Episode 18 The Joke Machine
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Transcript
| Line | From | To | |
|---|---|---|---|
-Across the UK... -..sightings have been reported | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
of a mysterious object in the sky. | 0:00:04 | 0:00:05 | |
What does it want from us? | 0:00:05 | 0:00:07 | |
-Thousands of children... -..hoping they will be chosen. | 0:00:07 | 0:00:10 | |
One man is on a mission to find the funniest jokes. | 0:00:10 | 0:00:15 | |
He is... | 0:00:15 | 0:00:16 | |
..the Joke Master. | 0:00:18 | 0:00:20 | |
Did someone say my name? | 0:00:20 | 0:00:21 | |
And this is The Joke Machine. | 0:00:22 | 0:00:24 | |
Joke machine, activate! | 0:00:28 | 0:00:30 | |
Cough-cough... Joke machine, activate! | 0:00:33 | 0:00:36 | |
MACHINE RUMBLES | 0:00:36 | 0:00:38 | |
Where are we going? | 0:00:38 | 0:00:40 | |
-ALL: -Yay! | 0:00:42 | 0:00:43 | |
Make me crack up, you jokesters! | 0:00:48 | 0:00:50 | |
First up, let's see how it goes. | 0:00:52 | 0:00:55 | |
Why did the scarecrow win an award? | 0:00:55 | 0:00:58 | |
Don't know. | 0:00:58 | 0:00:59 | |
Because he was outstanding in his field. | 0:00:59 | 0:01:01 | |
BUZZER | 0:01:01 | 0:01:02 | |
Well, even with these I cannot see the funny. | 0:01:02 | 0:01:05 | |
I can see my house from here, though. | 0:01:09 | 0:01:11 | |
What's a pirate's favourite subject? | 0:01:11 | 0:01:15 | |
Arr-E. | 0:01:15 | 0:01:17 | |
Wha! Funny. | 0:01:17 | 0:01:18 | |
Send in the next one. | 0:01:21 | 0:01:22 | |
Doctor, Doctor! I think I need glasses. | 0:01:22 | 0:01:25 | |
You certainly do, this is a restaurant. | 0:01:25 | 0:01:28 | |
Foo-hoo-hoo, that is funny. | 0:01:28 | 0:01:30 | |
Yes! | 0:01:30 | 0:01:32 | |
Beat you! | 0:01:32 | 0:01:34 | |
Oh, have you? | 0:01:34 | 0:01:36 | |
Ah! | 0:01:36 | 0:01:37 | |
Hm? | 0:01:37 | 0:01:39 | |
Hello, mate. Has anybody ever said you're funny? | 0:01:39 | 0:01:41 | |
No. Very sad. | 0:01:41 | 0:01:43 | |
Oh... Onwards and upwards. | 0:01:43 | 0:01:45 | |
What's a cat's favourite colour? | 0:01:45 | 0:01:47 | |
Don't know. | 0:01:47 | 0:01:48 | |
Purrr-ple. | 0:01:48 | 0:01:49 | |
BUZZER | 0:01:49 | 0:01:51 | |
Ugh... Surely you can do a better cat impression than that. | 0:01:51 | 0:01:54 | |
Not really, no. I'm not a cat. | 0:01:54 | 0:01:56 | |
You can't do an impression of a cat and you're not even funny. | 0:01:56 | 0:01:59 | |
Well, Michael McIntyre got everything from me. | 0:01:59 | 0:02:01 | |
Yeah, well, that's probably why he doesn't do anything about cats. | 0:02:01 | 0:02:04 | |
Bring in the next one! | 0:02:09 | 0:02:11 | |
What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo? | 0:02:11 | 0:02:14 | |
I've got a feeling I know this one. | 0:02:14 | 0:02:16 | |
A woolly jumper. | 0:02:16 | 0:02:17 | |
Yes, I do. And I like it! | 0:02:17 | 0:02:20 | |
Yes! Come on! | 0:02:20 | 0:02:22 | |
Legend. | 0:02:22 | 0:02:23 | |
Bring me the new class. | 0:02:26 | 0:02:28 | |
