The Magic Oblong The Legend of Dick and Dom

Many, many, many years ago, a terrible plague was brought

upon the citizens of Fyredor by the wicked Beastmaster.

This dark disease had almost turned the whole kingdom into beasts.

Fortunately, an antidote had been made by the King's only two sons,

Princes Dick and Dom, their trusty mage, Mannitol,

and light-fingered servant, Lutin.

Unfortunately, they were still many miles away,

and the Beastmaster determined to stop them from getting home.

With time running out, our heroes must get back to Fyredor

with the antidote before it's too late.

The Legend of Dick and Dom continues.

For more than 30 years, Mannitol had tried to join

Bottom World's most prestigious wizard society.

Ladies and gentlemen,

there is no more majestic a creature in the entire animal kingdom

than the Siberian tiger.

Apart from the chicken.

And for more than 30 years, the result was always the same.

One by one, he would see all of his friends accepted

into the Magic Oblong.

And his friends' children.

And his friends' children's grandmas.

And his friends' children's grandmas' milkman.

I mean, it's a classic Siberian tiger routine, right?

But Mannitol here... Go on, tell them.

Tell them what you did! He doesn't do the Siberian tiger spell,

he does the speckledy chicken spell!

THEY ALL LAUGH

So the chicken panicked, and before you know it,

everyone's covered from head to toe in chicken...

HE SCREAMS

..poo.

THEY ALL LAUGH

It would take many years for Mannitol to recover,

to finally accept that he'd never join

the elite ranks of the Magic Oblong.

DICK AND DOM SNORING

Now then, who would like some eggy bread?

Yes, please!

-Could I have mine made like ickle soldiers?

-Already done.

-Can I have mine like ickle bears?

-No need to ask.

-Can I have...

-Ah, ah...

Ickle dragons!

Mmm!

Right, we have about 20 minutes before we need to get on.

That Beastmaster can't be far behind.

How right you are!

BEASTMASTER CACKLES

HE COOS LIKE A PIGEON

Brave warriors, success lies within our grasp. We must seize the moment.

Swoop in and steal the antidote from around Prince Dom's waist.

There's not a minute to lose.

The time is now.

We must fly, fly, fly!

Or wait for a bit.

CHATTERING IN THE BACKGROUND

Ahem!

What day is it today, Prince Dom?

It's Thursday.

BOTH: It's Tuesday!

Hmm. Exactly.

What have I told you about wearing your undies all week?

I didn't embroider them for nothing, you know.

They smelled OK.

OK, Mannitol.

Any time is good for me.

Don't know if you're, uh...

I tell you what, I'll get the ball rolling,

lead the charge, as it were. I just need a pair of wings.

That's easy.

Waaaugh!

That's no so... Hang on a minute.

Who needs the other one anyway?

Two wings is overkill in my book.

Onward, men. Charge!

Aaargh!

If I want to wear my Thursdays on a Tuesday, then I...

Oh, bless!

Hello, little birdie.

You cooing for me? Ah, nature.

Brilliant, isn't it? Hmm.

Ah. Oh!

Yes! That's... completely wrong.

Excuse me, you haven't seen some flying trousers, by any chance?

Flying trousers?

I don't know that one. Which spell did you use?

Oh, OK.

Thanks. Well done.

-Thanks for the help(!)

-Wait!

-Yes?

-You do know it's Tuesday?

Yes!

Oh, look, they they are!

You know, if you weren't such a rubbish magician,

-we wouldn't actually have to do all this washing up.

-Come now.

Where's the satisfaction in just magicking everything?

Dom, do you want this eggy bread or what?

You know, I once craved the life of a successful magician, Lutin.

-Yes, mastered the wizard arts.

-Is this going to be a long speech?

Of course, those days are long gone.

And so am I.

I craved it more than you could ever imagine.

Of course, I hardly think about it now.

Rarely a day goes by when I think about the fame,

the adulation, the respect, the gold...

Mannitol! This guy!

You remember the chicken thing I told you? This is the guy!

-No.

-Yeah, this is him.

His oblong audition.

I mean, it went everywhere. Am I right?

I think something's happened to Dom.

Lutin, Dick, this is Barry Fongo and his friends.

He's, uh... He's...

-He's a rather good wizard.

-Oh.

Listen. From you, that means... actually, very little!

No, no, I'm only having a laugh.

-When did you get in?

-Eh?

-Into the Magic Oblong?

-You're here for the awards, right?

-I didn't, um...

-What?

I didn't get into the Magic Oblong.

We just happen to be passing through.

He still does magic, though!

-Please, Lutin, don't.

-Yeah, he does lots of amazing stuff.

Oh, yeah? Like what?

Like, um...

-Like, er...

-Like that!

That's a flying trousers illusion.

Yes, just a little something I've been working on.

