Episode 22 The Joke Machine
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Transcript
| Line | From | To | |
|---|---|---|---|
-Across the UK... -..sightings have been reported | 0:07:01 | 0:07:04 | |
of a mysterious object in the sky. | 0:07:04 | 0:07:05 | |
What does it want from us? | 0:07:05 | 0:07:07 | |
-Thousands of children... -..hoping they will be chosen. | 0:07:07 | 0:07:10 | |
One man is on a mission to find the funniest jokes. | 0:07:10 | 0:07:15 | |
He is... | 0:07:15 | 0:07:16 | |
..the Joke Master. | 0:07:18 | 0:07:19 | |
That's me! | 0:07:19 | 0:07:21 | |
And this is The Joke Machine. | 0:07:21 | 0:07:23 | |
Joke machine, activate! | 0:07:28 | 0:07:30 | |
PFFFFPPPFFT! | 0:07:30 | 0:07:32 | |
I've not been well. | 0:07:32 | 0:07:34 | |
Joke machine, activate. | 0:07:34 | 0:07:36 | |
PFFFFPPPFFT! | 0:07:38 | 0:07:40 | |
Where are we going? | 0:07:40 | 0:07:41 | |
THEY SCREAM | 0:07:45 | 0:07:47 | |
Let's get these jokers cracking up. | 0:07:53 | 0:07:56 | |
Bring on the joke train. | 0:07:58 | 0:07:59 | |
A woman was in a shoe shop trying on a pair of shoes. | 0:07:59 | 0:08:03 | |
"They're a bit tight," she said to the shop assistant. | 0:08:03 | 0:08:06 | |
The shop assistant replies, | 0:08:06 | 0:08:07 | |
"Try them with the tongue out." | 0:08:07 | 0:08:09 | |
-LISPING: -"They're still a bit tight!" | 0:08:09 | 0:08:11 | |
That made me laugh. | 0:08:11 | 0:08:14 | |
Yay! | 0:08:14 | 0:08:15 | |
Thumbs up! | 0:08:15 | 0:08:17 | |
A man walked into a pet shop and he said, | 0:08:17 | 0:08:19 | |
"Can I get a parrot for my wife?" | 0:08:19 | 0:08:21 | |
And the woman said, | 0:08:21 | 0:08:22 | |
"Sorry, we don't do swaps." | 0:08:22 | 0:08:23 | |
BUZZER Oh, you cannot win with that joke, lassie. | 0:08:23 | 0:08:27 | |
I'd like to see you try. | 0:08:27 | 0:08:28 | |
OK. There was a monkey and a rooster and they... | 0:08:28 | 0:08:32 | |
Eh, I haven't got time. | 0:08:32 | 0:08:33 | |
Come on, buddy, hit me with it. | 0:08:38 | 0:08:39 | |
What happened when the robber went into the chippy? | 0:08:39 | 0:08:41 | |
The fish got battered and the chips got ASSAULTED! | 0:08:41 | 0:08:44 | |
BUZZER | 0:08:44 | 0:08:46 | |
ALARM BEEPS | 0:08:46 | 0:08:47 | |
It's another fish joke! | 0:08:47 | 0:08:50 | |
Just leave. | 0:08:50 | 0:08:52 | |
Ah! | 0:08:52 | 0:08:53 | |
Bring in the next one. | 0:08:56 | 0:08:58 | |
-Why did the orange take the prune to the party? -Why? | 0:08:58 | 0:09:02 | |
Because it couldn't find a DATE! | 0:09:02 | 0:09:04 | |
BUZZER Not funny! | 0:09:04 | 0:09:06 | |
Oh, come on. Give me a good one. | 0:09:12 | 0:09:14 | |
How do you make a sausage roll? | 0:09:14 | 0:09:16 | |
Push it down a hill. | 0:09:16 | 0:09:17 | |
Classic! | 0:09:17 | 0:09:19 | |
Yeah! | 0:09:19 | 0:09:21 | |
Let's keep it going. | 0:09:22 | 0:09:23 | |
-What do you call a line of Barbies? -What? | 0:09:23 | 0:09:26 | |
A "BARBIE-CUE." | 0:09:26 | 0:09:27 | |
Hot dog, that's funny! | 0:09:27 | 0:09:29 | |
Ya-hoo! Woo-hoo! | 0:09:29 | 0:09:31 | |
