Episode 35 The Joke Machine
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Transcript
| Line | From | To | |
|---|---|---|---|
Across the UK... | 0:00:01 | 0:00:02 | |
Sightings have been reported of a mysterious object in the sky. | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
What does it want from us? Thousands of children... | 0:00:04 | 0:00:08 | |
..Hoping they will be chosen. | 0:00:08 | 0:00:10 | |
One man is on a mission to find the funniest jokes. He is... | 0:00:10 | 0:00:15 | |
The Joke Master. | 0:00:17 | 0:00:19 | |
That's me! | 0:00:19 | 0:00:20 | |
And this is The Joke Machine. | 0:00:20 | 0:00:22 | |
Joke Machine activate. | 0:00:27 | 0:00:28 | |
Joke Machine activate? | 0:00:33 | 0:00:35 | |
Where are we going? | 0:00:38 | 0:00:39 | |
Let's get cracking, jokers! | 0:00:49 | 0:00:51 | |
Welcome to The Joke Machine. Now, get joking. | 0:00:52 | 0:00:56 | |
Why do potatoes make good spies? | 0:00:56 | 0:00:58 | |
Why? | 0:00:58 | 0:00:59 | |
Because they always keep their eyes peeled. | 0:00:59 | 0:01:02 | |
Hot dog, that's funny! | 0:01:02 | 0:01:03 | |
Yah! | 0:01:03 | 0:01:05 | |
Whoa, you all right? | 0:01:05 | 0:01:07 | |
-Knock, knock. -Who's there? | 0:01:07 | 0:01:09 | |
I done up. | 0:01:09 | 0:01:10 | |
-I done up who? -Eww, you done a poo! | 0:01:10 | 0:01:13 | |
What? No, I haven't! | 0:01:13 | 0:01:14 | |
D'oh! | 0:01:14 | 0:01:16 | |
How dare you pull me into your web of trickery! | 0:01:18 | 0:01:21 | |
-Why did the spider go on the computer? -Why? | 0:01:21 | 0:01:25 | |
Because it wanted to search the web. | 0:01:25 | 0:01:27 | |
That's a waste of my time. | 0:01:27 | 0:01:28 | |
What a waste of your time? What a waste of my time, as well. | 0:01:28 | 0:01:32 | |
Ah! | 0:01:32 | 0:01:33 | |
Bring in the next one. | 0:01:33 | 0:01:34 | |
Ah, a double act. Are you funny? | 0:01:36 | 0:01:38 | |
Erm, very. 100%. | 0:01:38 | 0:01:41 | |
And what about you? | 0:01:41 | 0:01:43 | |
Erm, the same, but maybe. | 0:01:43 | 0:01:45 | |
At least one of you has got the confidence. Joke, please! | 0:01:45 | 0:01:47 | |
Doctor, doctor, I think I'm a bin. | 0:01:47 | 0:01:50 | |
Don't talk rubbish! | 0:01:50 | 0:01:52 | |
Double trouble, double bubble, double funny. | 0:01:52 | 0:01:56 | |
Yes! | 0:01:56 | 0:01:57 | |
Ha-ha! | 0:01:57 | 0:01:58 | |
What do you call a deer with no eyes? | 0:02:00 | 0:02:02 | |
I don't know, what? | 0:02:02 | 0:02:03 | |
-No i-deer. -Not funny. | 0:02:03 | 0:02:05 | |
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? | 0:02:05 | 0:02:09 | |
What are you doing to this deer? | 0:02:09 | 0:02:10 | |
Still no i-deer. | 0:02:10 | 0:02:12 | |
Stop hurting this deer! | 0:02:12 | 0:02:14 | |
Ah! | 0:02:14 | 0:02:15 | |
What do you call a man with no underpants? | 0:02:19 | 0:02:22 | |
Nicho-las. | 0:02:22 | 0:02:24 | |
Oh, just going to... | 0:02:24 | 0:02:26 | |
No, even the gremlins in the machine are saying that's not funny. | 0:02:26 | 0:02:31 | |
Ah! | 0:02:31 | 0:02:32 | |
New class, new jokes. | 0:02:35 | 0:02:37 | |
Cracking up time, jokesters. | 0:02:50 | 0:02:53 | |
Think you can do better than those guys? | 0:02:54 | 0:02:56 | |
Hit me! | 0:02:56 | 0:02:57 | |
The child said to the optician, "I don't like my glasses." | 0:02:57 | 0:03:00 | |
"But they're spectacular," said the optician. | 0:03:00 | 0:03:03 | |
I think you've just told me a conversation | 0:03:03 | 0:03:05 | |
you had with your optician. | 0:03:05 | 0:03:06 | |
Oh, no, you didn't! | 0:03:06 | 0:03:08 | |
Oh, yes, I did! | 0:03:08 | 0:03:10 | |
Ah! | 0:03:10 | 0:03:11 | |
What do you call cheese that's not yours? | 0:03:13 | 0:03:15 | |
Please, say it. | 0:03:15 | 0:03:17 | |
Nacho cheese. | 0:03:17 | 0:03:18 | |
Ay-yi-yi! | 0:03:18 | 0:03:19 | |
You know what? I don't think I like this joke any more. | 0:03:36 | 0:03:40 | |
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell? | 0:03:44 | 0:03:47 | |
Tut-an-kham-en. | 0:03:47 | 0:03:48 | |
Oh, you're still here? | 0:03:50 | 0:03:52 | |
Aw, you don't have any sense of humour. | 0:03:52 | 0:03:54 | |
Next. | 0:03:57 | 0:03:58 | |
How can you get two whales in a car? | 0:03:58 | 0:04:00 | |
I don't know. | 0:04:00 | 0:04:01 | |
Drive, silly! | 0:04:01 | 0:04:03 | |
Somebody call the doctor, because my sides are splitting. | 0:04:03 | 0:04:07 | |
Yay! | 0:04:08 | 0:04:09 | |
"Waiter, this egg is bad." | 0:04:11 | 0:04:13 | |
"Well, don't blame me, I only laid the table." | 0:04:13 | 0:04:16 | |
Tell me more. | 0:04:21 | 0:04:23 | |
I knew I was funny, I really did. | 0:04:23 | 0:04:24 | |
Well, it's all about believing in yourself. | 0:04:24 | 0:04:28 | |
Hmm, who won that one? | 0:04:28 | 0:04:29 | |
It was... | 0:04:30 | 0:04:31 | |
Boom! | 0:04:33 | 0:04:34 | |
St Edmund's! | 0:04:35 | 0:04:36 | |
Yay! | 0:04:36 | 0:04:37 | |
Boo! | 0:04:39 | 0:04:40 | |
Try harder next time, Marlborough. | 0:04:40 | 0:04:41 | |
Whoo, we got some funny stuff. | 0:04:44 | 0:04:46 | |
Fun-ny stuff. | 0:04:46 | 0:04:48 | |
But I need more! | 0:04:48 | 0:04:50 | |
So I'll joke you later, jokesters. | 0:04:50 | 0:04:52 |