Episode 10 The Joke Machine
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Transcript
| Line | From | To | |
|---|---|---|---|
-Across the UK... -Sightings have been reported of a mysterious object | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
-in the sky. -What does it want from us? | 0:00:04 | 0:00:07 | |
-Thousands of children... -hoping they will be chosen. | 0:00:07 | 0:00:11 | |
One man is on a mission to find the funniest jokes. | 0:00:11 | 0:00:15 | |
He is... | 0:00:15 | 0:00:18 | |
-the Joke Master... -Did someone say... | 0:00:18 | 0:00:22 | |
my name? | 0:00:22 | 0:00:24 | |
..and this is The Joke Machine. | 0:00:24 | 0:00:28 | |
Joke machine activate. | 0:00:29 | 0:00:32 | |
Oh! Joke machine activate! | 0:00:34 | 0:00:36 | |
Where are we going? | 0:00:38 | 0:00:40 | |
CHEERING | 0:00:42 | 0:00:44 | |
Let's get these jokers cracking up. | 0:00:49 | 0:00:51 | |
Hiya. | 0:00:53 | 0:00:55 | |
Where do you take a sick boat? | 0:00:55 | 0:00:57 | |
-Where? -To the -DOCK. | 0:00:57 | 0:01:00 | |
Congratulations. Hilarious. | 0:01:00 | 0:01:03 | |
Yay! | 0:01:03 | 0:01:04 | |
Go, go, go! | 0:01:04 | 0:01:06 | |
What do penguins catch at night? | 0:01:06 | 0:01:09 | |
Starfish. | 0:01:09 | 0:01:10 | |
I don't like fish jokes, but there is an asterisk on it | 0:01:10 | 0:01:13 | |
and that asterisk is a starfish. | 0:01:13 | 0:01:16 | |
Yes! | 0:01:16 | 0:01:18 | |
What do footballers and magicians have in common? | 0:01:18 | 0:01:21 | |
What's that? | 0:01:21 | 0:01:23 | |
They both do hat tricks. | 0:01:23 | 0:01:24 | |
Yes, they do! | 0:01:24 | 0:01:26 | |
Yes! | 0:01:26 | 0:01:27 | |
We're on a roll. | 0:01:27 | 0:01:29 | |
What did the crow say when a car goes past? | 0:01:29 | 0:01:31 | |
What? | 0:01:31 | 0:01:32 | |
Ca-ca. Ca-ca. | 0:01:32 | 0:01:34 | |
You've ruined it. You've ruined the roll! | 0:01:34 | 0:01:38 | |
Go for it. Good luck. | 0:01:39 | 0:01:41 | |
Why did the Queen draw a straight line? | 0:01:41 | 0:01:44 | |
Because she IS the ruler. | 0:01:44 | 0:01:46 | |
Get out. | 0:01:46 | 0:01:47 | |
You fool. | 0:01:47 | 0:01:49 | |
I am full cos I've just had lunch, | 0:01:49 | 0:01:51 | |
but guess who hasn't had lunch? | 0:01:51 | 0:01:53 | |
Cupcake! | 0:01:53 | 0:01:55 | |
SHE SCREAMS | 0:01:55 | 0:01:58 | |
What is black, white and red? | 0:01:58 | 0:02:00 | |
What? | 0:02:00 | 0:02:01 | |
A skunk with nappy rash. | 0:02:01 | 0:02:03 | |
-That's not funny. -Fly away in your little spaceship to Mars. | 0:02:03 | 0:02:07 | |
I programme my own destinations! | 0:02:07 | 0:02:10 | |
But Mars is on the list. | 0:02:10 | 0:02:13 | |
HE SCREAMS | 0:02:13 | 0:02:15 | |
New class, new jokes. Let's go. | 0:02:18 | 0:02:21 | |
-THEY SHOUT: -Westborough Primary! | 0:02:26 | 0:02:29 | |
Jokes, jokes, jokes, jokes, jokes. I want more! | 0:02:32 | 0:02:35 | |
Warhorse walks into a bar. The barman says, | 0:02:35 | 0:02:38 | |
"Why the long film?" | 0:02:38 | 0:02:40 | |
A harsh truth from the mouth of a child. | 0:02:41 | 0:02:45 | |
