The Cabbage Ball Run The Legend of Dick and Dom

Many, many, many years ago,

a terrible plague was brought upon the citizens of Fyredor,

by the wicked Beast Master.

This dark disease had almost turned the whole kingdom into beasts.

Fortunately, an antidote had been made by the king's only two sons,

Princes Dick and Dom, their trusty mage Mannitol,

and light fingered servant, Lutin.

Unfortunately, they were still many miles away.

The Beast Master was determined to stop them from getting home.

With time running out, our heroes must get back to Fyredor

with the antidote before it's too late.

The Legend of Dick and Dom continues.

We join our brave team,

still managing to stay one step ahead of the Beast Master.

But they were not out of the woods yet.

Mind you, they were pretty big woods.

However hard they ran, they couldn't shake the villain off their tail.

Hang on, hang on!

Why are we running again?

-BEAST MASTER: Raaaagh!!!

-Oh, I remember!

Wait, wait, wait!

There's three weeks' stolen wages in there.

-We must hurry!

-I can't, my leg.

You go on without me.

All right!

Hey, hang on! Where do you think you're going?

Ooh-hoo! Ooh-hoo!

Let's lose ourselves in that dirty, smelly rabble.

My leg's fine now, by the way!

Thanks for asking. Argh!

No, no, come no further.

We have to carry on towards Fyredor.

No, the whole road's blocked, isn't it?

Today is the day of the big race. The Cabbage Ball Run.

The only people allowed that way are competitors.

Oh, that's us, yes.

Three places. One, two, three.

Ha! You lot? You want to enter?

You do realise it's 600 miles across the hardest,

most fierce terrain in the whole of Bottom World?

Walk in the park!

No, the walk in the park is next week.

I think what Prince Dick means is that we are tough adventurers.

I think we can cope with a little race.

Very well, sign the entry scroll.

Sign here and here.

And here.

Oh, and here.

Oh, and here.

You won't get away that easily!

Entering a race?

Oh, really!

I'll be one step ahead of you!

Ow! Thorns!

Ow, ow! Evil nature.

Very good.

Now, if you could give us all your worldly possessions.

-What?!

-That's the way the Cabbage Ball Run works.

It's all or nothing.

First to the ball-shaped cabbage wins everything.

Losers run crying home to their mums.

No, no...

No, please! No, no, no! No, not that!

Hurry up, young Victor! All of this needs to be carefully catalogued.

Oh, all vehicles to the start line by noon.

Oh, heavens. In escaping the Beast Master, we've lost the antidote.

It's a race!

We win, take the potion,

and we're a whole 600 miles away from the Beast Master.

What could possibly go wrong?

Er... What are we going to race in?

Oh.

Oh.

Welcome to the Cabbage Ball Run!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The guy I bought it off said it's got all the latest things -

four wings, runs on high performance jam like all the new ones,

-and it's got ABS!

-Oh!

-An Annoying Brown Stain.

-Oh!

-Best of all,

-it's not just got one, but two flagon holders.

-It's brilliant!

-Yes!

So, Road Hog, my hideous slavering friend,

people say you are the biggest cheat in Bottom World racing.

Yes, master. That's me.

Ah, there's something in that prize cabinet I want.

A vial of potion. You must win it for me, whatever it takes.

Ho, ho, ho.

Yes, master.

-I'm going to start her up.

-Er, no!

-You're not going to drive. I'm going to drive.

-Why?

Well, it's obvious, isn't it? Because, um... Because...

HE FARTS

Because of that.

I see. In that case...

HE FARTS LOUDLY

..have some of that.

That's not a reason!

This is the real reason!

HE FARTS EVEN LOUDER

Ah!

THEY EXCHANGE LOUD FARTS

HORN TOOTS

Morning, gents!

-Getting your race strategy fine-tuned?

-With the um...

What? I'm going to give it back.

Oi!

Right, let's welcome the competitors!

Firstly, Grandad.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Arghhh!

LAUGHING AND JEERING

Here are the items we talked about.

Just make sure those two princes and their servants are eliminated.

