Nan Trap The Legend of Dick and Dom

HERALDIC MUSIC

Many years ago, a terrible plague consumed

the mighty kingdom of Fyredor.

The only hope of a cure rested with one young wizard,

sent out to scour the Earth for precious ingredients.

After many years, he returned with an antidote.

The king's sons, princes Dick and Dom, were the first to be cured.

And the last to be cured.

They were banished from the kingdom,

along with their trusty mage Mannitol,

and light-fingered servant Lutin, all never to return

until they'd collected the ingredients to re-make the antidote.

And so, the Legend of Dick and Dom had begun.

At the next tree, bear left.

To continue their epic journey, our heroes were forced to turn

to new technology - GPS...

At the first available opportunity, turn around.

Gnome Positioning System.

The next ingredient for the potion was hairy bat saliva.

At the next tree, take the third exit. Ahhh.

Ahhh!

You have now reached your destination.

-This thing is rubbish.

-You're rubbish!

-Right!

Stop it! We're tired, cold, hungry....

We haven't seen a sign for Morecambedor in days.

-Apart from that one.

-Apart from that one.

Told you.

I'm sick of this gnome.

-We don't need his help.

-Well, he got us here.

We would have found this place anyway, no bother.

-Look, I think the right way is that way.

-It's not.

Anyone who agrees with me, follow me now.

Well, don't come running to me when you get lost!

Just leave him. He'll be back. Shall we carry on?

-I'm just going to hang here for a while.

-What?

No, I'm happy. I'll catch you later.

But we've got to find the hairy bat saliva. We need you.

You know hairy bats are two a penny in Morecambedor. You go ahead.

But what if we need you to magic something up?

Stay in the hole, stay in the boggy hole.

He's scared of seeing his grandma.

You know what? There's definitely something wrong with that gnome.

I hope you kept the receipt.

I heard him talking in his sleep. Like a whiney little...

..baby.

Your grandma lives here?

Yeah. She's got comfy beds,

warm clothes and she does an amazing apple crumble.

I don't know where exactly.

At the next tree, bear left.

You don't know what she's like.

-She looks all right to me.

-Oh, you don't know her.

She's unbearable.

But you can't not visit. It's your nan!

What kind of a grandson are you?

I haven't written a thank you letter for the last three Christmases.

That's different.

How can you live with yourself?

I know. I know.

I'm so ashamed!

I've found someone who sells it.

Your nearest hairy bat saliva seller is within 500 feet.

-All right, you found him.

-Thank you.

So all we need to do is to get some dry clothes and food

from Nan just over there.

Wait!

# If you're beardy and you wish to sit in a garden

# And pretend to fish.

# Come join us all Doing the gnomey walk. Oy! #

Oh, bless!

-I think we got away with it.

-My talents are wasted on you lot.

Are you sure you can sell us hairy bat saliva?

-I'm sure.

-HAIRY bat saliva?

-Ah, yes!

It can't be any other kind.

-Listen, I've been in this business for 25 years...

-What business?

Er...the spittle business.

OK. If you know so much about it,

how do you collect hairy bat saliva?

-You... well...

-Yeah...

-Well...

-Yes...

-They slaver.

- What? - Yes...

When a hairy bat falls asleep, it tends to slaver

and I creep about with a little teaspoon and collect it.

80 gold pieces. If you ask for a discount you get a dead arm.

-Where is it?

-Just down there.

-Where?

-In a big warehouse, full of it, just down there.

-No, there isn't.

Are you calling me a liar?

Recalculating... Your destination is straight ahead.

Right, come on.

It's just down there, a bit further on.

That way.

(I don't know about him.)

He seems like an honest enough troll to me.

-I'm sure everything is above...

-Ah!

Now, that was not helpful.

OK, it's not looking great right now, but we still don't know

if he's a bad troll.

He might be coming to rescue us.

OK, so he is a bad troll.

But it could still be worse.

FLIES BUZZ

Could still be worse, though.

BIRD CAWS

-Yeah, but...

-Leave it!

DISTANT SINGING

Oh, no.

It's my Nan! Shh, hide.

