Home The Legend of Dick and Dom

-Many, many,

-MANY

-years ago,

a terrible plague was brought upon the citizens of Fyredor

by the wicked Beastmaster.

This dark disease had almost turned the whole kingdom into beasts!

Fortunately, an antidote had been made by the king's only two sons,

Princes Dick and Dom,

their trusty mage Mannitol, and light-fingered servant Lutin.

Unfortunately, they were still many miles away,

with the Beastmaster determined to stop them from getting home.

With time running out, our heroes must get back to Fyredor

with the antidote before it's too late!

The Legend Of Dick And Dom continues!

After many long months travelling home,

our heroes awoke on the final day of their journey.

Princes!

Now, if we leave soon, we can be home in Fyredor before sun down.

Yes, home!

Great, I can't wait to go home.

Yes, it's a place filled with loved ones.

No, no, no! I left a jam doughnut under my bed.

The important thing is that we get the antidote back

before the Beastmaster catches up with us.

There is nothing more important than that antidote.

Oh! The antidote!

What?

Oh!

I thought my aftershave smelt a bit funny.

-Probably that wombat's bumwart we put in there.

-What?!

Grub!

Great! Breakfast!

No, I mean I've found this grub. But, yeah, your egg's ready.

Lutin, Princes... To the journey home!

We're nearly there.

Heavens. I wonder what we'll find? How ravaged Fyredor's become.

Maybe they've forgotten all about us.

I'm sure it'll be a very low-key reception.

Is that...bunting?

We've done it!

We've got the antidote!

CHEERING, NEIGHING, BAAING

So it seemed that all their efforts, the battles,

the hardships, the sleepless nights

spent next to Prince Dick's cheesy feet,

had been worth it after all.

Our team returned to a hero's welcome

as the citizens of Fyredor queued for miles to be given the antidote -

their tiny drop of freedom.

CHEERING

The party continued long into the night until all were cured.

Citizens!

Citizens of Fyredor! So many of you thought this day would never come.

People said my two sons, these two princes, couldn't do it!

People said they were too cowardly, too pathetic!

Oh yeah? What is it?

-Oh, thank you. Yes, admittedly,

-I

-said that.

But we were all guilty of doubting them. We called them names.

Prince Dom, the Dumb!

Prince Dick, the Thick!

Prince Dom, the Baby Bed-wetter!

Prince Dick, the Widdly Nick.

Oh yes, darling. Thank you, darling.

Prince Dom, the spotty faced idiot freak, halfwit,

lop-sided pin-head!

All right, Dad!

They have proved us all wrong.

Against the odds, these noble princes have succeeded.

CHEERING

To Prince Dick, Prince Dom,

and their loyal companions, Lutin...

-CREAK!

-..and Mannitol,

the saviours of Fyredor!

Henceforth, this day will be known as "Dick and Dom Day".

Every citizen shall be re-named Dick or Dom.

I myself will change into a woman and call myself Lutin.

I've always wanted to be a woman, you know.

What do you recommend, a lovely silk dress, pink polka dots?

HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

Oh, that antidote's doing me the world of good.

Wow! What an amazing day!

Although it happened really quickly, it's almost too good to be true.

Yeah.

Yes, I also wonder whether I... .

Mannitol?

Dick? Did you just see that?

Dick?

Lutin!

Wake up!

Please wake up!

What's happening?!

We're still in the campsite.

It would appear we've been in an enchanted sleep.

Someone must have drugged our eggs.

That's not possible. The eggs were fresh from the chickens over there.

Clockwork!

The Beastmaster!

Oh! The antidote!

It's gone!

We must get to Fyredor as quickly as possible.

According to my moon dial, we may have been asleep for three days!

To be fair, that's just a normal lie-in for me.

Look!

The city gates.

Where is everyone?

DONKEY BRAYS

You're too late!

-Wait. Come back!

-We need to check on Mum and Dad.

