Swampy's Girlfriend The Legend of Dick and Dom

Many years ago,

a terrible plague consumed the mighty kingdom of Fyredor.

SQUELCH!

The only hope of a cure rested with one young wizard, sent out to scour

the Earth for precious ingredients.

-After many years, he returned with an antidote.

-Bleurgh!

THEY RETCH

The king's sons, Princes Dick and Dom were the first to be cured.

THEY GASP And the last to be cured.

They were banished from the kingdom,

along with their trusty mage, Mannitol,

and light-fingered servant, Lutin.

All never to return until they had collected the ingredients

to re-make the antidote.

And so, the Legend Of Dick And Dom had begun.

Princes Dick and Dom and their band of adventurous travellers

were taking a well-earned rest. Well, they were taking a rest at any rate.

Prince Dom was making one of his world-famous ice cream sundaes,

even though it was Monday, and all was well in Bottom World.

Just one more hundred and thousand.

-PLONK!

-Perfect.

And now for the piece de resistance...

the chocolate!

Hang on a minute!

Where's all my chocolate? I had enough in here for 99 99s!

-No idea, mate.

-I haven't seen it.

Look, a dancing mole!

Look! That's not fair, I was saving that!

-Saving what?

-The chocolate!

What chocolate?

This chocolate!

Who put that there? Mannitol?

That was for my ice cream!

What ice cream?

-This...

-There's no ice cream there, Dom.

He's clearly gone mad.

-I think all this fresh air's got to him.

-My sundae has been ruined!

It's Monday, Dom.

I do think we should press on.

We have a potion to make!

Yes, what's next on the list? MANNITOL CLEARS THROAT

"The song of a swamp monster."

-Oh! That sounds brilliant.

-Yaaah!

No. It sounds more like that.

Are you all right, Prince Dom?

Much better now, thanks.

So where are we going to find the song of a swamp monster?

How about in a swamp?!

I could always magic us straight there!

-ALL: No, you couldn't.

-You've done that before, remember?

THEY SCREAM

That was not a funfair!

-I had fun.

-We'll walk.

It says here that swamp monsters only live in

the stinkiest, squelchiest swamps in Worcestershire Sauceshire.

According to the guide book, the closest one to us is

the Swamp of Painful Doom.

The Swamp of Painful Doom?

That doesn't sound great. Anywhere nicer?

Em... Ooh, Swamp of Lovely Christmas Presents.

Brilliant, we'll go there.

Which is 80,000 miles in that direction.

-Ah.

-Swamp of Painful Doom it is then.

It probably sounds worse than it is.

Swamp of Painful Doom...

That rings a bell.

I thought so. "Swamp of Painful Doom. Home to

"the ginormous Ruby of the Swamp."

That could come in handy.

And so our intrepid band sought the swamp of painful doom.

They soon realised that to find the smelly swamp

all they had to do was follow their nose.

After getting briefly sidetracked by the village of Pig Fart...

OINK! PARP! ..they finally arrived at their goal.

-Well, I think we've found our swamp.

-BUBBLING

-How can you tell?

-I'm sinking!

GERMAN ACCENT: Vot are you sinking about?

PARP!

-Oh! Sheesh!

-Hey, look.

It's a tavern.

We should get inside.

-I could murder a turnip juice.

-You coming, Lutin?

Nah! Just gonna do a bit of sightseeing.

-PARP!

-Eugh!

CROW CAWS, FLIES BUZZ

-Eugh!

-Right, you've seen the sights. Now are you coming?

-In a minute.

You know me, a glutton for a bit of fresh air.

PARP! SHE RETCHES

Where are we, anyway?

-What do they call this village, good sir?

-Bog Off.

-All right, I was just trying to find out where we are.

-Bog Off!

-There he goes again, the naughty peasant!

-No, you're in Bog Off.

-What?

This village is called Bog Off cos it's just off the bog, you see?

Oh, right.

HE HUMS A TUNE

Let's go next door. Maybe they'll know where the swamp monster is.

