Episode 47 The Joke Machine
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Transcript
| Line | From | To | |
|---|---|---|---|
-Across the UK... -Sightings have been reported | 0:00:00 | 0:00:02 | |
of a mysterious object in the sky. | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
What does it want from us? Thousands of children... | 0:00:04 | 0:00:07 | |
Hoping they will be chosen. | 0:00:07 | 0:00:08 | |
One man is on a mission to find the funniest jokes. | 0:00:08 | 0:00:13 | |
He is... | 0:00:13 | 0:00:14 | |
..the Joke Master... | 0:00:16 | 0:00:17 | |
That's me! | 0:00:17 | 0:00:19 | |
..and this is The Joke Machine. | 0:00:19 | 0:00:21 | |
Joke Machine, activate. | 0:00:26 | 0:00:28 | |
Oh... | 0:00:28 | 0:00:30 | |
Joke Machine, activate! | 0:00:30 | 0:00:32 | |
Where are we going? | 0:00:35 | 0:00:36 | |
Yay! | 0:00:38 | 0:00:40 | |
Make me crack up, you jokesters. | 0:00:44 | 0:00:46 | |
No pressure, | 0:00:48 | 0:00:49 | |
but I really need this to be funny. | 0:00:49 | 0:00:51 | |
-Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip to space? -Why? | 0:00:51 | 0:00:55 | |
He wanted to find Pluto. | 0:00:55 | 0:00:57 | |
That joke was so funny, you've turned my voice into that of a giant. | 0:00:57 | 0:01:02 | |
Yay! | 0:01:02 | 0:01:03 | |
Ha-ha-ha, he-he. | 0:01:03 | 0:01:06 | |
Make it count. | 0:01:06 | 0:01:08 | |
What do you call a train filled with toffees? | 0:01:08 | 0:01:10 | |
A chew-chew train. | 0:01:10 | 0:01:13 | |
Never tell that joke again. | 0:01:13 | 0:01:14 | |
Have you got a better one? | 0:01:14 | 0:01:16 | |
What did the toffee apple say... | 0:01:16 | 0:01:18 | |
-Actually, I haven't got time for this. -Ah! | 0:01:18 | 0:01:21 | |
HE FALLS THEN SQUISHES AT THE BOTTOM | 0:01:21 | 0:01:23 | |
What did the young shrimp say when his mum asked him | 0:01:23 | 0:01:25 | |
-why he wouldn't share any of his toys? -I don't know. | 0:01:25 | 0:01:28 | |
Sorry, I'm a little SHELL-fish. | 0:01:28 | 0:01:31 | |
You have just beamed me up to the Starship Hilarity. | 0:01:31 | 0:01:35 | |
Yay! | 0:01:35 | 0:01:37 | |
Next batter. | 0:01:37 | 0:01:39 | |
What does the chess player have for lunch? | 0:01:39 | 0:01:41 | |
Pawn cocktail. | 0:01:41 | 0:01:43 | |
Checkmate. | 0:01:43 | 0:01:44 | |
Whoo! | 0:01:44 | 0:01:46 | |
He-he-he, yeah! | 0:01:46 | 0:01:49 | |
Give me some jokes. | 0:01:49 | 0:01:50 | |
-How do you get your name in lights all over the world? -How? | 0:01:50 | 0:01:53 | |
Change your name to emergency exit. | 0:01:53 | 0:01:56 | |
That is the worst joke I have heard all day. | 0:01:56 | 0:01:59 | |
Excuse me? | 0:01:59 | 0:02:01 | |
That is terrible, I'm amazing. | 0:02:01 | 0:02:02 | |
This is who I think is amazing, | 0:02:02 | 0:02:04 | |
Cupcake. | 0:02:04 | 0:02:06 | |
-Ah! -Rrrargh! | 0:02:06 | 0:02:09 | |
Ha-ha-ha! | 0:02:10 | 0:02:12 | |
There was a pig who walked into a restaurant | 0:02:12 | 0:02:14 | |
and he bought a Coke and he went to the bathroom and left. | 0:02:14 | 0:02:17 | |
And there was a second pig | 0:02:17 | 0:02:18 | |
