Episode 9 The Joke Machine
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Transcript
| Line | From | To | |
|---|---|---|---|
Across the UK sightings have been reported of a | 0:56:02 | 0:56:04 | |
mysterious object in the sky. | 0:56:04 | 0:56:06 | |
What does it want from us? | 0:56:06 | 0:56:07 | |
Thousands of children hoping they will be chosen. | 0:56:07 | 0:56:11 | |
One man is on a mission to find the funniest jokes. | 0:56:11 | 0:56:15 | |
He is... | 0:56:15 | 0:56:17 | |
..The Joke Master. | 0:56:18 | 0:56:20 | |
That's me! | 0:56:20 | 0:56:21 | |
And this is The Joke Machine. | 0:56:21 | 0:56:24 | |
Joke Machine, activate! | 0:56:28 | 0:56:30 | |
MACHINE SOUND FADES | 0:56:32 | 0:56:33 | |
Where are we going? | 0:56:40 | 0:56:41 | |
-THEY SHOUT: -Roath Park! Ah! | 0:56:43 | 0:56:47 | |
Let's get cracking, jokers. | 0:56:51 | 0:56:53 | |
Please be funny, please be funny, please be funny. | 0:56:55 | 0:56:57 | |
"Doctor, Doctor, it hurts when I press | 0:56:57 | 0:56:59 | |
"here, here, here, here and here." | 0:56:59 | 0:57:02 | |
"The solution's obvious, you've got a broken finger." | 0:57:02 | 0:57:04 | |
Oh, that was so funny I've broken my ribs. | 0:57:04 | 0:57:07 | |
Here, here and here. | 0:57:07 | 0:57:09 | |
Yay! | 0:57:09 | 0:57:10 | |
This better not be a bad one. | 0:57:12 | 0:57:13 | |
A bear walks into a bar. He walks up to the barman. He says... | 0:57:13 | 0:57:17 | |
"Can I have a beer, please?" | 0:57:18 | 0:57:19 | |
The barman said, "Why the big "pause"? | 0:57:19 | 0:57:22 | |
Why the big...? | 0:57:22 | 0:57:24 | |
-Funny! -Yes! | 0:57:25 | 0:57:27 | |
(Yes!) | 0:57:28 | 0:57:30 | |
-Hello. -What accent is that? | 0:57:30 | 0:57:32 | |
American. | 0:57:32 | 0:57:34 | |
Well, I hope you're funny. | 0:57:34 | 0:57:35 | |
Have you heard about the magic tractor? | 0:57:35 | 0:57:37 | |
It drove down the lane and turned into a field. | 0:57:37 | 0:57:39 | |
-Well done. -Whoop-whoop! | 0:57:40 | 0:57:43 | |
Yay. | 0:57:43 | 0:57:44 | |
-IN AMERICAN ACCENT: -God bless you, America. Yee-hah. | 0:57:50 | 0:57:53 | |
"Mum, can we have a dog for Christmas?" | 0:57:56 | 0:57:58 | |
"No, dear, we'll have a turkey like everyone else." | 0:57:58 | 0:58:00 | |
-BUZZER SOUNDS -Eh-eh. | 0:58:00 | 0:58:02 | |
OK, do you want to hear a funny joke? | 0:58:02 | 0:58:03 | |
That's why we're here. | 0:58:03 | 0:58:05 | |
What's the difference between you and a brick? | 0:58:05 | 0:58:08 | |
Well...heaps. | 0:58:09 | 0:58:10 | |
There isn't any. | 0:58:10 | 0:58:12 | |
HE GRUMBLES | 0:58:12 | 0:58:13 | |
Ah! Ah! Get me out! | 0:58:14 | 0:58:17 | |
-How do you wake up Lady Gaga? -I don't know? | 0:58:17 | 0:58:20 | |
"Poke her" face. | 0:58:20 | 0:58:21 | |
-BUZZER SOUNDS -I don't like it. | 0:58:21 | 0:58:22 | |
-Argh! -Next! | 0:58:25 | 0:58:28 | |
A man walks into a public library, and he says, | 0:58:28 | 0:58:30 | |
"Can I have a beer, please, mate?" | 0:58:30 | 0:58:32 | |
