Episode 8 The Joke Machine
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Transcript
| Line | From | To | |
|---|---|---|---|
-Across the UK... -Sightings have been reported | 0:49:02 | 0:49:04 | |
of a mysterious object in the sky... | 0:49:04 | 0:49:06 | |
What does it want from us? Thousands of children... | 0:49:06 | 0:49:09 | |
Hoping they will be chosen. | 0:49:09 | 0:49:11 | |
One man is on a mission to find the funniest jokes. | 0:49:11 | 0:49:16 | |
He is...the Joke Master. | 0:49:16 | 0:49:20 | |
That's my name, don't wear it out. | 0:49:20 | 0:49:23 | |
And this is The Joke Machine. | 0:49:23 | 0:49:26 | |
Joke Machine, activate. | 0:49:29 | 0:49:32 | |
TOOTING, HE GASPS | 0:49:32 | 0:49:34 | |
Aw, Joke Machine, activate. | 0:49:36 | 0:49:38 | |
Where are we going? | 0:49:41 | 0:49:42 | |
ALL CHEER | 0:49:44 | 0:49:47 | |
Cracking-up time, Jokesters. | 0:49:52 | 0:49:54 | |
Hello, little lady. | 0:49:55 | 0:49:57 | |
-What did the mountain climber name his son? -What? | 0:49:57 | 0:50:00 | |
Cliff. | 0:50:00 | 0:50:02 | |
HE "TOOTS" TRUMPET | 0:50:02 | 0:50:03 | |
Funny. | 0:50:03 | 0:50:05 | |
Yay! | 0:50:05 | 0:50:07 | |
What have you got for me? | 0:50:07 | 0:50:08 | |
Where do bees go to the toilet? | 0:50:08 | 0:50:10 | |
The BP station. | 0:50:11 | 0:50:12 | |
Yes! That is brilliant! Yes! | 0:50:12 | 0:50:16 | |
Ho-ho, I hope the good times keep coming! | 0:50:18 | 0:50:21 | |
On my first year of school, I came home and I said, | 0:50:21 | 0:50:25 | |
"Mummy, I think my teacher is in love with me." | 0:50:25 | 0:50:29 | |
"Why do you think that?" said my mummy. | 0:50:29 | 0:50:32 | |
"Because she put kisses all over my homework jotter." | 0:50:32 | 0:50:35 | |
-BUZZER -Truly, truly, awful. | 0:50:35 | 0:50:38 | |
-Really? -Yeah! Really! -Really? | 0:50:38 | 0:50:43 | |
Yeah...really. | 0:50:43 | 0:50:46 | |
You really think so? | 0:50:46 | 0:50:48 | |
-I think I think so. -Really? | 0:50:48 | 0:50:51 | |
Ye... Yeah, it was a bad joke. | 0:50:51 | 0:50:54 | |
-Really, really? -I can't handle you. | 0:50:54 | 0:50:56 | |
But Cupcake can! | 0:50:56 | 0:50:59 | |
Aaah! | 0:50:59 | 0:51:00 | |
EXASPERATED GROAN | 0:51:02 | 0:51:03 | |
-Knock, knock. -Who's there? | 0:51:03 | 0:51:06 | |
-Ya. -Ya, who? | 0:51:06 | 0:51:08 | |
Nah, I prefer Google. | 0:51:08 | 0:51:10 | |
Ha-ha. | 0:51:10 | 0:51:11 | |
Other search engines are available. | 0:51:11 | 0:51:13 | |
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. | 0:51:13 | 0:51:15 | |
Chilling. | 0:51:15 | 0:51:17 | |
Next. | 0:51:17 | 0:51:18 | |
-Who told you you were funny? -My mum and my dad. | 0:51:20 | 0:51:24 | |
Biased. | 0:51:24 | 0:51:25 | |
-When is the hog's birthday? -Dunno. | 0:51:25 | 0:51:28 | |
Hogmanay. | 0:51:28 | 0:51:29 | |
Hog money? | 0:51:29 | 0:51:30 | |
What is that, like, pig cash? Not funny. | 0:51:30 | 0:51:33 | |
