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Episode 21 The Joke Machine

Episode 21

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Transcript

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Across the UK...

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Sightings have been reported of a mysterious object in the sky.

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What does it want from us?

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Thousands of children...

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Hoping they will be chosen.

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One man is on a mission to find the funniest jokes.

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He is...

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The Joke Master.

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That's my name, don't wear it out!

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And this is The Joke Machine.

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Joke Machine, activate!

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Joke machine, activate!

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Where are we going?

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THEY CHEER

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Let's get cracking, jokers!

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What have you got for me?

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What do you call a man that doesn't like jam?

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What?

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-A jammy dodger.

-BUZZER

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Oh, that is the worst jam joke I have ever heard.

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You're the worst person I've ever heard!

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Well, I'm not going to preserve that comment!

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Aaagh!

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Send in the next one.

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Why was the boy unhappy to win first prize

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-at the Halloween costume competition?

-Why?

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Because he only came to pick up his sister.

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APPLAUSE Zoom, zoom, boom, boom, yeah!

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-BELL CHIMES

-I get that a lot.

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Ho, ho! I hope the good times keep coming!

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What have you got for me?

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What kind of key opens a banana?

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A monkey.

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APPLAUSE You put the fun in funny.

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-BELL CHIMES

-Yeah!

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Yeah.

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Jokey, jokey jokes!

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A man came running into the hospital saying, "Doctor, Doctor!

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"I only have 59 more seconds to live!" And the doctor said,

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"Sit over there, I'll be with you in one minute".

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Badoom-tish!

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But then he's not going to survi...

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That's why it's funny! APPLAUSE

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-BELL CHIMES

-Yay!

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We have hit the triple, ladies and gentlemen!

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What did the horse say in the fridge?

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-What?

-Brrrrrr!

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BUZZER Ney!

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Ah, ah, ah!

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Tell me your joke.

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What's the difference between homework and an onion?

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HE CRUNCHES APPLE

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Nobody cries when you cut up homework.

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That was almost as good as this apple! Which means it was good.

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-BELL CHIMES, APPLAUSE

-Yeah!

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Hey, this counts as one of my five a day. Next class!

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We are awesome!

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Joke time!

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Where am I?

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It's a machine of jokes. Do you understand?

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-Think so!

-Good. Tell me a joke.

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I was playing in a football match

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and I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger and bigger...

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-And then it hit me.

-BUZZER

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Do I like this joke? No, I don't like this joke. Grrr!

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This better not be a bad one!

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One day, a man came to our door.

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He said he was collecting for the children's home.

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So my dad gave him all of us.

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APPLAUSE Good joke!

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-BELL CHIMES

-Yes!

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Hmmm, I want more jokes!

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What kind of trees and do maths teachers climb?

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Don't know.

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Geometries.

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BUZZER Not funny. Not funny. Not funny.

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D'oh! That joke was the best!

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Here comes Cupcake!

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-GROWLING

-Aaaagh!

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Send in the next one.

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-What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck?

-What?

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Milk and quackers.

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As my Russian grandmother would say, "Nyes nyus nyis nash nush nushgu".

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I don't know what she was saying, but I'm pretty confident it was,

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"That's funny!"

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-BELL CHIMES, APPLAUSE

-Yes!

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I want some more! I want some more!

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Why is concrete lumpy?

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Why?

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Cement to be.

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BUZZER Was that cement to be so awful?

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Well, if you think you could do a better joke,

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then come up here and do it!

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I can do it right from here!

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What happened when the red light saw the blue light? He said...

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actually, I haven't got time.

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-Where am I?

-You are in a joke machine.

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Stop pirouetting.

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Do you really, really know me?

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Uh... Yeah...

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Will you ever forget me?

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Hopefully not.

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OK, knock, knock.

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Who's there?

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-Oh, you've forgotten me already!

-BUZZER

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Stop knocking on my door, whoever you are.

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Aaah! Let me out!

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Hmmm... Who was the victor?

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It was...

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You!

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St Joseph's!

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Yeah!

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-At least you got your health, Mapledean.

-Boo!

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Whoo, we got some good stuff there!

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But too many bad... PHONE RINGS

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Hello? Oh, hi, sweetheart. Yeah, I'm on my way home...

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OK... Joke you later.

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Whoops, yeah, love you, love you...

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Joke you later, jokesters!

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