Episode 29 The Joke Machine
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Transcript
| Line | From | To | |
|---|---|---|---|
-Across the UK... -Sightings have been reported of a mysterious | 0:56:02 | 0:56:04 | |
-object in the sky. -What does it want from us? | 0:56:04 | 0:56:07 | |
Thousands of children... | 0:56:07 | 0:56:09 | |
Hoping they will be chosen... | 0:56:09 | 0:56:10 | |
One man is on a mission | 0:56:10 | 0:56:12 | |
to find the funniest jokes. | 0:56:12 | 0:56:15 | |
He is... | 0:56:15 | 0:56:16 | |
..the Joke Master. | 0:56:18 | 0:56:20 | |
That's my name, don't wear it out! | 0:56:20 | 0:56:22 | |
And this is the Joke Machine. | 0:56:22 | 0:56:25 | |
Joke Machine, activate! | 0:56:29 | 0:56:31 | |
Agh! Ah! | 0:56:31 | 0:56:34 | |
Huh. Joke Machine, activate. | 0:56:36 | 0:56:38 | |
Where are we going? | 0:56:40 | 0:56:42 | |
CHEERING | 0:56:44 | 0:56:46 | |
Cracking up time, jokesters! | 0:56:50 | 0:56:52 | |
Come on, come on, come on! | 0:56:54 | 0:56:55 | |
What do you call a shark's favourite TV soap? | 0:56:55 | 0:56:58 | |
What? | 0:56:58 | 0:56:59 | |
BeastEnders. | 0:56:59 | 0:57:01 | |
That sounds better than the real thing! | 0:57:01 | 0:57:03 | |
Yes! | 0:57:03 | 0:57:04 | |
Go, go, go! | 0:57:04 | 0:57:06 | |
I went the other day to buy some camouflage trousers, | 0:57:06 | 0:57:09 | |
but I couldn't find them! | 0:57:09 | 0:57:10 | |
BUZZ Not funny in the slightest. | 0:57:10 | 0:57:14 | |
That is not right at all, mister. | 0:57:14 | 0:57:17 | |
Ahhh! | 0:57:18 | 0:57:20 | |
SCREECHING | 0:57:20 | 0:57:23 | |
I saw an ad in a shop window. | 0:57:23 | 0:57:25 | |
It was a TV for sale. | 0:57:25 | 0:57:27 | |
It was 32 inches for £25. | 0:57:27 | 0:57:30 | |
The only thing was, the volume was stuck on high. | 0:57:30 | 0:57:32 | |
I thought... | 0:57:32 | 0:57:34 | |
"Can't turn that down!" | 0:57:34 | 0:57:35 | |
I'm going to lasso me some funny! | 0:57:35 | 0:57:37 | |
Yes! | 0:57:37 | 0:57:39 | |
Woo! Ha-ha! I've got you. | 0:57:39 | 0:57:41 | |
What do you call James Bond in the bath? | 0:57:44 | 0:57:46 | |
What? | 0:57:46 | 0:57:47 | |
Bubble Oh Seven. | 0:57:47 | 0:57:48 | |
BUZZ Phwoo! | 0:57:48 | 0:57:50 | |
That was funny and you didn't catch it. | 0:57:50 | 0:57:52 | |
Ahhh! | 0:57:54 | 0:57:55 | |
Oh, come on! Give me a good one! | 0:57:57 | 0:57:58 | |
Why did the ghost not go to the ball? | 0:57:58 | 0:58:01 | |
Because he had no body to go with! | 0:58:01 | 0:58:03 | |
BUZZ The funny was absent. | 0:58:03 | 0:58:05 | |
Let's bring in the new lot. | 0:58:10 | 0:58:11 | |
ALL: St John Fisher! | 0:58:17 | 0:58:19 | |
Grrrr! | 0:58:19 | 0:58:20 | |
We are go for jokes. | 0:58:24 | 0:58:26 | |
Welcome to the Joke Machine! | 0:58:27 | 0:58:29 | |
Do not disappoint me. | 0:58:29 | 0:58:31 | |
What's black and white and read all over? | 0:58:31 | 0:58:33 | |
A newspaper. | 0:58:33 | 0:58:35 | |
Zoom-zoom, boom-boom, yeah! | 0:58:35 | 0:58:37 | |
Woop, woop! | 0:58:37 | 0:58:38 | |
Send in the next one! | 0:58:38 | 0:58:40 | |
What do you get when you cross karate with painting? | 0:58:40 | 0:58:43 | |
