Hairwolf The Legend of Dick and Dom


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Many years ago, a terrible plague

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consumed the mighty Kingdom of Fyredor.

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The only hope of a cure rested with one young wizard,

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sent out to scour the earth for precious ingredients.

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After many years, he returned with an antidote.

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The King's sons, Princes Dick and Dom, were the first to be cured.

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And the last to be cured.

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They were banished from the kingdom, along with their trusty Mannitol

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and light-fingered servant, Lutin.

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All never to return

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until they had collected the ingredients to remake the antidote.

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And so the legend of Dick and Dom had begun.

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ANIMAL GROWLS, THEY SCREAM

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THEY LAUGH

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Pretty special, eh?

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Yeah, yeah, it looks... it looks...bad.

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The barber even threw in this new comb.

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Said I could have it as long as I...left...quietly.

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Do you know what he called this haircut?

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-A big mistake?

-A fire hazard?

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No!

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The quiff of kings.

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No offence, Dom, but it looks like someone did a big mess in your head.

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OK, we should carry on our quest.

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-Mannitol.

-I must eat something.

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The only thing I've swallowed today is my own spit

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and even that was dry and tasteless.

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The doctor said if you want to lose weight for the summer,

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stick to your crash diet.

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-One pea for breakfast, one pea for lunch and for dinner...

-Another pea.

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Mannitol! Mannitol, no!

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It's for your own good. Three peas a day and that's it.

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-What's the next ingredient on the quest?

-I'm too weak to read.

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The next ingredient is...

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A lock of hair from the golden wig of Barnet. Barnet's just up the road.

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-Let's go!

-I've heard about the golden wig, it is cursed...

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-Let's not go.

-..with magical powers...

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-Let's go.

-..that bring great misery.

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Let's not go.

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We are on a fearless quest.

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If you're so scared of a wig, you should stay at home.

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We got to do everything we can to overcome this curse

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and get that lock for the potion.

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Nothing...nothing will stop us!

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All for one and one for all!

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Look, it's all very good, this, "all for one" malarkey,

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-but what's in it for me?

-I suppose effort should equal reward,

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but we do only need a LOCK of hair from the golden wig,

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so how about, if you find it first, you can keep it?

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-It's golden.

-OK. Deal.

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And no cheating like trying to knock us out so you can run on ahead.

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All right!

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THUD, DOG YELPS

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And so the princes and their underpaid, underfed companions

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went in search of the cursed golden wig.

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It wasn't long before they arrived at the village of Barnet.

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Ah! Hello.

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BOTH: Aaargh! Mum!

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I thought we were still popular with kids.

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You're not from round 'ere!

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He can tell by our noble appearance.

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No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

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I can tell by your...

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ridiculous hair!

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THEY ROAR WITH LAUGHTER

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I remember when we had as much hair as you.

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Before...

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..the beast.

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Once in Barnet, all had hair.

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Mine was long, went down to there.

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But when the moon is strong and bright,

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something gives us all a fright.

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A beast that comes while we're in bed,

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and eats the hair right off our head!

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Sorry to hear that, sounds terrible.

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-Have you got any food?

-Have you seen the golden wig?

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-SHE LAUGHS

-In the days of my father,

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we was tricked by an evil robber and the wig was nicked.

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They came at night without a sound,

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then fled to the castle on the mound.

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Whoever caused this dreadful farce,

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I'd like to kick them in the...

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We'll do everything we can to help you.

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-I could, of course, magic a spell...

-ALL: No!

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We'll go straight to the castle and try and find that wig.

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I'm also truly sorry that you're bald, but do you mind if I just...?

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HE TAPS A RHYTHM

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-No, don't do that!

-What?

-Do this.

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HE TAPS A LIGHT RHYTHM

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-Finished?

-No!

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Finished.

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'And with that, our heroes headed towards the dark castle,

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'completely ignoring the warnings of the baldies of Barnet.'

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There it is. The dark castle - this way.

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THUNDER RUMBLES

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If I find that wig before you lot, I'm gonna be so rich.

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I'm gonna buy loads of honey.

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No, dwarves.

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No, dwarves covered in honey!

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Don't go to the dark castle!

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-It's dangerous!

