Episode 12 The Joke Machine
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Transcript
| Line | From | To | |
|---|---|---|---|
-Across the UK... -Sightings have been reported of a mysterious object | 0:00:01 | 0:00:04 | |
in the sky... | 0:00:04 | 0:00:05 | |
-What does it want from us? -Thousands of children... | 0:00:05 | 0:00:08 | |
Hoping they will be chosen. | 0:00:08 | 0:00:10 | |
One man is on a mission to find the funniest jokes. | 0:00:10 | 0:00:14 | |
He is... | 0:00:14 | 0:00:15 | |
..the Joke Master. | 0:00:17 | 0:00:18 | |
That's me. | 0:00:18 | 0:00:20 | |
And this is The Joke Machine. | 0:00:20 | 0:00:22 | |
Joke machine, activate. | 0:00:26 | 0:00:29 | |
Oh! | 0:00:29 | 0:00:30 | |
Joke machine activate! | 0:00:31 | 0:00:33 | |
Where are we going? | 0:00:36 | 0:00:37 | |
ALL CHEER | 0:00:39 | 0:00:40 | |
Make me crack up, you Jokesters. | 0:00:45 | 0:00:47 | |
One, two, three...jokes! | 0:00:49 | 0:00:51 | |
What's the best athlete in the winter? | 0:00:51 | 0:00:54 | |
A long jumper. | 0:00:54 | 0:00:55 | |
HE IMITATES SPACESHIP | 0:00:55 | 0:00:57 | |
Starship Funny has landed and they want you as the captain. | 0:00:57 | 0:01:01 | |
Yeah! Cha-ching! | 0:01:01 | 0:01:02 | |
HE IMITATES SPACESHIP | 0:01:02 | 0:01:04 | |
So there's two boys in a classroom and they're arguing. | 0:01:04 | 0:01:07 | |
And then the teacher walks in and says, | 0:01:07 | 0:01:10 | |
"Boys, why are you arguing?" | 0:01:10 | 0:01:12 | |
And then the boy says, "Oh, Miss! We found a £20 note and we..." | 0:01:12 | 0:01:15 | |
BUZZER | 0:01:15 | 0:01:16 | |
Are you still talking? | 0:01:16 | 0:01:18 | |
-Next. -Why was six afraid of seven? | 0:01:23 | 0:01:26 | |
-Because seven ATE nine. -BUZZER | 0:01:26 | 0:01:28 | |
Leave. Just leave. Walk away now. | 0:01:28 | 0:01:30 | |
Keep walking. | 0:01:30 | 0:01:32 | |
Thank you. | 0:01:32 | 0:01:33 | |
-What do you call a snail with no shell? -What? | 0:01:34 | 0:01:38 | |
A snail with housing problems. BUZZER | 0:01:38 | 0:01:40 | |
I'm going to say... Uh-uh. | 0:01:40 | 0:01:42 | |
You suck! | 0:01:42 | 0:01:43 | |
You don't know anything about jokes at all! | 0:01:43 | 0:01:46 | |
Do you want to know what your attitude smells like? Here you go. | 0:01:46 | 0:01:49 | |
SHE COUGHS | 0:01:49 | 0:01:52 | |
Get a whiff of that. | 0:01:52 | 0:01:53 | |
Hit me with it. | 0:01:56 | 0:01:57 | |
Oh, I say, I say, I say. | 0:01:57 | 0:01:59 | |
What starts with a P, ends in an E and has a million letters in it? | 0:01:59 | 0:02:03 | |
I don't know, what starts with a P and ends with an E | 0:02:03 | 0:02:06 | |
and has a million letters in it? | 0:02:06 | 0:02:09 | |
A post office! | 0:02:09 | 0:02:11 | |
You plus you equals funny. | 0:02:11 | 0:02:15 | |
Ha-ha, yes! | 0:02:15 | 0:02:17 | |
Boy, I hope the good times keep coming! | 0:02:18 | 0:02:20 | |
Have you heard the joke about peanut butter? | 0:02:20 | 0:02:23 | |
Hm, I'm not telling you. | 0:02:23 | 0:02:24 | |
You'll probably spread it. | 0:02:24 | 0:02:26 | |
The only thing you're spreading is lameness! | 0:02:26 | 0:02:29 | |