-ALL: -Holy Family! | 0:02:34 | 0:02:36 | |
Join the joke battle! | 0:02:41 | 0:02:43 | |
You've got a jokey-wokey? | 0:02:44 | 0:02:46 | |
-What did the bird say when his cage fell apart? -What? | 0:02:46 | 0:02:49 | |
"CHEAP-CHEAP." | 0:02:49 | 0:02:50 | |
BUZZER | 0:02:50 | 0:02:51 | |
HE WHISTLES | 0:02:51 | 0:02:52 | |
What's that, Polly? | 0:02:52 | 0:02:54 | |
Oh, you didn't think that joke was funny as well? | 0:02:54 | 0:02:57 | |
Calling yourself the Joke Master, you're more like the lame master. | 0:02:57 | 0:03:01 | |
What did you call me? | 0:03:01 | 0:03:02 | |
OK, what have you got for me? | 0:03:05 | 0:03:06 | |
-What did the tissue say to the nose? -What? | 0:03:06 | 0:03:10 | |
Don't get snotty with me! | 0:03:10 | 0:03:12 | |
BLOWING NOSE | 0:03:12 | 0:03:15 | |
What's in there? Oh, it's a whole lot of funny. | 0:03:15 | 0:03:18 | |
Yes, thanks. You're not so bad after all. | 0:03:18 | 0:03:21 | |
That's really nice of you to say. I don't get many compliments. | 0:03:21 | 0:03:24 | |
I was walking in the zoo and I saw a man push a rhino over. | 0:03:25 | 0:03:29 | |
I said to him, "You can't leave that lying on the floor." | 0:03:29 | 0:03:31 | |
And he said to me, "It's not a LION, it's a rhino." | 0:03:31 | 0:03:34 | |
BUZZER | 0:03:34 | 0:03:35 | |
Give me an N... N! Give me an O... O! | 0:03:35 | 0:03:38 | |
Give me a T... T! Give me a funny... Funny! | 0:03:38 | 0:03:41 | |
What have we got? Not funny. | 0:03:41 | 0:03:43 | |
Oh, shut up. | 0:03:43 | 0:03:45 | |
You wouldn't know a joke if it fell out of the sky and knocked you out. | 0:03:45 | 0:03:50 | |
Bye. | 0:03:50 | 0:03:51 | |
No, you don't know what you're doing! | 0:03:51 | 0:03:54 | |
I hope he doesn't speak to his mother with that mouth. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:56 | |
Tell me your joke. | 0:03:57 | 0:03:58 | |
What's the difference between a schoolteacher and a train? | 0:03:58 | 0:04:01 | |
Don't know. | 0:04:01 | 0:04:02 | |
Well, the teacher says "Spit your gum out." | 0:04:02 | 0:04:04 | |
And the train says, "CHEW-CHEW-CHEW." | 0:04:04 | 0:04:06 | |
BUZZER | 0:04:06 | 0:04:07 | |
Get away from me, bad joke! | 0:04:07 | 0:04:09 | |
This better not be a bad one. | 0:04:13 | 0:04:15 | |
-Why did the werewolf get arrested at the butcher shop? -Why? | 0:04:15 | 0:04:18 | |
Cos it was caught CHOP-lifting. | 0:04:18 | 0:04:20 | |
Boom, boom, boom! | 0:04:20 | 0:04:22 | |
Yay! | 0:04:22 | 0:04:24 | |
Hm... | 0:04:24 | 0:04:26 | |
Who is the victor? | 0:04:26 | 0:04:28 | |
It was... | 0:04:28 | 0:04:30 | |
you! | 0:04:30 | 0:04:31 | |
St Edmund's! | 0:04:32 | 0:04:34 | |
THEY CHEER | 0:04:34 | 0:04:36 | |
THEY BOO | 0:04:36 | 0:04:38 | |
Holy cow... You lost, Holy Family. | 0:04:38 | 0:04:41 | |
Whoo! | 0:04:41 | 0:04:43 | |
We got some funny stuff in the bag, | 0:04:43 | 0:04:46 | |
but I want more! | 0:04:46 | 0:04:47 | |
So, I'll see you again. | 0:04:48 | 0:04:49 | |
Joke you later, jokey jokers. | 0:04:49 | 0:04:52 |
