The Cabbage Ball Secret The Legend of Dick and Dom

Many, many, MANY years ago,

a terrible plague was brought upon the citizens of Fyredor

by the wicked Beastmaster.

This dark disease had almost turned the whole kingdom into beasts.

Fortunately, an antidote had been made by the king's only two sons,

princes Dick and Dom, their trusty mage, Mannitol,

and light-fingered servant, Lutin.

Unfortunately, they were still many miles away,

with the Beastmaster determined to stop them getting home.

With time running out, our heroes must get back to Fyredor

with the antidote before it's too late.

The Legend Of Dick And Dom continues!

Today is the day of the big race -

the Cabbage Ball Run.

-If you could give young Victor all your worldly possessions...

-What?!

First to the ball-shaped cabbage wins everything,

losers run crying home to their mums.

No, please, not that!

Just make sure those two princes and their servant are eliminated.

AIR HISSES

Brrmmm! Brrmmm!

-No, don't touch anything!

-What about this?

Especially that!

-I think we're going to...

-Aaargh!

..crash!

You idiots! Look what you've done to my house.

Aaargh! CRASH!

Faster, faster!

Mannitol!

CHEERING

-Your trophy...

-Oh.

-..and your prize.

Yeah!

-Hermit, what are you doing?

-Princes, it is time to say goodbye

to the last hope for Fyredor.

-All hail the Beastmaster! Ha-ha!

-Get him!

-Go! Everyone on.

-It won't work.

Oh...we've been clamped.

Right then...

Breaking the speed limit,

driving a vehicle under the influence of sherbet,

driving a vehicle using illegally obtained jam...

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-But it wasn't illegal!

..complaining to a trooper in a whiny voice,

stealing and recklessly crashing a vehicle,

-getting chicken soup stains on a vehicle...

-It was tomato.

That's double the penalty, then.

-And finally, operating a bathtub while sitting at the plug end.

-What?!

So, that's 40,002 cankles to pay in fines.

-Sign here.

-Great(!) That's it. All my winnings gone.

OUR winnings.

-Oh, whatever!

-There is always that rather fetching Cabbage Ball trophy.

I wondered what the smell was.

-Actually, that was me!

-Right. That's it. Let's go.

We have a hermit to find.

Oh, no! You is not going anywhere in that vehicle.

It is painted in an unauthorised shade of puce.

-But we have to chase the hermit.

-He's got our antidote.

I does not care if he has your Auntie Margaret.

Nothing is going to make me release that vehicle.

-Hm-hm. Ten cankles?

-Happy driving!

-I'll drive.

-Bagsy the front!

-LUTIN:

-No, I want the front!

-MANNITOL:

-Come on! Wizards sit up front.

THEY ARGUE

CRASH!

THEY GROAN

Bagsy the back seat.

And so our heroes set off as quickly as they could,

chasing the hermit who had turned out not to be a hermit -

a fake hermit! A fermit - a hermit fake - a hake...

Oh, no, actually, that's a kind of fish.

-It's like looking for a needle in a haystack.

-I've done that before.

Boring as anything.

-There!

-Where?

-There! It's his car!

Well, any sign of the antidote?

Nothing. DOM SIGHS

Oh, look. A biscuit.

He's left a trail behind.

-WITH MOUTH FULL:

-There's another one!

-Quick, follow those biscuits!

-DICK MUMBLES WITH MOUTH FULL

I said follow them not swallow them.

Come on!

LUTIN: Come on!

He must be in there. Come on!

-Hello.

-Anyone there?

Good day to you.

I am Brother Asus.

And I am Brother Targus.

-We are the Brothers Beyond.

-What?!

The Brothers Beyond - a brotherhood of likeminded souls

who seek only tranquillity,

isolation, and the quiet enjoyment of each other's company.

And how many of you are there?

-Just the two of us.

-I'm really getting sick of him.

Brother Targus, please! Control your base emotions.

Forgive me. I am still in training.

I'm really sorry. We're in a bit of a hurry.

You haven't seen a hermit running past?

Ah, yes, yes. There was an old gentleman who ran past.

Yes. I suppose he was seeking peace, serenity and...

-Mind-numbing boredom!

-Brother, please!

Sorry, sorry.

There he is! HERMIT SCREAMS

Quick! Get him!

-In!

-What?

-Now!

-It's not my fault.

-Just get in.

-What?!

Get back! Don't get any closer!

We trusted you and this is how you thank us?!

Where's the vial?

# I buried it, I buried it! # Ha-ha!

-Where?

-Well, obviously I'm going to tell you(!)