Thank goodness. Daddy!

I sincerely hope not.

If you're looking for Mummy and Daddy,

I'm afraid they're feeling a bit "ruff".

Or perhaps it is this that you are looking for?

Why, I ought to...

Ah-ah-ah! Unless you want your precious potion to go bye-byes?

You are too late to be heroes. The plague has taken hold,

all of Fyredor are now beasts, and I am their king!

Don't listen to him, Dad. Mum, we're going to get help. Right?

Slebbadebba! Din-dins!

Meet Slobbadobba. One of my finest creations.

One part man, 38 parts walrus, one part satsuma.

He's able to eat anything in existence.

Except olives. Give him an little tum-tum.

No, Slobbadobba! Not the flagstones.

Slebbadebba! Breakfast!

Prune regularly and keep well-watered

during the growing season.

And this is Botanicus.

I was crossing an amateur gardener with a goat

when a herbaceous shrub got in the way.

Still, he's rather grown on me.

-Put it in a round pot and use a good loamy soil.

-No!

So, as you see, escape is impossible. Bring them to the operations room!

Time to show you the real reason for all of this.

Now time for a little geography lesson.

Please, no!

Will there be a test?

You see, the unique thing about Fyredor is its mountain location

situated directly above the Adelphi underground spring.

The Adelphi spring is the main source of water for Bottom World!

Top of the class. Of course, once I have drilled down into it,

and mixed in my own special ingredient from my own special vial,

Bottom World's water will not be so pure. Get it?

-You monster!

-You beast!

-I thank you very much.

Every man, woman, child will be infected. All shall be beasts!

All hail the Beastmaster!

Slebbadebba supper!

No, Slobba!

I must say, you have proved worthy adversaries.

Escaping from my lair, evading capture,

and keeping your hair so well-conditioned. I am impressed.

You may prove useful. Help me keep my new kingdom in order.

I shall offer you all a choice.

Face a lifetime as beasts or join me as beastmasters.

-Never.

-I would rather die.

-Sorry, BM. Not going to happen.

Lutin, what are you doing?

Think about it, guys. Best offer on the table.

Excellent! You have chosen well, Private Lutin.

Let's put your loyalty to the test, shall we?

This is what is known as anti-serum.

I imagine that you have all drunk that little potion of yours,

which means you are immune to my plague.

This potion removes that protection.

Make them drink it. Now!

-Lutin, no.

-Think about what you're doing.

We will get the plague if we drink that.

No hard feelings. Take it on the chin, yeah?

Transfer to a damp, sheltered location.

BLEATING

-This is where he's keeping everyone with the plague.

-It's our turn next.

We're probably already infected. All we have to do now is wait our turn.

Argh! Argh!

Mannitol! You all right?

Scales! Scales on my arm.

Maybe it's just a patch of dry, flaky skin?

I'm changing. Changing into an animal.

-A lizard, or a snake or something.

-Mannitol, you have to fight it!

It's that Lutin. Can't believe she's done this to us.

She's just there strutting around there, like a chicken.

Actually, I've always wanted to be a chicken.

Maybe that's what I'll get turned into? Oh, I would love to be able to lay eggs.

Imagine, you'd be in bed for breakfast every morning. You wouldn't even have to get up!

Oh, what cruel transformation awaits me?

A lion? No. A great ape? Oh, no.

A mighty antelope?

What?

With the...

Oh, good.

-Tea's up, boss.

-Excellent! So good to have you on board.

Actually, I'm not in the mood for tea at the moment.

Why don't you have it? Unless, of course, you've poisoned it?!

-No.

-Oh. So sorry.

-It's all right.

I told you. I don't care about them, you know? Bunch of losers.

Yes, of course, I apologise. Let's start over, shall we?

Although, I might just check the foot of the gargoyle.

No doubt you've stolen the key to rescue your little friends.

Oh.

Or not.