Other unrealistic female role models are available. | 0:09:31 | 0:09:34 | |
Bring in the next victims! I mean, jokers. | 0:09:37 | 0:09:39 | |
THEY CHEER | 0:09:44 | 0:09:46 | |
Jokers are go-go. Go. | 0:09:52 | 0:09:54 | |
Mmm... I want more jokes. | 0:09:56 | 0:09:59 | |
What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot? | 0:09:59 | 0:10:02 | |
What? | 0:10:02 | 0:10:03 | |
One's an Australian marsupial who lives in Australia | 0:10:03 | 0:10:06 | |
and the other is a Geordie stuck in an elevator... | 0:10:06 | 0:10:09 | |
"I CAN'T-GER-ROOT!" | 0:10:09 | 0:10:10 | |
Why aye, man, that's funny, like. | 0:10:10 | 0:10:13 | |
Yay! | 0:10:13 | 0:10:15 | |
WITH GEORDIE ACCENT I don't own a coat. | 0:10:15 | 0:10:18 | |
-Why don't aliens eat clowns? -Why? | 0:10:18 | 0:10:22 | |
Because they taste funny. | 0:10:22 | 0:10:23 | |
BUZZER | 0:10:23 | 0:10:24 | |
Ag! I'm being taken over by an alien. Er, that joke is not funny. | 0:10:24 | 0:10:28 | |
Oh, come on! | 0:10:28 | 0:10:29 | |
Ugh. What just happened? | 0:10:29 | 0:10:31 | |
This will be a good one, I feel it in me bones. | 0:10:36 | 0:10:38 | |
-What's the fastest cake in the world? -What? | 0:10:38 | 0:10:41 | |
Scone. | 0:10:41 | 0:10:42 | |
SCO-ONE yourself, buddy. | 0:10:42 | 0:10:45 | |
Yeah! | 0:10:45 | 0:10:46 | |
Sco-on one, mate. Doesn't work. | 0:10:46 | 0:10:48 | |
There's two polar bears that have just made friends. | 0:10:48 | 0:10:50 | |
One of them says, | 0:10:50 | 0:10:52 | |
"What part of the Arctic Circle does your mummy come from?" "Alaska." | 0:10:52 | 0:10:55 | |
"Don't bother, I'll ASK HER, myself." | 0:10:55 | 0:10:57 | |
BUZZER Oh, mate. | 0:10:57 | 0:10:59 | |
Hiya. | 0:11:01 | 0:11:02 | |
There was a boy who called 999 saying, | 0:11:02 | 0:11:04 | |
"I need your help." | 0:11:04 | 0:11:05 | |
999 said, "What's the problem?" | 0:11:05 | 0:11:08 | |
The boy says, "Two girls fighting over me." | 0:11:08 | 0:11:10 | |
999 said, "So, what's your emergency?" | 0:11:10 | 0:11:12 | |
"The ugly one's winning. | 0:11:12 | 0:11:13 | |
BUZZER She's probably got a great personality. | 0:11:13 | 0:11:15 | |
It's not all about looks! | 0:11:15 | 0:11:17 | |
Why did the elephant paint himself in different colours? | 0:11:23 | 0:11:26 | |
So he could fit in the crayon box. | 0:11:26 | 0:11:28 | |
BUZZER | 0:11:28 | 0:11:29 | |
Um, what I think you've done is taken words and you put them together, | 0:11:29 | 0:11:32 | |
but you've forgotten to form them into a joke. | 0:11:32 | 0:11:34 | |
This is so depressing! | 0:11:34 | 0:11:35 | |
Hmm, who is the victor? | 0:11:39 | 0:11:41 | |
It was... | 0:11:42 | 0:11:44 | |
You! | 0:11:44 | 0:11:46 | |
THEY CHEER | 0:11:46 | 0:11:47 | |
St Bride's. | 0:11:47 | 0:11:48 | |
THEY BOO | 0:11:50 | 0:11:51 | |
Keep booing, you just sound like a cow with a cold. | 0:11:51 | 0:11:54 | |
Whew! | 0:11:56 | 0:11:57 | |
Got some good jokes there, but I need more! | 0:11:57 | 0:12:02 | |
So, I'll see you again. | 0:12:02 | 0:12:03 | |
Joke you later, jokesters. | 0:12:03 | 0:12:05 |