Here's the vial.

Go on, take it! I'm SO your friend(!) Ha-ha!

What's wrong with him?

I have a very bad feeling about this.

-Look, just tell us where you buried the vial. We won't hurt you.

-Ooh!

I'm so scared. I'm terrified(!)

I'm quaking in my boots. Where's my teddy bear? Ha-ha!

What's happened to him?

Those woods must be the legendary Woods of Sarky.

If anyone so much as sets foot in them,

they are afflicted with a terrible, mind-melting sarcasm.

-Lutin must go there on her holidays!

-Hilarious(!)

-See what I mean?

-I have read about them in magical, ancient texts.

Mm, I'm sure you have cos you're a great wizard(!) Ha-ha!

-DOM LAUGHS

-The trick...

-DOM STOPS LAUGHING

-The trick is to try and keep calm.

Do not let the sarcasm get to you.

Oh, yeah! I bet you can do really great spells(!)

So what are you - the slap-head wizard from Wallydor?

Why, you impudent little...!

-HERMIT SCREAMS

-Mannitol!

THUD! SCREAMING STOPS

LUTIN: Oh.

HERMIT SCREAMS

-THUD! SCREAMING STOPS

-So, how do we...?

HERMIT SCREAMS

Shut up!

What are we going to do now?

Ooh! I think we may have found a clue.

-DICK:

-He must have left it for his master.

"Visit a bank that has no money."

If we can solve the clue, we might find where he's buried the vial.

It won't be long before the Beastmaster catches up with us.

Absolutely, absolutely.

So nothing, NOTHING is more important than this!

-I agree.

-Good.

-Oh, look. Food.

Great. I'm starving.

We can only offer you a simple meal of bread and water.

We have abandoned our former decadent desires.

-I miss doughnuts so much.

-Targus!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

So, this clue - "A bank that has no money."

What can it mean? >

I don't know. What kind of bank has no cash?

Any bank if I can get my hands on it!

Hang on a minute! I've got it!

A bank with no money - a river bank!

Of course!

-DOM CLEARS HIS THROAT

-Is there a river near here?

Yes, about half a mile north.

Ah! Have you got a spade we could borrow?

Ah, we are but a simple people.

Out the back door, behind the combine harvester.

Ah! Thank you.

Great.

Come on, Dom, do some work.

I'm just going to check out over there.

To see if the Beastmaster is coming.

Again.

Hold on. I think I've found something.

Is it the vial?

Must be the next clue.

"Find a crow that never flies."

Erm...

Dom, we've found another clue.

Ooh! You don't say?!

Cos I thought you'd found a fire-breathing moose,

or an entire world made of marzipan.

Oh, aren't you clever?

Oh, dear. I fear Prince Dom may have strayed into the Woods of Sarky.

Oh, you do, do you?

Cos I thought I'd been to the Moon.

Or to a fish farm.

Yes, yes, no, no, yes, yes.

A fish farm?

Fish? Fish?

A fish. Fish, fish, fish.

Sarcasm seems to have worn off.

He's a bit bruised, but overall he's been fairly lucky.

You're telling me! And he didn't have to do any digging.

I gave him fiddle feddle fuddle.

It should keep him sedated while he recovers.

He shouldn't have set foot in the woods.

Perhaps you should abandon your plans to look for this vial.

-Yes.

-We cannot.

It is of vital importance.

As you wish.

We shall leave you now.

For our daily meditation.

A peaceful ten-hour contemplation of mystic pebbles.

(So boring!)

Can't wait!

Bring out the stones!

So, what are we going to do about this next clue, then?

"Find a crow that never flies."

Any ideas?

I've got it. Janet Crow! She lives down our road,

I bet she's never flown.

I believe I have the solution!

A crow that never flies...

A scarecrow!

Brilliant! There's one in the next field!

Dom, we'll be back soon. Don't move a muscle.

Oh, you can't.

HE SNORES

Oh, he's asleep.

Brother Targus, they are getting to close to finding the vial.

If only that hermit had told us where he'd buried it.

What should we do?

We must summon the Beastmaster.

And can we cancel the boring meditation thingy?

No.

DOM SNORES

We don't have much time, we must summon the Beastmaster

using smoke signals.

Do you have a sack?

Yes.

Well, may I see it?

All right.

Come on, come on.

Come on!

Yes, excellent.

Now, place your sack over the chimney pot.

I'm going to have to wash this again now. It'll reek.

Shh! Right, now, let me see.

"Thank you for purchasing the Baby Book of Smoke Signals,"

blah, blah, blah.

