Episode 39 The Joke Machine
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Transcript
| Line | From | To | |
|---|---|---|---|
-Across the UK... -Sightings have been reported of | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
-a mysterious object in the sky. -What does it want? | 0:00:04 | 0:00:07 | |
-Thousands of children... -Hoping to be chosen... | 0:00:07 | 0:00:10 | |
One man is on a mission to find the funniest jokes. | 0:00:10 | 0:00:15 | |
He is... | 0:00:15 | 0:00:16 | |
..the Joke Master. | 0:00:18 | 0:00:20 | |
Did someone say my name? | 0:00:20 | 0:00:21 | |
And this is the Joke Machine. | 0:00:23 | 0:00:25 | |
Joke Machine...activate! | 0:00:28 | 0:00:30 | |
HE COUGHS | 0:00:32 | 0:00:33 | |
Joke Machine...activate! | 0:00:33 | 0:00:35 | |
Where are we going? | 0:00:38 | 0:00:40 | |
ALL: Brentnall Primary! | 0:00:41 | 0:00:43 | |
Shall we get cracking, jokers? | 0:00:47 | 0:00:49 | |
OK, what have you got for me? | 0:00:51 | 0:00:53 | |
What do you call a guy | 0:00:53 | 0:00:54 | |
who's building a sculpture of rope | 0:00:54 | 0:00:57 | |
-in an attic? -What? | 0:00:57 | 0:00:58 | |
That's rope-mantic. | 0:00:58 | 0:01:00 | |
-BLEEP! -Not funny! | 0:01:00 | 0:01:01 | |
BARKING | 0:01:03 | 0:01:05 | |
-Why are frogs so happy? -They don't have to pay taxes? | 0:01:06 | 0:01:09 | |
Because they eat whatever bugs them. | 0:01:09 | 0:01:12 | |
-BLEEP! -Down with that joke! | 0:01:12 | 0:01:14 | |
Argh! | 0:01:14 | 0:01:15 | |
Boo! | 0:01:15 | 0:01:16 | |
-Hit me with it. -What do you get | 0:01:18 | 0:01:20 | |
-when you cross cheese with ducks? -I don't know. | 0:01:20 | 0:01:23 | |
-Cheese and quackers. -Quack, quack! | 0:01:23 | 0:01:26 | |
-Funny. -I'm better than you, ha! -I hope he doesn't speak to his mother | 0:01:26 | 0:01:30 | |
-with that mouth. -Where do you take a sick horse? | 0:01:30 | 0:01:34 | |
-Where? -To the horse-pital. | 0:01:34 | 0:01:36 | |
-BLEEP! -Not...funny at all. | 0:01:36 | 0:01:38 | |
My God, you've definitely not got a sense of humour. | 0:01:38 | 0:01:41 | |
Some of you kids need to start | 0:01:41 | 0:01:43 | |
taking ownership of your own failures | 0:01:43 | 0:01:45 | |
and stop blaming them on me. | 0:01:45 | 0:01:47 | |
SHE SCREAMS | 0:01:49 | 0:01:52 | |
I'm crashing. Ugh... | 0:01:53 | 0:01:55 | |
-I need my joke fix. -I can hear music | 0:01:55 | 0:01:57 | |
coming out of the printer. | 0:01:57 | 0:02:00 | |
I think the paper's jammin' again. | 0:02:00 | 0:02:02 | |
What's funny about that? | 0:02:02 | 0:02:04 | |
Um, everything! | 0:02:04 | 0:02:06 | |
-I know it is. -Ha-ha! | 0:02:06 | 0:02:09 | |
Why is it dangerous to do maths in the jungle? | 0:02:09 | 0:02:13 | |
-Why? -Because when you add four and four, you get 'ate'. | 0:02:13 | 0:02:17 | |
BLEEP! | 0:02:17 | 0:02:19 | |
I don't get it, and if I don't get it, then YOU get it. | 0:02:19 | 0:02:22 | |
Bring in the next victims. I mean, jokers! | 0:02:26 | 0:02:29 | |