There'll be a year's supply of pork scratchings in it for you

-when you bring me that potion, yes?

-Yes! Yes, master.

Yes, master. It'll be a pleasure, master.

Don't touch me, you smell of pork.

Give me one of those coins. I've just had this dry-cleaned!

Thank you.

Yes. Go on, go!

And, the next contender is Sleepy Joe!

HE SNORES GENTLY

..Lutin!

APPLAUSE

..Lovely Lily Button.

CHEERING

GRUFF VOICE: Ta very much.

Princes Dick and Dom!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

SNAP AND HISSING

Mad Mannitol the Punisher!

LAUGHTER

-What's he going to be punishing?

-His rubber duck!

And finally, he's won the race for the last 17 years,

apart from that year when he was disqualified

for being very, very dirty indeed.

It's the Road Hog!

CHEERING

MOTOR ROARS

Ladies and gentlemen, start your engines!

I'm driving!

ENGINES REV

On your marks!

Three, two, one...

Go!

LOUD EXPLOSION

SHRIEKING

Oh, you!

So, the race had begun.

They started neck and neck,

but soon they were toes and toes,

eyeballs and eyeballs,

and eventually kneecaps and armpits.

Soon, only six competitors remained.

After hours of burning rubber, and with so much at stake,

our heroes Dick and Dom,

Mannitol and Lutin were...

last. Hmm.

HORN BLASTS

-Good day, officer.

-Oh, you think so, do you?

-Yes. I am in rather a hurry.

Yes, I could see that, young man,

by the way you came speeding down the road.

Like a dog with the runs, you were.

You must have somewhere urgent to get to.

-Yes. I just wish I could go faster.

-Faster?

Faster, do you?

Life is not a race, you know!

Actually, this is a race.

-Don't get smart with me, Cheetah Pants. Step out of the bath.

-What?

Move out, move out! One-two, one-two, one-two!

Stand here.

-Both hands on the sponge rack.

-This is a mistake.

-It is a race, really, and I must keep going.

-Shut up.

Charge number 603. Speeding in an unlicensed bathtub.

And... Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

While carrying...

a cucumber.

-Can I drive now?

-No!

-Can I push this then?

-No, don't touch anything! What about this?

Oh! Especially that!

Look, just navigate.

Oh, I think I've found a short cut.

Oh?

Oh, no, hold on. That's just cress.

GRUFF MAN'S VOICE: Get stuffed, you pair of spanners!

Stupid, stupid, stupid car!

That puts us in third place!

You see? I told you we could win this!

Ha ha ha!

Dick!

The brake, it's broken!

That's what the brake's supposed to do, right?

I can't stop!

I'll try the handbrake.

Oh, no, it's no good!

I think we're going to...

Arghhhh!!

CRASH!

Were Dick and Dom out of the race?

And could Lutin fix her sabotaged car and actually make a start?

Oh, that cheating Road Hog! Spiking my jam tank.

When I catch him I'm going to give him a right good bum whacking,

that stubby nosed bunch of knicker elastic!

ENGINE STARTS

Oh, I'm a genius!

So, with Lily Button now out,

Sleepy Joe in first,

the Road Hog now in second,

Princes Dick and Dom now in trouble...

Full race statistics in one minute. First, a few words from our sponsor.

Eat this pie, right?

It's a good job we've got twin hare-bags.

I told you I should drive.

Yeah, but it wasn't actually my fault.

Oh.

We've been nobbled.

SNIGGERING: Funny word, "nobbled".

Nobbled. Nobbled. Come on, give me a hand.

You idiots! You stupid bumbling fools.

Look what you've done to my house. It's ruined. Oh!

I can't believe it, I'm outside!

Well done.

I'm a hermit.

I hate being outside. I hate everything. I hate people.

I hate tittle-tattle. I hate lemons.

I hate everyone.

Oh, hello, Sid, long time no see.

Oh, push off! I hate you.

-I've never met a hermit before.

-No.

Why would you?

We're hermits, you wouldn't see us. We like to live alone.

Mmm, wonder why!

Being alone is the best thing ever. Apart from biscuits.

