The Numbskulls of the Beast The Legend of Dick and Dom

-Many, many,

-many

-years ago, a terrible plague was brought

upon the citizens of Fyredor by the wicked Beastmaster.

This dark disease had almost turned the whole kingdom into beasts.

Fortunately, an antidote had been made by the King's only two sons,

Princes Dick and Dom, their trusty mage, Mannitol,

and light-fingered servant, Lutin.

Unfortunately, they were still many miles away,

with the Beastmaster determined to stop them from getting home.

With time running out, our heroes must get back to Fyredor

with the antidote before it's too late!

The Legend of Dick and Dom continues.

What evil lurks in the mind of the Beastmaster?

What twisted experiences have shaped

the character of the foulest villain in the whole of Bottomworld?

Perhaps it's better not to know. But our heroes have no choice.

For in ten seconds they will enter his warped brain.

OK, stand close.

Oh, you pathetic fools. There's no way you'll ever discover

what's goes on inside the mind of an evil genius!

Schwama, Rumbelow, Telethon!

So, how did we arrive at this point?

Well, the answer lies at around eight o'clock this morning.

TAPE PLAYS BACKWARDS

HE BURPS

Ooh, manners.

So, been celebrating, have we?

It seems our sorry band of misfits think they've nearly completed

the quest. We'll soon see about that.

I summon the power of...ants!

Yeah.

Charge!

That's it, men. To victory!

Let battle commence!

Take no prisoner...

Oh, shall I just go on ahead and get this thing started?

Look at them.

Ah, bless.

Now, at last, I have them.

Well, I never.

The antidote is mine! Fyredor is doomed!

No!

-What?

-It's gone!

The vial is gone.

Look, we've got to find it.

Go, go, go! Run! Chase!

Right...left...fire! Go!

From Smellington Bog to Spewcastle-upon-Chuff,

the gang chased the Beastmaster across Bottom World.

They finally captured him

in the most spectacular battle sequence of all time.

Oh, you wouldn't believe it!

A thousand fire-breathing dragons

led by Mannitol and Lutin,

Dick and Dom riding a pack of giant karate-trained crabs,

all attacking a floating fortified volcanic citadel

guarded by meteor-wielding Gorgons.

Amazing! Breathtaking!

Oh, what a shame we don't have time to see it.

Now look 'ere, you!

I've had just about enough of this.

You're going to tell us where you put the vial

and you're going to tell us now!

Or what?

Or...

Or...I'm going to keep pointing at you like this.

-And like this.

-And if this helps...

HE LAUGHS EVILLY

Bumcakes.

There is another way we can do it.

-No!

-But this spell is guaranteed to work.

It'll take us right into his brain.

We're not doing any more of your stupid spells!

You're not.

-But what's to stop me, eh?

-Ah!

OK, stand close.

Oh, you pathetic fools. There's no way you'll ever discover what goes on

inside the mind of an evil genius!

Schwama, Rumbelow, Telethon!

THEY WARBLE

Our heroes were transported into the darkest recesses

of the Beastmaster's mind.

Wa-a-a-a... >

Oof!

I've got a bad feeling about this.

What do you mean?

It'll be all right.

We could have a lovely picnic or something. Make a day of it.

CRASH!

You know what? I'm not that hungry.

Yeah, maybe we should get out of here.

-But we don't know what we're looking for.

-Clues.

Anything around you could hold the key to the stolen vial's location.

This...sand, for instance...

tells us absolutely nothing.

Very poor example.

CRASH!

-That fish just moved.

-You sure?

-Do you want to stick around and find out?

-No!

-No.

CRASH!

Go, go.

< Atchoo!

Oh, bum!

Run!

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-You get used to one schedule, then they change it on you.

-Do you want the rest of that fish?

-Nah, you can have it if you like.

Looks like we've got intruders!

Let's go.

Well, if I had a penny for every time that's happened...

Maps, guidebooks, souvenirs. >

All right? We do T-shirts, you know.

Embroidered jackets, tea towels.

-Quality, quality, but I have to order them in.

-Where are we exactly?

You're in the Valley of Shame, my love.

All them creatures out there, are everything that the Beastmaster's

failed to turn himself into. Everything that he is ashamed of.

This is where he tries to forget it.

Hide it away, like. 'Ere y'are...

these maps'll help. Oh, actually, it's your lucky day.

I'm doing three for two.

You've got your memory area, your problem-solving region,

trivia, emotion. Ooh! Fortress of Secrets. That's popular.

So, we need to get to his memories over here.

That's where his memory will be of stealing the antidote.

If we find that, we'll know where the vial's hidden.

Ooh, you're nowhere near it, treacle.

Still, the Brain Train's here in two minutes. Over there.

So you'll all be needing travelcards.