Man...! | 0:51:33 | 0:51:34 | |
Bring me the new class. | 0:51:38 | 0:51:40 | |
ALL SHOUT | 0:51:45 | 0:51:47 | |
Joke away! | 0:51:52 | 0:51:53 | |
Tell me your joke. | 0:51:55 | 0:51:56 | |
What trees do fortune-tellers read? | 0:51:56 | 0:51:59 | |
Palms. | 0:51:59 | 0:52:00 | |
Hmmm, well, this fortune-teller says... | 0:52:00 | 0:52:03 | |
no. | 0:52:03 | 0:52:04 | |
You're a weirdo. | 0:52:04 | 0:52:05 | |
Aaaah! | 0:52:08 | 0:52:09 | |
Bring in the next one. | 0:52:09 | 0:52:11 | |
What do you call a monster that goes to the disco every night? | 0:52:11 | 0:52:16 | |
The boogie man. | 0:52:16 | 0:52:17 | |
-BUZZER -Not funny! | 0:52:17 | 0:52:18 | |
Aaah! | 0:52:18 | 0:52:21 | |
Next! | 0:52:21 | 0:52:22 | |
What do you call a bum's picture? | 0:52:22 | 0:52:25 | |
A wonderful piece of fart work. | 0:52:25 | 0:52:27 | |
-BUZZER -Baaow-up. Not funny. | 0:52:27 | 0:52:30 | |
Aaah! | 0:52:30 | 0:52:32 | |
I just need a good joke! | 0:52:32 | 0:52:35 | |
Why are all the football stadiums always cold? | 0:52:35 | 0:52:38 | |
Because of all the fans. | 0:52:38 | 0:52:40 | |
Success! | 0:52:40 | 0:52:42 | |
Yay! Done. | 0:52:42 | 0:52:44 | |
Heh-heh. | 0:52:44 | 0:52:47 | |
Hello, little lady. | 0:52:47 | 0:52:48 | |
Why did the dog sit next to the fire? | 0:52:48 | 0:52:51 | |
Because he wanted to be a hot dog. | 0:52:51 | 0:52:53 | |
-BUZZER -That's not funny, it's dangerous! | 0:52:53 | 0:52:55 | |
So why don't you grab your hot dog and leave?! | 0:52:55 | 0:52:58 | |
I'll rub it in your face. | 0:52:58 | 0:52:59 | |
-Why don't you rub it in your face? -Never. | 0:52:59 | 0:53:02 | |
-Then rub it in your mum's face! -No! | 0:53:02 | 0:53:05 | |
-Well, throw it at your dad! -No. | 0:53:05 | 0:53:07 | |
OK, bye. | 0:53:07 | 0:53:08 | |
Aaah! | 0:53:10 | 0:53:11 | |
Ho-ho-ho! | 0:53:14 | 0:53:16 | |
There were two people driving in a car, one was called Shut Up | 0:53:16 | 0:53:19 | |
and one was called Manners. | 0:53:19 | 0:53:20 | |
Shut Up drove too fast and a policeman stopped him. | 0:53:20 | 0:53:23 | |
The car stopped so suddenly, Manners flew out the window. | 0:53:23 | 0:53:26 | |
The policeman asked Shut Up for his name. | 0:53:26 | 0:53:28 | |
He said, "Can I have your name, please, sir?" | 0:53:28 | 0:53:30 | |
Shut Up said, "Shut Up." | 0:53:30 | 0:53:32 | |
"I beg your pardon?" | 0:53:32 | 0:53:34 | |
"Shut Up." "Where are your manners?" "They flew out the window." | 0:53:34 | 0:53:36 | |
Yeah! | 0:53:36 | 0:53:38 | |
Woo-hoo! | 0:53:38 | 0:53:39 | |
Hmmm. Who was the victor? | 0:53:42 | 0:53:46 | |
It was... | 0:53:46 | 0:53:47 | |
you! | 0:53:47 | 0:53:49 | |
ALL CHEER | 0:53:49 | 0:53:50 | |
Calderwood! | 0:53:50 | 0:53:52 | |
Aw, such a shame. | 0:53:54 | 0:53:57 | |
Some good jokes there, team. But not enough! | 0:53:58 | 0:54:02 | |
So we're going to have to do this again. Joke you later! | 0:54:02 | 0:54:06 |