Back to School The Legend of Dick and Dom

Many years ago, a terrible plague consumed

the mighty kingdom of Fyredor.

The only hope of a cure rested with one young wizard,

sent out to scour the Earth for precious ingredients.

After many years, he returned with an antidote.

-Ugh!

-Oghh...

The king's sons, princes Dick and Dom, were the first to be cured...

-SMASH!

-..and the last to be cured.

They were banished from the kingdom,

along with their trusty mage Mannitol,

and light-fingered servant Lutin. All never to return until they had

collected the ingredients to re-make the antidote.

And so, the Legend of Dick and Dom...

had begun.

Our brave band of adventurers arrived at the entrance

to a forbidden lair. Inside lay the next item on their quest -

a dragon's clack.

A dragon's what?!

Clack. It's the dangly bit...

THEY GIGGLE

..at the back of the dragons' throat!

Behind the five rows of razor-sharp teeth.

But fear not, I have a spell to protect you all.

And is this spell going to work?

-Absolutely.

-So we're not going to get horribly burned or anything?

I am offended at the very suggestion.

OK. Let's do it.

I don't see what all the fuss is about.

I mean, many brave men get a few scorch marks.

Yes, but those men get burnt by...the dragon.

And not by their own sticky wizard.

It was just one little mistake.

Er, hello?

It was just two little mistakes.

Yes, you set us both on fire.

And then you turn the dragon and his flappy clack...

-into a prune!

-Look, I got hurt too, you know!

The spell rebounded and hit me on the head.

Yes, that is a rather strangely-shaped scar.

-I mean it looks like...

-A big bum!

-..a big bum.

All right, all right...

so I suppose there were a couple of minor issues with the spell.

Minor?!

Minor? Look at me!

You didn't get burnt!

No, but my entire body's vanished!

-Big deal!

-I'm just a head! How am I going to get home?

-Roll. Ha-ha-ha!

Ha ha(!)

Mannitol, you can get my body back, yeah?

Absolutely.

Probably. Working on it.

I do know a very, very good spell.

-No!

-No...!

-No more magic. No more spells.

Mannitol, you are the worst wizard ever!

I'm just going through a bad patch.

I'm a professional.

-I was sent to a very reputable wizard school.

-Did you arrive?

Yes, course.

I just, I...

Oh, who am I kidding?

I suppose I should be honest with you all.

The truth is...

-The truth is... I never finished school.

-What?!

The thing is, I agreed with the headmaster

that I wasn't best suited to learning in a school environment.

ROCKETS WAIL, EXPLOSIONS BOOM

This explains so much - the inexperience,

the incompetence, the beard...

I gained experience on the job!

-Believe me, you did not.

-Right, that's it.

-Mannitol! You are going back to school.

-Oh!

And with that bombshell, our heroes journeyed for many miles

to the north of Bottom World.

Eventually Princes Dick and Dom, their disgraced mage Mannitol,

and the bodiless Lutin arrived at their destination.

Well, there it is - Bottom World School of Wizardry!

This castle has seen countless generations

of talented young wizards...

And you.

-It's weird. Have we been here before?

-Don't think so.

I've got this deja vu feeling.

A castle where young wizards go?

In the middle of nowhere? Have I read this before or something?

MUSIC: Harry Potter Theme

Doesn't ring any bells. It'd make a great story though, huh?

-I look stupid.

-No you don't, you look lovely.

Look, we'll pick you up at the end of term, OK?

Be a good wizard. And don't upset any teachers.

Go on, off to the headmaster!

Oh, come on, he'll be fine. We just have to forget about him.

Anyway, we need to find another dragon's clack. On with our quest!

Can't we just go in and check on him?

All right, if it makes you feel better, come on.

LUTIN: Er, hello?

-When do I get my body back?

-Is that all you can think about?

Mannitol's just had to go back to school!

Can't we just leave her here?

There must be a nurse - they can grow her body back or something.

-Do I even get a say in this?