Which gives you two minutes to look at these lovely rocks.

'Ere y'are, you'll like this.

"Let me give you a piece of my mind", signed, the Beastmaster.

Take one home for the kids.

All right, all right. Enough already.

OK. Steady on, Gary.

This lot are easily upset. Let's all take a step back, shall we, people?

There's nothing to see here.

STATUES CRASH

All right?

Mind Police. I'm Officer Rawls, this is Officer Burrell.

We're tracking some intruders...

Seen anyone ordinary come through here recently?

Depends on what you mean by ordinary.

Well, anyone that's not a bizarre animal hybrid. That kind of ordinary.

I see a lot of people.

Suppose you tell us about them.

Well, I suppose you buy one of these souvenir-ettes, eh?

Refresh my memory, eh?

Apparently this whole side of the brain is the emotional chasm.

Yes, we're travelling over anger at the moment.

That's sadness, there's fear,

and that tiny little hill over there is happiness.

FIGHTER JET SOUNDS

We have an eyeball on the intruders.

Requesting back-up.

-THROUGH MEGAPHONE:

-Attention. This is Officer Burrell of the Mind Police.

Stay where you are. Have your papers ready for inspection.

-Uh-oh.

-What are we going to do?

-We get off, don't we?

-What do you mean, get off?

-Prince Dom, don't!

Ow!

Quick! This way!

- Hello, sir. - Quick, the other way!

Good evening.

-Ah...

-Having a little outing, I see?

-A little "trip".

-Just a little excursion, officer.

We're after one tiny Beastmaster memory, and then we'll be off.

Well, I'm afraid your little cranium ramble ends right here, Grandad.

How would you like someone traipsing around your brain, huh?

-Touching stuff.

-You know what that feels like?

It's like a million ice-cream headaches.

OK, Gary. Let's get this train started.

And you four...

What are you doing in there?

Wargh!

CAR RUMBLES

What was that?

Look, you don't understand. This brain is evil.

Your boss is trying to destroy everything in the real world.

Listen, I just do my job.

And eat mackerel. That's it.

I don't like the sound of that.

-Get the map!

-Now, look what you've done.

SCREAMS ECHO

I don't think my day could get any stranger.

I take that back.

Ah, look at them!

Right. It says this is the anger region.

This is where all his temper, his rage and his fury is stored.

But that can't be right.

-Give me that.

-Ah... Lovely, cuddly, wuddly teddy bears.

-They're so cute.

-Well, I think we should go this way.

-Based on what?

-It just feels right.

The map says it's this way.

But you don't know where you are!

Yeah, yeah, but you don't know anything!

All right! All right!

Calm down. Compromise.

We're going to go this way, OK? If it's wrong we'll just turn back.

Honestly, Mannitol, what's gotten into you?

You're like a bear with a sore head.

I think this is the anger area.

Aaarrggghhh!!!!

Arrgh! Arrrgghh!

MUSIC: "Teddy Bears Picnic"

BEAR'S GROWLS ECHO

HE SNARLS

MANNITOL WEEPS This is the sadness area.

It's where he keeps all his melancholy thoughts.

VIOLIN WEEPS

What's wrong with him?

It's the music.

It gets me right here.

HE SOBS

THEY SOB

Do you...think we lost them bears?

I think so. I can't hear them.

THEY SCREAM

It's all so sad!

-I can't see a thing!

-It's the darkest part of the brain -

the fear region. Everything that scares the Beastmaster hides in here.

Well, it looks pretty empty to me.

BEAR GROWLS

The Teddy Bears are coming!

BEARS GROWL

Ah! Oh-oh!

Gah!

Oh! Ah!

Agh! Oh!

Oh!

Oh... Agh! Ah!

Ooh! Oh, oh!

Oh...I think we've lost them! Yeah, they've gone.

This is where the Beastmaster's memories are.

Those little moments indelibly imprinted in his mind.

This is the moment he captured us.

BEASTMASTER: 'I wonder if you'll ever be returning to Fyredor.'

And this is when he contaminated Fyredor's water supply with plague.

BEASTMASTER LAUGHS

Here. Look at this one.

BEASTMASTER PLAYS PIPE Ah. This one is very old.

-Is that him?

-Eh? It can't be.

It is, you know. That's the Beastmaster as a young boy.

'Oh, nature! How I love it!

'Whoa!'

-How does he get out?

-He doesn't.

Well, not for a very long time.

Apparently, he was raised by a horse.

-Raised by a horse?

-In a well?

It's what turned him funny, although I'm not sure how much truth

there is in that.

BEASTMASTER LAUGHS

This is it!

Look!

MANNITOL BURPS 'Ooh...manners!'

-Ah, sorry about that.

-Look, look.

'Look at them. Ah, bless.