What? | 0:58:43 | 0:58:44 | |
Martial Arts. | 0:58:44 | 0:58:45 | |
BUZZ Well now I'm in a bad mood! | 0:58:45 | 0:58:48 | |
Ahh! | 0:58:48 | 0:58:49 | |
Next! | 0:58:50 | 0:58:51 | |
What have you got for me? | 0:58:52 | 0:58:54 | |
Well, in class, Billy was pulling faces | 0:58:54 | 0:58:57 | |
and the teacher told him not to, so Billy asked why. | 0:58:57 | 0:58:59 | |
The teacher said, "When I was your age, | 0:58:59 | 0:59:01 | |
"I was told that if I kept pulling faces like that, | 0:59:01 | 0:59:04 | |
"my face would stay that way." | 0:59:04 | 0:59:05 | |
Then Billy replied, | 0:59:05 | 0:59:06 | |
"I can see you didn't listen." | 0:59:06 | 0:59:08 | |
BUZZ Disappointed in you. | 0:59:08 | 0:59:09 | |
Well, you look just like my teacher then. | 0:59:09 | 0:59:11 | |
Well, your teacher must be gorgeous. | 0:59:11 | 0:59:15 | |
You haven't heard the... | 0:59:15 | 0:59:17 | |
Well, I am sick of bad jokes. Make it good. | 0:59:17 | 0:59:20 | |
Knock, knock. | 0:59:20 | 0:59:21 | |
Who's there? | 0:59:21 | 0:59:22 | |
A tack. | 0:59:22 | 0:59:23 | |
A tack who? | 0:59:23 | 0:59:24 | |
Attack you! | 0:59:24 | 0:59:25 | |
BUZZ Whoa! Was that a joke or a threat? | 0:59:25 | 0:59:28 | |
It could either be a threat, or a joke. | 0:59:28 | 0:59:31 | |
You choose. | 0:59:31 | 0:59:32 | |
Someone call the police! | 0:59:32 | 0:59:34 | |
Argh! | 0:59:34 | 0:59:36 | |
Ha-ha-ha! | 0:59:36 | 0:59:38 | |
-I said, get away! -Ah! | 0:59:38 | 0:59:40 | |
HE SIGHS | 0:59:41 | 0:59:43 | |
Why did the toilet roll roll down the hill? | 0:59:44 | 0:59:46 | |
To get to the bottom! | 0:59:46 | 0:59:48 | |
A-ha-ha-ha! That was good. | 0:59:48 | 0:59:50 | |
Thanks. I like you. | 0:59:50 | 0:59:52 | |
What's the difference between a fish and a guitar? | 0:59:54 | 0:59:57 | |
You can't tuna fish! | 0:59:58 | 0:59:59 | |
BUZZ | 0:59:59 | 1:00:01 | |
ALARM BLARES | 1:00:01 | 1:00:02 | |
Did she say fish? | 1:00:02 | 1:00:04 | |
Did you say fish? | 1:00:04 | 1:00:06 | |
DID she say fish? | 1:00:06 | 1:00:07 | |
You said fish! | 1:00:07 | 1:00:09 | |
Well, you know what's funny? | 1:00:09 | 1:00:10 | |
You're a joke yourself! | 1:00:10 | 1:00:12 | |
I'm not a joke! Look at how I'm dressed. | 1:00:12 | 1:00:15 | |
No! Ahhh! | 1:00:15 | 1:00:17 | |
GROWLING | 1:00:17 | 1:00:19 | |
The last one from your class. Make it count. | 1:00:20 | 1:00:22 | |
What do you cut the sea with? | 1:00:22 | 1:00:23 | |
What? | 1:00:23 | 1:00:25 | |
A sea saw. | 1:00:25 | 1:00:26 | |
Yes! That is a great joke! | 1:00:26 | 1:00:28 | |
Aw, thank you very much! | 1:00:28 | 1:00:31 | |
Hmm... | 1:00:31 | 1:00:32 | |
who was the victor? | 1:00:32 | 1:00:35 | |
It was... DRUM ROLL | 1:00:35 | 1:00:36 | |
You! | 1:00:36 | 1:00:38 | |
CHEERING St John Fisher! | 1:00:38 | 1:00:41 | |
BOOING Well, you would have won, | 1:00:43 | 1:00:45 | |
if this was the Boring Machine. | 1:00:45 | 1:00:48 | |
Woo! | 1:00:48 | 1:00:49 | |
We got some funny stuff in the bag, | 1:00:49 | 1:00:52 | |
but I want more! | 1:00:52 | 1:00:54 | |
So I'll see you again. | 1:00:54 | 1:00:56 | |
Joke you later, jokey jokers! | 1:00:56 | 1:00:58 |