-It'll be fine.

We'll just say you're a pupil who's had an accident. Or you could be...

-the head teacher!

-Head teacher!

Ohh! When I get my legs back I am going to kick you two...

I am the headmaster...

Professor Whitebeard. Fondant fancy?

You seem very...

kind, for a headmaster.

Yes, I believe students should be treated with respect.

I pride myself on my calm manners,

quiet voice and superbly-fashioned beard.

In fact, I haven't lost my temper now, for...

..40 years! Please, do take a seat.

So, you have returned to complete your studies.

Strange, I don't remember you. Were you here before I joined?

It was a long time ago now.

Ah. Before the great fire?

Yes. Around that time.

-And what is your name?

-I am Mannitol.

The scar! So - the legend is true!

They said that one day he would return...

the Worst Wizard!

No-no-no, you've got the wrong person.

I am not that bad.

But you bear the markings of...

the Worst Wizard!

Do you mind not calling me that?

Of course. Whatever you say...

Worst Wizard.

Now, classes commence in ten minutes, we need to get you ready. Cupcake?

I must leave you now, unfortunately,

I'm expecting two new members of staff.

But Nurse Hope in here will help you get de-loused.

Actually, I'd rather not... No...!

Argh...argh! No, no, no!

-Aaaah!

-NURSE: Heh-heh-heh!

There's the nurses' room. We'll drop off Lutin,

and go and check on Mannitol.

Quickly though - we've got to get a dragon's clack.

-I was wondering when I was going to get to meet you both!

-Eh?

I am Professor Whitebeard.

Mint thin?

It's a great honour to meet you.

-Oh, thank you!

-What's going on?

-It is you, yes?

-Dick, sometimes I think you forget that we're royalty.

-Oh!

You're right, it is us indeed. It is we. We are us. We are we.

Ah, Nurse Hope, you are just in time

to meet our two newest members of staff.

This is Mr Marcus Mystical Marvoloso and Professor Putrid.

I hope you've both washed yer hands.

I can't stand grubbiness.

SHE SPITS

Look, I think there's been some kind of mix-up...

I'm so glad you've both arrived today! You'll be here tonight

for the presentation of the prize dragon's clack.

-Brilliant, I'm glad we made it in time!

-Lovely to meet you!

Now, which of you exactly is Mr Marvoloso,

and which is Professor Putrid?

-I am Mar...

-No, I'm Marv...

THEY ARGUE

HE CLEARS THROAT

I am Mr Marvoloso!

And I suppose that makes me Professor Putrid.

Wonderful! Professor Putrid is our new teacher,

and the world's leading authority on the supernatural.

Oh, yes, yes, I am! Supernatural, you know, a bit like...

grapes! You know they're super. And they're natural.

Mr Marvoloso on the other hand...

-That's me!

-..is our new caretaker.

Just in time as well,

the headmaster's toilet's getting a bit stinky.

-Too much sticky froggy pudding!

-Heh-heh-heh!

Great. Oh, look, we found this outside.

Looks like one of your littl'uns has got a little bit littler.

Another one that needs a body growin' back.

That happens all the time in this place. Heh-heh-heh!

Wonderful woman, the children adore her.

-Now, you mentioned something earlier about a dragon's clack?

-Ah, yes...

A truly wondrous artefact,

much prized for its use in spells and potions.

Obviously we keep this as a trophy -

we'd never actually allow it to go into a potion!

-No!

-No...

THEY CHUCKLE

THEY LAUGH RAUCOUSLY

-No, of course not.

-Ridiculous idea.

Yes. Now, Professor, if you're ready, I'll take you to your new classroom.

And maybe later we can enjoy a glass of fuzzleberry brandy together.

Caretaker...? The toilet's that way. And your mop's over there.

Oh, right, it's a magic mop, that cleans by itself?

What on earth's he talking about?

HE SIGHS

Psst!

Look! Careful of the wet floor. I made it all nice and shiny!

Very nice. What about the clack?