-What?

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Don't go there!

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Nobody ever comes back!

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It must be great if no one comes back.

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Don't talk to the Baroness!

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-She's cursed!

-Is he talking to us?

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He's all over the shop.

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Don't stew your apples in March, they'll be tart!

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Don't feed a white rabbit Brussels sprouts, it turns green!

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And don't play the bassoon in the bath!

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It's wrong!

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Something terrible has driven him beyond mad.

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Maybe we shouldn't go to the castle.

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Come on, we're not far off it now.

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-Besides, it's raining, my quiff will get wet.

-But he said not to go.

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Are you gonna trust some bug-eyed freak or me?

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Don't answer that.

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THUNDER RUMBLES

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Come on, let's just go.

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Don't put your elbows on the table!

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-You never get any pudding!

-Oh, shut up!

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HE SCREAMS

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See, it doesn't look that scary.

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THUNDER RUMBLES

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-Let's go.

-But what if the wig's in there?

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You're right. The quest. We can't be scared of every terrifying castle.

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Right.

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-You knock.

-Huh?

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What happened to all for one?

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You're the one that knocks and you do it for us all.

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Brilliant!

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THUD!

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DOOR UNLOCKS, KEYS RATTLE

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All right?

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-Seems friendly enough.

-Hm.

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HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

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Greetings! We are princes Dick and Dom of the kingdom of Fyredor,

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and these are our trusty companions. We seek shelter from the storm.

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Can you provide us with a warm bed and food for the night?

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OK, forget the food. Warm beds? No food? Cold beds?

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-Oh! I think he's a musician.

-No, it's an ear trumpet!

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-Wow! He must be a very skilled musician.

-No, he's deaf!

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We need shelter... SHELTER!!

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The sharks are coming?

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-No!

-BOTH: Shelter!

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Santa?

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DOOR OPENS

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I thought I'd told you, Grunter, no guests allowed.

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-What?

-NO GUESTS ALLOWED!

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Certainly, but don't spin me round too fast.

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Let me try.

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I have a really good way with Baronesses.

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Bonjour! Ciao, my wonderful Baroness.

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I am a prince, and these are my companions. We need some shelter.

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Please? Pretty, pretty please? We love you?

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In that case, why didn't you say? Do come in.

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Don't even think about it, you wheedling little man!

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Let me explain, as your pimple of a brain does not understand.

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No guests allowed!

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Look, maybe we should just go.

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Except today.

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-Oh!

-When I change my mind.

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-What?!

-My name is Baroness Clapp.

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What is your mane? Name?

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I'm Prince Dick, and this is Prince Dom.

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We are heirs to the throne of Fyredor.

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-SHE LAUGHS

-Surely HAIRS to the throne!

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-That's a delicious style you have.

-Thank you, I think so.

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So full bodied, so strong. So...

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-Daft?

-Never make fun of a full head of hair!

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You would miss it if it were gone!

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I forget my manners.

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Later, we have a feast.

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GRUNTER! THE BAGS!

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What are you doing?! She's a lunatic!

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No one thinks your hair is normal.

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Oh, I see, just cos the Baroness has good taste, you think she's mad.

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-I think the idea of a feast sounds rather good.

-Me too.

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Not you, fatty!

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Now, have you seen any golden wigs around?

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Sweaty, dirty lollipops.

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No, what I'm saying is, HAVE YOU...?

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Oh, no. Forget it.

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When I'm rich, I'm gonna buy a doorman with ears.

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I heard that!

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HE GRUNTS

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THE BARONESS LAUGHS

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Ooh! You are so funny, Domikins.

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And your hair is so nice.

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Let me go see if your next course is ready. Grunter!

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As soon as this storm passes, we get out of here.

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I know, I know. She's creepy,

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she freaks you out and you can't understand why she likes my hair.

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No. I've just blocked the toilet.

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-Eurgh!

-But yes, mainly she freaks me out.

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I wish everyone would just relax.

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It makes a change to mix with someone with manners.

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She's here to welcome us. She's not a horrible freak...

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What?

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The weather, it's horrible and bleak.

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-Oh... A hair...

-A hair? Where?

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Grunter, too much salt in the soup.

