The Loopy Tribe The Legend of Dick and Dom

Many, many, many years ago, a terrible plague was brought

upon the citizens of Fyredor by the wicked Beastmaster.

This dark disease had almost turned the whole kingdom into beasts.

Fortunately, an antidote had been made by the king's only two sons,

Princes Dick and Dom, their trusty mage Mannitol and light fingered servant, Lutin.

Unfortunately, they were still many miles away,

with the Beastmaster determined to stop them from getting home.

With time running out, our heroes must get back to Fyredor with the antidote before it's too late.

The Legend of Dick and Dom continues.

The homeward path of our bold heroes has led them to the very heart of the Forest of Insanitary. Eurgh.

That doesn't sound very nice at all. Oh, sorry, hang on.

The Forest of Insanity.

Not that that sounds much nicer.

-I don't like this place.

-Nobody likes this place.

We're not on a picnic, you know.

We're on the run from an insane Beastmaster, who wants to destroy our hard won potion.

We have to go through places he's not likely to look for us.

I feel there's a million pairs of eyes watching my every move.

-Anywhere, a monster could just reach out his hand and put on my...

-Agh!

-What is it?

-I just remembered the big spot on the end of my nose.

-Is that all?

-What do you mean "is that all?"

-Look at the state of me.

-Yes, and it's been on your nose for days. I thought you'd be used to it by now.

It's just growing bigger and bigger.

I think it's an improvement.

It takes the eye away from your big bulbous nose and your violent streak.

-I am not a violent person!

-Yeah, but you have quite a big nose.

Stop it, you two. Deep in the Forest of Insanity is neither the time nor the place for silly games.

We have to keep moving. If we stay here any longer, we'll end up as loopy as the loopy tribe.

-Who are the loopy tribe?

-They're the only people loopy enough to live here.

Legend has it, they're rarely seen and they worship a god, ooh, called the Daft One.

They eat nothing but jelly, wobble their bellies and make music with wellies.

My kind of people.

Did anyone else just see that?

-See what?

-That little duck in the bushes over there.

Let's get out of here.

-But there it is again.

-Yeah, I saw it too.

-What's going on, Mannitol?

-I have no idea.

-Um, I think we need to get out of here.

-What the...

The fortune teller was right.

-Who'd have thought?

-This is it, Dick.

-Death by plunger.

Mannitol, are you there?

-(MUMBLES) Yes.

-Pardon?

-Yes.

-What?

-Oh, for heaven's sake.

-Yes!

-All right, no need to shout.

-Here, let me help.

-No, get off. Don't you pull that.

-Don't mention it.

-I didn't.

-Anyway, where are we?

-Ah.

I believe we have been caught by the loopy tribe.

-Oh, I don't believe it.

-Why, what's happened?

-Spot. It's still there.

-Is that it?

What do you mean "is that it?"

You'd have thought having a plunger fired in your face would get rid of

-it, but oh, no, not for Lutin and her super spot.

-Hang on a minute.

Something's not quite right.

Ah, I haven't felt annoyed for at least two minutes!

-Dick!

-Oh, no. They've captured him.

The loopy swines.

Something needs to be done. Oh, I've got to get out of here.

Good idea. Then we can find Dick and rescue him.

See what you can do, Lutin.

Excuse me there, sir.

-Are you in charge of this so-called cage?

-Yes, yes.

-Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

-What's the matter then?

Are you aware of the thoughts inerrant in this here cage?

-Thoughts? No.

-Take a look from this side.

-See?

-I didn't see a thing.

-No helping some people.

-Lutin.

-Huh?

-What about us?

-What about you?

-I thought you were going to get us out of here.

Er, whatever gave you that idea?

-You said you wanted to get out of the cage.

-And I did.

-To rescue Dick?

No, to get rid of this spot. It is not going to cure itself, is it?

Lutin. Lutin, Lutin!

Some guard you turned out to be.

I'm on work experience.

What are we going to do now? Poor Dick.

They could be doing anything to him.

Listen. SCREAMING

That's Dick. I'd recognise that pitiful wailing anywhere.

Dick, what are they doing to you?!

Ah. I don't think we need to worry about him.

Why?

Isn't this brilliant?

What's going on?

I think they think I'm some kind of a god or something.

They keep calling me the Daft One. Look.

Oh, Dickie, Dickie.

Oh, Dickie, Dickie.

Oh, Dickie, Dickie...

Oh, Dickie, Dickie.

Oh, Dickie, Dickie. Oh, Dickie, Dickie.

It's finally happened.

We've arrived...

in hell.

Stop.

I can't take any more.