Yes! Get in there. | 0:02:45 | 0:02:47 | |
Bring in the next one. | 0:02:47 | 0:02:48 | |
A teacher said to one of his students, | 0:02:48 | 0:02:50 | |
"You should be an underwater photographer one day." | 0:02:50 | 0:02:54 | |
One of the students said, "Why?" | 0:02:54 | 0:02:56 | |
-The teacher said, "Because all of your grades are below -sea-level." | 0:02:56 | 0:03:00 | |
Convoluted. | 0:03:00 | 0:03:02 | |
I don't like it. | 0:03:02 | 0:03:03 | |
SHE YELPS | 0:03:05 | 0:03:07 | |
It's behind you! | 0:03:07 | 0:03:08 | |
Do not disappoint me. | 0:03:10 | 0:03:13 | |
What did the alien say to the petrol pump? | 0:03:13 | 0:03:16 | |
-What's that? -Get your finger out of your nose and listen to me. | 0:03:16 | 0:03:19 | |
As the Joke Master, I declare that joke not funny. | 0:03:19 | 0:03:24 | |
I think you'll find I'M the Joke Master. | 0:03:24 | 0:03:26 | |
How about we have a competition to see who can make the funniest noise? | 0:03:26 | 0:03:30 | |
HE SQUEALS | 0:03:30 | 0:03:32 | |
Me-me-me-me-me-me-me. | 0:03:32 | 0:03:34 | |
Check this out for a funny noise. | 0:03:34 | 0:03:36 | |
THE BOY SCREAMS | 0:03:36 | 0:03:39 | |
Well, I think I won that exchange. | 0:03:39 | 0:03:41 | |
Why did the chicken cross the road? | 0:03:41 | 0:03:43 | |
-Why? -To get your house. Knock knock. | 0:03:43 | 0:03:46 | |
-Who's there? -The chicken. | 0:03:46 | 0:03:48 | |
-The chicken who? -The chicken who crossed the road. | 0:03:48 | 0:03:50 | |
I've got a little spin to put on this joke. | 0:03:50 | 0:03:53 | |
Come on. I really need this to be funny. | 0:03:55 | 0:03:58 | |
What did the waiter say when the customer said, | 0:03:58 | 0:04:01 | |
"Do you have frogs' legs?" | 0:04:01 | 0:04:03 | |
"No, sir. I've always walked this way." | 0:04:03 | 0:04:06 | |
HE MUMBLES EXCITEDLY | 0:04:06 | 0:04:09 | |
Yeah! | 0:04:09 | 0:04:10 | |
Let's keep it going. | 0:04:10 | 0:04:13 | |
-What do you get when you cross an elephant and a kangaroo? -What? | 0:04:13 | 0:04:16 | |
Holes all over Australia. | 0:04:16 | 0:04:18 | |
Crikey, that is a bad joke. | 0:04:18 | 0:04:21 | |
Hey, what do you know about jokes? | 0:04:21 | 0:04:23 | |
Read the jacket and weep, buddy. | 0:04:23 | 0:04:25 | |
Silly little Joke Master. | 0:04:25 | 0:04:27 | |
It doesn't say silly. | 0:04:27 | 0:04:30 | |
Does it? It doesn't say silly. | 0:04:30 | 0:04:32 | |
OK. Sorry. | 0:04:32 | 0:04:34 | |
Apology accepted. | 0:04:34 | 0:04:35 | |
You're stupid. | 0:04:35 | 0:04:36 | |
Whoa! Where did that come from? I thought we made up. Get out of here. | 0:04:36 | 0:04:40 | |
ELEPHANT TRUMPETS | 0:04:40 | 0:04:42 | |
Hmmm. Who was the victor? | 0:04:42 | 0:04:45 | |
It was... | 0:04:45 | 0:04:48 | |
you. | 0:04:48 | 0:04:49 | |
By jingoes, you did well, Bullion Lane. | 0:04:49 | 0:04:54 | |
Big loss to Westborough. | 0:04:54 | 0:04:55 | |
Some good jokes there, team, but not enough. | 0:04:57 | 0:05:01 | |
So we're going to have to do this again. Joke you later. | 0:05:01 | 0:05:05 |
