Episode 28 The Joke Machine
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Transcript
| Line | From | To | |
|---|---|---|---|
-Across the UK... -Sightings have been reported of a mysterious | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
-object in the sky. -What does it want from us? | 0:00:04 | 0:00:07 | |
-Thousands of children... -Hoping they will be chosen. | 0:00:07 | 0:00:10 | |
One man is on a mission to find the funniest jokes. | 0:00:10 | 0:00:15 | |
He is... | 0:00:15 | 0:00:17 | |
..the Joke Master. | 0:00:18 | 0:00:19 | |
Did someone say... | 0:00:19 | 0:00:22 | |
my name? | 0:00:22 | 0:00:23 | |
And this is... | 0:00:23 | 0:00:26 | |
Joke Machine, activate! | 0:00:30 | 0:00:32 | |
SIRENS BLARE Ah! Oh! Aaahh! | 0:00:32 | 0:00:37 | |
Joke Machine, activate. | 0:00:37 | 0:00:38 | |
Where are we going? | 0:00:41 | 0:00:43 | |
Let's get cracking, jokers! | 0:00:54 | 0:00:56 | |
-Have we got a funny one here? -Yes. | 0:00:58 | 0:01:00 | |
Says who? | 0:01:00 | 0:01:01 | |
My mum. | 0:01:01 | 0:01:02 | |
Tell me the joke. | 0:01:02 | 0:01:04 | |
-Knock, knock. -Who's there? | 0:01:04 | 0:01:05 | |
-Cows. -Cows who? | 0:01:05 | 0:01:07 | |
Cows don't who, they moo! | 0:01:07 | 0:01:10 | |
Tell your mum that I said she's right. | 0:01:10 | 0:01:13 | |
Yay! | 0:01:13 | 0:01:14 | |
Next. | 0:01:14 | 0:01:16 | |
Why did the spaceman leave the disco? | 0:01:16 | 0:01:18 | |
Don't know. | 0:01:18 | 0:01:19 | |
Because there's no atmosphere. | 0:01:19 | 0:01:21 | |
Boom ka-ching! | 0:01:21 | 0:01:22 | |
Boom ka-ching-ching-ching! Good joke. | 0:01:22 | 0:01:25 | |
Just pay me in tens and twenties and that'll be fine. | 0:01:25 | 0:01:28 | |
Let's not bring money into this. | 0:01:28 | 0:01:30 | |
The Joke Machine is a non-profit organisation. | 0:01:30 | 0:01:34 | |
-Why do bees have sticky hair? -Why? | 0:01:34 | 0:01:37 | |
Because they use honeycombs! | 0:01:37 | 0:01:38 | |
BUZZER Negative on the ha-ha. | 0:01:38 | 0:01:41 | |
Nuh-uh, you don't say that about my joke. | 0:01:41 | 0:01:44 | |
Yuh-huh, I did say that about your joke. | 0:01:44 | 0:01:46 | |
Hiya! | 0:01:50 | 0:01:51 | |
-What do you call an elf singer? -What? | 0:01:51 | 0:01:54 | |
Elf-is! | 0:01:54 | 0:01:55 | |
Woo-hoo! | 0:01:55 | 0:01:57 | |
Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop! | 0:01:57 | 0:01:59 | |
More, more, more! | 0:01:59 | 0:02:00 | |
Why does the gorilla have such big nostrils? | 0:02:00 | 0:02:03 | |
Because he has such big fingers. | 0:02:03 | 0:02:06 | |
BUZZER Joke not funny. Sad face. | 0:02:06 | 0:02:08 | |
Well, I think it's good. | 0:02:08 | 0:02:10 | |
-Goodbye. -No... | 0:02:10 | 0:02:12 | |
Bring in the next victims... I mean, jokers! | 0:02:15 | 0:02:18 | |
OK, Class 2, am I buying what you're selling? | 0:02:30 | 0:02:34 | |
Hmm? | 0:02:34 | 0:02:35 | |
One-two-three! Jokes! | 0:02:37 | 0:02:38 | |
Do you think volcanoes are hot? | 0:02:38 | 0:02:40 | |
Er, yes. | 0:02:40 | 0:02:42 | |