-What are you doing?

-The traditional welcoming dance of the loopy tribe.

It's brilliant, but who are you?

I'm Dribbly Ken, leader of the Loopies and your loyal servant, oh, Daft One.

Hold on, did you say you're my loyal servant?

Of course. You are the Daft One, aren't you?

Well, yeah, everyone else seems to think so.

Then the prophecy was true.

The Daft One shall travel afar with three companions fair.

One pompous, one spotty and one with no hair.

I wouldn't say you were that pompous.

And thus the prophecy is fulfilled.

Begin the 100 days of insanity.

This is my kind of town.

Now, how can I serve you, oh, Daft One?

-I've embraced the daft side and your wish is my command.

-Really?

Well, let's see what we can do.

Why don't you shove your finger in his ear?

-Ah, this is going to be fun.

-Minion.

Not now. Assemble the tribe.

Do you embrace the daft side?

The daft side, we embrace.

Salute your leader.

-Do you have a proclamation for us, oh, Daft One?

-A proclamation?

Surely you wish to address your loyal followers?

Oh, yes. Hello, loyal followers.

Hello, Daft One.

I stand before you today to bring you my proclamation.

Yes, on this day forth

every, what day is it today?

-Thursday.

-Yeah.

Every Thursday will be hopping day.

Very well, oh, Daft One.

Repeat after me: Dick is ace.

-Dick is ace.

-Dom has an ugly face.

-Dom has an ugly face.

-Now stop that.

When you've got your own tribe, you can tell me what to do, but until then...

Thank you, tribe. Tribe dismissed.

Would you like a tour of your kingdom, oh, Daft One?

-Oh, yeah, that would be brilliant.

-On foot or on the back of a pig?

Assemble the pig.

-Yes. Oh, this is my kind of tank. Ken, I like you.

-Honoured, sir.

Giddy-up, piggy.

Squeal like a pig.

Hello.

Anybody home?

Ooh.

Hello, deary.

-Are you the wise woman?

-What do you think?

I think it's doubtful.

Come and sit down.

Thanks. So you are the wise woman?

-Well, more of a relatively wise woman.

-Relatively?

It's all relative round here.

This is the loopy tribe, lovey.

I wouldn't have to be very wise to be wiser than that lot.

-So how did you get the job?

-Oh, it's a long story.

One day it was raining really heavily so I went inside...

-Yes?

-Well, that's it.

I went inside and they upped and made me the wise woman on the spot.

Before that, everyone had just got wet.

So what seems to be the problem?

-Oh, relatively wise woman...

-Call me Maggie.

-Maggie.

-My name's Hilda.

-Hilda?

-Yes?

-Well, it's this.

Brilliant.

Some wise woman!

-Relatively wise woman.

-Yeah, you're not wrong.

Look, can you tell me, do you know anything that's good for spots?

Oh why didn't you say, my turtle dove?

Hilda knows what's good for spots.

You need slimy face worms.

-Got any?

-No. They are no good unless they are fresh.

You need to go down to the forest and find some worms yourself.

Follow the muddy path down to the algae pond and then lure them out.

Lure? And how would I do that, with a worm luring pipe?

That's right! Have you ever thought of being a wise woman?

You can borrow mine.

And when you have caught them, tickle them there. They love it!

Then rub them all over your face, the more the merrier.

I'll try anything once.

Just look at him.

Jealous?

-Like you wouldn't believe.

-Isn't this brilliant?

-Not exactly the word I'd use.

-Your parsnip and pineapple punch, sir.

-Perfect. Thank you, Ken.

-Don't mention it. Minion!

-You've taken your time getting here.

-What do you mean?

Well, whilst you have been riding around on a pig in a village, we've been stuck in a cage.

I got here as fast as I could. Those trifles don't throw themselves.

Well, are you going to let us out?

-You give me the salute and I'll give the order.

-What?

Give me the salute and I'll let you out. You know?

No, no, no. I'm not saluting you.

I think perhaps we should.

-No, no, no. I'm the eldest and I am not saluting my younger brother.

-Treason!

-Despicable treason!

-Oh, look, you've made them angry.

You best give me the salute, Dom, and then I can smooth things over.

Embrace your daft side.

-Embrace the daft side!

-Never!

I think perhaps you should reconsider, Prince Dom.

He is a god to these people and not to honour him is a grave insult.

Never! This is stupid and anyone that thinks that he is a god is even more stupid than he is.

Heresy! Treason!

You best give me the salute, Dom, or I think we're going to drown.

Well, I will never embrace my daft side.

Go on, just give us a little cuddle.

No. Never. Not ever.

