Episode 44 The Joke Machine
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Transcript
| Line | From | To | |
|---|---|---|---|
Across the UK... | 0:21:02 | 0:21:03 | |
Sightings have been reported of a mysterious object in the sky. | 0:21:03 | 0:21:06 | |
What does it want from us? Thousands of children... | 0:21:06 | 0:21:09 | |
..hoping they will be chosen. | 0:21:09 | 0:21:10 | |
One man is on a mission to find the funniest jokes. | 0:21:10 | 0:21:15 | |
He is... | 0:21:15 | 0:21:16 | |
-..The Joke Master! -That's me! | 0:21:18 | 0:21:21 | |
And this is The Joke Machine. | 0:21:21 | 0:21:25 | |
Joke machine - activate! | 0:21:27 | 0:21:30 | |
CRASH! | 0:21:30 | 0:21:32 | |
Joke machine - activate? | 0:21:34 | 0:21:36 | |
Where are we going? | 0:21:39 | 0:21:40 | |
Start the joke-off now! | 0:21:49 | 0:21:51 | |
Give me some jokes! | 0:21:51 | 0:21:54 | |
-What did the boxer say to the other boxer? -I don't know. | 0:21:54 | 0:21:58 | |
"I've forgotten the punch line." | 0:21:58 | 0:22:00 | |
You've made me... Ha ha ha! | 0:22:00 | 0:22:01 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:22:01 | 0:22:04 | |
-Why don't elephants use computers? -Why? | 0:22:05 | 0:22:09 | |
Because they're afraid of the mouse. | 0:22:09 | 0:22:10 | |
BUZZER Delete LOL. | 0:22:10 | 0:22:12 | |
You're so mean! Oh, yeah - cos you're a joke machine. | 0:22:12 | 0:22:16 | |
Well, you're so lame, and you're the only one to blame. | 0:22:16 | 0:22:19 | |
Ah! | 0:22:20 | 0:22:21 | |
-Tell me your joke. -What's yellow and makes a lot of noise? | 0:22:25 | 0:22:28 | |
-What? -Custard SCREAMS. | 0:22:28 | 0:22:31 | |
BUZZER That's not funny. | 0:22:31 | 0:22:33 | |
Sticks and stones may break my bones, | 0:22:33 | 0:22:35 | |
but joke makers can never hurt me. | 0:22:35 | 0:22:37 | |
Oh! Well, try this one! | 0:22:37 | 0:22:39 | |
Ah! | 0:22:40 | 0:22:42 | |
HE CHUCKLES | 0:22:44 | 0:22:47 | |
-What do you call a man with paper trousers? -What? | 0:22:47 | 0:22:50 | |
Russell. | 0:22:50 | 0:22:51 | |
I'm flying high on the funniness of that joke. | 0:22:51 | 0:22:56 | |
Yay! | 0:22:56 | 0:22:58 | |
What do you get crossed between a woodpecker and a carrier pigeon? | 0:23:00 | 0:23:03 | |
-I don't know. -A bird who knocks before delivering the message. | 0:23:03 | 0:23:07 | |
BUZZER | 0:23:07 | 0:23:08 | |
I looked up "funny" in the dictionary, and you weren't there. | 0:23:08 | 0:23:12 | |
Well, I thought you lived in the treetops, Mr Gorilla. | 0:23:12 | 0:23:14 | |
What? | 0:23:14 | 0:23:15 | |
Have you got too much hairs on your face? | 0:23:15 | 0:23:18 | |
Kids, never go to school on an empty stomach. | 0:23:18 | 0:23:20 | |
This will be a good one, I can feel it in me bones. | 0:23:23 | 0:23:26 | |
Why does the Queen not wave THIS hand? | 0:23:26 | 0:23:28 | |
-Why? -Because it's mine. | 0:23:28 | 0:23:30 | |
BUZZER You've just taken me to unfunny town. | 0:23:30 | 0:23:33 | |
Can you think of a joke? | 0:23:33 | 0:23:35 | |
No, you can't! Cos you're an old steam box! Boo! | 0:23:35 | 0:23:39 | |
HE GROWLS | 0:23:39 | 0:23:42 | |
Aaagh! | 0:23:42 | 0:23:43 | |
This better not be a bad one. | 0:23:47 | 0:23:49 | |
What's a country with no fat people? | 0:23:49 | 0:23:51 | |
FIN-land. | 0:23:51 | 0:23:52 | |
BUZZER Funny don't live here any more! | 0:23:52 | 0:23:57 | |
Bring in the next victims! I mean - jokers! | 0:23:59 | 0:24:01 | |
CHEERING | 0:24:07 | 0:24:10 | |
Shall we get cracking, jokers? | 0:24:13 | 0:24:15 | |
-What colour is a blue house? -Blue. | 0:24:18 | 0:24:20 | |
-What colour is a yellow house? -Yellow. | 0:24:20 | 0:24:23 | |
-What colour is a red house? -Red. | 0:24:23 | 0:24:25 | |
-What colour is a greenhouse? -Green. | 0:24:25 | 0:24:27 | |
No, it's glass. | 0:24:27 | 0:24:28 | |
Ho, ho, ho! You suckered me into that one. | 0:24:28 | 0:24:31 | |
-Yay! -Next! | 0:24:31 | 0:24:35 | |
-Why did the boy run round his bed? -Why? | 0:24:35 | 0:24:37 | |
Cos he wanted to catch up on his sleep. | 0:24:37 | 0:24:40 | |
BUZZER And my hands say, "Not funny!" | 0:24:40 | 0:24:43 | |
No, it's not! It's the best joke ever! | 0:24:43 | 0:24:45 | |
MOO! | 0:24:47 | 0:24:50 | |
What did the ghost teacher say to his class? | 0:24:50 | 0:24:52 | |
"Don't spook until spooken to." | 0:24:52 | 0:24:54 | |
BUZZER | 0:24:54 | 0:24:55 | |
I think you might be the least funny boy I've spoken to today. | 0:24:55 | 0:24:58 | |
You're the least funniest man I've seen today. | 0:24:58 | 0:25:00 | |
Well, you won't be seeing much more after this! | 0:25:00 | 0:25:04 | |
Aaagh! | 0:25:04 | 0:25:07 | |
-Why does a cow have a bell? -Why? | 0:25:07 | 0:25:10 | |
Because his horns don't work. | 0:25:10 | 0:25:13 | |
Ho, ho, ho, ho! That was good! | 0:25:13 | 0:25:15 | |
Yay! | 0:25:15 | 0:25:17 | |
Send the next jokester in, please. | 0:25:17 | 0:25:19 | |
What does a farmer count his cows with? | 0:25:19 | 0:25:22 | |
A COW-culator. | 0:25:22 | 0:25:23 | |
Wha-bam! | 0:25:23 | 0:25:26 | |
Thanks! | 0:25:26 | 0:25:28 | |
I wonder who won that one. Hmmm? | 0:25:30 | 0:25:32 | |
It was... | 0:25:32 | 0:25:34 | |
Bingo! | 0:25:34 | 0:25:36 | |
Stunning stuff, Spring Hill! CHEERING | 0:25:36 | 0:25:39 | |
You guys smell like losers. BOOING | 0:25:39 | 0:25:43 | |
Phew! We got some good jokes there, but I need more. | 0:25:43 | 0:25:48 | |
So I'll see you again. | 0:25:48 | 0:25:50 | |
Joke you later, gagsters! | 0:25:50 | 0:25:52 |