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Oh, yes. It does look somewhat like a ferret.

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HE LAUGHS

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-Are you not eating, Baroness?

-No, I ate already.

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-So what brings you to the castle on such a night?

-Food.

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We're looking for a golden wig, you seen one?

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A golden wig? I never heard of such a thing.

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Really? It's just, we were just in a village,

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and they said that someone had stolen their golden wig

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and that the robber had headed off in this direction.

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THEY LAUGH

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Hilarious! A robber stealing a wig from Barnet.

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I never said that it was from Barnet.

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-SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

-I go freshen up now.

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-I'd give it ten minutes if I were you.

-Your friend is so charming.

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-Did you just see that?!

-Shush!

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Stop stressing the Baroness out.

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No more mention of the golden wig until morning. OK?

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It's not here. She wouldn't lie to us.

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Can we steer the conversation

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-to something a little more light-hearted?

-Like your hair?

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Your barber!

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No, not necessarily my hair.

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SHE CACKLES

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And will you two stop doing that?

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Excuse me! Do you have anything to say to excuse

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your disgusting behaviour?

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Is there any pudding?

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I've never been so embarrassed.

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What about that time you got entered into that pig show?

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Or the time your pants filled up with hot chocolate?

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Uh-uh-uh!

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Can we all please shush? I'm trying to get some sleep.

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Fine by me. So long as you dropped that stupid idea

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of the baroness having the golden wig.

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Yes OK, you're right, I'm wrong, she's lovely.

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She's got great taste and absolutely no wigs.

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Night!

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The moon is almost full, the guests are sleeping.

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You know what that means? Leave this place now, lock the door behind you,

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take the key to the village and stay there until morning.

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No, no, I have already eaten. Thank you kindly.

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Lock the door behind you!

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And do a little tinkle?

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Oh!

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Every day, this torture!

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I heard that!

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THEY SNORE

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Come here, little wiggy.

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Wiggy, wiggy, wiggy!

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Oh, I wonder if people will bow to me when I'm rich.

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Maybe they'll just walk around on their knees.

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Might be a bit weird...

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Ah, who cares? I'll be rich!

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Now, let's see if there's a secret room.

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Castles always have secret rooms.

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Just got to find one of those knobbly metal rings in the wall and pull.

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Oh... Pah!

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What's in here? Oh!

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Come to Daddy!

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Num num num num.

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Now, I'm sure one little morsel won't hurt.

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Ooh! A grape.

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Mmm!

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Ho-ho! A bun.

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Mm!

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Ooh, scone!

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Cookie!

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Grape!

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Mmm! Mmm! Yum.

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Ah...ah...

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Eurgh.

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Ooh!

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Aaagh! It was Dom's fault!

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-Dom! Lutin and Mannitol, they've gone!

-I didn't break it!

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Oh no. You know what this means?

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They've gone for a really big number two?

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No, scheming Lutin is looking for the golden wig.

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I told her it's not here. Why won't anyone believe me?

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She must have taken Mannitol as well. Come on, let's go.

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Remember, don't touch anything.

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What about the floor? Can I touch the floor?

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I mean, I'm touching it now. Ooh!

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Aah! Ee! Aah!

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Aah!

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Ooh! Aah! Ooh! Aah!

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CRASHING AND YELLING

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CAT MIAOWS

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GLASS SMASHES Ow...

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GRUNTING AND HEAVY BREATHING

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Aah! Ooh!

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Take what's left of my hair but please, don't take the pate!

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Aaargh!

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What if it's this one? This one?

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Or maybe this one?

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Oh, I'm going to laugh about this when I'm rich.

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Maybe...

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SHE SIGHS

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Look, a moose's head. Can I punch it?

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No. I said don't touch anything.

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We've just got to find Lutin and Mannitol, that's all.

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I can't see them anywhere.

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But I do see a rather ravishing prince.

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Hey, maybe the baroness would like it if I had a taller style.

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Hee!

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-Ooh!

-What do you think, Dick?

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Dick?

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Dick?

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GRUNTING

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Aaargh!

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WOLF HOWLS

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Typical! Just like I thought.

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I knew it would be the very last one.

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Nothing. But I've tried every one!