# Do join us all doing the... #

What's it doing?

It wants to sing along.

Oh, crikey. Don't let it!

Hold it in. Be strong!

# Come join us all

# Doing the gnomey walk. Oy! #

No!

Manny?

How nice to finally meet Manny's friends.

You see, he's never had many friends.

He was such a sickly child.

Does he finish his vegetables?

Er... yes. I think so.

Oh, good.

Because he has had terrible trouble with ...

Manny!

Have you forgotten?

Each biscuit needs its cosy.

Every biscuit has to have its own little cosy.

There. That's better.

Now, come and sit by your favourite granny.

Oh...Nan!

Oh, stop showing off in front of your friends.

Now, where are those paintings?

Oh, no, please!

Oh, this was when he was a lickle baby. Isn't he gorgeous?

He has a real problem with sucking his thumb, though.

- Isn't that right? - It was 50 years ago, Nan.

Don't be silly! He pretends he doesn't do it any more.

But I've seen him.

You see, Manny thinks he's all big and grown up,

but I know the real Manny.

OWL HOOTS

And did you know he wet the bed until he was 26?!

Nan!!

COCKEREL CROWS

And he always had to have a light on in his room when he went to bed.

Because Manny's very scared of the dark.

And there are only certain songs that send him to sleep.

Do you still have to sing lullabyes to him?

Hey? Oh...

-Sometimes.

-Oh, good.

Now, that was that picture. Now, let's go on to the next one...

-Aagh!

-Oh, dear! Oh!

Thanks, Gnomey. If it wasn't for you, we'd never have got away.

Yeah, well, you lot weren't gonna do anything, were you?

We have got to get out of here.

You can't.

-What?

-She's locked all the doors.

Every 15 minutes she patrols the house.

The only time she's distracted is when she's drinking tea.

# Rock-a-bye Manny On the tree top...

# When the... #

-See?

-There's got to be a way out of here.

Nope. You're here for good.

I know a way. But it's gonna be tricky.

When we first arrived I did a full scout of the entire compound.

Take a look at this scale model I made using twigs and leaves.

Now, this shows all the blind spots, trip wires and booby traps.

At first sight it does look foolproof.

But there is a way through it.

You see, your nan's sly, but then so am I.

-Thanks.

-Don't mention it. Shhhhh!

Nighty-night.

Hang on!

No!

-Let us out of here!

-We want to go home!!

So you don't want to know where you can get hairy bat saliva then?

Ah.

-Ah, excuse me?

-Oh, you're not here to see the hairy bats, are you?

I am, actually.

Ha-ha! You heard this? He's come here to see the hairy bats!

-I'm glad you find it so amusing.

-You won't find any around here.

-Oh, no. They've gone. Left about 15 minutes ago.

-Where?

-He don't know much!

-Migrating, son.

They go across the fiery lakes of Shandow...

-Through the vast barren plains of Bungcilit.

-Round the Cape of Apes.

-And finally rest in the icy-cold mountains of Giblet.

-What?

-Some people, you can't tell 'em, can ya?

-I know.

Bear left.

Continue straight ahead.

Take the first available exit on your right.

LOW GROWLING

Women are better at these things.

Stand aside, brave warrior.

We mean you no harm.

But we've been travelling for many a mile

and our quest lies within this forest.

We are not violent, but if you resist we cannot

be responsible for our actions.

-Yeah, go in if you like.

-What?

You're not gonna put up a fight?

Why? I'm just waiting for me mate.

Oh, right.

-Morning.

-Hello.

-Morning.

-Oh! Morning.

Do you have any hairy bat saliva?

-Absolutely.

-Oh!

-Can we have some?

-Yeah, certainly, sir.

Although, er... You do know about our sale?

-No.

-Three bags of hair balls for the price of two.

-Er, no, we don't want any of those, thank you.

-No. No, of course not.

I'll do you four. But keep it under your hats.

-We're not interested.

-All right, all right. I understand.

You drive a hard bargain. Five, but that's it!

Look! We're not interested in your stupid hair balls!

-It's a good deal.

-Shh!