Cracking up time, jokesters. | 0:02:40 | 0:02:42 | |
Calm down, you're in the right place. | 0:02:42 | 0:02:45 | |
I was reading a great book - the history of glue. | 0:02:45 | 0:02:48 | |
I couldn't put it down. | 0:02:48 | 0:02:49 | |
-BLEEP! -That was rubbish! | 0:02:49 | 0:02:51 | |
-You know what's rubbish? -What? | 0:02:51 | 0:02:53 | |
You saying my joke's rubbish. | 0:02:53 | 0:02:54 | |
You know what you do with rubbish? You take out the trash. | 0:02:54 | 0:02:58 | |
Mammy! | 0:02:58 | 0:03:00 | |
Bring on the joke train! | 0:03:02 | 0:03:04 | |
There was three Paddys - Paddy the Englishman, | 0:03:04 | 0:03:06 | |
Paddy the Scottishman, Paddy the fat man. | 0:03:06 | 0:03:08 | |
They were all on a plane and, boom, | 0:03:08 | 0:03:11 | |
the first engine goes down. | 0:03:11 | 0:03:13 | |
Half an hour later, boom, boom, the second and third goes. | 0:03:13 | 0:03:17 | |
They were all told | 0:03:17 | 0:03:18 | |
to jump out of the plane. Paddy the Scottishman jumps out and says, | 0:03:18 | 0:03:23 | |
"God bless Scotland". | 0:03:23 | 0:03:24 | |
Paddy the Englishman jumps out and says, "God bless England". | 0:03:24 | 0:03:28 | |
Paddy the fat man jumps out and says, "God bless the man I land on". | 0:03:28 | 0:03:32 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:03:32 | 0:03:35 | |
Yes! | 0:03:35 | 0:03:36 | |
A man went to the doctor's. The doctor said, "How can I help you?" | 0:03:36 | 0:03:40 | |
The man said, "I'm addicted to Twitter." | 0:03:40 | 0:03:43 | |
The doctor said, "Sorry, sir, I don't follow you." | 0:03:43 | 0:03:46 | |
Hashtag, hilarious! | 0:03:46 | 0:03:48 | |
Yes! | 0:03:48 | 0:03:49 | |
Next dish, please. | 0:03:49 | 0:03:51 | |
-What do you give to a sick pig? -What? | 0:03:51 | 0:03:54 | |
Oink-ment. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:55 | |
That is hilarious. | 0:03:55 | 0:03:57 | |
Yes! | 0:03:57 | 0:03:59 | |
Now we're cooking! Next joke. | 0:03:59 | 0:04:01 | |
-What's the difference between a bird and a fly? -I don't know. | 0:04:01 | 0:04:05 | |
A bird can fly, but a fly can't bird. | 0:04:05 | 0:04:07 | |
-BLEEP! -Not funny! -Coming from who? | 0:04:07 | 0:04:09 | |
Coming from the Joke Master. | 0:04:09 | 0:04:12 | |
Can I hear a joke then? | 0:04:12 | 0:04:14 | |
Sure, you can. Why did the girl fall off the swings? I haven't got time. | 0:04:14 | 0:04:18 | |
What are you doing to me?! | 0:04:18 | 0:04:20 | |
Bring in the next one! | 0:04:22 | 0:04:23 | |
What was written on the Lego man's grave? | 0:04:23 | 0:04:26 | |
-'Rest in pieces'. -Give me an F | 0:04:26 | 0:04:29 | |
-for funny. -Yeah! Ooh! | 0:04:29 | 0:04:32 | |
Who could possibly have won that one? It was... | 0:04:33 | 0:04:38 | |
Bingo! | 0:04:38 | 0:04:39 | |
ALL: Yay! | 0:04:39 | 0:04:40 | |
St Joseph's! | 0:04:40 | 0:04:42 | |
Turn that frown upside down. | 0:04:42 | 0:04:45 | |
Woo! Some good jokes there, but I need more! | 0:04:46 | 0:04:52 | |
So, see you again. Joke you later! | 0:04:52 | 0:04:55 |