Why don't you marry it, then? | 0:02:42 | 0:02:44 | |
You can't. Good luck getting a marriage certificate for that one. | 0:02:44 | 0:02:46 | |
That's not fair! | 0:02:46 | 0:02:48 | |
SHE SCREAMS | 0:02:50 | 0:02:51 | |
Volcanoes can't even do a signature. | 0:02:51 | 0:02:53 | |
Hit me with it. | 0:02:55 | 0:02:57 | |
"Doctor, doctor, I think I'm shrinking." | 0:02:57 | 0:02:59 | |
"Well, you're just going to have to be a little patient." | 0:02:59 | 0:03:02 | |
Please tell me you didn't think that was funny. | 0:03:02 | 0:03:06 | |
Get your facts right, because I'm the funniest person in Manchester, | 0:03:06 | 0:03:09 | |
and all you do is sit down and listen to jokes. | 0:03:09 | 0:03:12 | |
And if you're so good at jokes, tell me one. | 0:03:12 | 0:03:15 | |
I bet I won't laugh. | 0:03:15 | 0:03:16 | |
What did one child from Manchester say to a child from Liverpool? | 0:03:16 | 0:03:20 | |
Ha-ha! Nothing, because the kid from Wigan was in the way! | 0:03:20 | 0:03:23 | |
You're making me laugh, you're that pathetic. | 0:03:23 | 0:03:28 | |
Well, a laugh's a laugh, which is more than you got, buddy. | 0:03:28 | 0:03:31 | |
Tell me your joke. | 0:03:36 | 0:03:37 | |
What did the big phone say to the little phone? | 0:03:37 | 0:03:39 | |
What? | 0:03:39 | 0:03:40 | |
You're too young to be engaged. | 0:03:40 | 0:03:42 | |
Yes! Funny, and really good life advice. | 0:03:42 | 0:03:46 | |
Yes! I did it! | 0:03:46 | 0:03:48 | |
Next joke. | 0:03:48 | 0:03:50 | |
Why doesn't a caterpillar play football? | 0:03:50 | 0:03:52 | |
Why? | 0:03:52 | 0:03:53 | |
Because it takes a lot of time to put his football trainers on. | 0:03:53 | 0:03:56 | |
Wait, wait... | 0:03:56 | 0:03:58 | |
Yeah, it would take ages. Ha-ha! | 0:03:58 | 0:04:00 | |
Yay! | 0:04:00 | 0:04:02 | |
I want some more. | 0:04:02 | 0:04:04 | |
-Knock, knock. -Who's there? | 0:04:04 | 0:04:06 | |
-Atch. -Atch who? | 0:04:06 | 0:04:08 | |
Bless you. Do you need some tissues? | 0:04:08 | 0:04:09 | |
BUZZER No. I need you to leave my doorway | 0:04:09 | 0:04:12 | |
and stop spreading the cold. | 0:04:12 | 0:04:13 | |
Shock. Horror. | 0:04:13 | 0:04:16 | |
This can't be happening. | 0:04:16 | 0:04:17 | |
I'm the funniest person I know. | 0:04:17 | 0:04:19 | |
And this is the funniest joke on Planet Earth. | 0:04:19 | 0:04:23 | |
You're the only person you know, | 0:04:23 | 0:04:25 | |
and it's not the funniest joke on this Earth. | 0:04:25 | 0:04:27 | |
I can beat you any day, Joke Master! | 0:04:27 | 0:04:30 | |
Ah! Ahhhh! | 0:04:31 | 0:04:34 | |
Bye-bye! | 0:04:34 | 0:04:37 | |
Hmm... Who was the victor? | 0:04:37 | 0:04:39 | |
It was... DRUM ROLL | 0:04:40 | 0:04:42 | |
You! | 0:04:42 | 0:04:44 | |
CHEERING St Mary's! | 0:04:44 | 0:04:47 | |
BOOING Do better, Holy Trinity. | 0:04:48 | 0:04:51 | |
Some good jokes there, team. | 0:04:53 | 0:04:55 | |
But not enough! | 0:04:55 | 0:04:57 | |
So we're going to have to do this again. | 0:04:57 | 0:04:59 | |
Joke you later. | 0:04:59 | 0:05:01 |