Look, my nan said we could get hairy bat saliva here.

Oh, are you little Manny?

Yes. Why?

Your nan asked me to give you this.

Thanks.

-Now do you have any or not?

-What?

ALL: Hairy bat saliva!

-What? HAIRY bat saliva?

-Yes.

-No.

Well, then why did you say you did?

I thought I could sell you these hair balls. I can't shift 'em, lads.

Useless. Let's go.

Oh, I could order it in for you.

-Oh, well, how long?

-Not long.

-How long?

I think I could safely guarantee

to have it here within...

six...to...eight...

ALL: Yes?

..years.

All right, listen, six bags for the price of two.

Am I crazy or what?

I can't understand it, Manny, they had loads of it last time.

Did he give you the sugar?

Yes.

Here you are.

There is another place I know of.

A magic orchard in a hidden forest.

Legend tells of a vast lake of hairy bat saliva surrounded by apple trees.

Many men have ventured there but few have returned.

And where is this hidden forest?

It's through the woods and to the left.

Hmmm.

-Well, looks just like water to me.

-Mmm, me too.

-Are you little Manny?

-Yes, why?

Your nan asked me to give you this.

-Thank you.

-Well, go on, taste it.

-Excuse me?

-It's the only way we're gonna find out!

Oh, yeah...

HE GARGLES

-Well?

-Don't know.

What does hairy bat saliva taste like?

Nope. Just looks like water to me.

But you said...

-I said

-LEGEND

-tells of a lake of saliva.

You know what legends are like, total rubbish!

Did you pick up those apples?

Erm, yes, here you go.

There is another place I know of.

No way. Forget it.

No, but this time I'm certain.

There is a farm not far from here with loads of geese.

And one of them has a small vial round its neck,

and I'm sure I heard it contains hairy bat saliva.

Honest!

Listen, you'll kick yourself if you never look.

-Over there!

-Where?

-Near the tree!

-No, they're over here.

-No, look, over there.

-Hang on a minute!

-What?

These geese are wild, right?

-I think so.

-And what are we doing?

-Er, chasing 'em?

-So we're on a wild goose...

Chase.

Oh, no.

- Excuse me. - Yes?

Are you little Manny?

- Yes. - Ar!

I bet you've got something for me.

Cinnamon sticks.

I think I know what's going on here.

You're getting us to do all your shopping!

- No, I'm not. - Then why are we collecting ingredients for an apple crumble?

Well, I just thought as you were out, you might as well pick up a few bits.

You lied to us.

That's a bit harsh.

-You don't know where the hairy bat saliva is!

-I do, actually.

Hairy bat saliva!

Why didn't you tell us?

Because I'm lonely.

It was so nice having people in the house again. People to talk to.

Oh, why can't you stay, Manny?

Because, Nan, I'm 58 years old.

I've got my own life, traipsing round the world with these...losers.

You have to find some company somewhere else.

Are there any old people's clubs you can join?

You could get a pet...?

That's not a bad idea.

Yeah. Er, see ya later!

Just stay for one more night.

I promise. First thing in the morning you can leave.

I won't do anything to stop you.

So, our heroes agreed to stay for just one more night.

Nan fed them her legendary apple crumble.

Is she really gonna let us leave?

Next morning, before breakfast,

and without a word, they took their chance and left.

Mmmmm. Mmmm!

Crumble. Crumble.

Mmmm! Mmmm!

I knew you didn't really want to leave.

Our heroes were trapped, forced to live with Nan for ever,

as crumble-dependant zombie slaves bound to a life of knockout whist,

all-day trips to the local shops...

And perhaps worst of all,

the sing-songs.

# Baa-baa, black sheep Have you any wool

# Yes, sir, yes, sir Three bags full. #

Surely now their quest would never be finished,

and the poor people of Fyredor were doomed.

Are you gonna finish these dishes?

IN HIGH VOICE: Yes, Nan.

Anything, Nan.

My mum's mum's crumble...

When you finish here, I want this whole place weeding. All right?

Yes, Nan.

Very good.

Psst!!! You two.

It's me. The gnome.

