Episode 31 The Joke Machine
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Transcript
| Line | From | To | |
|---|---|---|---|
-Across the UK... -..sightings have been reported | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
of a mysterious object in the sky. | 0:00:04 | 0:00:05 | |
What does it want from us? Thousands of children... | 0:00:05 | 0:00:08 | |
..hoping they will be chosen. | 0:00:08 | 0:00:10 | |
One man is on a mission to find the funniest jokes, | 0:00:10 | 0:00:15 | |
he is the Joke Master. | 0:00:15 | 0:00:20 | |
Did someone say my name? | 0:00:20 | 0:00:22 | |
And this is The Joke Machine. | 0:00:22 | 0:00:24 | |
Joke Machine activate. | 0:00:28 | 0:00:30 | |
ENGINES SWITCH OFF | 0:00:30 | 0:00:31 | |
Sorry, cupcake. | 0:00:31 | 0:00:33 | |
Joke Machine activate! | 0:00:33 | 0:00:35 | |
Where are we going? | 0:00:37 | 0:00:39 | |
CHEERING | 0:00:40 | 0:00:43 | |
Let's get cracking, jokers! | 0:00:49 | 0:00:52 | |
Go, go, go. | 0:00:54 | 0:00:56 | |
Why did the skeleton go to the Chinese? | 0:00:56 | 0:01:00 | |
To get spare ribs. | 0:01:00 | 0:01:01 | |
I hope he put salt and pepper on it. | 0:01:01 | 0:01:04 | |
Yay! | 0:01:04 | 0:01:05 | |
Other national cuisines are available. Ha-ha-ha! | 0:01:05 | 0:01:08 | |
What do you call a useless pencil? | 0:01:08 | 0:01:10 | |
Pointless. | 0:01:10 | 0:01:12 | |
That joke was un-un-un-funny! | 0:01:12 | 0:01:15 | |
Why are you called the Joke Master? | 0:01:15 | 0:01:17 | |
You should be called the Boring Master. | 0:01:17 | 0:01:19 | |
You're right, I need to spice up my life a little bit more. | 0:01:19 | 0:01:22 | |
I'm going to do this, this, this, this, | 0:01:22 | 0:01:25 | |
and bye! | 0:01:25 | 0:01:26 | |
Send in the next one. | 0:01:29 | 0:01:30 | |
What did the head teacher say to the egg? | 0:01:30 | 0:01:33 | |
-What? -You're egg-spelled. | 0:01:33 | 0:01:35 | |
He-he-he! Egg pun! | 0:01:35 | 0:01:38 | |
More, more, more! | 0:01:41 | 0:01:42 | |
How do you keep someone in suspense? | 0:01:42 | 0:01:44 | |
How? | 0:01:44 | 0:01:45 | |
-I'll tell you next week. -No, you won't. | 0:01:45 | 0:01:47 | |
This had better not be a bad one. | 0:01:52 | 0:01:53 | |
Two peanuts went to the park, | 0:01:53 | 0:01:55 | |
one was a-salted. | 0:01:55 | 0:01:56 | |
No, no and no. | 0:01:56 | 0:01:59 | |
What do you know? What's your best joke? | 0:01:59 | 0:02:01 | |
What's orange and sounds like a carrot? | 0:02:01 | 0:02:04 | |
I don't have time, bye! | 0:02:04 | 0:02:06 | |
Give me a good one! | 0:02:08 | 0:02:09 | |
One day someone from the local rotary club | 0:02:09 | 0:02:11 | |
came to my door and asked, | 0:02:11 | 0:02:12 | |
"Would you like to give a small donation towards the local pool?" | 0:02:12 | 0:02:15 | |
So I gave them a glass of water. | 0:02:15 | 0:02:17 | |
Ha-ha-ha! | 0:02:17 | 0:02:18 | |
Oh, wait, I've broken it, I've broken it. | 0:02:18 | 0:02:21 | |
