Hairwolf The Legend of Dick and Dom

Many years ago, a terrible plague

consumed the mighty Kingdom of Fyredor.

The only hope of a cure rested with one young wizard,

sent out to scour the earth for precious ingredients.

After many years, he returned with an antidote.

The King's sons, Princes Dick and Dom, were the first to be cured.

And the last to be cured.

They were banished from the kingdom, along with their trusty Mannitol

and light-fingered servant, Lutin.

All never to return

until they had collected the ingredients to remake the antidote.

And so the legend of Dick and Dom had begun.

ANIMAL GROWLS, THEY SCREAM

THEY LAUGH

Pretty special, eh?

Yeah, yeah, it looks... it looks...bad.

The barber even threw in this new comb.

Said I could have it as long as I...left...quietly.

Do you know what he called this haircut?

-A big mistake?

-A fire hazard?

No!

The quiff of kings.

No offence, Dom, but it looks like someone did a big mess in your head.

OK, we should carry on our quest.

-Mannitol.

-I must eat something.

The only thing I've swallowed today is my own spit

and even that was dry and tasteless.

The doctor said if you want to lose weight for the summer,

stick to your crash diet.

-One pea for breakfast, one pea for lunch and for dinner...

-Another pea.

Mannitol! Mannitol, no!

It's for your own good. Three peas a day and that's it.

-What's the next ingredient on the quest?

-I'm too weak to read.

The next ingredient is...

A lock of hair from the golden wig of Barnet. Barnet's just up the road.

-Let's go!

-I've heard about the golden wig, it is cursed...

-Let's not go.

-..with magical powers...

-Let's go.

-..that bring great misery.

Let's not go.

We are on a fearless quest.

If you're so scared of a wig, you should stay at home.

We got to do everything we can to overcome this curse

and get that lock for the potion.

Nothing...nothing will stop us!

All for one and one for all!

Look, it's all very good, this, "all for one" malarkey,

-but what's in it for me?

-I suppose effort should equal reward,

but we do only need a LOCK of hair from the golden wig,

so how about, if you find it first, you can keep it?

-It's golden.

-OK. Deal.

And no cheating like trying to knock us out so you can run on ahead.

All right!

THUD, DOG YELPS

And so the princes and their underpaid, underfed companions

went in search of the cursed golden wig.

It wasn't long before they arrived at the village of Barnet.

Ah! Hello.

BOTH: Aaargh! Mum!

I thought we were still popular with kids.

You're not from round 'ere!

He can tell by our noble appearance.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I can tell by your...

ridiculous hair!

THEY ROAR WITH LAUGHTER

I remember when we had as much hair as you.

Before...

..the beast.

Once in Barnet, all had hair.

Mine was long, went down to there.

But when the moon is strong and bright,

something gives us all a fright.

A beast that comes while we're in bed,

and eats the hair right off our head!

Sorry to hear that, sounds terrible.

-Have you got any food?

-Have you seen the golden wig?

-SHE LAUGHS

-In the days of my father,

we was tricked by an evil robber and the wig was nicked.

They came at night without a sound,

then fled to the castle on the mound.

Whoever caused this dreadful farce,

I'd like to kick them in the...

We'll do everything we can to help you.

-I could, of course, magic a spell...

-ALL: No!

We'll go straight to the castle and try and find that wig.

I'm also truly sorry that you're bald, but do you mind if I just...?

HE TAPS A RHYTHM

-No, don't do that!

-What?

-Do this.

HE TAPS A LIGHT RHYTHM

-Finished?

-No!

Finished.

'And with that, our heroes headed towards the dark castle,

'completely ignoring the warnings of the baldies of Barnet.'

There it is. The dark castle - this way.

THUNDER RUMBLES

If I find that wig before you lot, I'm gonna be so rich.

I'm gonna buy loads of honey.

No, dwarves.

No, dwarves covered in honey!

Don't go to the dark castle!