You know. GPS?

You've got to get out of here.

You're on a quest, remember? To save the people of Fyredor.

-Crumble!

-Forget about the crumble.

You need that, remember?

Crumble?

Oh, no!

# If you're warty, if you're grey

# If you're scabby, skin like clay

# Come join us all... #

That's it. I've nowhere left to turn.

Left...turn.

Hang on!

At the door, bear right.

Continue straight ahead.

No, no, no. Oh, no.

Jump over and run like crazy. That's it.

BELL TINKLES

It's like that, is it?

Well, no-one gets away from Nan that easily!

Stand up, stand up. Forwards.

No, up, up, up.

At the lake, go straight ahead.

In the lake.

It'll wake you up. Come on!

-Agh!

-Aghh! Get off!

Ow! What was that for?

I'm sorry, but you left me no other choice.

I remember sitting down for tea - then it all went blank.

I did try to warn you. Once she's got you, that's it.

-That crumble weren't half nice, though.

-It's deadly.

You can't think of it as crumble.

You have to think of it as a weapon of war!

And that weapon is reloaded and ready to fire!

Quick. Run!

You will never escape the power of the crumble!

MANIACAL LAUGHTER

-Run!

-It's gaining on us!

-Crumble!

-Fight it, Dom, fight it!

But it's so lovely!

No, you must be strong!

-Oh, those apples!

-Oh, the crumbly top!

Oh, the soggy middle!

The...the mission! The quest! The crumble cannot win!

Everyone's depending on you.

But I can't stand it, it's too much.

The pudding's not the answer!

Oh, lovely crumble!

STOMACH GROANS

Oh, actually, it doesn't half play havoc with your...

HE FARTS

Oh, you're right.

-FARTING

-Oh, excuse me.

Hang on a minute. What are we doing here? Come on!

-Run!

-Leg it!

-No!

-She's gaining on us!

Wait! I've got it!

He's still not here.

All right? I knew you'd be back.

Right, then. Six bags for the price of ten, and that is it!

No, forget the hair balls. We need hot steaming tea and lots of it!

All right, I'll pop the kettle on.

-Will it work?

-It has to.

-It's our only hope.

-Giving up, are we?

I knew you were weak.

No-one can resist the power of the apple!

Oh!

A nice cup of tea.

-Yes!!!

-Right, we've got to go, Nan.

Sorry. I promise I'll write you a thank you letter this Christmas.

-Come on!

-Let's get out of here before she drinks all the tea!

-Dick?!

-Ha-ha-ha...

Hats...and fire...and bathroom fixtures. And hairy bu-bu-bu...

-Hairy b...

-Bats?

B... Bu...

Brilliant!

Now all we have to...

-Ooh!

-GLASS SMASHES

Oh, great.

Do you know what? Perhaps I should hold on to things from now on. Mmm?

Well, well, well.

What have we got here then?

Oh, yes, yes. Look, just nick all our stuff and let us go, will you?

Now why would I want to do that?

-Because we're in a bit of a rush?

-Oh, no, no no.

This is the fun bit.

I'm going to savour it.

It's the only bit of this job I really enjoy. Right...

What have we got here then? Hmm?

String. Candle.

Don't know what that is.

-Nail vanish?

-Just get on with it.

Going somewhere, are we?

What have you got here then?

Smells like a crumble.

Oh, no, don't eat that, whatever you do, please don't eat that!

Oh, all right.

Must have...more crumble.

Crumble. Must have more crumble!

More crumble.

More...crumble.

There you go.

There.

And when you've done that, you can do all the surfaces

and then I need you to go into town for a few bits.

Yes, Nan.

Well, we got rid of your Nan, Manny.

But what about the quest, you know?

What about the hairy bat saliva!

You don't really think I'd have left that place without pinch...

I mean, gathering what we needed, did you?

Ah!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

And so the next vital ingredient, hairy bat saliva, was added

to the potion, and Princes Dick and Dom

were another step closer to home.

Any more of that crumble?

Get out of it!

Beat him up, beat him up!

Oh, Manny!

It's not funny.

Me legs hurt!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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