You've ruined it. Now I want to know what you're going to do about it.

Yeah, um...

Well, I'm very sorry we trashed your house,

I promise we'll come back and pay for it,

but we've spent all our gold on this thing.

And we're a bit busy right now, so we'll see you around. Toodle-oo.

Oh, no, you won't.

-Of course not, because you're a hermit.

-No. Ha-ha-ha!

Because I've got your key.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Driving whilst under the influence of...salt and vinegar crisps.

That's hardly a crime!

Being a little bit more ginger than what I is.

It's so not fair!

-Moaning without due care and attention.

-What?!

And not rinsing the bath out after using it.

Right then, it should only take me a few more hours

to finish this paperwork.

A few hours? But the race!

Actually, officer, before we carry on...

Can you smell burning?

HE SNIFFS

I'm sure I can smell burning.

Almost as if someone had magically started a large fire.

M&S, Brucie and Tess, JLS, pixel!

Come back here! Come back, I say!

Mannitol was back on the move.

But his fire/wind spell had sent the trooper into a spin.

Meanwhile, Lutin had taken a sneaky shortcut to get

ahead of the Road Hog.

But all she could think of was revenge.

Afternoon, squire.

Lovely day for a drive.

I don't have time for small talk, boy.

Just fill her up with premium grape jam, and make it snappy.

-Seeded or unseeded?

-Seeded, obviously.

Unseeded would ruin my engine. Do I look like an idiot?

-Oh, no, no, no. You look like a kebab head.

-What?

Certainly, sir. One full tank of seeded coming right up.

Seeded.

Stop right there.

There's something strange about you, boy.

Yeah, coming from you, that worries me.

The servant!

You thought you could outcheat the Road Hog?

I think I just have. Take this!

Oh!

I think that means you're toast. Get it? Jam, toast? Ha!

See what I did?

Come on. Stop! No! Stop laughing. Come here, you.

Look, please!

OK, if you give us the key, we promise to come back tomorrow

and build you a secret house that's so secret even you won't be able

to find it.

No. I'll have to trust you, and I hate trusting people.

-Of course you do. Come with us.

-What?

-What?

-Come with us.

-I hate...

You hate everything. I bet you hate the sky.

-I can't flaming stand it.

-Come with us, you'll have some fun,

-and we might get you some new threads.

-Have you lost your mind?

Just come with us for one day

and you'll know the meaning of having fun.

All right, I'll give it a go.

But just for one day, understood?

So, this fun, what are we going to do first?

How about we push this until we get it fixed?

Fun, fun, fun!

THEY SQUEAK

Fun!

-Madam, are you all right? Do you need help?

-You're late.

-I'm sorry.

So you should be. I've been waiting for over an hour for you.

I said to Tom I shouldn't take a taxi but he wouldn't listen.

It would be easier, he said. Easier?

I should have ridden on the back of a retired reindeer.

-No, no, no. You are mistaken. I'm not a taxi.

-Of course you are.

Now, I've got a lot of errands to do today

so we'll start at the store and then on to the dentist.

-Don't just sit there.

-But I am a...

-Going to get a move on? Good.

You are a chatterbox.

A bit more of this and a bit less of this and you might get some of this.

Now mush, mush!

Hope of winning back the potion was fading as Mannitol

was once again delayed.

About the same time, Sleepy Joe nodded off the road

and woke up in a tree.

With Dick and Dom needing to fix their leak, it looked

like only Lutin could defeat the Road Hog and save their bacon.

This is great. I had more fun when somebody drove into my house.

Great idea, Dick. Let's bring the grumpy old hermit.

He'll be a real help.

Fun lesson number one - Dom falling over.

Ouch!

-Fun lesson number two - second time, it's even funnier.

-What?

Stop that!

-I'm still not convinced.

-You should see it the tenth time.

Let's have a rest for a second, shall we?

Maybe we need to push faster.

If Mannitol and Lutin don't win the race,

we're the only hope of getting the antidote back.

We need to patch things up, get some more jam and get back in the race.

-Yeah.

-And have fun.