-It's dangerous!

-What?

Don't go there!

Nobody ever comes back!

It must be great if no one comes back.

Don't talk to the Baroness!

-She's cursed!

-Is he talking to us?

He's all over the shop.

Don't stew your apples in March, they'll be tart!

Don't feed a white rabbit Brussels sprouts, it turns green!

And don't play the bassoon in the bath!

It's wrong!

Something terrible has driven him beyond mad.

Maybe we shouldn't go to the castle.

Come on, we're not far off it now.

-Besides, it's raining, my quiff will get wet.

-But he said not to go.

Are you gonna trust some bug-eyed freak or me?

Don't answer that.

THUNDER RUMBLES

Come on, let's just go.

Don't put your elbows on the table!

-You never get any pudding!

-Oh, shut up!

HE SCREAMS

See, it doesn't look that scary.

THUNDER RUMBLES

-Let's go.

-But what if the wig's in there?

You're right. The quest. We can't be scared of every terrifying castle.

Right.

-You knock.

-Huh?

What happened to all for one?

You're the one that knocks and you do it for us all.

Brilliant!

THUD!

DOOR UNLOCKS, KEYS RATTLE

All right?

-Seems friendly enough.

-Hm.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Greetings! We are princes Dick and Dom of the kingdom of Fyredor,

and these are our trusty companions. We seek shelter from the storm.

Can you provide us with a warm bed and food for the night?

OK, forget the food. Warm beds? No food? Cold beds?

-Oh! I think he's a musician.

-No, it's an ear trumpet!

-Wow! He must be a very skilled musician.

-No, he's deaf!

We need shelter... SHELTER!!

The sharks are coming?

-No!

-BOTH: Shelter!

Santa?

DOOR OPENS

I thought I'd told you, Grunter, no guests allowed.

-What?

-NO GUESTS ALLOWED!

Certainly, but don't spin me round too fast.

Let me try.

I have a really good way with Baronesses.

Bonjour! Ciao, my wonderful Baroness.

I am a prince, and these are my companions. We need some shelter.

Please? Pretty, pretty please? We love you?

In that case, why didn't you say? Do come in.

Don't even think about it, you wheedling little man!

Let me explain, as your pimple of a brain does not understand.

No guests allowed!

Look, maybe we should just go.

Except today.

-Oh!

-When I change my mind.

-What?!

-My name is Baroness Clapp.

What is your mane? Name?

I'm Prince Dick, and this is Prince Dom.

We are heirs to the throne of Fyredor.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Surely HAIRS to the throne!

-That's a delicious style you have.

-Thank you, I think so.

So full bodied, so strong. So...

-Daft?

-Never make fun of a full head of hair!

You would miss it if it were gone!

I forget my manners.

Later, we have a feast.

GRUNTER! THE BAGS!

What are you doing?! She's a lunatic!

No one thinks your hair is normal.

Oh, I see, just cos the Baroness has good taste, you think she's mad.

-I think the idea of a feast sounds rather good.

-Me too.

Not you, fatty!

Now, have you seen any golden wigs around?

Sweaty, dirty lollipops.

No, what I'm saying is, HAVE YOU...?

Oh, no. Forget it.

When I'm rich, I'm gonna buy a doorman with ears.

I heard that!

HE GRUNTS

THE BARONESS LAUGHS

Ooh! You are so funny, Domikins.

And your hair is so nice.

Let me go see if your next course is ready. Grunter!

As soon as this storm passes, we get out of here.

I know, I know. She's creepy,

she freaks you out and you can't understand why she likes my hair.

No. I've just blocked the toilet.

-Eurgh!

-But yes, mainly she freaks me out.

I wish everyone would just relax.

It makes a change to mix with someone with manners.

She's here to welcome us. She's not a horrible freak...

What?

The weather, it's horrible and bleak.

-Oh... A hair...

-A hair? Where?

Grunter, too much salt in the soup.

