Episode 25 The Joke Machine
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Transcript
| Line | From | To | |
|---|---|---|---|
-FEMALE REPORTER: -Sightings have been reported | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
of a mysterious object in the sky. | 0:00:04 | 0:00:06 | |
-MALE REPORTER: -What does it want from us? | 0:00:06 | 0:00:07 | |
Thousands of children... | 0:00:07 | 0:00:09 | |
Hoping they will be chosen. | 0:00:09 | 0:00:11 | |
One man is on a mission to find the funniest jokes. | 0:00:11 | 0:00:15 | |
He is... | 0:00:15 | 0:00:16 | |
..the Joke Master. | 0:00:18 | 0:00:20 | |
That's my name, don't wear it out. | 0:00:20 | 0:00:22 | |
And THIS is The Joke Machine! | 0:00:23 | 0:00:25 | |
Joke Machine, activated! | 0:00:28 | 0:00:31 | |
BIRTHDAY BLOWERS | 0:00:31 | 0:00:32 | |
Ah! Uh-huh! Uh... | 0:00:32 | 0:00:34 | |
HE SIGHS | 0:00:35 | 0:00:37 | |
Joke Machine, activate. | 0:00:37 | 0:00:38 | |
Where are we going? | 0:00:40 | 0:00:42 | |
CHEERING | 0:00:44 | 0:00:45 | |
Crack a nut time, jokesters! | 0:00:51 | 0:00:53 | |
# Hit me with your joke, yeah! # | 0:00:54 | 0:00:56 | |
What is Beethoven doing in his grave? | 0:00:56 | 0:00:59 | |
Decomposing. | 0:00:59 | 0:01:01 | |
I am not amused. | 0:01:01 | 0:01:02 | |
Seriously? What are you thinking? You're rubbish at laughter. | 0:01:03 | 0:01:07 | |
You just didn't elicit any from me. | 0:01:07 | 0:01:10 | |
Go for it. Good luck. | 0:01:13 | 0:01:14 | |
A dog walked into a newspaper office to place an ad in the paper. | 0:01:14 | 0:01:18 | |
He took out a blank piece of paper and wrote, | 0:01:18 | 0:01:20 | |
"Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof ,woof, woof." | 0:01:20 | 0:01:23 | |
The staff said, "There are only nine "woofs" here. | 0:01:23 | 0:01:26 | |
"You can have another "woof" for the same price." | 0:01:26 | 0:01:28 | |
The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all." | 0:01:28 | 0:01:31 | |
You make me ha, ha, ha! You've made me ha, ha, ha! | 0:01:31 | 0:01:35 | |
DING! | 0:01:35 | 0:01:36 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:01:36 | 0:01:37 | |
More, more, more! | 0:01:37 | 0:01:38 | |
Why was the cemetery crowded? | 0:01:38 | 0:01:41 | |
Because everybody was dying to get in! | 0:01:41 | 0:01:44 | |
I looked up funny in the dictionary, and you weren't there. | 0:01:44 | 0:01:47 | |
KLAXON | 0:01:47 | 0:01:48 | |
ANIMAL GROWLS | 0:01:50 | 0:01:51 | |
But you were listed under lame. | 0:01:51 | 0:01:52 | |
-Where do you cross a zebra? -Where? | 0:01:52 | 0:01:55 | |
A zebra crossing. | 0:01:55 | 0:01:56 | |
You gave away the punch line in the set-up! Rookie mistake! | 0:01:56 | 0:02:00 | |
-Well, I'm funnier than you. -You are NOT funnier than me! | 0:02:00 | 0:02:04 | |
-Huh? -What do you call twin vampires? | 0:02:09 | 0:02:12 | |
-What? -Blood brothers. | 0:02:12 | 0:02:14 | |
I VANT to suck the blood from your joke! | 0:02:14 | 0:02:17 | |
Yes! Get in there! | 0:02:17 | 0:02:19 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:02:19 | 0:02:20 | |