'Now, at last, I have them!

'Oh...

'Well, I never!'

HE LAUGHS

Huh? What's he...?

What's he laughing at?

-Oh, no!

-What?

-My life is over!

-What?

He knows my middle name!

So what? Everyone knows your middle name...

No! That's between you and me.

-What is it? Let me have a look.

-No!

-It can't be that bad.

-Get off, Lutin!

This is serious! The Beastmaster cannot know my middle name.

'The antidote is mine!'

We have to erase his memory at once!

-Come on!

-What are you talking about?

-We're here to get the vial back.

-Middle name!

-Vial!

-Middle name!

-Vial!

-Middle name!

-Vial!

Ah, ah, ah! Look, he's getting away.

Ah, so that's where he hides it.

-Of course!

-So obvious.

So all we need to do is find this place in the real world,

get the vial and we're done.

Exactly. And I'll be the one that looks after it from now on.

All right, Dom?

Dom?!

You think you're so clever, don't you? Rooting around inside my head.

Well, I'm about to make things a whole lot more confusing.

-Prince Dom?

-Dom?

Are you here?

Look, we can come back for him.

You can't just leave someone inside a brain!

-He knows the spell.

-You're his brother!

It'll be fine, Lutin, we've just got to try and get the vial.

Say the words.

Are you ready?

I don't believe this.

Schwama, Rumbelow, Telethon!

BEASTMASTER LAUGHS

Meanwhile, obsessed with erasing the knowledge about his embarrassing

middle name, Prince Dom had found his way to the master control room

in the Beastmaster's brain.

HE LAUGHS

Ha-ha... Ow!

Ow!

This can't be the right place.

Morning!

Oh, morning!

I wonder if you could help me.

I'm looking for the Fortress of Secrets.

It's right here.

Yeah, I'm just delivering a whole load of new secrets as it goes.

We tend to lock them away in here once a fortnight.

-You got a code?

-Hm, what?

Oh, don't worry, you can use mine.

Er, what was it again? Oh, yeah.

1...2...

3...

4.

Clever, innit?

It looks a bit tough to get into, doesn't it?

Well, what do you expect? It's the Fortress of Secrets.

This place is insane. You got a lava-filled moat, hidden trap doors,

them geezers, trained marksmen with them crossbow things,

yeah, boulders, and inside,

three security dragons.

So you have to go through all that?

No, I just go round the back.

Here! It's over here!

-Ladies first.

-Oh...

See, a lot of these, I don't consider to be secrets, myself.

The recipe for toad-in-the-hole.

I mean, everybody knows that!

Middle name... Middle names! M, M...

Ah, see, there's a proper one.

"Plan to thwart Prince Dick and Dom's attempts

"to get the vial of antidote back."

Hang on! What was that one?

"Get to the well before they get out of my brain.

"Take the vial, then trap them inside when they climb down."

Ooh, that's a juicy one.

-I've got to get out.

-What?

I've got to get out before they break into that well.

-All right, calm down.

-No, which way's out? I need to get out!

< No! Not that door. It's got an intruder alarm!

ALARM BLARES

TANNOY: Intruder! Intruder! Intruder!

I've been looking forward to this fish all day.

-ALARM BLARES

-Yeah... Oh, you're kidding me!

Here we go again, Gary.

-The vial's not here!

-Now what?

< Let's not give up hope,

just yet.

-Oh?!

-Well, all right...

Let's give up hope.

HE LAUGHS EVILLY

This is the mind police, stay exactly where you are!

Telethon, Schwama...

..Bumfluff!

Shellfish, Cumquat, Biryani!

Ooh! Oh, what is it?

Well, it all looks pretty desperate, doesn't it?

As far as I can see, our gang have had it.

Bye-bye! Bye-bye!

The Beastmaster has won and the quest has failed.

The people of Fyredor will all soon be animals!

I suppose the only thing to say is goodbye.

Hey!

-But wait...

-Oh?

-What's this?

-Ooh!

Oh!

What?

Steady!

Get...out!

PUNCH LANDS

You...will...never...win!

We'll see about that!

Agh!

No! No!

Argh! No!

No!

No!

-DOM'S VOICE ECHOES:

-'Looking for something?'

Hang on.

Is that...Dom?

'You better believe it!'

'Stand back!'

I'm coming to the rescue!

And so, the vial was safe, the gang was rescued

and Dom had great fun controlling the Beastmaster for the afternoon.

VARIETY OF FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS

Schwama, Rumbelow, Telethon!

Our heroes were one step closer to home, while the Beastmaster

and everyone in his head were left very confused.

Who on earth is...Hilary?

I don't know, Gary. You can write this one up.

I wouldn't know where to start.

HE SNORES

Subtitles by Red Bee Media

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