Hold on, he's shrinking.

-No, you twonk, it's moving!

-That's right, boys, take her away.

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. Did you not read the signs?

No parking here on a Thursday when it's cloudy.

-But where are they taking it?

-To be crushed to the size of a grape.

No. There must be something else we can do.

Well, we could crush her to the size of a sprout.

Which is bigger - grape or sprout?

No, stop!

-Is this fun lesson number three?

-Shut it!

This little piggy went to market,

this little piggy went to the finishing line.

And that little piggy went all the way into a deep, yucky bog.

Ha ha ha!

-Right. Next stop, Auntie Jane's.

-No.

Now, Auntie Jane hates walnuts.

If you won't listen I'm going to have to perform a spell to

close your mouth and make you stop talking.

Maryland, Iceland, Lapland, La Roux!

Yes, well, at least it stopped you talking. Now, you listen to me.

I am in a race and you and me are going to finish it, OK?

So we're not going to Auntie Jane's then?

Piggy, all the way home! Ha-ha! Eh?

I...already...

swapped...the signs...stupid.

Argh!

CRASH AND GURGLING

With Lutin down-and-out in the smelly bog, only Mannitol

and the Princes could win the race and reclaim the potion.

But time was running out as Dick

and Dom tried to retrieve their vehicle from the car pound.

There's still a hole in the fuel tank.

-We need something to plug it up.

-Wait.

I've got something firm, sticky and soggy.

My fig roll!

-Genius. Let's get going.

-Hang on, I've got an idea.

This vehicle doesn't just run on jam, right?

I think we can soup it up.

Do it!

Wait! Wait! Where are you going? Come back here!

You're going to pay for it, you know!

He's gaining on us.

Wait till the soup kicks in!

GURGLE AND BLAST

-Is it far?

-No.

-Good.

It's really far. Ha ha ha!

We made it.

-Thanks for all your help back there.

-I hate thank-yous.

And now I think you should get out here.

-We can't just leave him here, Dom.

-What? We need to win the race.

We need to beat the Road Hog. And things could get pretty hairy.

Look, I've not had as much fun

since I slammed the front door in the postman's face.

I like you two. I want to stick this out to the end. Friends?

OK.

-OK, let's go!

-Can I drive?

-OK, fine.

OK. Just don't forget the Highway Code...

Dick and Dom were speeding back into the race,

but was it too little too late?

-With Lutin's car destroyed...

-Grease, mud, bog, swamp!

..And Mannitol's dash more of a waddle...

Pump that, pump that, pump that!

..The Road Hog was still the odds-on favourite.

There's the Road Hog. We're too late.

-Floor it!

-Right.

SMASH AND CLATTER

Oh, good, that's made us a bit lighter.

Now step on the soup.

BLAST!

We're in the lead!

-No one's driving.

-Ahhh!

ENGINE REVS LOUDLY

CRASH!

SPLUTTERING

Mannitol!

CHEERING

Watch out, Mannitol! He's behind you!

-Ha-ha!

-Ooh! Ah, ah...

-Go on!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Yes, well, Mr Mannitol,

you are officially the slowest ever winner of the Cabbage Ball Run.

But you did win, nonetheless, your trophy and your prize.

Thank you, thank you.

The thing is, this gold, these jewels, they don't really matter.

LUTIN COUGHS

It's all right, Lutin, you can have them.

What I'm trying to say is, there's only one thing that truly

drives us onwards - the antidote for the brave people of Fyredor.

Yes!

-You did everything great.

-I can't take all the credit, but thank you.

I suggest we get a well deserved night's sleep.

And tomorrow we can recommence our journey before the Beast Master

catches up and gets hold of the...

Hermit, what are you doing?

Hermit? Hermit?!

I can't believe you fell for any of that claptrap.

It was all a lie?

I still like biscuits, but princes,

now it is time to say goodbye to the last hope for Fyredor.

All will be beasts! All hail the Beast Master! Ha ha!

Get him!

-Go, go, go!

-It won't work!

Oh...We've been clamped.

I think you lot had better come with me.

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