:08

The point is...

0:19:080:19:10

-that you brought me in here, Inel.

-What?

0:19:100:19:11

We'll be running low on oxygen soon.

0:19:110:19:13

-You're going to have to stop breathing.

-Don't be silly.

0:19:130:19:16

If anyone has to stop breathing round here it's Brennan.

0:19:160:19:20

Hold it... hold it, hold it...

0:19:220:19:26

The new portable embarrassment hole.

0:19:260:19:29

With our portable embarrassment hole,

0:19:290:19:31

you can escape from ridicule in a split second.

0:19:310:19:34

With its patented shame resistant technology

0:19:340:19:37

you can disappear until the heat dies down.

0:19:370:19:40

Use our portable embarrassment hole to save you from

0:19:400:19:43

overbearing parental care!

0:19:430:19:45

Awkward beverage spillage!

0:19:470:19:49

Or public telling-off from a teacher.

0:19:510:19:54

Hold it...

0:19:580:19:59

Hold it!

0:20:010:20:02

I got it!

0:20:040:20:06

DIALS PHONE

0:20:060:20:07

PHONE RINGS

0:20:110:20:13

Hello, Schoolroom Solutions -

0:20:130:20:15

have your pocket money ready, cos we are happy to help.

0:20:150:20:18

CHATTERING DOWN LINE Oh, yes...

0:20:180:20:20

Course you can buy one, yeah, yeah. There are no refunds though...

0:20:200:20:24

OK, well I'll get it sent over to the studio right now.

0:20:240:20:27

Hey, everyone! Everyone! We can use this

0:20:320:20:35

-to take back the show!

-Yes!

-Form an orderly queue behind Inel,

0:20:350:20:39

and remember, health and safety is paramount -

0:20:390:20:42

we don't want any accidents.

0:20:420:20:43

Right, here I go!

0:20:430:20:46

Oh, it worked!

0:20:460:20:48

You all right, guys?

0:20:480:20:49

-ALL:

-Yeah.

-Good.

0:20:490:20:52

I love it when a jolly scheme comes together.

0:20:530:20:56

-ALL:

-WHOA!

0:20:570:20:59

I'm here. Here I come.

0:20:590:21:01

To save the day.

0:21:010:21:03

LAUGHTER

0:21:030:21:05

Where are they, these troublemakers?

0:21:050:21:07

Stop, don't start any trouble till they get here.

0:21:070:21:10

I specialise in trouble.

0:21:100:21:11

I'm just pleased to be back on the studio floor where we belong.

0:21:110:21:14

Oh, I hear you there, Johnny!

0:21:140:21:16

And...cut.

0:21:160:21:18

Wrap it up, please, we've run out of studio time.

0:21:200:21:23

THEY GROAN

0:21:230:21:24

CHEERING

0:21:260:21:29

Wow, man, what are you two doing here?

0:21:290:21:32

Newsflash, this is the Johnny and Inel Show, innit, guys?

0:21:320:21:35

-ALL:

-Yeah!

0:21:350:21:37

We're meant to be here, and double newsflash,

0:21:370:21:40

the only way is not Blondie.

0:21:400:21:43

Oh, my gosh, you're sounding just like Johnny Kyle right now.

0:21:430:21:46

How dare you try and kick us off our own show?

0:21:460:21:50

Er, for your information, the takeover was all Johnny Kyle's idea.

0:21:500:21:54

Oh, in fact, he threatened to cut The Only Way Is Blondie!

0:21:540:21:59

And I had to go along with him!

0:21:590:22:02

For my fans.

0:22:030:22:04

I knew it was Johnny Kyle. Always picking on the little man.

0:22:040:22:07

Er, does that mean I'm free to go, then, yeah?

0:22:070:22:09

All right. Yeah... See you, later.

0:22:090:22:14

-ALL: Bye!

-Bye, ciao! Auf wiedersehen.

0:22:140:22:16

Au revoir, arrivederci!

0:22:160:22:20

I'm just pleased we got our show back, Inel.

0:22:200:22:22

-I'm with you there, brother.

-Yeah, just in time to wrap it up.

-Oh.

0:22:220:22:26

-I suppose we'd better say goodbye, then?

-Fair enough.

0:22:260:22:29

Well, Johnny and Inel are going to keep making it look good.

0:22:290:22:32

The only way Johnny and Inel could, aha!

0:22:320:22:35

Hit the music!

0:22:350:22:37

BELL RINGS

0:22:370:22:38

-I'm so glad we didn't get involved in the takeover.

-We?

0:22:380:22:42

You, ya mean? You wanted to. If Johnny and Inel didn't get out

0:22:420:22:46

the green room when they did... boy! You were lucky!

0:22:460:22:50

-I'm born lucky!

-Lucky, Fro Fro. Just so you know,

0:22:500:22:55

no-one messes with my show and gets away with it.

0:22:550:22:58

Just a joke!

0:22:580:22:59

-Just a joke!

-Shampoo, afro comb, scissors...

0:22:590:23:04

Ahh!

0:23:040:23:05

-LAUGHTER

-Afro comb...! Heh-heh!

0:23:050:23:09

-What you laughing at, Beenie?

-Shampoo, heh-heh!

0:23:090:23:12

-You're out of order.

-They're just jokes, man.

0:23:120:23:15

-It is a joke.

-Mmm.

0:23:150:23:18

BELL RINGS

0:23:180:23:19

Someone has locked Johnny, Inel and the rest of the J and I crew in the production office. It turns out the sketch characters are taking over the show!


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