Not under any circumstances!

Actually, I rather enjoyed that.

So now you embrace the daft side?

Yeah, why not?

-Never!

-Right, I have no choice, bring out the warm cream.

Wait, wait! OK. You won. We'll join.

Fantastic. Bring out the warm cream.

No, hang on a minute! We said we'd join.

We're ready to embrace the...

-The daft side.

-It doesn't matter.

There will always be cream, Dom, and, after all, you've now got to go through the initiation ceremony.

Oh, no!

While Prince Dom and Mannitol faced up to the perils of the initiation

ceremony, Lutin arrived at the pond and prepared to blow her pipe.

Right, well, here's my pipe.

Here's my pond.

Now, all I need are the worms.

I wonder what sort of music worms like?

SHE BLOWS HORN

Well, that seems to have done the trick.

Prepare to be tickled!

Oh!

Oh, it's burst! You've got to be kidding me!

Oh, well, here goes nothing.

Thank goodness the boys are safely locked up back at the loopy tribe.

This is going to be gross.

So, your little friends have been locked up by the loopy tribe then, have they?

Excellent.

Then they will be in no position to defend themselves or their potion when I attack.

Now choose a suitably terrifying beast to take the powers of.

A lion? No, too obvious.

A grizzly bear? Too easy.

Urgh. Oh, well, the more the merrier, as the wise woman said.

Ooh! Oh, yes.

Yeah, that's definitely working.

Oh, it's all tingly.

Now to wash it off.

A golden eagle? Too flappy.

Yes, the very thing, the most terrifying of all woodland creatures, the badger!

Yes. That will show them what kind of a man they're dealing with.

Ow. Ouch.

Soggy foot. I got soggy.

Never mind, never mind.

Oh, brilliant, back to my beautiful self.

Once again, I have the skin of a teenage girl. Aaaargh!

Aaaargh! Oh, I'm going to kill that wise woman!

And what does this ceremony entail?

Bring on the buckets.

This is so embarrassing.

Bring on the jammy sticks!

Wait, wait. Bring on the what now?

Let the jammy dual commence!

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I'm not going to do...

Yes, yes, that's it! I'm not going to do it!

I'm not doing it!

I think you should reconsider.

Every second your brother keeps us held captive here the Beastmaster gets closer.

I urge you, Prince Dom, in the name of honour, valour and your father the King.

Hit me

with your jammy stick.

MUSIC: "Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick" by Ian Dury and the Blockheads

# Hit me

# Hit me

# Hit me

# Hit me, hit me, hit me

# Hit me

# Hit me... #

Stop!

That was fantastic. It is great to see you two have so much fun for a change.

Oh, yes, if only you knew how much fun I was having!

-Is that it?

-And now you must take the ceremonial pledge.

Dribbly Ken, the ceremonial scroll, please.

Repeat after me.

"I insert name here..."

I, Dom.

That is not what I said. Get it right, Dom.

I...

Insert name here.

Very good. "Do pledge to honour the ways of the loopy tribe."

Do pledge to honour the ways of the loopy tribe.

"To hop on a Thursday, to waggle on a Wednesday

"and to kick myself up the bum every morning before breakfast."

To hop on a Thursday, to waggle on a Wednesday, and what?!

It's the pledge, Dom!

OK. Anything to get this over and done with.

And promise to kick myself up the bum

every morning before breakfast.

And do you agree too, Mannitol?

Yes, yes, I agree to kick myself up the bum too.

-Ow!

-Don't be ridiculous, I don't want you to do that. I want you to kick Dom up the bum.

-What?!

-That's the rules, Dom.

Everybody in the tribe has to kick you up the bum before breakfast. I can't do anything about that, can I?

-What?!

-And now Ken will welcome you into the tribe with a ceremonial kiss upon the cheeks.

-Oh!

-Oh.

-Master, we're under attack.

-Who is it?

-It is a man with the head of a badger.

-Tell him we don't want any.

It's him! Run!

THEY SCREAM

Hilda! Hilda!

Get your relatively wise backside out here!

Hello, deary. Back so soon?

Anything the matter?

Anything...

-Anything the matter?!

-Ooh. Sounds like there is something nasty going on out there.

Oh, there is going to be something nasty going on in here in a minute.

-What's wrong?

-What's wrong?!

Look at my face, you daft old woman!

Yes, lovely and spotty! What's the problem?

You said that slimy face worms were good for spots.

They are. You went out with one and came back with hundreds.

-You can't get better than that.

-I didn't mean good for causing spots.

I meant good for getting rid of spots.

Why would I want a face full of spots?