Bring in the next victims...I mean jokers! | 0:02:33 | 0:02:35 | |
THEY STRAIN | 0:02:41 | 0:02:43 | |
OK, Class Two, what have you got for me? | 0:02:48 | 0:02:50 | |
DING, DING, DING | 0:02:50 | 0:02:51 | |
Jokey, jokey jokes. | 0:02:51 | 0:02:53 | |
I saw this man chatting up a cheetah one day. | 0:02:53 | 0:02:56 | |
I thought he was trying to pull a fast one. | 0:02:56 | 0:02:58 | |
That was so funny, you made me turn into a kettle! | 0:02:58 | 0:03:00 | |
MIMICS KETTLE BOILING | 0:03:00 | 0:03:02 | |
Yes! Thank you! | 0:03:02 | 0:03:03 | |
Who wants a warm cup of funny? | 0:03:03 | 0:03:06 | |
-Knock, knock. -Who's there? | 0:03:06 | 0:03:08 | |
-Hawaii. -Hawaii who? | 0:03:08 | 0:03:10 | |
-I'm all right, how are you? -BUZZER | 0:03:10 | 0:03:12 | |
I was fine until you knocked on my door. | 0:03:12 | 0:03:15 | |
No manners these days. | 0:03:18 | 0:03:19 | |
What's your plans today? | 0:03:21 | 0:03:22 | |
Beat you down with my jokes. | 0:03:22 | 0:03:24 | |
Bring it. | 0:03:24 | 0:03:26 | |
Where do sheep go on holiday? | 0:03:26 | 0:03:28 | |
Baa-bados. | 0:03:28 | 0:03:30 | |
Ha-ha! Baa-bados! | 0:03:30 | 0:03:32 | |
Ha-ha-ha-ha. | 0:03:32 | 0:03:33 | |
Yay! | 0:03:33 | 0:03:34 | |
DING Thank you. | 0:03:34 | 0:03:36 | |
Where am I? | 0:03:37 | 0:03:39 | |
A lot of people call it The Joke Machine. | 0:03:39 | 0:03:41 | |
I called BT the other day. | 0:03:41 | 0:03:42 | |
I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller." | 0:03:42 | 0:03:45 | |
They said, "Not you again." | 0:03:45 | 0:03:47 | |
BUZZER | 0:03:47 | 0:03:48 | |
Yeah, he's come back. Yeah, he's on The Joke Machine now. | 0:03:48 | 0:03:51 | |
Get here as quick as you can. All right, thanks, love you. | 0:03:51 | 0:03:54 | |
You tell me a good joke, then. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:56 | |
OK, two tarantulas walk... | 0:03:56 | 0:03:58 | |
Oh! Is that the time? | 0:03:58 | 0:04:01 | |
Aaaah! | 0:04:04 | 0:04:05 | |
Heh-heh-heh. | 0:04:07 | 0:04:08 | |
This bloke came up to me and he said, | 0:04:08 | 0:04:10 | |
"I once taught my dog to retrieve a stick from 100 miles away." | 0:04:10 | 0:04:13 | |
And I said, "Don't you think that's a bit far-fetched?" | 0:04:13 | 0:04:15 | |
Boom. Boom. Boom! | 0:04:15 | 0:04:17 | |
DING | 0:04:17 | 0:04:20 | |
Tell me a joke. | 0:04:20 | 0:04:21 | |
What do you get if you cross a cow | 0:04:21 | 0:04:23 | |
-between a goat and a baby goat? -What? | 0:04:23 | 0:04:26 | |
The Milky Bar Kid. | 0:04:26 | 0:04:27 | |
-BUZZER -That was awful. | 0:04:27 | 0:04:29 | |
I've just realised I can't leave, this is my spaceship, | 0:04:30 | 0:04:33 | |
so you're going to have to leave. | 0:04:33 | 0:04:34 | |
No! | 0:04:34 | 0:04:36 | |
Hmmm. Who was the victor? | 0:04:37 | 0:04:41 | |
It was... | 0:04:41 | 0:04:42 | |
you! | 0:04:42 | 0:04:45 | |
ALL CHEER | 0:04:45 | 0:04:46 | |
Lea Forest! | 0:04:46 | 0:04:47 | |
ALL BOO | 0:04:49 | 0:04:50 | |
Don't boo me, boo yourselves. | 0:04:50 | 0:04:52 | |
Some good jokes there team. But not enough! | 0:04:54 | 0:04:58 | |
So we're going to have to do this again. Joke you later! | 0:04:58 | 0:05:01 |