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? | 0:02:20 | 0:02:23 | |
Oh! What could be worse than that? | 0:02:23 | 0:02:25 | |
Finding half a worm. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:27 | |
Oh, that means I've eaten the other half! Ahhh! That's good! | 0:02:27 | 0:02:30 | |
Yay! | 0:02:30 | 0:02:31 | |
Bring in the next victims, I mean, Jokers! | 0:02:35 | 0:02:37 | |
CHEERING | 0:02:43 | 0:02:44 | |
Shall we get cracking, Jokers? | 0:02:50 | 0:02:53 | |
Come on, come on, come on, I want some jokes! | 0:02:55 | 0:02:57 | |
What did the big chicken say to the small chicken? | 0:02:57 | 0:02:59 | |
-I don't know, what? -"You're too young to lay an egg." | 0:02:59 | 0:03:02 | |
You should've kept that joke cooped up inside. | 0:03:02 | 0:03:05 | |
Come on! Give me a good one! | 0:03:08 | 0:03:10 | |
What's the same about a shark and a fish? | 0:03:10 | 0:03:13 | |
One is can-able and the other is a cannibal. | 0:03:13 | 0:03:16 | |
KLAXON | 0:03:16 | 0:03:17 | |
When you walked in, I thought, "I like this guy", | 0:03:18 | 0:03:21 | |
but then you said a joke about fish and now I don't like you! | 0:03:21 | 0:03:23 | |
You're a wee idiot! | 0:03:23 | 0:03:25 | |
Am I? | 0:03:26 | 0:03:27 | |
Ahhh! | 0:03:31 | 0:03:32 | |
GLASS BREAKS | 0:03:32 | 0:03:33 | |
Next! | 0:03:33 | 0:03:34 | |
-Why did the teacher jump over the clock? -Don't know, why? | 0:03:34 | 0:03:37 | |
Cos she wanted some overtime. | 0:03:37 | 0:03:39 | |
Eh-eh! | 0:03:39 | 0:03:40 | |
SHE SCREECHES | 0:03:40 | 0:03:41 | |
I'm a princess! And you don't disrespect princesses like that! | 0:03:41 | 0:03:45 | |
Princesses here, Joke Master is up here, hanging out with the king. | 0:03:45 | 0:03:50 | |
SHE YELPS | 0:03:52 | 0:03:53 | |
FROG CROAKS | 0:03:53 | 0:03:54 | |
-Knock, knock. -Who's there? | 0:03:55 | 0:03:57 | |
-I love Doctor. -I love Doctor who? | 0:03:57 | 0:04:00 | |
Well, you love Doctor Who now, don't you? | 0:04:00 | 0:04:02 | |
Well, I prefer Torchwood, I just don't know what you're getting at. | 0:04:02 | 0:04:05 | |
-Well, tell me your joke! You're not funny either! -Knock, knock. | 0:04:05 | 0:04:08 | |
Who's there? | 0:04:08 | 0:04:10 | |
HE SCREAMS | 0:04:11 | 0:04:12 | |
It's the last one from your class. Make it count. | 0:04:14 | 0:04:16 | |
There's a cowboy and he goes into town on Friday. | 0:04:16 | 0:04:19 | |
He stays for two nights and goes home on Friday. How does he do it? | 0:04:19 | 0:04:24 | |
Something about the horse? | 0:04:24 | 0:04:25 | |
His horse's name is Friday. | 0:04:25 | 0:04:27 | |
I knew it and I still love it! | 0:04:27 | 0:04:29 | |
Yay! | 0:04:29 | 0:04:30 | |
Hmm. Who was the victor? | 0:04:32 | 0:04:35 | |
It was... | 0:04:35 | 0:04:36 | |
DRUM ROLL | 0:04:36 | 0:04:38 | |
You. | 0:04:38 | 0:04:40 | |
St James's! | 0:04:40 | 0:04:41 | |
CHEERING | 0:04:41 | 0:04:43 | |
Cheer up, it's home time soon. | 0:04:44 | 0:04:46 | |
Whoo! We got some funny stuff. Funny stuff. But I need more! | 0:04:48 | 0:04:53 | |
So, check you later, Jokesters. | 0:04:53 | 0:04:55 | |
MECHANICAL WHIRRING | 0:04:56 | 0:04:58 |