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Oh...

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Ha-ha-ha!

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Dick?

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Dick?

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Where are you?

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Ah! Baroness, I was just looking for Dick.

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-I'm sorry?

-Dick, he just disappeared when we were downstairs.

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-Sleepwalking.

-Both of you together? You don't look asleep.

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Aah! Oh, where am I? Weird.

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OK, look, I'll tell you the truth.

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The others thought you had the golden wig.

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They also thought there was something scary about you. And that you smell.

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But...the last one doesn't matter.

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What I mean is,

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they were stupid.

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Though I told them you were friendly, they insisted

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on searching the castle. I mean, any baroness who appreciates

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a mighty fine head of hair like this, can't be weird.

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STRANGE BABBLING

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Baroness?

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Baroness?

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Oh! Sorry, have I caught you without your make up?

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HE SCREAMS

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What have you done? I know you like the hair but you've just

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ruined the quiff of kings. It's going to take me ages to sort this out now.

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SHE YELPS

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Back! Back!

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Rarr!

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Ooh!

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Ooh-ooh...

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Now blow your nose?

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All right.

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SHE BLOWS HER NOSE

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Yes! Finally.

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Priceless.

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Oh. Worthless!

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This isn't gold, it's just blonde and you haven't even had your roots done.

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Oh!

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ETHEREAL VOICES WHISPER

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Strangely...still feel like putting it on.

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Strange forces...

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Aah!

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THEY SCREAM

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It's you. You look ridiculous.

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There's a monster at large.

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-He's eaten my hair.

-No, she.

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It's the baroness.

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I'm sorry I was wrong about everything.

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Oh, apart from a camel does have three eyelids.

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But she's not just a freak, you know.

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She's...a werewolf.

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No, no, no, no, she's a hairwolf.

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I should have known this all along.

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That must have been the legendary golden wig of Wogan.

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The curse of the hairwolf is passed on to anyone that wears it.

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Whenever there's a full moon, they suffer a terrible hungry fate,

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forced to hunt down any head of hair

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until such day as someone else puts on the wig

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and the curse is passed to them.

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Chicken drumstick?

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Look, we've got to be quick.

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Lutin could be in danger. Will you stop wriggling?

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I'm not. Although I did have jellied eels earlier...

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Princes?

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It's her. It's the hairwolf!

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Stay back, Baroness Clapp. You're not going to get another hair out of me.

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-I know what happens to you when there's a full moon.

-Not any more.

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I have been terrible person, I am so sorry for what I've done.

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I turn many good person bald.

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But now, at last, the curse has been lifted! Ha-ha-ha!

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Ah, Lutin.

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-The wig...

-You found it.

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I guess I owe you an apology.

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Don't make me beg.

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If the baroness isn't the hairwolf,

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then somebody must have put the wig on.

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SHE GRUNTS

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THEY SCREAM

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Haven't seen her that angry since I sat on her hamster!

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SHE GROWLS

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Aargh!

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SCREAMING

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Ooh!

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No! You'll never get my last strands!

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SHE GROWLS

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To me!

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And so, as the golden wig burned, its ancient curse was lifted.

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Hairstyles returned to our fearless adventurers

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and to all the villagers of Barnet.

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THEY LAUGH

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Well, at least we have a full head of hair back.

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Thank you, thank you, all of you, for saving me.

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I'll miss you all. I feel so embarrassed about what happened.

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But the curse wasn't your fault.

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No I mean, for liking Dom's hairstyle. What was I thinking?

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I like your new one though, Dom.

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Really?

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No. And Grunter, you've your hair back too.

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Chicken pie, Madam?

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THEY LAUGH

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Sorry you're not rich with gold, Lutin.

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Maybe you found having loyal friends makes you the richest in the world?

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-Money isn't important.

-Yeah, I want double pay.

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On his three pea diet, Mannitol has put on five kilo bags of weight.

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It's a record!

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Baroness, you might want to stock up.

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I did get a little bit peckish...

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Don't have a cheesy ending, no one will believe it!

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It's the loony man!

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THEY LAUGH

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So, that was it. Another ingredient added, a step closer to home.

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And the curse, it was gone forever.

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Or was it?

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Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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