And the lady says, "This is a public library." And he goes, | 0:58:32 | 0:58:35 | |
("Oh, sorry. Can I have a beer, please?") | 0:58:35 | 0:58:37 | |
-BUZZER SOUNDS -Sh. | 0:58:37 | 0:58:39 | |
-HE WHISPERS: -That joke was rubbi-shh. | 0:58:39 | 0:58:41 | |
What...you've set out to find the best joke | 0:58:41 | 0:58:44 | |
because you don't have a good joke. | 0:58:44 | 0:58:45 | |
Well, that's a very interesting theory... | 0:58:46 | 0:58:48 | |
if it came from someone who knew what they were talking about! | 0:58:48 | 0:58:51 | |
Wh...what are you doing? Where are my arms? Where are my legs? | 0:58:53 | 0:58:56 | |
What are you doing? Ah! | 0:58:56 | 0:58:58 | |
Nnnn-next class. | 0:59:02 | 0:59:03 | |
-THEY SHOUT: -Marlborough Road! | 0:59:09 | 0:59:11 | |
Ah-ah-ah! | 0:59:11 | 0:59:13 | |
Think you can do better than the last class? | 0:59:16 | 0:59:18 | |
Well, we'll see. | 0:59:18 | 0:59:19 | |
Hiya. | 0:59:21 | 0:59:22 | |
Why are fishes so clever? | 0:59:22 | 0:59:24 | |
Because they always stay in schools. | 0:59:25 | 0:59:27 | |
BUZZER SOUNDS | 0:59:27 | 0:59:28 | |
Fish... | 0:59:31 | 0:59:32 | |
are...not... | 0:59:32 | 0:59:35 | |
funny. | 0:59:35 | 0:59:36 | |
Um, that was the funniest joke in the world. | 0:59:36 | 0:59:39 | |
I tried all my best. Grr! | 0:59:39 | 0:59:42 | |
Well, that is embarrassing. | 0:59:42 | 0:59:44 | |
BOING | 0:59:47 | 0:59:48 | |
-Wow. -Wow, cool. | 0:59:48 | 0:59:51 | |
Double trouble, this better be double funny. | 0:59:51 | 0:59:53 | |
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains. | 0:59:53 | 0:59:56 | |
Pull yourself together. | 0:59:56 | 0:59:58 | |
Ping, ping. Wigout. | 0:59:58 | 1:00:00 | |
Yeah! | 1:00:00 | 1:00:02 | |
I want more! | 1:00:03 | 1:00:05 | |
What's the difference between a wolf and a flea? | 1:00:05 | 1:00:08 | |
Don't know. | 1:00:08 | 1:00:09 | |
A wolf howls on the prairie, and a flea prowls on the hairy. | 1:00:09 | 1:00:15 | |
-BUZZER SOUNDS -Not funny. | 1:00:15 | 1:00:16 | |
Next! | 1:00:18 | 1:00:19 | |
What are ghosts' favourite berries? | 1:00:19 | 1:00:22 | |
"Booo" berries. | 1:00:22 | 1:00:23 | |
-BUZZER SOUNDS -Crikey, that is a bad joke. | 1:00:23 | 1:00:26 | |
Why did the banana go to the doctor's office? | 1:00:30 | 1:00:34 | |
Cos he didn't "peel" well. | 1:00:34 | 1:00:35 | |
-HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: -I like that joke so much it made me speak in a high pitch. | 1:00:35 | 1:00:39 | |
Yes! | 1:00:39 | 1:00:40 | |
Hm, who is the victor? | 1:00:41 | 1:00:45 | |
-It was... -DRUMROLLS | 1:00:45 | 1:00:47 | |
..you. | 1:00:47 | 1:00:48 | |
THEY CHEER | 1:00:48 | 1:00:49 | |
Really good, Roath Park. | 1:00:49 | 1:00:51 | |
THEY BOO | 1:00:51 | 1:00:52 | |
Try harder next time, Marlborough. | 1:00:52 | 1:00:54 | |
Whoo! Some good jokes there but I need more. | 1:00:56 | 1:01:01 | |
So, see you again. | 1:01:01 | 1:01:03 | |
Joke you later! | 1:01:03 | 1:01:04 |