Episode 30 The Joke Machine
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Transcript
| Line | From | To | |
|---|---|---|---|
NEW: THE JOKE MACHINE CBI F660R/01 HSG010470 | 0:00:00 | 0:00:00 | |
-All across the UK... -..sightings have been reported | 1:03:02 | 1:03:04 | |
-of a mysterious object in the sky. -What does it want from us? | 1:03:04 | 1:03:07 | |
Thousands of children... | 1:03:07 | 1:03:09 | |
..hoping they will be chosen. | 1:03:09 | 1:03:10 | |
One man is on a mission to find the funniest jokes. He is... | 1:03:10 | 1:03:16 | |
..the Joke Master. | 1:03:18 | 1:03:20 | |
-Did someone say my name? -And this is the Joke Machine. | 1:03:20 | 1:03:25 | |
Joke machine, activate. | 1:03:28 | 1:03:30 | |
PFFFFRRRRT! | 1:03:30 | 1:03:32 | |
I haven't been well. | 1:03:32 | 1:03:33 | |
PFFRRT! | 1:03:33 | 1:03:35 | |
Joke machine, activate. | 1:03:35 | 1:03:36 | |
Where are we going? | 1:03:39 | 1:03:41 | |
-ALL: -Milton Park! | 1:03:43 | 1:03:45 | |
Shall we get cracking, jokers? | 1:03:48 | 1:03:51 | |
Joke away. | 1:03:53 | 1:03:54 | |
Why is it true that carrots give you super-vision? | 1:03:54 | 1:03:58 | |
Why? | 1:03:58 | 1:03:59 | |
Well, you don't see a rabbit wearing glasses. | 1:03:59 | 1:04:02 | |
Never has a truer word been spoken in jest. | 1:04:02 | 1:04:04 | |
Yeah, baby! | 1:04:04 | 1:04:06 | |
# Do the robot Do the robot... # | 1:04:08 | 1:04:10 | |
Why did the boy take a pencil to bed? | 1:04:13 | 1:04:15 | |
To draw the curtains. | 1:04:15 | 1:04:16 | |
Well, that was rubbish. | 1:04:16 | 1:04:18 | |
YOU'RE rubbish! | 1:04:18 | 1:04:20 | |
SCREAMING | 1:04:22 | 1:04:23 | |
What have you got for me? | 1:04:25 | 1:04:27 | |
What did the dentist say when his wife baked a cake? | 1:04:27 | 1:04:29 | |
I don't know. What? | 1:04:29 | 1:04:30 | |
Can I do the filling? | 1:04:30 | 1:04:31 | |
HE LAUGHS | 1:04:31 | 1:04:32 | |
Well, I hope you booked your appointment at... | 1:04:32 | 1:04:35 | |
TOOTH-HURTY! | 1:04:35 | 1:04:37 | |
CHEERING | 1:04:37 | 1:04:38 | |
Why doesn't Harry Styles ever get lost? | 1:04:39 | 1:04:42 | |
Because he goes in ONE DIRECTION. | 1:04:42 | 1:04:44 | |
Oh, I love Harry Styles! | 1:04:44 | 1:04:47 | |
He lights up the room like nobody else! | 1:04:47 | 1:04:49 | |
Yeah! | 1:04:49 | 1:04:51 | |
He just doesn't know he's beautiful! | 1:04:51 | 1:04:53 | |
-What is a cow's favourite song? -What? | 1:04:53 | 1:04:56 | |
# I like to MOOve it, MOOve it... # | 1:04:56 | 1:04:58 | |
You're MILKING it. | 1:04:58 | 1:04:59 | |
You are dumb! | 1:04:59 | 1:05:01 | |
The only thing dumb about me are the dumbbells that I pump. | 1:05:01 | 1:05:05 | |
I haven't got one here. It's mimed. | 1:05:06 | 1:05:09 | |
SCREAMING | 1:05:10 | 1:05:12 | |
-Next! -Where do cows go on school trips? | 1:05:12 | 1:05:14 | |
HE GROANS | 1:05:14 | 1:05:16 | |
To the MOOseum. | 1:05:16 | 1:05:18 | |
Is this school sponsored by cows? MOOving on...! | 1:05:18 | 1:05:22 | |