I'll break in to the cabinet after clearing the drains.

There's a festering ball of sausage meat

and I have to pull out the backlog.

You think that's disgusting. I've got to go and teach Year 11.

DOM LAUGHS

-You, a teacher?!

-I could be a teacher.

What, you think you're responsible enough

to be a role model for the nation's children?

Yeah.

-So you're really going to do school again?

-Yes.

And I'm going to do it properly this time.

Yes, if I put in the effort, I will succeed with determination

and help from the best teachers in the kingdom.

-Good morning, class.

-Oh, dear.

-I'm your teacher.

-Oh, deary, deary me.

-My name's Professor Dick.

-I thought we were getting Professor Putrid.

-Ah, yes.

But you can call me Professor Putrid.

So, who's going to tell me what I'm teaching today then?

-Please.

-You're here to tell us about toasts.

You mean ghosts, you idiot! THEY LAUGH

Now, we don't laugh at other people!

Who's the old geezer at the front?

Ha-ha-ha! Sorry.

-What are you doing here?

-I'm your teacher.

-No, you're not.

-You don't understand!

-I don't understand?!

You had to come and mess it up.

-I'm trying to learn!

-Whatever you think I'm doing,

-I promise you I'm acting in your best interests...

-This is not...

THEY GASP

Oh, no, no, no!

I'm not the Worst Wizard. No, no, um... I got this scar by, um...

fighting a dragon. Before I turned him into a prune.

-He really is the Worst Wizard!

-Stop saying that, please!

-What, "Worst Wizard"?

-I'm warning you!

Calm down. Why don't we all compare ear wax or something?

Worst Wizard! Worst Wizard!

Worst Wizard! Worst Wizard...

No, I'm not the Worst Wizard! Right, I'll prove it to you,

I'm not the Worst Wizard, when I turn your hair into...

THEY LAUGH

Worst Wizard! Worst Wizard! Worst Wizard!

-I'm not listening! La-la-la...

-Worst Wizard!

Worst Wizard! Worst...

Professor Putrid, what is going on?

-Is that Jessica Reynolds?!

-There's no need to worry, Headteacher,

everything is under control...

THEY LAUGH

Mostly under control.

Yes, yes, carry on then, Professor.

Right. Where were we?

KEYS JANGLE

-Ah, caretaker!

-Oh, how are you, headmaster?

Not bad, not bad. Pickled egg?

-Actually, between you and me, I very nearly lost my temper just then.

-Oh.

For the first time in 40 years! 40 years!

Which would take something truly awful for that to happen.

There was something I wanted to ask you though...

-That Professor Putrid...

-Yeah?

Do you think he really is a trained teacher?

Oh, yes. Absolute professional.

-DISTANT GLASS SMASHING DICK:

-Stupid child!

Great sense of humour.

-SMASHING CONTINUES DICK:

-Right!

Very modern teaching methods.

CHILDREN SCREAM

Yes, well, I suppose I am a little out of touch,

I really should stop worrying.

I see you're an admirer of our trophy cabinet.

What? No no, not at all!

Well, a bit. It's very...secure.

Let's get this clack out for tonight's presentation, shall we?

Now... I could give it to you for safekeeping.

-Y-Y-Yes, you could.

-But I won't.

No sense in taking any risks.

Best take it to my study. Yes.

Oh, and there's some cream and sick needs cleaning up in classroom eight.

-If you don't mind.

-Why would I mind?

I love cream and sick!

Still want to be a teacher, then?

Let's just take that clack and get out of here!

Oh, no, no...

You shouldn't actually do that!

-Why, cos you've just polished it?

-No. Cos it's not in there.

-Oh?

Ahhh...

MAN: I'm sure the headmaster's office is down here somewhere.

One moment, please.

Is the headmaster's study nearby?

Yeah, yeah, it's that way.

Oh, thank you! I'm Professor Putrid, I'm the new teacher.

And I'm Mr Marvoloso the new caretaker.

Oh, well, did I...