So, you be looking for a swamp monster?

Yes, and you be very annoying.

-Swampy! Swampy, they call him!

-What?

They call the swamp monster Swampy.

-Why?

-Because he lives in the swamp.

-Oh, right.

-Does anybody know where Swampy is?

-Old Moss does.

-Good, if you could just go and get him for us.

No, that's me. I am Old Moss. Hello.

-That'll explain the beard.

-So can you tell us about Swampy?

You'll be buying something then?

What do you recommend?

Try this.

-What is it?

-Bog Off special. It's called a U-Bend.

HE SLURPS

-BURP!

-So why do they call it a...? Ow!

-That's why. Here's your free one.

-Oh, we get a free one!

-Oh, yes.

-Why's that?

-Because it's happy hour!

HE WOLF-WHISTLES, DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Ha-ha!

BURP! Surprisingly minty... Oooh!

Do you have anything else?

Try this. It's called He-Bend.

-Ooh!

-Not bad.

-And again.

No, it's my turn!

Aaah!

Right, now about this Swampy...

We need to get him to sing for us.

Oh, yes, the fabled song of the swamp monster!

Once heard, never forgotten!

THEY LAUGH

You've heard it then?

Oh, yes. Astonishing, it was.

Well, more like startling. Kind of like folk music,

except not as bad.

What's folk music?

-PLAYS A CHORD, SINGS A NOTE

-Hippy!

Does this swamp monster sing a lot?

Used to, all the time.

Tourists would flock in, place was buzzing. We was rushed off our feet.

Of course, all this was a long time ago.

And then what happened?

He just stopped singing.

Reckon something upset him. He just didn't want to do it no more.

That's funny cos when I get upset, I want to sing about it.

-HE SINGS A NOTE

-When you sing about it, I get upset.

OK, we need to go and find the swamp monster, find out what's making him

unhappy and cheer him up, then he'll start singing again.

No! No! It's too dangerous!

Stay here and buy more drinks!

And that's not dangerous?

It's less dangerous than taking the secret path to Swampy's lair.

There's a secret path to Swampy?

Yes! But I dare not speak of it, for it is dangerous and dire.

Listen, we can handle ourselves, old man.

SPLASH! Help! I'm stuck in this pickling tub!

I will not tell you how to get to Swampy. It's too risky.

In fact, just to be on the safe side, I'll tell you

exactly how not to get to Swampy's lair,

in case you wander there by accident.

-You might want to take this down.

-CLICKS FINGERS

No! Quill, quill! I want a quill!

You were saying...

This is what you must avoid doing in order to get to Swampy's lair!

-Only a madman...

-HE WHISTLES

..would take the winding path past the Mushy River,

the last resting place of dear old one-legged Ted.

Under no circumstances

must you turn left at the leprous toadstools...

-HE SPITS

-..right at the exploding scarecrows,

and then carry straight on across the greasy meadow.

All you have to avoid doing is taking the red path that leads

you directly to Swampy's lair. You can't not miss it.

But if you do, there's a sign you can read and... Oh, here we are...

Thanks. You've been a great deal of no help whatsoever. Oi!

-Wake up, we're leaving.

-HE MUMBLES

Right... No, no! You wait here.

And think of a way to catch a song once we've cheered up Swampy.

Yeah, that should be right up your street.

You're a magician, so you should just stay here.

-We'll be safer that way too.

-Yeah.

-Fine, I'll stay here with Lutin.

Lutin?

Right, here we are, the edge of the Swamp of Painful Doom.

And the ruby is...

here. "X marks the spot."

Oh, how difficult can it be?

Bum cakes! SHE SIGHS

Oh, well, as long as I avoid the poisonous frogs, I suppose.

LOUD CROAKING

Double bum cakes.

Hang on, Old Moss said not to take

the winding path over the mushy river.

Hey, look, it's one legged Ted!

Now remember, these instructions are on how NOT to get there,

so basically, just do the opposite of what ever I say.

