Episode 13 The Joke Machine
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Transcript
| Line | From | To | |
|---|---|---|---|
-Across the UK... -Sightings have been reported | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
of a mysterious object in the sky. | 0:00:04 | 0:00:05 | |
-What does it want from us? -Thousands of children... | 0:00:05 | 0:00:08 | |
Hoping they will be chosen. | 0:00:08 | 0:00:10 | |
One man is on a mission to find the funniest jokes. | 0:00:10 | 0:00:15 | |
He is... | 0:00:15 | 0:00:16 | |
..the Joke Master. | 0:00:18 | 0:00:20 | |
That's me-e-e! | 0:00:20 | 0:00:21 | |
And this is The Joke Machine. | 0:00:21 | 0:00:24 | |
Joke Machine activate! | 0:00:28 | 0:00:30 | |
PARP! | 0:00:30 | 0:00:32 | |
I've not been well. | 0:00:32 | 0:00:33 | |
HE SNIFFS | 0:00:33 | 0:00:35 | |
Joke Machine activate. | 0:00:35 | 0:00:36 | |
HUMMING | 0:00:36 | 0:00:38 | |
PARP! | 0:00:38 | 0:00:39 | |
Where are we going? | 0:00:40 | 0:00:42 | |
-Yay! -Yay! | 0:00:46 | 0:00:49 | |
Let's get these jokers cracking up! | 0:00:53 | 0:00:56 | |
OK, what have you got for me? | 0:00:58 | 0:01:00 | |
Why did the picture go to jail? | 0:01:00 | 0:01:02 | |
Because it got framed. | 0:01:02 | 0:01:04 | |
Ha-ha-ha! That was good. | 0:01:04 | 0:01:06 | |
Yes! | 0:01:06 | 0:01:08 | |
What have we got? | 0:01:08 | 0:01:09 | |
What happened when the Forth Bridge blew down? | 0:01:09 | 0:01:12 | |
They built a fifth one. | 0:01:12 | 0:01:14 | |
That's not funny, mate. That's just good city planning. It's logical. | 0:01:14 | 0:01:17 | |
You're sacked! | 0:01:17 | 0:01:19 | |
You can't fire me. You're not my boss. | 0:01:19 | 0:01:21 | |
Yes, I can. | 0:01:21 | 0:01:22 | |
If you're my boss, how come you never show up to the Christmas parties? | 0:01:22 | 0:01:26 | |
This better not be a bad one. | 0:01:31 | 0:01:32 | |
Why are robbers so good at tennis? | 0:01:32 | 0:01:35 | |
Because they spend so much of their time in court. | 0:01:35 | 0:01:37 | |
They do! That's funny! | 0:01:37 | 0:01:40 | |
Yay! | 0:01:40 | 0:01:42 | |
What goes 99 thump, 99 thump, 99 thump? | 0:01:43 | 0:01:47 | |
What? | 0:01:47 | 0:01:48 | |
A centipede with a wooden leg. | 0:01:48 | 0:01:50 | |
Hey, what does this button do? | 0:01:50 | 0:01:51 | |
SPLASH! | 0:01:54 | 0:01:55 | |
Ha-ha-ha! | 0:01:55 | 0:01:57 | |
Why can't you find aspirin in the jungle? | 0:01:57 | 0:01:59 | |
Because the "parrots eat 'em all". | 0:01:59 | 0:02:01 | |
HE COUGHS | 0:02:01 | 0:02:03 | |
You are the cure for funny, and I need to take two pills of it. | 0:02:03 | 0:02:06 | |
Yay! | 0:02:06 | 0:02:08 | |
Come to me, Class Two, for I need jokes. | 0:02:11 | 0:02:15 | |
Armley Primary School! | 0:02:20 | 0:02:23 | |
Three, two, one... | 0:02:26 | 0:02:28 | |
Joke off! | 0:02:28 | 0:02:29 | |
Hey, welcome to The Joke Machine! | 0:02:31 | 0:02:33 | |
Do not disappoint me. | 0:02:33 | 0:02:36 | |
What's a kangaroo's favourite film? | 0:02:36 | 0:02:37 | |
The Hoppit. | 0:02:37 | 0:02:39 | |
Some of my best friends are hobbits. Not funny. | 0:02:39 | 0:02:42 | |
Nnngh! | 0:02:42 | 0:02:44 | |
Ah. You're speaking Middle Earth. Well, it's off to Mordor with you. | 0:02:44 | 0:02:49 | |
Your school needs this joke to be funny. I need this to be funny. | 0:02:53 | 0:02:58 | |
There's two snowmen, and one of them said, | 0:02:58 | 0:03:00 | |
"Can you smell carrots?" | 0:03:00 | 0:03:02 | |
And the other snowman said, "Yes, and my hands are a bit sticky." | 0:03:02 | 0:03:06 | |
BUZZ! | 0:03:06 | 0:03:08 | |
Oh, sorry, did you tell a joke? I thought it was just the wind. | 0:03:08 | 0:03:12 | |
That's just one joke I have, but you only have one face. | 0:03:12 | 0:03:16 | |
Right, there was a packet of crisps walking down the road, | 0:03:20 | 0:03:22 | |
and a man pulled over and he said, "Do you want a lift?" | 0:03:22 | 0:03:25 | |
And they said, "No, cos we're Walkers." | 0:03:25 | 0:03:27 | |
Next! | 0:03:29 | 0:03:30 | |
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? | 0:03:30 | 0:03:33 | |
Because he wanted cold hard-earned cash. | 0:03:33 | 0:03:36 | |
Ha-ha! Woo-ha-ha! | 0:03:36 | 0:03:38 | |
Stop it! You're tickling me! | 0:03:38 | 0:03:40 | |
Hoo-hoo-ha-ha! | 0:03:43 | 0:03:44 | |
Not the face! Not the face! | 0:03:44 | 0:03:47 | |
"Doctor, Doctor!" "What's the matter?" | 0:03:47 | 0:03:49 | |
"I feel like a pair of curtains." | 0:03:49 | 0:03:52 | |
"Pull yourself together, boy." | 0:03:52 | 0:03:54 | |
Um... | 0:03:54 | 0:03:55 | |
Sorry, I'm just searching for the funny, and I can't find it. | 0:03:55 | 0:03:59 | |
Well, you tell me a joke, then. | 0:03:59 | 0:04:01 | |
A child walks into a Joke Machine. | 0:04:01 | 0:04:03 | |
Ouch! | 0:04:04 | 0:04:06 | |
It's the last one from your class. Make it count. | 0:04:07 | 0:04:09 | |
-Knock knock. -Who's there? | 0:04:09 | 0:04:11 | |
-Egbert. -Egbert who? | 0:04:11 | 0:04:13 | |
Egbert no bacon. | 0:04:13 | 0:04:14 | |
That is egg-zactly the type of joke I like. | 0:04:14 | 0:04:17 | |
Yeah! Woo! | 0:04:17 | 0:04:18 | |
I said "egg-zactly". | 0:04:20 | 0:04:21 | |
Hmm. Who should win? Uh... | 0:04:23 | 0:04:27 | |
You! | 0:04:27 | 0:04:29 | |
-Wallacestone! -Yay! | 0:04:29 | 0:04:32 | |
-Boo! -Be proud in defeat, Armley. | 0:04:34 | 0:04:36 | |
Whew! Some good gags, guys, good gags. | 0:04:36 | 0:04:41 | |
But not enough-ah! | 0:04:41 | 0:04:44 | |
So I'll see you again. Joke you later! | 0:04:44 | 0:04:46 |