I did wonder.

And what, may I ask, would you recommend for getting rid of spots?

Fresh air, plenty of exercise and...

Well, you could try washing once in a while.

So, Princes Dick and Dom, we meet again.

No, no, no, I'm a god now.

Silence! Nobody outwits the Beastmaster, all right?

I mean to destroy that potion, that cure of yours,

and you cannot stop me, for I have taken on the powers

of a most fearsome foe, the mighty badger!

Um... oh.

That's actually not very scary.

Oh, really?

The badger has very many unique properties - shiny claws, a stripy

face and, most important of all, powerful underarm muscles.

What's he going to do, pump out a tune?

This doesn't sound very dangerous.

On their own, no, no, no.

But when combined with the power of the needle of the hedgehog,

-they are lethal! Behold!

-No! Hedgehog!

What are we going to do now?

The Daft One will save us.

That's it, the Daft One...

-Hang on a minute, that's me.

-Wait.

You are going to put your faith in him?

Of course. Embrace the daft side and nothing can harm us.

You want me to go out there on my own?

Come out or I'm coming in!

Be brave, oh, Daft One.

I can't believe you want me to go out there unarmed.

I wouldn't dream of it. You must have the most powerful weapon known to the tribe. You must take...

Fulhamer.

All right, then. I'll give it a go.

For the quest!

-On second thoughts! Oh, come on, a joke's a joke.

-Oh, push off!

Right you, that's far enough.

This is my tribe and if you don't get out of here right now,

then one of us is going to be very, very sorry.

What makes you think you can defeat me?

Because I am armed.

Face your doom, Beastmaster, for I have the might of the awesome Fulhamer!

What kind of a weapon is that?

A very daft one, oh, Daft One.

-Hedgehog?

-No, no, no, no.

It really is a duck this time.

Right, that's it.

Every man for himself!

-One hundred and eighty!

-Gangway!

Lutin, what are you doing?

-The Beastmaster is here!

-Oh.

Hello, don't mind me.

I'm not a threat, eat him.

No, no, you're not a threat at all.

You are just a hideously deformed,

ugly, spotty little one with a really big nose.

What did you say?

I just said you are a really

hideously deformed, ugly, spotty little one with a really big nose.

Take this!

Oh.

Ha! My shot.

No, not my face. Mind my spots!

Ah, my fur! My beautiful black and white fur.

It is all sticky, I can't see a thing!

Now's your chance, lads. He's helpless. Come on.

Give it some welly!

There is a pond about five miles down the road.

It looks like he could use a bath.

That was a relief.

You're not wrong.

You can get up now, Prince Dick.

Prince Dick!

HE SCREAMS

So, a good battle, eh? Did you see me saving the day?

-I did rather see you bringing up the rear.

-How is your bum?

-Oh, yes, much better, thanks.

Yes, very good. Well, we have a long walk ahead of us

if we want to clear the Forest of Insanity by nightfall.

Oh, that is so much better.

Once they burst, they all just cleared right up.

About time. We're about to set off.

Best news I've heard all day. I can't wait to get out of this dump.

Eh? What do you mean? These guys love me.

We are staying right here.

The quest, Prince Dick, every minute we delay the Beastmaster's plague

turns another one of your helpless subjects into a water buffalo.

Well, you guys get going. I'm fine here.

No, no, don't be daft, Daft One.

-The Beastmaster knows where you are now. If you stay put, he'll come and get you.

-No, no, no, no.

My loyal followers will protect me, isn't that right, Dribbly Ken?

Well, let's not be too hasty.

-Eh?

-We might be daft, but we're not that daft.

-But you worship me.

Yeah. About that,

we've had a word and a bit of a vote and I'm afraid you're out.

-We're not going to worship you any more.

-What?! Why?

Because you are a spineless, gutless, cowardly chicken.

-I think he got you there.

-Hang on, I'm not finished.

You are a craven, panicky, timorous, yellow-bellied cur!

-That is a rather persuasive argument.

-Plenty more.

A lily-livered, jittery, fake-hearted fraidy cat, and we not going to worship you any more.

Great! Now there is no reason to stay, let's get out of here.

-We're worshipping her instead.

-Eh?

Maybe we could stay another couple of days.

Ah, spotty, spotty. Sweet, spotty, spotty.

-Second thoughts, we are leaving right now.

-Yes. Best get going.

Ah, spotty, spotty.

Sweet spotty, spotty.

And so our heroes continue their long journey back to Fyredor,

vowing never to mention Lutin's spotty face again.

You know, I've always had a bit of a soft spot for her myself.

Yes, well.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd