Episode 46 The Joke Machine
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Transcript
| Line | From | To | |
|---|---|---|---|
Across the UK. | 0:00:00 | 0:00:01 | |
Sightings have been reported of a mysterious object in the sky. | 0:00:01 | 0:00:05 | |
What does it want from us? | 0:00:05 | 0:00:07 | |
-Thousands of children... -Are hoping they will be chosen. | 0:00:07 | 0:00:11 | |
One man is on a mission to find the funniest jokes. He is... | 0:00:11 | 0:00:16 | |
-..the Joke Master. -Did someone say my name? | 0:00:18 | 0:00:22 | |
And this is the Joke Machine. | 0:00:22 | 0:00:24 | |
Joke Machine activate! | 0:00:28 | 0:00:31 | |
Oh! Joke Machine activate! | 0:00:32 | 0:00:34 | |
Where are we going? | 0:00:36 | 0:00:38 | |
-ALL: -We are superstars! Argh! | 0:00:42 | 0:00:45 | |
Let's get cracking, jokers. | 0:00:49 | 0:00:52 | |
Go for it, maestro. | 0:00:53 | 0:00:54 | |
-How'd you make seven an even number? -I don't know. | 0:00:54 | 0:00:58 | |
Take the "S" out. | 0:00:58 | 0:00:59 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:00:59 | 0:01:01 | |
Oh, God! Can you pull a kidney? Oh! | 0:01:04 | 0:01:06 | |
Where do you take a sick wasp? | 0:01:08 | 0:01:11 | |
-To the wasp-ital. -The wasp-ital?! Yes! | 0:01:11 | 0:01:15 | |
-Thank you. -Any time, mate. Any time. | 0:01:15 | 0:01:18 | |
Why did the mango cross the road to the doctor's dancing the conga? | 0:01:18 | 0:01:22 | |
I don't know. Why? | 0:01:22 | 0:01:24 | |
-He had a severe case of conga. -Clear! | 0:01:24 | 0:01:27 | |
BOOING | 0:01:27 | 0:01:29 | |
Nope, I can't save that one. | 0:01:29 | 0:01:32 | |
No! No! | 0:01:32 | 0:01:33 | |
FROG CROAKS | 0:01:33 | 0:01:36 | |
A ten-foot beetle knocked on my door. He punched me in the face | 0:01:36 | 0:01:39 | |
and people are saying | 0:01:39 | 0:01:40 | |
there is a nasty bug going around. | 0:01:40 | 0:01:42 | |
LOLOLOLOh, 'ello! | 0:01:42 | 0:01:46 | |
That's a funny joke. | 0:01:46 | 0:01:47 | |
Yes! | 0:01:47 | 0:01:49 | |
I want some more. I want some more. | 0:01:49 | 0:01:52 | |
There was two lumps of sick walking down the street, | 0:01:52 | 0:01:55 | |
one started crying, and the other one asked why. | 0:01:55 | 0:01:57 | |
"Because I was brought up here." | 0:01:57 | 0:01:59 | |
Ow, ow, that joke's made my stomach feel funny. | 0:01:59 | 0:02:03 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:02:03 | 0:02:04 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:02:04 | 0:02:05 | |
Next dish, please. | 0:02:05 | 0:02:08 | |
Nice entrance. | 0:02:08 | 0:02:09 | |
-What happens when you tell an egg a joke? -What? | 0:02:09 | 0:02:12 | |
It cracks up. | 0:02:12 | 0:02:14 | |
No, it does not, and no, I have not. Get out! | 0:02:14 | 0:02:17 | |
SHE SCREAMS | 0:02:17 | 0:02:20 | |
Joke it up! | 0:02:20 | 0:02:21 | |
Why don't you see penguins in Britain? | 0:02:21 | 0:02:23 | |
I've got no idea. | 0:02:23 | 0:02:24 | |
-They're afraid of Wales. -Parp! | 0:02:24 | 0:02:27 | |
That joke was so bad I lost the ability to speak. | 0:02:27 | 0:02:30 | |
I don't hear you coming up with any better. | 0:02:30 | 0:02:33 | |
Bring me the new class. | 0:02:39 | 0:02:41 | |
Now, get joking. | 0:02:52 | 0:02:54 | |
Come on, buddy. Hit me with it. | 0:02:56 | 0:02:58 | |
A crab, he walks into the bar. | 0:02:58 | 0:02:59 | |
The bartender said, "You're barred." He goes, "Why?" | 0:02:59 | 0:03:02 | |
"You've been giving it too much of that." | 0:03:02 | 0:03:04 | |
Too much of what? Too much of your good times. | 0:03:04 | 0:03:07 | |
Yes! | 0:03:07 | 0:03:08 | |
Next! | 0:03:08 | 0:03:09 | |
-Why did the music teacher need the ladder? -Why? | 0:03:09 | 0:03:13 | |
-To reach the highest note. -Boing-oing. Not funny. | 0:03:13 | 0:03:17 | |
Boo! | 0:03:17 | 0:03:19 | |
Never tell that joke again. | 0:03:19 | 0:03:21 | |
At least it's better than what you would do. | 0:03:21 | 0:03:24 | |
I'm doing a lot for the world, yeah. I'm spreading peace and joy. | 0:03:24 | 0:03:28 | |
All you're doing is leaving. | 0:03:28 | 0:03:30 | |
Joke it up. | 0:03:33 | 0:03:35 | |
-What does a cat say when it goes up the highway? -What? | 0:03:35 | 0:03:37 | |
Me-e-o-o-w, meow-meow. | 0:03:37 | 0:03:40 | |
Whoo! Whoo! Pull over! | 0:03:40 | 0:03:43 | |
We're the funny police | 0:03:43 | 0:03:45 | |
and we want to give you an escort down the funny highway. | 0:03:45 | 0:03:48 | |
Thank you. | 0:03:48 | 0:03:51 | |
Ho-ho! I hope the good times keep coming. | 0:03:51 | 0:03:53 | |
What did one lift say to the other? | 0:03:53 | 0:03:55 | |
I think I'm coming down with something. | 0:03:55 | 0:03:58 | |
That is not funny. BOOING | 0:03:58 | 0:04:00 | |
-It better not be a bad one. -Why are binmen so moody? | 0:04:04 | 0:04:07 | |
Why ARE binmen so moody? | 0:04:07 | 0:04:10 | |
Because they're always down in the dump. | 0:04:10 | 0:04:12 | |
I'll be honest, I'd rather shove a hot poker up my nostril than | 0:04:12 | 0:04:15 | |
have to sit through that again. | 0:04:15 | 0:04:17 | |
Bye. | 0:04:17 | 0:04:19 | |
I wonder who won that one, hmm? | 0:04:22 | 0:04:25 | |
It was... | 0:04:25 | 0:04:26 | |
Bingo! | 0:04:26 | 0:04:28 | |
-You should be proud, Meadow Lane. ALL: -Yay! | 0:04:29 | 0:04:31 | |
-Be proud in defeat, Armley. ALL: -Boo! | 0:04:31 | 0:04:36 | |
Phew. Some good jokes there, but none of them... | 0:04:36 | 0:04:39 | |
PHONE RINGS Excuse me. | 0:04:39 | 0:04:41 | |
Hello. Oh, hi sweetheart. | 0:04:41 | 0:04:43 | |
Yeah, I'm almost finished here. | 0:04:43 | 0:04:45 | |
OK. No, you hang up. No, you... | 0:04:45 | 0:04:48 | |
She hung up. Joke you later, jokesters. | 0:04:48 | 0:04:51 |