Ah! Here we are!

Distress calls, must be under the letter C.

C, C, C, ah!

"Come quickly, come quickly, we have your eggs.

"Come quickly, we have you elephant.

"Ah, come quickly, we have your enemies."

Perfect. One long puff, three short puffs.

Must. Stop. Them.

One long, three short. Right...

One long puff.

Three short puffs.

One.

Must put fire out.

Three, oh...

Ah, typical!

What does one long puff and TWO short puffs mean?

"Come quickly, we have your toiletries."

Close enough.

Oh!

What does that mean?

"I am coming to get my shampoo."

We'll just have to explain when he gets here, but...

we have succeeded.

The Master is coming.

Have to help them.

Ah! Ah!

Argh!

Ah! Oh!

Oh, I was just so sure, so certain that the vial would be buried here.

Don't worry,

you can't help getting this wrong so often.

-Thank you.

-It must be round here somewhere.

But where?

It's not like we could just ask the scarecrow, is it?

I don't see why not. Oh, yeah, right,

don't ask me where the vial is.

Obviously I wouldn't know, cos I'm just a stupid scarecrow, right?

Just because I stand out here all day and all night, ooh!

Doesn't mean I haven't got feelings too, you know?

# Standing here on my own

# Standing here all alone

# On a stick

# Feeling glum

# Itchy straw by my... #

Yeah, all right! Do you know where the vial is or not?

Oh, yeah, sorry. Yes.

Here's the last clue.

But will you...

Will you be my friends?

Will you?

Oh.

BIRD SQUAWKS

HE GROANS

The Beastmaster will soon be here.

To collect what is rightfully his.

Yes. You're not talking about his shampoo, are you?

DOOR CREAKS

Prince Dom.

I have sedated him with a draught of the wibble dibble shrub.

-He should soon be at rest.

-What's happened to him?

Oh, we don't know. We were up on the roof when he must have fallen.

What were you doing on the roof?

It is a place of tranquillity.

Where one can escape all of life's annoyances.

Except him.

Listen,

you must...

You must listen.

No, no, no, no.

Don't strain yourself.

Everything's fine. Look!

We have the final clue.

No, listen...

The brothers...

The brothers will look after you while we get the vial back, OK.

But the brothers...

The brothers.

I think some more wibble dibble shrub is necessary to calm his nerves.

He must be allowed to rest now.

HE SNORES

I'm sure Prince Dom would like us to focus on the final clue.

"Go to a hill you cannot climb."

They don't get any easier, do they?

Maybe it's a magical hill.

No, I know this one!

Yes! Let's go!

You sure?

Yeah. 100%, used to be one of my pet hobbies.

Surely we must follow them.

We cannot let them find the vial.

Patience, brother.

They shall not succeed.

We must go and welcome the Beastmaster.

The hour is at hand.

Must...

Must warn them.

Oh!

Argh!

Ta da! A hill you cannot climb.

Molehills.

Brilliant!

They are awfully big molehills.

Most ingenious.

The hermit must have put the vial down one of these holes.

I love moles, me. I always have done.

Every since I was little I had little chats in the garden.

Hey, I wonder whether they'll recognise me?!

Doubt it!

Oh yeah, they're blind, aren't they?

-Yes.

-Oh well, I'll have a go anyway.

Hello, moley.

Moley, moley, moley!

Come out, come out, Uncle Dickie's about!

SQUEAKING

Oh, hello. Remember me?

-Argh!

-No!

Hold on!

Got it!

MOLE LAUGHS

Sorry!

I've got it! We've...

Argh!

Oh! Sorry!

Oh...

HE COUGHS

Oh!

Oh!

Sorry!

Sorry, Dick!

Sorry.

HE WHIMPERS

Oh, sorry.

-We did it!

-We did it! We did it!

I don't like moles anymore.

All that matters now is that the antidote is safe.

Right, let's go and give the good news to Prince Dom.

MOLE CRIES

Ha ha ha! Yes! Yes!

MOLE GROANS

HE COUGHS

You look ridiculous.

There's no time.

Listen, the Beastmaster is... The Beastmaster is...

The Beastmaster is what?

The Beastmaster is here.

Oh, Princes, and you got so far, too.

But finally I have caught up with you and the precious, precious antidote.

Leg it!

-I don't think so!

-You?

Yes, I suppose you could say I was just a bad habit.

If only I could have a doughnut for every time he says that line.

I believe you have something that belongs to me.

-No!

-Sorry guys.

Ha ha ha!

Take this into the monastery and wait for me.

Together we will burn it in the fire for all eternity.