-That's going to be tricky.

-You usually manage it(!)

FROGS CROAK

OK, it says here to NOT take the winding path.

So we DO take the winding path?

-Yes.

-You mean no?

Just follow me.

What are you doing?

You said follow me. So I didn't.

-Let me put it another way.

-CRUNCH!

Oh, right, yeah!

OK, just keep quiet.

-Oi, oi!

-Shut up! What are you doing?

You said keep quiet!

No, I didn't mean... Never mind. Just behave.

-But you said do the opposite of whatever you said.

-That stops now.

Does that mean it does end now, or I do the opposite?

Look, just stay here, all right?

-Aaaargh!

-Aaaargh!

-Aaargh!

-Aaargh!

-What's going on?

-It's Swampy. We've found him!

Aaargh!

SWAMPY GROWLS

Don't annoy him!

-You were screaming.

-He started it! SWAMPY SOBS

We're meant to be making him happy, not cry!

We don't want to hurt you, do we?

No, we don't want to hurt you.

We just want to be your friends, don't we, Prince Dom?

I wouldn't go that far.

-What?

-I think he wants you to put your hand inside.

There could be anything in there.

-We've got to make him happy.

-I'll send him a card.

-Don't be such a big baby. Put your hand inside.

-You do it!

-My hands won't fit.

-Yes, they...

Stop arguing. Just put your hand inside. Nothing's going to hurt you.

Apart from snakes. No, the bag is too small for snakes.

-Scorpions, maybe. But not snakes.

-Will you just shut up?

I can feel something. Lots of little hard things.

-Like a bag of teeth?

-Aagh!

-What is it?

-O.

-What's wrong?

No, it's an O. It's the letter O.

-Eh?

-No, O.

-I think he wants to play Scrabble!

-Yeah, yeah!

I've got to come up with something to catch the swamp monster's song

You're a singer, Moonbeam. How do you normally catch your songs?

I don't. No-one ever wants to hear them again, so there's no point.

Brilliant(!) You've been a lot of help.

Thank you(!) Oh, it's down to me. I'm going to have to magic

something up to catch the song. Yes, that would show 'em!

Yeah! Go for it, Mannitol. Meddle with some other-worldly mysteries!

Trumpet, crumpet, like it, lump it!

-Bah, humbugs!

-Is that it?

Now I know why they left you here.

Hang on.

-I'm gonna get it in a minute.

-Whatever, man. Knock yourself out.

Seriously, you should consider knocking yourself out.

SWAMPY GROWLS

Whatever you do, don't eat the custard creams.

Well, apart from the refreshments, this isn't too bad, really, is it?

Thank you. I was expecting a swamp monster

would be much more scary than this.

(All we have to do is to try and get him to sing.)

I tell you what, if we start, he might join in.

-BOTH:

-One, two, three, four...

# She was a cheerful... #

-SWAMPY WAILS

-I don't think he likes it.

We're playing Scrabble with him. That should make him happy.

I think it'll take a little bit more than that. I think he's lonely.

-How can you tell?

-Oh, just little things.

And he's crying through his trousers.

At least I think he's crying.

He's certainly leaking, anyway.

I don't see what he's got to be upset about.

I mean, thanks to you, he's thrashing us.

-I've come up with some brilliant words.

-"Ant" is not a brilliant word.

-Well, it's next to a triple word score.

-Shh!

He's having another go.

"Girl...friend".

"Girlfriend"! You know what this means?

He's used up all his tiles and gets 50 bonus points, the slimy swine!

No. Idiot! It means he's trying to tell us something.

He's lonely because he wants a girlfriend.

And if he's not lonely, he'll sing his song.

-FEET THUD ON GROUND

-Yeah! Yeah!

-Brilliant!

There's just one thing - where are we going to

find a girlfriend for someone as hideously ugly as Swampy over there?

SWAMPY WAILS

Do you think he understood that?

"Beware the poisonous frogs."

Hm...

LOUD CROAKING

Wah.