Oh, yes. It does look somewhat like a ferret.

HE LAUGHS

-Are you not eating, Baroness?

-No, I ate already.

-So what brings you to the castle on such a night?

-Food.

We're looking for a golden wig, you seen one?

A golden wig? I never heard of such a thing.

Really? It's just, we were just in a village,

and they said that someone had stolen their golden wig

and that the robber had headed off in this direction.

THEY LAUGH

Hilarious! A robber stealing a wig from Barnet.

I never said that it was from Barnet.

-SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

-I go freshen up now.

-I'd give it ten minutes if I were you.

-Your friend is so charming.

-Did you just see that?!

-Shush!

Stop stressing the Baroness out.

No more mention of the golden wig until morning. OK?

It's not here. She wouldn't lie to us.

Can we steer the conversation

-to something a little more light-hearted?

-Like your hair?

Your barber!

No, not necessarily my hair.

SHE CACKLES

And will you two stop doing that?

Excuse me! Do you have anything to say to excuse

your disgusting behaviour?

Is there any pudding?

I've never been so embarrassed.

What about that time you got entered into that pig show?

Or the time your pants filled up with hot chocolate?

Uh-uh-uh!

Can we all please shush? I'm trying to get some sleep.

Fine by me. So long as you dropped that stupid idea

of the baroness having the golden wig.

Yes OK, you're right, I'm wrong, she's lovely.

She's got great taste and absolutely no wigs.

Night!

The moon is almost full, the guests are sleeping.

You know what that means? Leave this place now, lock the door behind you,

take the key to the village and stay there until morning.

No, no, I have already eaten. Thank you kindly.

Lock the door behind you!

And do a little tinkle?

Oh!

Every day, this torture!

I heard that!

THEY SNORE

Come here, little wiggy.

Wiggy, wiggy, wiggy!

Oh, I wonder if people will bow to me when I'm rich.

Maybe they'll just walk around on their knees.

Might be a bit weird...

Ah, who cares? I'll be rich!

Now, let's see if there's a secret room.

Castles always have secret rooms.

Just got to find one of those knobbly metal rings in the wall and pull.

Oh... Pah!

What's in here? Oh!

Come to Daddy!

Num num num num.

Now, I'm sure one little morsel won't hurt.

Ooh! A grape.

Mmm!

Ho-ho! A bun.

Mm!

Ooh, scone!

Cookie!

Grape!

Mmm! Mmm! Yum.

Ah...ah...

Eurgh.

Ooh!

Aaagh! It was Dom's fault!

-Dom! Lutin and Mannitol, they've gone!

-I didn't break it!

Oh no. You know what this means?

They've gone for a really big number two?

No, scheming Lutin is looking for the golden wig.

I told her it's not here. Why won't anyone believe me?

She must have taken Mannitol as well. Come on, let's go.

Remember, don't touch anything.

What about the floor? Can I touch the floor?

I mean, I'm touching it now. Ooh!

Aah! Ee! Aah!

Aah!

Ooh! Aah! Ooh! Aah!

CRASHING AND YELLING

CAT MIAOWS

GLASS SMASHES Ow...

GRUNTING AND HEAVY BREATHING

Aah! Ooh!

Take what's left of my hair but please, don't take the pate!

Aaargh!

What if it's this one? This one?

Or maybe this one?

Oh, I'm going to laugh about this when I'm rich.

Maybe...

SHE SIGHS

Look, a moose's head. Can I punch it?

No. I said don't touch anything.

We've just got to find Lutin and Mannitol, that's all.

I can't see them anywhere.

But I do see a rather ravishing prince.

Hey, maybe the baroness would like it if I had a taller style.

Hee!

-Ooh!

-What do you think, Dick?

Dick?

Dick?

GRUNTING

Aaargh!

WOLF HOWLS

Typical! Just like I thought.

I knew it would be the very last one.

Nothing. But I've tried every one!