It's fine, fine. | 0:02:23 | 0:02:25 | |
Bring in the next victims, I mean, jokers. | 0:02:28 | 0:02:30 | |
Cracking up time, jokesters. | 0:02:42 | 0:02:44 | |
Joke away. | 0:02:45 | 0:02:47 | |
Why did the soldier flush the toilet? | 0:02:47 | 0:02:49 | |
I don't know, he was at somebody else's house? | 0:02:49 | 0:02:51 | |
Cos it was his duty. | 0:02:51 | 0:02:52 | |
CHEERING Smiling! | 0:02:52 | 0:02:54 | |
Yeah! | 0:02:54 | 0:02:55 | |
This will be a good one, I can feel it in me bones. | 0:02:55 | 0:02:58 | |
-What did Sean Connery say when he put a wonky shelf? -What? | 0:02:58 | 0:03:02 | |
-AS SEAN CONNERY: -I'm ashamed of my shelf. | 0:03:02 | 0:03:04 | |
AS SEAN CONNERY: That's not funny, Miss Moneypenny. | 0:03:04 | 0:03:06 | |
Joke it up. | 0:03:09 | 0:03:11 | |
Three good reasons to go to school. | 0:03:11 | 0:03:13 | |
One, the video shop doesn't open until four o'clock. | 0:03:13 | 0:03:17 | |
Two, the heating goes off at home at nine o'clock. | 0:03:17 | 0:03:20 | |
And three, | 0:03:20 | 0:03:21 | |
you learn what life will be like when you're old and grumpy | 0:03:21 | 0:03:24 | |
by watching the teachers at break time. | 0:03:24 | 0:03:26 | |
And four, you have to listen to tedious jokes | 0:03:26 | 0:03:29 | |
from children like you. | 0:03:29 | 0:03:31 | |
You don't know anything about jokes | 0:03:31 | 0:03:32 | |
and you couldn't do any better than I did. | 0:03:32 | 0:03:35 | |
No-one goes to video stores any more. What, are you from the '80s? | 0:03:35 | 0:03:38 | |
You mean you're an old man who doesn't have any sense of humour. | 0:03:38 | 0:03:41 | |
I'm an old man who knows that you can legally download films now. | 0:03:41 | 0:03:46 | |
Ah! | 0:03:46 | 0:03:48 | |
What's that you're doing? | 0:03:52 | 0:03:54 | |
It's just my nervous dance. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:55 | |
Tell me your joke. | 0:03:55 | 0:03:56 | |
There were three men in the woods, they found a magical slide. | 0:03:56 | 0:04:00 | |
Whatever you said when you go down the slide, | 0:04:00 | 0:04:02 | |
you land in a pot of. | 0:04:02 | 0:04:04 | |
The first man said, "Gold." | 0:04:04 | 0:04:06 | |
The second man said, "Silver." | 0:04:06 | 0:04:08 | |
And the third man said, "Whee!" | 0:04:08 | 0:04:11 | |
He landed in a pot of wee! Ha-ha-ha! | 0:04:11 | 0:04:14 | |
Yes! | 0:04:14 | 0:04:16 | |
What an idiot. | 0:04:16 | 0:04:17 | |
What do you call an underground train full of professors? | 0:04:17 | 0:04:20 | |
A tube of Smarties. | 0:04:20 | 0:04:22 | |
Denied! | 0:04:22 | 0:04:24 | |
Hmm. Who was the victor? | 0:04:26 | 0:04:30 | |
It was... | 0:04:30 | 0:04:32 | |
you. | 0:04:32 | 0:04:33 | |
St Margaret's! CHEERING | 0:04:34 | 0:04:37 | |
BOOING See you later, Cestria. | 0:04:37 | 0:04:41 | |
Phew! Some good jokes there but not enough | 0:04:42 | 0:04:47 | |
so we'll have to do it again. | 0:04:47 | 0:04:49 | |
Joke you later! | 0:04:49 | 0:04:50 |