Class one, done. | 1:05:24 | 1:05:26 | |
Class two, what have you got? | 1:05:29 | 1:05:31 | |
THEY CHEER | 1:05:36 | 1:05:39 | |
Join the Joke Battle! | 1:05:43 | 1:05:44 | |
# Hit me with your joke, yeah! # | 1:05:46 | 1:05:48 | |
"Doctor, doctor, I can't sleep." | 1:05:48 | 1:05:50 | |
"Lie on the edge of your bed and you'll soon drop-off." | 1:05:50 | 1:05:53 | |
HE HOOTS WITH LAUGHTER I want to visit that doctor! | 1:05:53 | 1:05:56 | |
Yes! | 1:05:56 | 1:05:58 | |
Let's keep it going! | 1:05:58 | 1:05:59 | |
There were two cats having a race in a raft. | 1:05:59 | 1:06:02 | |
One was called One-Two-Three, and the other was called Un-Deux-Trois. | 1:06:02 | 1:06:06 | |
What cat won the race? | 1:06:06 | 1:06:07 | |
I don't know! | 1:06:07 | 1:06:08 | |
One-Two-Three, because Un-Deux-Trois CAT SANK. | 1:06:08 | 1:06:11 | |
You're smart, you're funny, and you remind me of moi. | 1:06:11 | 1:06:15 | |
Yay! | 1:06:15 | 1:06:18 | |
Next. | 1:06:18 | 1:06:19 | |
What is a pilot's favourite packet of crisps? | 1:06:19 | 1:06:21 | |
What? | 1:06:21 | 1:06:22 | |
PLAIN. | 1:06:22 | 1:06:24 | |
What's Cupcake's favourite flavour of crisp? | 1:06:24 | 1:06:26 | |
You! | 1:06:26 | 1:06:27 | |
Argh! | 1:06:29 | 1:06:31 | |
HE CHUCKLES EVILLY | 1:06:31 | 1:06:33 | |
There is an Irishman and he wanted to join the army. | 1:06:33 | 1:06:36 | |
He got to the final interview and the general said, | 1:06:36 | 1:06:38 | |
"Right, then - what does 'surrender' mean?" | 1:06:38 | 1:06:41 | |
And the Irishman said, "Um... | 1:06:41 | 1:06:44 | |
"I give up." | 1:06:44 | 1:06:45 | |
I am shutting the door on that joke. | 1:06:45 | 1:06:48 | |
You don't know... | 1:06:48 | 1:06:50 | |
Slam! | 1:06:50 | 1:06:51 | |
What have you got? | 1:06:54 | 1:06:55 | |
There was a tyre in the road one day and I said, | 1:06:55 | 1:06:58 | |
"Somebody must have re-TYRE-d..." | 1:06:58 | 1:07:00 | |
That would NEVER, in a million years, be funny! | 1:07:00 | 1:07:03 | |
Boo! | 1:07:03 | 1:07:05 | |
AAAARGH! | 1:07:05 | 1:07:07 | |
AAAARGH! | 1:07:09 | 1:07:10 | |
Please! I just need a good joke! | 1:07:10 | 1:07:14 | |
What do you call a jelly in a pram? | 1:07:14 | 1:07:16 | |
I've got no idea. | 1:07:16 | 1:07:18 | |
Jelly baby. | 1:07:18 | 1:07:19 | |
Oh, that really hurt my funny bone! | 1:07:19 | 1:07:22 | |
Get out! | 1:07:22 | 1:07:23 | |
What is wrong with you?! | 1:07:23 | 1:07:24 | |
I should ask you that question. | 1:07:24 | 1:07:27 | |
Hmm...who was the victor? | 1:07:30 | 1:07:33 | |
It was... | 1:07:33 | 1:07:35 | |
You! | 1:07:35 | 1:07:36 | |
THEY CHEER | 1:07:36 | 1:07:38 | |
Milton Park! | 1:07:38 | 1:07:41 | |
THEY BOO | 1:07:41 | 1:07:42 | |
This disappointment is just preparing you for life. | 1:07:42 | 1:07:46 | |
Some good jokes there, team. But not enough! | 1:07:46 | 1:07:50 | |
So we're going to have to do this again. Joke you later! | 1:07:50 | 1:07:53 |