Episode 16 The Joke Machine
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Transcript
| Line | From | To | |
|---|---|---|---|
-'Across the UK... -Sightings have been reported of a mysterious | 0:35:02 | 0:35:04 | |
-'object in the sky. -What does it want from us? | 0:35:04 | 0:35:07 | |
'Thousands of children, hoping they will be chosen. | 0:35:07 | 0:35:11 | |
'One man is on a mission to find the funniest jokes. He is... | 0:35:11 | 0:35:17 | |
'..the Joke Master!' | 0:35:18 | 0:35:20 | |
That's my name. Don't wear it out. | 0:35:20 | 0:35:22 | |
'And this is The Joke Machine.' | 0:35:25 | 0:35:26 | |
Joke machine, activate! | 0:35:29 | 0:35:32 | |
WHIRRING | 0:35:32 | 0:35:34 | |
Joke machine, activate. | 0:35:37 | 0:35:38 | |
Where are we going? | 0:35:41 | 0:35:42 | |
THEY CHEER | 0:35:44 | 0:35:47 | |
Cracking up time, jokesters! | 0:35:52 | 0:35:55 | |
Come on, come on, come on, I want some jokes! | 0:35:56 | 0:35:59 | |
-What's green and sits in the corner? -What? | 0:35:59 | 0:36:02 | |
The incredible... | 0:36:02 | 0:36:03 | |
sulk. | 0:36:03 | 0:36:04 | |
Whoa, someone call the binman because that joke was rubbish. | 0:36:04 | 0:36:09 | |
You want a piece of me? | 0:36:09 | 0:36:10 | |
Next! | 0:36:16 | 0:36:17 | |
Did you hear about the man who drowned in his muesli? | 0:36:17 | 0:36:20 | |
Apparently he got dragged down by a strong currant. | 0:36:20 | 0:36:23 | |
That is a tragic, tragic story. | 0:36:23 | 0:36:25 | |
SHE SCREAMS | 0:36:26 | 0:36:28 | |
Hello. Are you funny? | 0:36:31 | 0:36:32 | |
Why wouldn't I be? | 0:36:32 | 0:36:34 | |
All right. Hit me with your joke. | 0:36:34 | 0:36:36 | |
-Why can't you invite footballers to dinner? -Why? | 0:36:36 | 0:36:40 | |
Because they dribble so much. | 0:36:40 | 0:36:42 | |
I was expecting so much | 0:36:42 | 0:36:43 | |
and you delivered so little. | 0:36:43 | 0:36:45 | |
SHE SCREAMS | 0:36:46 | 0:36:48 | |
I just need a good joke! | 0:36:48 | 0:36:50 | |
I asked my grandad what I was having for dinner | 0:36:50 | 0:36:53 | |
and he went, stewed balloons with the skin off. | 0:36:53 | 0:36:55 | |
And I didn't get anything for dinner! | 0:36:55 | 0:36:58 | |
Ha-ha-ha! | 0:36:58 | 0:37:00 | |
What do you call your sister's ex-boyfriend? | 0:37:04 | 0:37:06 | |
What? | 0:37:06 | 0:37:08 | |
Out of date. | 0:37:08 | 0:37:09 | |
Funny! | 0:37:11 | 0:37:12 | |
Get in there! | 0:37:12 | 0:37:14 | |
Next joke! | 0:37:14 | 0:37:16 | |
Where does a policeman live? | 0:37:16 | 0:37:19 | |
999 Letsby Avenue. | 0:37:19 | 0:37:20 | |
Woo-hoo! | 0:37:20 | 0:37:22 | |
More, more, more! | 0:37:25 | 0:37:26 | |
-Is that a Blue Peter badge? -Yeah. | 0:37:28 | 0:37:30 | |
Did you get it for telling jokes? | 0:37:30 | 0:37:32 | |
No. | 0:37:32 | 0:37:34 | |
Oh. Well. Tell me a joke. | 0:37:34 | 0:37:36 | |
-What cheese do you use to disguise a horse? -What? | 0:37:36 | 0:37:40 | |
Mask-er-pony. | 0:37:40 | 0:37:41 | |
How dare you come in here with that rubbish! | 0:37:41 | 0:37:45 | |
You are actually a brain-eating alien from Mars. | 0:37:45 | 0:37:49 | |
A brain-eating alien. That is so ridiculous. I eat peas. | 0:37:49 | 0:37:53 | |
Let's get me some new jokes. | 0:37:58 | 0:38:00 | |
THEY CHEER | 0:38:05 | 0:38:08 | |
Joke away. | 0:38:12 | 0:38:13 | |
Joke it up. | 0:38:15 | 0:38:16 | |
-Why wasn't the elephant allowed on the beach? -Why? | 0:38:16 | 0:38:19 | |
Because he couldn't keep his trunks up. | 0:38:19 | 0:38:21 | |
Hee-hee-hee, yeah, that is funny! | 0:38:21 | 0:38:24 | |
Thank you very much, sir. | 0:38:24 | 0:38:25 | |
What do you get when you cross nuts with facial hair? | 0:38:28 | 0:38:32 | |
Pistachio mustachio. | 0:38:32 | 0:38:34 | |
That was wal-nut funny, so ses-a-me. | 0:38:34 | 0:38:38 | |
-Why are teddy bears never hungry? -Why? | 0:38:44 | 0:38:47 | |
Because they are always stuffed. | 0:38:47 | 0:38:49 | |
Teddy bears are so good! You know why? | 0:38:49 | 0:38:51 | |
Because they scare away the nightmares. | 0:38:51 | 0:38:53 | |
Yay! | 0:38:53 | 0:38:55 | |
I want some more! I want some more! | 0:38:55 | 0:38:58 | |
What happens when you eat yeast and polish? | 0:38:58 | 0:39:00 | |
What? | 0:39:00 | 0:39:01 | |
Of course, every morning you rise and shine. | 0:39:01 | 0:39:04 | |
Ooh, it was tragic! | 0:39:04 | 0:39:06 | |
Well, I am sick of bad jokes, make it good! | 0:39:11 | 0:39:14 | |
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a bridge! What's come over you? | 0:39:14 | 0:39:18 | |
25 cars, a bus and a lorry. | 0:39:18 | 0:39:21 | |
That was just awful. | 0:39:21 | 0:39:23 | |
Who gave you this job? | 0:39:23 | 0:39:24 | |
Why, I saw it advertised | 0:39:24 | 0:39:26 | |
in the paper and I went in for the interview and what can I say? | 0:39:26 | 0:39:29 | |
I'm just really good in interviews. | 0:39:29 | 0:39:31 | |
Hmm... Who was the victor? | 0:39:33 | 0:39:35 | |
It was... | 0:39:37 | 0:39:39 | |
you! | 0:39:39 | 0:39:41 | |
Spring Bank! | 0:39:41 | 0:39:42 | |
THEY CHEER | 0:39:42 | 0:39:45 | |
BOOING | 0:39:45 | 0:39:46 | |
It's not my fault you didn't come up with the goods. | 0:39:46 | 0:39:49 | |
Whoo! Got some good jokes there. | 0:39:50 | 0:39:53 | |
But I... | 0:39:53 | 0:39:54 | |
need more! | 0:39:54 | 0:39:56 | |
So I'll see you again. | 0:39:56 | 0:39:58 | |
Joke you later, Jokesters! | 0:39:58 | 0:40:00 |