HE CLUCKS

This is it, brother, this is the end. At least I got to be a chicken like I wanted!

All right. Don't rub it in. Oh, this is so undignified!

But these carrots are very delicious.

It could be worse. I mean, look at Mannitol.

HE BLITHERS

For the record, I should make an excellent cod.

There must be something we can do. It can't end like this.

SQUELCHING NOISES

This is it, brother. This is the end.

He's won. We're beasts!

No, wait. The aftershave!

Aftershave? This is no time for grooming tips.

No, no. He's right.

The antidote. I splashed it on my face this morning!

It's worked. It's worked!

Lick my face!

Licky, fishy, licky. Licky, licky.

-That drainage maps from the library, boss.

-Thank you.

That is, if you've even been to the library?!

-And not to try and help your little princey friends?!

-What?

I have planted a tracking beetle on you, to trace your every step.

Little Alan here will tell me your every movement

in the last 30 minutes.

What's that, Alan? Oh, she has?

Number one or number two? Hm.

And has she been to try and rescue the little princes?

No? Not at all? Completely loyal? Oh. Right.

Back on Daddy's shoulder with you!

It seems you are completely beyond suspicion, Officer Lutin.

Yeah, and I can do much more than just make tea and pick up maps.

-Cleaning?

-No. Plotting! Those princes, for a start.

I know them, and they'll be up to something.

If I were you, I'd send a guard down there to keep an eye on them.

-The drill has broken through.

-Excellent.

Go down there and keep watch over our prisoners.

We will make a most beastly team, Lieutenant Lutin.

-Come now. It's plague time!

-Slebbadebba elevenses!

Oh, Slobba! You've eaten Alan.

Now I shall have to buy a surveillance earwig,

and they're very expensive.

As the Beastmaster began his terrible plan,

our trio had become human again

by licking the antidote from Prince Dom's face.

-Thank goodness. Back to normal.

-All except for that faint whiff of fish.

We've got to get out of here. We haven't got long.

-So, we all need to focus.

-Oh, look. My jam doughnut!

No, no, no. It's down to us. We are the last remaining citizens

of Fyredor that can do anything about this.

We owe it to Mum, to Dad and everybody in this room.

We can beat the Beastmaster! Are you with me?

-Yeah!

-Absolutely.

Right, let's go!

-It's locked.

-I knew that.

Perfect! We have broken through to the Adelphi spring.

Lutin! The dispersal machine.

Once this chamber is fully pressurised,

the plague will be released into the water supply.

The whole of Bottom World will be contaminated.

And nobody can stop me now. All shall be beasts!

-All hail the Beastmaster!

-All hail the Beastmaster!

Does it take long?

Anyone for snap?

We need to think positive.

Mannitol, we need to get through that door.

Zoonderblast, Gavalast, Elastoplast, Crimplene!

Oh, that's just typical.

I've never done a spell properly in my life.

I thought - I hoped - the door would open. I'm such a failure.

If only...Agh!

-Mannitol!

-I did it! I got it right!

-Yes! Almost.

-We've got to go.

It's just you and me then, bro.

Ow!

-Right, Slobba, it's your turn.

-Slebbadebba snacks!

We'll just call that a "snap", shall we?

We need to get to that drill before...

Remove the dead flowers and fertilise with a good bone meal.

-Run!

-Take the specimens firmly by the roots.

-Dom, help!

-I'm coming!

-Make small indentations, with a dibber...

-I don't want to be dibbed!

-I don't even know what that is!

-..about two to three inches deep.

-I've got an idea.

-Hurry up!

Always keep out of direct sunlight.

Direct sunlight!

-Thanks, bro!

-Oh, looks like his plans have gone to seed!

Sorry.

Right, that's it. Game over. Bad Slobba. Go and check on Botanicus.

-Tea?

-Oh, yes. Don't mind if I do, comrade.

-Sugar?

-Yes, honey?

-Oh!

