Episode 17 The Joke Machine
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Transcript
| Line | From | To | |
|---|---|---|---|
-Across the UK... -..sightings have been reported | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
-of a mysterious object in the sky. -What does it want from us? | 0:00:04 | 0:00:07 | |
-Thousands of children... -..hoping they will be chosen. | 0:00:07 | 0:00:10 | |
One man is on a mission to find the funniest jokes. | 0:00:10 | 0:00:15 | |
He is... | 0:00:15 | 0:00:17 | |
The Joke Master. | 0:00:17 | 0:00:19 | |
That's me! | 0:00:19 | 0:00:21 | |
And this is The Joke Machine. | 0:00:21 | 0:00:25 | |
Joke machine, activate! | 0:00:27 | 0:00:30 | |
MACHINE POWERS DOWN AND EMITS A LOW HUM | 0:00:30 | 0:00:33 | |
Where are we going? | 0:00:39 | 0:00:41 | |
ALL: Yay! | 0:00:43 | 0:00:45 | |
Let's get cracking, jokers! | 0:00:50 | 0:00:52 | |
Go, go, go. | 0:00:54 | 0:00:56 | |
Why did the bald man not have any keys? | 0:00:56 | 0:00:59 | |
Cos he had new locks. | 0:00:59 | 0:01:00 | |
Yes! | 0:01:00 | 0:01:02 | |
BEEPS LIKE A ROBOT | 0:01:02 | 0:01:05 | |
Yes! | 0:01:05 | 0:01:06 | |
What did the fish say when | 0:01:08 | 0:01:09 | |
he swam into the wall? | 0:01:09 | 0:01:11 | |
Dam! | 0:01:11 | 0:01:12 | |
BUZZER | 0:01:12 | 0:01:14 | |
F-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ish... | 0:01:14 | 0:01:21 | |
Sssshush! | 0:01:21 | 0:01:23 | |
A man's going to a fancy dress party with a girl on his back | 0:01:23 | 0:01:27 | |
and someone asks him, "What are you?" | 0:01:27 | 0:01:29 | |
And he says, "A tortoise." | 0:01:29 | 0:01:32 | |
And he says, "Well, why do you have a girl on your back?" | 0:01:32 | 0:01:35 | |
And he says, "That's Mi-shell." | 0:01:35 | 0:01:38 | |
Eh... huh? | 0:01:38 | 0:01:40 | |
BUZZER | 0:01:40 | 0:01:41 | |
Are you funny? | 0:01:45 | 0:01:47 | |
I believe so. | 0:01:47 | 0:01:48 | |
Go for it. Good luck. | 0:01:48 | 0:01:50 | |
What do you call a man with no body or nose? | 0:01:50 | 0:01:53 | |
Nobody knows. | 0:01:53 | 0:01:54 | |
-BUZZER -Crikey, that is a bad joke. | 0:01:54 | 0:01:57 | |
How dare you! | 0:01:57 | 0:01:58 | |
I got that joke | 0:01:58 | 0:02:01 | |
off a singing student of my mum's. | 0:02:01 | 0:02:03 | |
Wow. I hope you sold the Hollywood film rights to that story. | 0:02:03 | 0:02:08 | |
Send in the next one! | 0:02:09 | 0:02:11 | |
Come on, break my run of bad jokes. | 0:02:12 | 0:02:14 | |
-Why do the French eat snails? -Why? | 0:02:14 | 0:02:17 | |
Cos they don't like fast food. | 0:02:17 | 0:02:19 | |
It is good. | 0:02:19 | 0:02:21 | |
Jokes, jokes, jokes, jokes, jokes. | 0:02:26 | 0:02:28 | |
I want more! | 0:02:28 | 0:02:29 | |
THEY SCREAM | 0:02:34 | 0:02:37 | |
Joke time! | 0:02:42 | 0:02:43 | |
Welcome to The Joke Machine. Now, get joking. | 0:02:45 | 0:02:48 | |
What's a giant ape and flies at 5,000 miles per hour? | 0:02:48 | 0:02:51 | |
What? | 0:02:51 | 0:02:53 | |
A King Concorde. | 0:02:53 | 0:02:54 | |
-BUZZER -Mm, sad face. | 0:02:54 | 0:02:56 | |
Go back to your fat granny's condo, | 0:02:56 | 0:02:58 | |
ask her to make some cookies and stay there. | 0:02:58 | 0:03:00 | |
Who do you think you are? | 0:03:00 | 0:03:02 | |
A human being. | 0:03:02 | 0:03:04 | |
Valid answer, but it's still the wrong one. | 0:03:04 | 0:03:06 | |
And who likes wrong answers? | 0:03:06 | 0:03:08 | |
Cupcake does. | 0:03:08 | 0:03:10 | |
Ahh! | 0:03:10 | 0:03:11 | |
Oh, come on... Give me a good one! | 0:03:15 | 0:03:17 | |
What you call cheese that isn't yours? | 0:03:17 | 0:03:20 | |
Nacho cheese. | 0:03:20 | 0:03:21 | |
Ay, ay, ay! | 0:03:21 | 0:03:23 | |
Ho-ho, I hope the good times keep coming! | 0:03:36 | 0:03:39 | |
How do you spot a modern spider? | 0:03:39 | 0:03:41 | |
I don't know. How? | 0:03:41 | 0:03:42 | |
It doesn't have a web, it has a website. | 0:03:42 | 0:03:44 | |
BUZZER | 0:03:44 | 0:03:46 | |
Nice entrance. | 0:03:48 | 0:03:49 | |
What does the pig say on the sunny summer holidays? | 0:03:49 | 0:03:51 | |
What? | 0:03:51 | 0:03:52 | |
I'm "bakin'." | 0:03:52 | 0:03:54 | |
Yes! Yes, that is a great joke! | 0:03:54 | 0:03:57 | |
Yay! | 0:03:57 | 0:03:59 | |
Next joke, please. | 0:03:59 | 0:04:01 | |
What did the sharpener say to the pencil? | 0:04:01 | 0:04:03 | |
Stop going around in circles and get to the point. | 0:04:03 | 0:04:06 | |
Woo-woo-hoo, ah, yes! | 0:04:06 | 0:04:09 | |
Woo-hoo, woo-hoo, woo-hoo! | 0:04:09 | 0:04:12 | |
Who won that one? | 0:04:13 | 0:04:15 | |
It was... | 0:04:15 | 0:04:17 | |
Zowie! | 0:04:17 | 0:04:19 | |
Roscoe. | 0:04:19 | 0:04:21 | |
THEY BOO | 0:04:21 | 0:04:23 | |
Don't boo me, boo yourselves. | 0:04:23 | 0:04:25 | |
Phew, we got some good jokes there, | 0:04:27 | 0:04:30 | |
but I need more. | 0:04:30 | 0:04:32 | |
So, I'll see you again. | 0:04:32 | 0:04:34 | |
Joke you later, gagsters! | 0:04:34 | 0:04:36 |