-SHE GROANS

-Oh, bum cakes!

# They say life is full of roses

# One long delicious romp

# But they've never smelt the stink

# Of that dirty Bog Off swamp

# It smells like dirty eggs

# Nestled in a bucket of poo

# Or an old lady

-# With a dead cat in her shoe... #

-CLANG! THUD!

-Humbug?

-BURP!

And now, for my next song, I would like to sing...

Mannitol! Great news! We've found the swamp monster!

-Thank heavens.

-Brilliant, isn't it!?

-You got here before Moonbeam sang again.

-Not cool, man. Way not cool.

Swampy's not singing because he's lonely. So to make him sing again...

We need to get him a girlfriend.

And I know how. We just need to think of a way to catch the song.

Yeah. (Catch the song, catch the song...)

-Humbug?

-BURP!

Brilliant! It's a jar full of belches!

'Brilliant! It's a jar full of belches!'

No, stupid! Don't you understand?

It's a magic sound-repeating jar!

We can use this to catch the swamp monster's song.

Mannitol, how did you create this?

Well, I knew we needed something to catch the song in, so I used my

extensive magical powers and years of experience and came up with this

masterpiece of thaumaturgical design. Ha-ha!

-It was a complete fluke, really, wasn't it?

-Yes.

So, we've got the jar, all we need is the song.

What is your big idea, Dom?

Ha-ha-ha!

Listen to this...

-Great, that's everything sorted.

-I'm not sure about this, Dom.

Nonsense! Swampy's about to meet the love of his life -

-you!

-In a dating competition?!

Yeah. Swampy's written out all of these questions. You just have to

answer them nicely, then he'll want you to be his girlfriend.

And then he'll be happy,

happy enough to sing a song, then you catch the song in that jar.

-Got it.

-Brilliant.

-How do you know he'll pick me?

Ah, because you're the only one in the competition.

We can't lose. Now go and get ready.

-I am ready.

-Well, go and get more ready.

Oi! I heard there was going to be a dating competition.

-HE WOLF-WHISTLES

-That's right.

-I've got a couple of people here who want to enter.

-They can't!

Why not? They're the two most beautiful girls in the village.

-Kylie.

-BURP!

-And Kate.

-Blimey! Where did you find her?

-That's my daughter. Kate Moss.

-These are the two most beautiful girls?!

They're the only two girls and they want boyfriends.

So if you're having a competition, I want them to be in it.

Kate's taken quite a shine to you.

She's always wanted to be a princess. Quite a looker, in't she?

Yes. Lovely beard.

Dom, which one do you think? Blonde or blue?

-Phwoar! Who's this?

-That's Kylie.

Well, hello. BURP!

-Eurgh! Blimey!

-That's what I said.

Who are these two? Why are they here?

They're here for the dating competition.

HE WOLF-WHISTLES

You said that I was the only girl in the

competition so I'd win it. With these two girls, I don't stand a chance.

-I know. Old Moss insisted.

-Why don't we use Lutin? She's a real girl.

-I haven't seen her since we got here.

-Yeah.

I bet wherever she is she's having a fantastic time.

FROG CROAKS

It has to be you. It's just going to be more complicated than we thought.

We've just got to find a way to guarantee

-that Swampy will choose you so we can get the song in the jar.

-How?

-Right...

-Ah-ha.

Let's just say that we have to find a way to

make sure you are exactly the kind of girl that Swampy will go for -

a lady swamp monster.

I don't look anything like a lady swamp monster.

-I don't!

-All right, you don't. Not at the moment you don't.

-Grab him!

-Aah!

HE GROANS

Are we done yet?

Nearly. Just a little bit of...

-Get off!

-Now a little bit of slime.

Aw!

HE WAILS

Perfect! You're even starting to sound like him.

Your hands...in there.

-Good, and the finishing touch.

-SPLAT!

Let's get cleaned up. Not you.

-Aaaaagh!

-THUD!

SHE GROANS

SHE GASPS

X marks the spot! This must be it!

