Episode 40 The Joke Machine
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Transcript
| Line | From | To | |
|---|---|---|---|
-Across the UK... -'Sightings have been reported | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
'of a mysterious object in the sky.' | 0:00:04 | 0:00:05 | |
'What does it want from us?' | 0:00:05 | 0:00:07 | |
-'Thousands of children...' -'..hoping they'll be chosen.' | 0:00:07 | 0:00:10 | |
One man is on a mission to find the funniest jokes. | 0:00:10 | 0:00:15 | |
He is... | 0:00:15 | 0:00:16 | |
..the Joke Master. | 0:00:18 | 0:00:19 | |
-Did someone say my name? -And this is The Joke Machine. | 0:00:19 | 0:00:25 | |
Joke Machine, activate. | 0:00:28 | 0:00:29 | |
GROWLING Oh, sorry, cupcake. | 0:00:30 | 0:00:33 | |
Joke Machine, activate. | 0:00:33 | 0:00:35 | |
Where are we going? | 0:00:37 | 0:00:40 | |
Bournville Primary School takes you on. | 0:00:41 | 0:00:44 | |
Let the joke-off commence. | 0:00:48 | 0:00:50 | |
-Go, go, go. -What's a snake's favourite subject? -What? | 0:00:52 | 0:00:56 | |
-Hiss-tory. -BUZZER | 0:00:56 | 0:00:58 | |
Clear... Boom. | 0:00:58 | 0:01:00 | |
I can't even save that joke. | 0:01:00 | 0:01:02 | |
-What you going to do about it? Throw a hammer at me? -That's a great idea. | 0:01:02 | 0:01:07 | |
Argh! | 0:01:07 | 0:01:08 | |
-Make it good. -Why did the zombie get arrested for eating muesli? | 0:01:09 | 0:01:14 | |
-Cos they thought he was a cereal killer. -Yes! | 0:01:14 | 0:01:17 | |
Mixing the undead with...alive things. | 0:01:17 | 0:01:20 | |
-Thank you. -Whoo! Next one. | 0:01:20 | 0:01:23 | |
What do you call a dog on fire? | 0:01:23 | 0:01:25 | |
I don't know, what? | 0:01:25 | 0:01:26 | |
-A hot dog. -BUZZER | 0:01:26 | 0:01:28 | |
-That...is not funny. -Eat my shorts. | 0:01:28 | 0:01:30 | |
Too stringy. No, thank you. | 0:01:30 | 0:01:33 | |
What have you got for me? | 0:01:38 | 0:01:39 | |
What did the polar bear say to the polar bear | 0:01:39 | 0:01:41 | |
-as they were about to jump over a cliff? -What? | 0:01:41 | 0:01:44 | |
-Are you cool about this? -BUZZER | 0:01:44 | 0:01:47 | |
That is not funny. HE WHIMPERS | 0:01:47 | 0:01:49 | |
-Oh, my God. Are you crying? -Yeah. | 0:01:50 | 0:01:53 | |
Are you pretending to cry? | 0:01:53 | 0:01:56 | |
-I am. -You know that's not going to work, right? | 0:01:56 | 0:01:59 | |
-Oh, OK. -On your bike, son. | 0:01:59 | 0:02:02 | |
Bring in the next one. Your school needs this joke to be funny. | 0:02:05 | 0:02:09 | |
I need this joke to be funny. | 0:02:09 | 0:02:11 | |
-What's the difference between a TV and a newspaper? -I don't know. What? | 0:02:11 | 0:02:15 | |
Have you ever tried swatting a fly with a TV? | 0:02:15 | 0:02:17 | |
No, I have not. HE LAUGHS | 0:02:17 | 0:02:21 | |
-Thank you so much. -HE CONTINUES LAUGHING | 0:02:21 | 0:02:25 | |
What's a vampire's favourite fruit? | 0:02:25 | 0:02:28 | |
-A neck-tarine. -That joke is so good, it counts as one of my five a day. | 0:02:28 | 0:02:32 | |
-Yes! -Four more to go. | 0:02:32 | 0:02:35 | |
Might have some grapes. | 0:02:35 | 0:02:36 | |
Why did the dog cross the road? | 0:02:36 | 0:02:38 | |
I don't know. Why did the dog cross the road? | 0:02:38 | 0:02:40 | |
Because it was doing an impression of a chicken. | 0:02:40 | 0:02:42 | |
BUZZER Not even in your wildest dreams would that be funny. | 0:02:42 | 0:02:44 | |
Well, why don't you come out of your stupid rabbit hole and try | 0:02:44 | 0:02:47 | |
-and beat me up, then? -I'm here for the funnies, not the fisticuffs, OK? | 0:02:47 | 0:02:51 | |
-Can you just leave? -Make me. | 0:02:51 | 0:02:53 | |
Let's bring in the new lot. | 0:02:59 | 0:03:00 | |
Abbey Catholic Primary School! | 0:03:06 | 0:03:08 | |
We are go for jokes. | 0:03:12 | 0:03:13 | |
-Are you funny? -Not very. | 0:03:15 | 0:03:17 | |
-Then what are you doing here? -I've got no clue. | 0:03:17 | 0:03:20 | |
Sometimes that's how I feel. Anyway, on with the joke. | 0:03:20 | 0:03:23 | |
-What did the blanket say to the bed? -What? | 0:03:23 | 0:03:26 | |
Don't worry, I've got you covered. | 0:03:26 | 0:03:28 | |
BUZZER How dare you enter the Joke Machine | 0:03:28 | 0:03:31 | |
and not deliver a good joke? | 0:03:31 | 0:03:33 | |
No, no, no, I think it's how dare YOU? | 0:03:33 | 0:03:37 | |
How dare I? How dare you, sir? | 0:03:37 | 0:03:40 | |
SCREECHING | 0:03:42 | 0:03:44 | |
-Hiya. -What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? -Um...what? | 0:03:45 | 0:03:50 | |
Do-you-think-he-saurus. | 0:03:50 | 0:03:52 | |
Congratulations - hilarious! | 0:03:52 | 0:03:55 | |
-Yes! -Next batter. | 0:03:55 | 0:03:58 | |
What did the mayonnaise say to the fridge? | 0:03:58 | 0:04:00 | |
What? | 0:04:00 | 0:04:01 | |
-Shut the door, I'm dressing. -Yes, that is a great joke. | 0:04:01 | 0:04:06 | |
Yes! | 0:04:06 | 0:04:07 | |
What's the fruitiest lesson? | 0:04:09 | 0:04:11 | |
History, cos it's full of dates. | 0:04:11 | 0:04:13 | |
BUZZER That joke is ancient history. | 0:04:13 | 0:04:15 | |
Well, you don't know what jokes are. Where's your sense of humour gone? | 0:04:15 | 0:04:19 | |
My sense of humour is right here... | 0:04:19 | 0:04:21 | |
..in my heart. | 0:04:22 | 0:04:23 | |
Argh! | 0:04:24 | 0:04:25 | |
Hmm... Who was the victor? | 0:04:28 | 0:04:31 | |
It was... | 0:04:32 | 0:04:34 | |
you, | 0:04:34 | 0:04:36 | |
Bournville. THEY CHEER | 0:04:36 | 0:04:38 | |
BOOING Don't be a player hater, | 0:04:40 | 0:04:42 | |
be a congratulator. | 0:04:42 | 0:04:43 | |
Phew! Got some good jokes there. | 0:04:45 | 0:04:48 | |
But I need more. | 0:04:48 | 0:04:51 | |
So I'll see you again. Joke you later, jokesters. | 0:04:51 | 0:04:54 |