-Did I say that way?

-Yes.

-I meant that way.

-Oh!

PROFESSOR PUTRID LAUGHS

He's muddled!

THEY CHAT AND LAUGH

I know. Goodbye.

KEYS JANGLE, BANGING ON DOOR

We need to find that clack before we're rumbled.

The headmaster's taken it to his study.

I haven't got a key for it. If only we knew someone that could break in,

someone shady, somebody sneaky, someone...

Ah!

Look. I understand that it's important, but I just can't do it.

So you're not going to break into the headmaster's study

because you think it's wrong?!

No...! I can't break into the master's study

because I've got the body of a traffy wambap!

-FLAPPING

-Ughh!

Whoa...

Mm-hm. Look, as soon as Nurse Quack grows my body back,

-I'll break into that study and get the clack for you, OK?

-Cheers, Lutin.

This is Mr Marvoloso who will be helping me this afternoon

with our physical exercise class...

-Huh?

-Physical exercise class.

Oh, yes, yes, that's right. Physical exercise. Um...

What do we do?

Do you have broomsticks?

-No. Er...

-A mop?

-Teacher?

-Where?!

-Oh, me! Yes?

-Professor Whitebeard

-said you should take us on a 20-mile run.

-Did he, now?

Right... Er... No.

Tell you what. Let's try something different.

Has anyone heard of the Bottom World game "booglies"? No?

You take it in turns in pairs to shout "booglies",

getting louder each time. So...

You go with her, he'll go with her...

CHILDREN SHOUT

BOOGLIES!

Ohhh!

Wha... Wha...

What in the heavens is happening with those new teachers? Oh!

Oh!

Owww...!

Must...stay calm.

Must...stay calm. Stay calm.

NURSE SPITS

Now, where's that clack?

And so we come to the most important part

-of the first day at wizarding school.

-Dinner?

No, no... The new wizards' test.

To determine the smartest of you,

to be awarded the dragon's clack this evening!

You have one hour.

The answers to the test, Professor?

I-I don't know them! I-I'm sorry! You see I'm not really a t...

On this scroll. The answers to the test.

So that the students can mark each other's papers.

Of course!

-Hey, how did it go?

-Brilliant.

I've given Mannitol all the answers.

Excellent, well if Lutin can't steal the clack,

then Mannitol should win it tonight.

-Either way, we're out of here!

-Who's out of here?

Er, he is. Yeah, I mean, if he mops the floors that badly again.

I mean, look at it.

Look at that. Filthy.

Could I have a word with you both in my study? Now.

Here we are, do come in, do come in.

Take a seat. Now...

Party ring?

I need to talk to you about your certificates.

A most curious matter.

I checked your names with the Registry of Magic and, er...

you don't appear to have any records.

How... How odd.

I'm sure it is a silly mix-up,

but if you could bring me your certificates I'd be grateful.

Unless for some reason...

..you don't have certificates?

THEY CHUCKLE

THEY LAUGH RAUCOUSLY

Of course we've got our certificates!

They're up...in our bedrooms.

Oh, good, what a relief.

My apologies, it has been a most unusually trying day.

Although I didn't lose my temper! Not for 40 years!

-BOOGLIES!

-Aaaargh!

Yes, yes... A most ingenious game, it appears to have quite taken off. Yes.

-These qualities of patience that I have...

-Can I have another biscuit?

Qualities that over the years have found me...

-Can I have another?

-If you must.

-What does this do?

-That is a most precious artefact.

-I must respectfully ask that you leave it alone.

-Does the head move?

No, no, it does not, please do not touch it.

As I was saying, I have qualities...

-BOOGLIES!

-Please don't!

-Can I have another biscuit?

I DID ASK... I did ask that you leave that alone...

Don't try and mend it, I am most concerned...

-Can I have another biscuit?

-No...!

-BOOGLIES!

-Right! Enough!

Cease this nonsense!

These childish, immature, petty displays!

Pull yourselves together for goodness sake!

