Episode 7 The Joke Machine
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Transcript
| Line | From | To | |
|---|---|---|---|
Across the UK... | 0:42:02 | 0:42:03 | |
Sightings have been reported of a mysterious object in the sky. | 0:42:03 | 0:42:06 | |
What does it want from us? Thousands of children... | 0:42:06 | 0:42:09 | |
Hoping they will be chosen. | 0:42:09 | 0:42:11 | |
One man is on a mission to find the funniest jokes. | 0:42:11 | 0:42:15 | |
He is... | 0:42:15 | 0:42:17 | |
..The Joke Master. | 0:42:18 | 0:42:20 | |
Did someone say... | 0:42:20 | 0:42:22 | |
my name? | 0:42:22 | 0:42:24 | |
And this is the Joke Machine. | 0:42:24 | 0:42:27 | |
Joke Machine, activate! | 0:42:30 | 0:42:32 | |
ALARMS SOUND | 0:42:32 | 0:42:34 | |
Ahh! | 0:42:34 | 0:42:35 | |
Joke Machine, activate? | 0:42:37 | 0:42:39 | |
Where are we going? | 0:42:42 | 0:42:44 | |
-ALL: -Emmaus Primary! We are legends! | 0:42:46 | 0:42:50 | |
Let's get cracking, jokers. | 0:42:54 | 0:42:56 | |
OK, what have you got for me? | 0:42:58 | 0:43:00 | |
-What did the two penguins jump when they first met? -Dunno. | 0:43:00 | 0:43:03 | |
They were trying to break the ice. | 0:43:03 | 0:43:05 | |
Well, that is a good joke and good body movements, too! | 0:43:05 | 0:43:08 | |
-BELL RINGS -Yes! | 0:43:08 | 0:43:10 | |
I want some more. I want some more! | 0:43:10 | 0:43:12 | |
-What do you call a judge with no fingers? -I dunno, what? | 0:43:12 | 0:43:15 | |
-Justice (Just-His) Thumbs! -BUZZER | 0:43:15 | 0:43:18 | |
The jury's verdict is in and on charges of being funny, | 0:43:18 | 0:43:21 | |
you have been found not guilty. | 0:43:21 | 0:43:23 | |
I'm not finished with you, I know where you live. | 0:43:23 | 0:43:26 | |
Get out of my courtroom. | 0:43:26 | 0:43:28 | |
Let's keep it going. | 0:43:29 | 0:43:31 | |
Why did the raisin go out with the human? | 0:43:31 | 0:43:34 | |
-Because he couldn't find a date! -BUZZER | 0:43:34 | 0:43:36 | |
Oh, it's not funny, it's just weird. | 0:43:36 | 0:43:38 | |
What's your problem? | 0:43:38 | 0:43:40 | |
You, right now. | 0:43:40 | 0:43:41 | |
Oh, come on! Give me a good one. | 0:43:45 | 0:43:47 | |
A man walked to a job centre and asked, "Any jobs available?" | 0:43:47 | 0:43:51 | |
The woman said, "Yeah, dress up as a monkey and dance around a cage." | 0:43:51 | 0:43:54 | |
So he said, "Yeah, when do I start?" | 0:43:54 | 0:43:56 | |
She said, "Monday." So it was that Monday... | 0:43:56 | 0:43:59 | |
-HE SNORES -And he went into the cage | 0:43:59 | 0:44:01 | |
-and she said... No. -HE SNORES | 0:44:01 | 0:44:03 | |
Ah! | 0:44:07 | 0:44:08 | |
BIG SPLASH | 0:44:08 | 0:44:10 | |
-What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you? -Dunno. | 0:44:12 | 0:44:16 | |
Na-cho (not-your) cheese! | 0:44:16 | 0:44:17 | |
Ay-yay-yay! | 0:44:17 | 0:44:19 | |
Bring in the next victims - I mean, jokers! | 0:44:34 | 0:44:36 | |
THEY CHEER | 0:44:41 | 0:44:44 | |
We are go for jokes. | 0:44:49 | 0:44:51 | |
-Where is this place? -Hey, Joke-Face. Spit it out of your mouth. | 0:44:51 | 0:44:55 | |
-Why can't a three-legged donkey be a comedian? -Why is that? | 0:44:55 | 0:45:00 | |
Because he can't do stand-up. | 0:45:00 | 0:45:02 | |
You should open up a tool shop, because you nailed that. | 0:45:02 | 0:45:05 | |
-Yes! -BELL RINGS | 0:45:05 | 0:45:07 | |
Thank you. | 0:45:07 | 0:45:08 | |
So, there was a balloon school | 0:45:08 | 0:45:10 | |
and one balloon wanted to pull a prank, so he put a pin underneath | 0:45:10 | 0:45:14 | |
everyone's chair and he got sent to the head teacher's office. | 0:45:14 | 0:45:17 | |
The head teacher told him that he'd let the school down | 0:45:17 | 0:45:20 | |
and he's let her down | 0:45:20 | 0:45:21 | |
and most importantly, he'd let himself down. | 0:45:21 | 0:45:24 | |
BUZZER Well, now I'm in a bad mood! | 0:45:24 | 0:45:27 | |
-What have you got for me? -I'm just going to tell a joke. | 0:45:31 | 0:45:35 | |
Oh, thank the Lord. | 0:45:35 | 0:45:36 | |
What do you call a king who lives in a desk? | 0:45:36 | 0:45:38 | |
-A ruler. -BUZZER | 0:45:38 | 0:45:41 | |
How dare you come in here with that rubbish? | 0:45:41 | 0:45:44 | |
Talk to the hand, meanie. | 0:45:44 | 0:45:46 | |
Well, why don't you talk to THIS hand? | 0:45:46 | 0:45:50 | |
Ah! | 0:45:50 | 0:45:52 | |
-Eh? -Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? -Dunno, why? | 0:45:52 | 0:45:56 | |
Because he lost his filling. | 0:45:56 | 0:45:58 | |
BELL RINGS Oh, God. Oh, can you pull a kidney? | 0:46:01 | 0:46:04 | |
That was good. | 0:46:05 | 0:46:07 | |
Yesterday, I saw an ant walking down the road with a kindle. | 0:46:07 | 0:46:10 | |
I asked him, "Do you want some help carrying your kindle, mate?" | 0:46:10 | 0:46:12 | |
And he said, "Kindle? What Kindle? | 0:46:12 | 0:46:14 | |
"All I've got is a flatscreen TV." | 0:46:14 | 0:46:16 | |
Well, that was f-ant-tastic. | 0:46:16 | 0:46:18 | |
-BELL RINGS -Yeah! | 0:46:19 | 0:46:21 | |
Hmm, who was the victor? | 0:46:23 | 0:46:26 | |
It was... DRUM ROLL | 0:46:26 | 0:46:28 | |
YOU! | 0:46:28 | 0:46:29 | |
Mapledene! | 0:46:29 | 0:46:32 | |
THEY CHEER | 0:46:32 | 0:46:34 | |
THEY BOO Cheer up, it's home time soon. | 0:46:34 | 0:46:37 | |
Whoa, we got some funny stuff in the bag. | 0:46:40 | 0:46:43 | |
But I want more! | 0:46:43 | 0:46:45 | |
So I'll see you again. | 0:46:45 | 0:46:47 | |
Joke you later, jokey-jokers! | 0:46:47 | 0:46:50 |