who went into a restaurant and bought two Cokes, | 0:02:18 | 0:02:21 | |
went to the bathroom and left. | 0:02:21 | 0:02:23 | |
And there was a third pig who came in to the restaurant | 0:02:23 | 0:02:26 | |
and bought three Cokes and he was just about to leave | 0:02:26 | 0:02:28 | |
when the man at the counter asked, | 0:02:28 | 0:02:30 | |
"Why aren't you going to the toilet like all the rest of the pigs?" | 0:02:30 | 0:02:33 | |
and the third pig said, "Because I'm the pig that goes, | 0:02:33 | 0:02:36 | |
"Wee, wee, wee," all the way home." | 0:02:36 | 0:02:38 | |
Ah! | 0:02:40 | 0:02:41 | |
Come to me, class two, for I need jokes. | 0:02:44 | 0:02:47 | |
Yay! | 0:02:52 | 0:02:54 | |
Joke time! | 0:02:59 | 0:03:01 | |
I want some more. | 0:03:02 | 0:03:04 | |
Why do hairdressers drive so fast? | 0:03:04 | 0:03:06 | |
Because they know all the shortcuts. | 0:03:07 | 0:03:09 | |
Ex-nay on the funny-ay. | 0:03:09 | 0:03:11 | |
You suck at this job, you shouldn't be at this job. | 0:03:11 | 0:03:14 | |
Never in a million years would I hire you. | 0:03:14 | 0:03:17 | |
Thanks, Alan Sugar, but you're fired. | 0:03:17 | 0:03:19 | |
Hello, little lady. | 0:03:24 | 0:03:25 | |
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? | 0:03:25 | 0:03:28 | |
Anybody can roast beef, but nobody can pee soup. | 0:03:28 | 0:03:31 | |
I really don't like that joke at all! | 0:03:31 | 0:03:33 | |
Ha-ha-ha, I'm just laughing to cover my sadness. | 0:03:33 | 0:03:38 | |
What do you know about jokes? | 0:03:38 | 0:03:39 | |
A lot more than you, that's why they call me the Joke Master. | 0:03:39 | 0:03:42 | |
Really? | 0:03:42 | 0:03:44 | |
Bye! | 0:03:44 | 0:03:45 | |
Send in the next one. | 0:03:48 | 0:03:49 | |
Go, go, go! | 0:03:50 | 0:03:52 | |
What do you call a crazy moon? | 0:03:52 | 0:03:54 | |
Pfft, I've got no idea. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:56 | |
A LUNAR-tic. | 0:03:56 | 0:03:57 | |
You have totally eclipsed most other jokes today. | 0:03:57 | 0:04:01 | |
Yay! | 0:04:01 | 0:04:03 | |
Ha-ha-ha! | 0:04:03 | 0:04:05 | |
What's the fastest drink in the world? | 0:04:05 | 0:04:09 | |
I don't know, what? | 0:04:09 | 0:04:10 | |
Milk, because it's past-your-eyes before you see it. | 0:04:10 | 0:04:13 | |
Not funny. | 0:04:13 | 0:04:14 | |
What? | 0:04:14 | 0:04:16 | |
Why was the basketball pitch wet? | 0:04:21 | 0:04:23 | |
Because the players dribbled all over it. | 0:04:24 | 0:04:27 | |
You've taken fun and you've taken a -ny and you've put it together. | 0:04:27 | 0:04:31 | |
Funny. | 0:04:31 | 0:04:33 | |
Yes! | 0:04:33 | 0:04:34 | |
I wonder who won that one, hmm? | 0:04:35 | 0:04:38 | |
It was... | 0:04:38 | 0:04:40 | |
Bingo! | 0:04:40 | 0:04:41 | |
St Bride's. | 0:04:41 | 0:04:43 | |
Boo! | 0:04:45 | 0:04:46 | |
Keep booing, you just sound like a cow with the cold. | 0:04:46 | 0:04:49 | |
Whew, we got some good jokes there, | 0:04:51 | 0:04:54 | |
but I need more. | 0:04:54 | 0:04:55 | |
So I'll see you again. Joke you later, gangsters! | 0:04:55 | 0:04:59 |