Oh...

Ha-ha-ha!

Dick?

Dick?

Where are you?

Ah! Baroness, I was just looking for Dick.

-I'm sorry?

-Dick, he just disappeared when we were downstairs.

-Sleepwalking.

-Both of you together? You don't look asleep.

Aah! Oh, where am I? Weird.

OK, look, I'll tell you the truth.

The others thought you had the golden wig.

They also thought there was something scary about you. And that you smell.

But...the last one doesn't matter.

What I mean is,

they were stupid.

Though I told them you were friendly, they insisted

on searching the castle. I mean, any baroness who appreciates

a mighty fine head of hair like this, can't be weird.

STRANGE BABBLING

Baroness?

Baroness?

Oh! Sorry, have I caught you without your make up?

HE SCREAMS

What have you done? I know you like the hair but you've just

ruined the quiff of kings. It's going to take me ages to sort this out now.

SHE YELPS

Back! Back!

Rarr!

Ooh!

Ooh-ooh...

Now blow your nose?

All right.

SHE BLOWS HER NOSE

Yes! Finally.

Priceless.

Oh. Worthless!

This isn't gold, it's just blonde and you haven't even had your roots done.

Oh!

ETHEREAL VOICES WHISPER

Strangely...still feel like putting it on.

Strange forces...

Aah!

THEY SCREAM

It's you. You look ridiculous.

There's a monster at large.

-He's eaten my hair.

-No, she.

It's the baroness.

I'm sorry I was wrong about everything.

Oh, apart from a camel does have three eyelids.

But she's not just a freak, you know.

She's...a werewolf.

No, no, no, no, she's a hairwolf.

I should have known this all along.

That must have been the legendary golden wig of Wogan.

The curse of the hairwolf is passed on to anyone that wears it.

Whenever there's a full moon, they suffer a terrible hungry fate,

forced to hunt down any head of hair

until such day as someone else puts on the wig

and the curse is passed to them.

Chicken drumstick?

Look, we've got to be quick.

Lutin could be in danger. Will you stop wriggling?

I'm not. Although I did have jellied eels earlier...

Princes?

It's her. It's the hairwolf!

Stay back, Baroness Clapp. You're not going to get another hair out of me.

-I know what happens to you when there's a full moon.

-Not any more.

I have been terrible person, I am so sorry for what I've done.

I turn many good person bald.

But now, at last, the curse has been lifted! Ha-ha-ha!

Ah, Lutin.

-The wig...

-You found it.

I guess I owe you an apology.

Don't make me beg.

If the baroness isn't the hairwolf,

then somebody must have put the wig on.

SHE GRUNTS

THEY SCREAM

Haven't seen her that angry since I sat on her hamster!

SHE GROWLS

Aargh!

SCREAMING

Ooh!

No! You'll never get my last strands!

SHE GROWLS

To me!

And so, as the golden wig burned, its ancient curse was lifted.

Hairstyles returned to our fearless adventurers

and to all the villagers of Barnet.

THEY LAUGH

Well, at least we have a full head of hair back.

Thank you, thank you, all of you, for saving me.

I'll miss you all. I feel so embarrassed about what happened.

But the curse wasn't your fault.

No I mean, for liking Dom's hairstyle. What was I thinking?

I like your new one though, Dom.

Really?

No. And Grunter, you've your hair back too.

Chicken pie, Madam?

THEY LAUGH

Sorry you're not rich with gold, Lutin.

Maybe you found having loyal friends makes you the richest in the world?

-Money isn't important.

-Yeah, I want double pay.

On his three pea diet, Mannitol has put on five kilo bags of weight.

It's a record!

Baroness, you might want to stock up.

I did get a little bit peckish...

Don't have a cheesy ending, no one will believe it!

It's the loony man!

THEY LAUGH

So, that was it. Another ingredient added, a step closer to home.

And the curse, it was gone forever.

Or was it?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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