The legendary Ruby of the Swamp must be close!

Come to me, my beauty!

-GROWLING

-Oh!

Sorry! Didn't mean to disturb you.

There's obviously a mix up. I was just looking for a ruby.

A beautiful...ruby.

Oh. You're the Ruby of the Swamp!

Oh, bum cakes!

-GROWLING

-Oh!

Today, we're holding a dating competition

where we're trying to find a girlfriend for Swampy.

SWAMPY GROWLS EXCITEDLY

Of course you do. But don't worry, we've got a bevy

of beauties all lined up. And they're desperate to meet you.

-Well, they're desperate, anyway.

-SWAMPY GROWLS

Not before your lunch. I've got a load of questions here from Swampy

and the one who answers them in his favourite way will be the winner.

Right, let's get on with it!

Question one. If you could cook Swampy a meal, what would it be?

Er...pink blancmange!

BURP!

-A bucket of snot.

-Dick!

Question two. If you could take Swampy anywhere, where would it be?

Romantica country - land of rose petals.

(Oh, that's good.)

BURP!

-The vet.

-Look, that wasn't very nice.

-SWAMPY WAILS

He's never going to pick you.

I don't want him to pick me. I'm sick of this. I look ridiculous!

Be a team player, all right? We need that song in the jar.

I've one question left. Try and get it right.

Question three -

if you could buy Swampy a present, anything at all, what would it be?

A bunch of flowers.

BURP!

Some breath mints.

THUD! Argh!

Argh!

Hey! Now you're speaking his language!

-THUD! Argh!

-Argh!

-THUD! Argh!

-Argh!

-Argh!

-Argh!

-THUD!

-Argh!

-Argh!

-THUD! Argh!

-Argh! Argh!

Argh, argh?

-What's he doing? Why's he doing it!?

-SWAMPY SINGS

He's singing you his song! You've made him a happy swamp monster!

He's very loud, isn't he?

You could hear that 500 miles away!

Quick! Get the jar!

Sorted!

-GROWLING

-Argh!

SHE SCREAMS

Hey, what happened to all girls together?

GROWLING

Got to make myself look fierce!

-Rrrrargh!

-SHE SOBS

SWAMPY'S SONG ECHOES

Hey, I'm good.

Hey, come back, you coward!

-Groovy man, groovy!

-Well, that's another ingredient in the bag!

-The jar.

-You know what I mean.

SWAMPY'S SINGING ESCAPES FROM JAR

Right, let's get out of here.

I, for one, have had enough of smelling this foul swamp.

Come on, Dom. We can go now.

He won't let me go! He can't resist my feminine charms!

-I didn't see that one coming.

-What are we going to do now?

Tell you what, we'll all go home,

-have a good night's sleep and sort this out in the morning.

-Don't dare!

-Why? Are you scared he might snore?

-No, that's not what I'm scared of!

He's not going to let you go without a fight, mate.

-There's only one thing for it.

-Right.

-We'll leave you.

-You can't do that!

-Why not?

-Why not?!

Why not?!

WHY NOT!?

-Aarrgh! Rrrr!

-RUMBLING

He's getting really angry this time!

I don't think that's all him!

SWEEPING ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

SQUELCH!

-I love a happy ending.

-Happy ending?!

SWAMPY GROWLS HAPPILY

You nearly left me here!

-You dressed me up as a girl and as a swamp monster!

-Yeah, but...

Argh!

SWAMPY LAUGHS

SWAMPY HUMS A JOLLY SONG

Thank you, Princes Dick and Dom.

Now you've got old Swampy singing, business will be booming again.

One for the road?

You'll be welcome back here any time.

-Where are we, anyway?

-ALL: Bog Off!

Charming(!)

-Oh!

-THEY LAUGH

And thus was music restored once more to the Swamp of Painful Doom,

thanks to the tireless efforts of our heroes,

who were learning that there was nothing they could not achieve

if they just put their heads together.

I didn't mean it literally!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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