How old are you? I've never seen such pathetic members of staff

in all my life!

I'll just, er... Flip this back a few years.

40 years! 40 years...

You annoying, silly little flipping flip chart!

Right, you two.

I'm taking this to the presentation ceremony.

Meet me there, WITH your certificates!

DOOR SLAMS

BOTH: Oooooh!

Hang on a minute, he's got the clack.

Right. Mannitol has to come first in that test before we're fired.

Oh, and tell Lutin not to bother breaking in now.

Roger that.

NARRATOR: Dick and Dom's time was running out -

down the road, and into the next kingdom.

How long until the headmaster discovered they were impostors?

Their only hope was for Mannitol to come top of the class

and win the dragon's clack.

-Where did you get these?

-Headmaster's wall.

Do you think he'll notice?

Yes.

Yes... HE TAPS ON GLASS

Ohh...

Yes, thank you, thank you.

As your first day at new wizards' school draws to a close,

I hope you're settling in with few problems.

-BOOGLIES!

-Shhh!

Yes... It is now time to reveal the results of our new wizards' test.

To make the presentation, it is,

unfortunately, traditional to call upon the services

of our newest teacher, Professor Putrid.

APPLAUSE

The winning pupil will receive

this trophy, the coveted dragon's clack!

-Professor?

-Ahh...

And the winner...

of the dragon's clack is...

-Lizette Harper?

-Who?

APPLAUSE

Mannitol! What happened?

Dick gave you all the answers!

-What answers?

-On the scroll!

The scroll he dropped in the exam!

Oh! I thought he was giving me a spare piece of paper!

I made notes on the back of it.

Oh, brilliant. Once again you've completely messed everything up.

Mannitol, you are useless!

Stop! That's them!

-They kidnapped us and took our jobs!

-Gentlemen!

I'm disappointed in you both.

Nurse Hope, take them to the dungeons immediately...

Stop right there!

Mannitol, what are you doing?

-This is no time for a pupil to interrupt here.

-I'm not a pupil.

I'm with them. And so is she.

These are not a disgrace.

They are good and noble men.

They are princes.

And all they are trying to do

is save a pox-ridden kingdom from disaster.

-And I keep messing it up by being an incompetent fool.

-Thanks, Mannitol.

-And you're not incompetent.

-Huh?

A little bit, a little bit.

But if they wanted to rescue a helpless kingdom,

why didn't they merely ask me for the clack?

-That's a good point.

-Yes, why didn't you just ask him for it?

It's too late for that now!

I say we should vaporise them both, this very second!

Stop!

Now anyone who raises so much as a hand to them,

-I will turn into cold custard!

-Ooh...

You saw what I did to that girl. Hm?

Well, I'll do exactly the same but with marshmallows on the top.

Now we're going to walk out of here, with the dragon's clack.

Headmaster? Do you want me to deal with this?

Let them pass.

Good magic may conquer evil, but it is no match for bad magic.

-And that man is very, very bad at magic.

-Thank you.

And so the legend came true.

The return of the Worst Wizard.

THEY ALL GASP

I'm not listening.

What now?

Run!

NARRATOR: Our brave band of heroes were not so brave and ran.

That's right, they legged it, the big jessies.

As fast as they could, leaving the castle very, very far behind.

I think, I think we've lost them.

I don't think they actually chased us.

-What a day.

-Tell me about it.

I just want to forget about it all.

Not... Not all of it.

Mannitol. Thanks for what you did in there for us.

-Yeah, cheers, Mannitol.

-I take it all back.

So you don't think I'm bad at magic, then?

Oh, no, no, no. We know you're bad at magic, but...

-even that can be useful sometimes.

-Right, well, thank you, I suppose.

Right, one dragon's clack.

One step closer.

I hope Mum and Dad are grateful for this!

It's just glad everything's back to normal!

-Oh...bumcakes.

-Oh, no, no, fear not.

I know a magic spell...

ALL: Noooooo!

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