Most amusing. I'm sorry that I ever doubted you, Lutin.

It's all right. Bottoms up!

Always good to have a nice cup of tea

-while you watch the world end.

-Yeah.

-My tea!

-You OK?

Yes, I think the milk's a bit off. Stinky.

-Master. Botanicus is missing!

-Secure the doors! And eat the keys.

Even if those precious princes have escaped,

in a moment it will be too late!

HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

-There he is.

-OK, here's the plan.

I'll distract him and then fend him off with this breadstick.

You break down the door.

OK. It's a foolproof plan. Here goes. One, two, three.

Niahhh!!!

-Come on, you big lard-head!

-Slebbadebba din-dins!

Yeah? Yeah? You want some?

-Go, Dick, go!

-Ra-a-a-r-r!

CRUNCH!

I think the plan's gone wrong!

-(HIGH VOICE):

-I know. I know!

-Argh! Dick, help!

-Hang on!

Hang on. I've got my doughnut!

-Not good. I think he can manage more than a jammy doughnut!

-Hang on!

Mmh! Slebbadebba teatime!

Get over here!

He's...eating himself.

BURP!

BOTH: Urgh!

Looks like he's had his just desserts.

Sorry.

-It was my turn, though.

-Get the keys. Let's go!

Stop right there, Beastmaster!

And you, Lutin, you traitor. The game's up!

Bravo, little princes. Very well done. But sadly too late.

The noise is my plague entering the water supply.

The streams, the rivers, the towns, the cities,

the whole of Bottom World will now be infected!

I can't turn it off!

There is nothing you can do. All shall now be beasts! All. All!

-Are you laughing at the same thing as me?

-No!

-Then what are you laughing at?

-This!

-Oh!

If this is my plague, then what is in the machine?

The antidote!

-WHAT?!

-Oh, yeah.

While you were making a cup of tea, I was switching the vials.

So, in fact, as we speak, all the water in Bottom World

-is being mixed with antidote.

-No!

-Mm-hmm.

Every living creature will soon be immune to your plague forever!

-No-o-o-o!

-Lutin, you hero!

Oh, I'm sure you guys never doubted me.

Of course. Of course. Something like that.

I'm so glad you didn't get the plague.

-I thought you might have missed my clue!

-Clue?

Yeah, when I said, "Take it on the chin",

and I meant the aftershave on your chin.

Yes, yes, absolutely. No, no. Of course!

Look out!

Now that's what I call a spell!

Ra-a-ar!

I will get you.

I will not forget.

VOICE ECHOES: I am an anima-a-a-l!

That's it. It's over. It's finally over.

-Indeed, it

-was

-finally over.

As the waters of Bottom World mixed with the antidote,

all who had been cursed by the terrible plague

drank deep and were cured.

Every ingredient they had gathered,

every step of their long, long journey had been worth it.

The King and Queen had been restored to the throne of Fyredor

and the party continued late into the night.

Even if the King's speech was just as bad as ever.

..Prince Dick, the demented dilly-dally plum-boy poodle.

Prince Dom, the smelly-bottomed, pumpkin-faced,

potty-mouthed, idiot-boy, prune-head.

So, you sure we can't persuade you to stay?

No. I've had enough adventures for one lifetime. Thinking of heading North.

Find myself a normal, honest job. Well, honest-ish.

And I feel duty-bound to search for my family.

Yeah. Yeah, family's important.

Well, we've had an exciting few years, huh?

The thing is, it only feels like...

Actually it feels like a few years, huh?

Take care, guys.

-Promise to visit?

-Of course we will.

-It would be an honour.

TORTURED PARPING

Princes Dick and Dom! Manni'ol the Mage!

Lady Lutin! Ra-a-r!

I got an emergency message from the King of Ovendor.

He wants to know if you is available for an urgent quest.

What shall I say?!

-Danger round every corner?

-Almost certain doom?

Terrible toilet facilities?

Shall we?

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