Yes, Master.

-Does he know our fire is waterlogged?

-Ssh.

Don't you ssh me!

But first,

Princes, it is time to say the final goodbye.

Oh, no.

What do you get if you fuse the Master of the Beast

with the evil essence of...

a hungry caterpillar?

Hey?

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha!

Argh!

Say goodbye, Princes!

No! It doesn't have to end like this!

Wait...

-What...

-The cabbage ball!

-Whoa!

-Grr!

Whoa!

No, caterpillar, eat THEM!

Agh... Yah!

-Argh!

-ROARING

-Run!

-Argh!

Get in!

-The antidote, we must get back to the monastery!

-It's OK. Just get in.

Hic! Hic!

- What's wrong? - Hic!

Have you got the antidote?

- Hic! - You drank it?

-Hic!

-THEY LAUGH

-ENGINE STARTS

-Let's get out of here!

-Agh!

-Hic!

BEEP-BEEP-BEEP!

Can't we just use one of the flagons?

No, the antidote has to pass into a proper magical container,

otherwise its healing powers will be lost. Now, we need to get Prince Dick

-to an apothecary.

-Ah... I just really need the toilet!

No!

Cross your legs.

-Look, let's take a shortcut through that rockery.

-Yeah.

-THUDDING

-Not over there, no.

THUDDING GETS LOUDER

-Toilet!

-Help!

-Toilet!

-Hold it in!

Keep everything crossed! THUDDING CONTINUES

What do you mean, you can't recalibrate the spark pins?

-We are but a simple brotherhood, who, er...

-Argh!

Agh! Agh!

Oof! Yah! Argh!

Uh-huh-huh-huh...

Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo...

Yah-hah-huh-hah!

Aah... I think I'm going to burst!

-Can I just let a little bit out?

-No!

-Where are we?

-No idea, the map blew away.

-Oh.

There's an apothecary. They are sure to have a suitable magic container.

-Right, quickly...

-Oh, wait, did you lock the car?

-Aah!

-Yes!

Well, good, good.

IN BROKEN FRENCH ACCENT: Yes...

Yes... LIQUID TRICKLES OUT

Right, we urgently require...

Wait...a moment.

Just...

let me finish pouring this yellow liquid...

very slowly... LIQUID SLOWLY TRICKLES OUT

..into this large container.

Stop that! Stop it!

We urgently require a Class-Five magical container

with an enchanted seal.

All right!

We don't have much in at the moment, but we have got...

-this.

-Oh!

Good gracious, it's exactly the same as our old vial!

It was a family heirloom of mine.

I expect it's very expensive?

Oh, no, we get these in all the time. Cheap mass-produced cack!

-It should be ideal for your purposes...

-Aah! Aah!

Oh, dear.

-Why does he want it so urgently?

-'Argh!'

-LIQUID TRICKLES

-Oh! Oh! Ah, yes...

Um, important business in Fyredor. Er, magical...curing,

that sort of thing. N-n-n-nothing important. Nothing...

-Er... Nothing...

-'Ah!'

-TRICKLING STOPS

-TRICKLING STARTS AGAIN

-Nothing except...

performing our...duties as princes! Yes, don't you know!

Er, did I mention...Fyredor?

-'Ah...'

-Fyredor...

-TRICKLING STOPS

-Yes. Oh...

-'Oof!'

-Super-duper!

-LOUD ZIPPING

Oh... Aah!

Sorry, couldn't find that, er, book I wanted. Shall we go?

-Yes.

-Did he just...?

-No, no, no. Not at all, no. No, no.

-No.

-No.

-No.

-No.

-Wait...a minute.

-Look...

-I definitely didn't pee in that vial, OK?

-Actually, it was not that.

Obviously, you peed into the vial, we all heard you. Tinkle-tinkle.

And it stinks!

It was not that. Er, one of you mentioned something about

getting back to Fyredor?

Um, yes.

Ah, it is 50 miles that way. You are almost 'ome.

-Oh!

-THEY CHEER

Wibbling weirdos!

THEY PANT

Oof!

-Look, Fyredor, 50 miles!

-Oh, yes!

THEY ALL CHEER

Wait, wait...

Ah!

Yeah!

It seemed that our heroes' quest was nearly at an end.

So close now to Fyredor, which so desperately needed them,

it looked like their luck had finally turned a corner.

Although sadly, their car had been nicked.

Oh... I thought you said you locked the car!

-Well, I did lock the car...

-You idiot!

-I did lock the car!

The antidote was safe and homeward bound once more,

even if it did smell a bit funny.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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