Episode 37 The Joke Machine
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Transcript
| Line | From | To | |
|---|---|---|---|
-Across the UK... -Sightings have been reported | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
of a mysterious object in the sky. | 0:00:04 | 0:00:06 | |
What does it want from us? | 0:00:06 | 0:00:07 | |
-Thousands of children... -..Hoping they will be chosen. | 0:00:07 | 0:00:11 | |
One man is on a mission to find the funniest jokes. | 0:00:11 | 0:00:15 | |
He is... | 0:00:15 | 0:00:16 | |
..the Joke Master. | 0:00:18 | 0:00:19 | |
That's me! | 0:00:19 | 0:00:21 | |
And this is The Joke Machine. | 0:00:21 | 0:00:23 | |
Joke Machine, activate. | 0:00:28 | 0:00:30 | |
Oh... | 0:00:30 | 0:00:32 | |
Joke Machine, activate! | 0:00:32 | 0:00:34 | |
Where are we going? | 0:00:37 | 0:00:38 | |
Let's get cracking, jokers. | 0:00:48 | 0:00:50 | |
Come on, come on, come on, I want some jokes! | 0:00:52 | 0:00:54 | |
I walked into the butcher's the other day | 0:00:54 | 0:00:56 | |
and said, "Can I have a pack of bacon, please?" The butcher said, | 0:00:56 | 0:01:01 | |
"Lean back," and I said, "Can I have a packet of bacon, please?" | 0:01:01 | 0:01:05 | |
Enjoyable. | 0:01:05 | 0:01:07 | |
Yes! | 0:01:07 | 0:01:09 | |
-Next. -I went to a seafood disco yesterday. | 0:01:09 | 0:01:13 | |
Ha-ha, keep going. | 0:01:13 | 0:01:15 | |
I managed to pull a muscle. | 0:01:15 | 0:01:17 | |
That was so good! | 0:01:17 | 0:01:19 | |
Ha-ha-ha! | 0:01:19 | 0:01:20 | |
Thanks. | 0:01:22 | 0:01:23 | |
Ha-ha-ha. | 0:01:23 | 0:01:25 | |
Why is it so hard to unlock a piano? | 0:01:25 | 0:01:28 | |
Because all of the keys are inside. | 0:01:28 | 0:01:30 | |
How dare you come in here with that rubbish! | 0:01:30 | 0:01:34 | |
You've got to be kidding me. | 0:01:34 | 0:01:36 | |
Does this look like a kidding face? | 0:01:36 | 0:01:38 | |
It's a serious face. | 0:01:38 | 0:01:41 | |
What was the cow's comment on the movie? | 0:01:46 | 0:01:48 | |
What? | 0:01:48 | 0:01:49 | |
It was udderly moo-ving. | 0:01:49 | 0:01:52 | |
That joke is funny. | 0:01:52 | 0:01:54 | |
Oh, thank you. | 0:01:54 | 0:01:56 | |
Oh, any time. | 0:01:56 | 0:01:58 | |
What have we got? | 0:01:58 | 0:02:00 | |
What do you get when you cross a fridge with a stereo? | 0:02:00 | 0:02:04 | |
Cool music. | 0:02:04 | 0:02:06 | |
Give me an N. N! Give me an O. O! Give me a T. T! | 0:02:06 | 0:02:10 | |
Give me a funny. Funny! | 0:02:10 | 0:02:12 | |
What have we got? Not funny. | 0:02:12 | 0:02:14 | |
I think my joke's funny, you might not, but mine is. | 0:02:14 | 0:02:17 | |
Well, go home and tell it to yourself! | 0:02:17 | 0:02:19 | |
Ah! | 0:02:21 | 0:02:22 | |
Bring in the next one. | 0:02:22 | 0:02:24 | |
-What did the skier say to his ski? -What? | 0:02:24 | 0:02:27 | |
Nice to ski you. | 0:02:27 | 0:02:29 | |
Ha-ha, pfft. | 0:02:29 | 0:02:30 | |
I never liked you, anyway. | 0:02:30 | 0:02:32 | |
Well, I am sick of bad jokes. | 0:02:38 | 0:02:40 | |
Why did the bee cross his legs on the motorway? | 0:02:40 | 0:02:43 | |
I don't know. | 0:02:43 | 0:02:45 | |
He was looking for a BP station. | 0:02:45 | 0:02:47 | |
HORN HONKS | 0:02:47 | 0:02:49 | |
-That's funny! -Thanks. | 0:02:49 | 0:02:51 | |
Class two, what have you got? | 0:02:54 | 0:02:56 | |
All joke systems are go. | 0:03:08 | 0:03:11 | |
Go for it, maestro. | 0:03:12 | 0:03:14 | |
What's the difference between Celtic and a tea bag? | 0:03:14 | 0:03:17 | |
Tea bag can stay in the cup longer. | 0:03:17 | 0:03:18 | |
Take that, Celtic! Ha-ha-ha. | 0:03:18 | 0:03:21 | |
Yah! | 0:03:21 | 0:03:22 | |
Who are the other Scottish teams? | 0:03:24 | 0:03:26 | |
Did you hear about the owner of the chip shop? | 0:03:26 | 0:03:28 | |
He got arrested by the police because he was battering the fish. | 0:03:28 | 0:03:32 | |
BUZZER BEEPS | 0:03:32 | 0:03:34 | |
Wait, that's offence... | 0:03:34 | 0:03:36 | |
The fish got battered... | 0:03:36 | 0:03:37 | |
I like it! Ha-ha. | 0:03:37 | 0:03:40 | |
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah! | 0:03:40 | 0:03:42 | |
Doing the fancy tombola. | 0:03:42 | 0:03:44 | |
Wait... | 0:03:45 | 0:03:47 | |
Is your hair naturally that colour? Because if it is, I like it. | 0:03:47 | 0:03:51 | |
What did dinosaurs put on their floor? | 0:03:51 | 0:03:53 | |
I don't know, what? | 0:03:53 | 0:03:54 | |
Reptiles. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:55 | |
Rrrar! Me say we likey-likey that joke. | 0:03:55 | 0:04:00 | |
Rrrar! | 0:04:00 | 0:04:01 | |
Yay. | 0:04:01 | 0:04:02 | |
That was my hando-saur. | 0:04:02 | 0:04:04 | |
Why did the hedgehog cross the road? | 0:04:04 | 0:04:06 | |
To meet his flatmate. | 0:04:06 | 0:04:08 | |
Well, I'm trying to see the funny, but I just can't see it. | 0:04:08 | 0:04:12 | |
Ah! | 0:04:12 | 0:04:13 | |
-Knock, knock. -Who's there? | 0:04:15 | 0:04:17 | |
-Anita. -Anita who? | 0:04:17 | 0:04:18 | |
Anita borrow a pencil. | 0:04:18 | 0:04:20 | |
Baaah. | 0:04:20 | 0:04:21 | |
Oh, that joke was so bad, I lost the ability to speak. | 0:04:21 | 0:04:25 | |
I wonder who won that one, hmm? | 0:04:28 | 0:04:30 | |
It was... | 0:04:30 | 0:04:32 | |
Bingo! | 0:04:32 | 0:04:34 | |
-Yay! -Sullivan Upper. | 0:04:34 | 0:04:36 | |
Boo! | 0:04:38 | 0:04:39 | |
Dry your eyes, kids. | 0:04:39 | 0:04:41 | |
Phew, we got some good jokes, there. | 0:04:42 | 0:04:46 | |
But I need more, so I'll see you again. | 0:04:46 | 0:04:49 | |
Joke you later, gangsters! | 0:04:49 | 0:04:51 |