-Which spell is that?

-I couldn't possibly say.

Get him some seats on our table.

Yeah, yeah.

I want that illusion.

-That trousers illusion is absolutely incredible.

-Thank you.

Does this illusion involve me ever getting my trousers back?

-I mean, just a thought.

-You seen these goodie bags?

They're free! They've got so much good stuff in them.

They got chocolate, magical cufflinks...

A weekend for three in Mansfield!

Great! Get as many as you can.

Ooh! I'm already on it.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the 110th Magic Oblong Awards.

Please welcome to the stage, eight time Oblong winner

whose current show is playing the Clagpool Palladium six nights a week

with Wednesday and Saturday matinees,

tickets still available, yes, it's Mr Barry Fongo!

CYMBAL CRASH, MYSTERIOUS MUSIC

# Abra-abra-cadabra

# I wanna reach out and grab ya

# Abra-abra-cadabra

# Abracadabra

# Abra-abra-cadabra

# I wanna reach out and grab ya

# Abra-abra-cadabra... #

APPLAUSE

Standby, men.

Lords, ladies, members of the Oblong, I wouldn't be standing here today

if it weren't for the brave pioneers of magic

who've influenced hundreds of aspiring young wizards

getting a foothold in this business today.

In fact, only just earlier today,

I saw one of the most inspiring, magical performances

from one of the great veterans in this industry.

I am talking, of course, of Mannitol

-and his incredible trouser levitation.

-What?!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Mannitol! Mannitol!

Mannitol! Mannitol!

Mannitol, what you did with a pair of trousers this afternoon,

it's revolutionised magic.

-Let's not get carried away, shall we?

-You've had your chance!

Shut your cake hole!

I think it would be an honour

if you could perform Trousers for us tonight.

Uh-oh.

I wouldn't want to steal the limelight.

After all, it is your show.

-No!

-We want to see Trousers!

Here, levitate these!

-Do something!

-What?

I don't know. Distraction, so we can leg it!

Any ideas?

Sissy. Sissy fight.

Trousers! Trousers! Trousers!

THEY YELP AND SQUEAL

Go!

Where do you think you're going?

-I was just going for a little wander.

-Wait a minute.

-You can't do it, can you?

-What?

You're still rubbish.

You know, Barry, if anyone else had said that to me,

-I'd actually be quite insulted.

-Listen up, everyone.

Mannitol's just told me

he's not going to levitate a pair of trousers.

-BOOING

-Shh!

He's going to levitate EVERYONE'S trousers.

CHEERING

The stage is yours.

Oh, what's this?

Maybe Mannitol isn't quite the wizard everyone says he is.

No! I can do it. I can do it.

Come on, Mannitol!

-Ooh!

-Oh!

THEY ALL LAUGH

So this is how you revolutionise magic, is it?

Mannitol! Come back!

What's wrong with you all?

You should be ashamed of yourselves!

That man...

That man is the best...

Now then, my pretties, we're all clear on this.

The antidote, yes? Attack!

That's it. Brilliant!

Victory is mine.

Are you lot having a laugh?

You do know it's Tuesday?

Yes!

-Mannitol!

-No! Stop following me.

-Look, it doesn't matter!

-Of course it matters.

Magic is all I ever wanted.

I try to pretend, try to distract myself

with cooking and cleaning and embroidered pants, but the truth is,

I'm rubbish.

I know it, you know it, and now every wizard in Bottom World knows it.

-Mannitol, listen!

-No. You stay away from me.

Do what you came here to do.

Take the antidote back and cure the kingdom.

You'll find it easier without me.

-That's not true!

-Don't try and find me!

Mannitol... No!

And with that, Mannitol performed his greatest trick ever.

He vanished.

Well, it's your basic firebolt spell,

but it does come complete with this lovely pair of protective gloves.

HE SAYS THE MAGIC WORDS

Oof!

You're going to need them gloves, lads.

-Yes?

-I believe there's a certain someone who can help a certain

someone else get a certain something

that will help that certain someone improve a certain something.

-Are you here about the drains?

-No!

I'm here about the...

mullet.

Right. Er, right, out you go, lads.

Shop's shut. Come back tomorrow.

Oh, and bring money.

Well, I don't know what you're talking about, pal.

-Really?

-Haven't got a clue.

Well, I'm starting to remember. Oh, I've forgotten again.

Nope, I remember. It's gone again.

It's back. Nope.

Yes. No. Yes.

You're playing with fire, my friend.

That mullet is only for use by the most desperate of wizards.

A last resort for the weakest of the weak.

Well, that's me.

Well, then you must be...

You could be...

Who could forget about...

No!

Mannitol.

Mm-mm-mmm!

Look, it's not the end of the world.

We've still got the antidote.

-If you ask me, that wizard was holding us back.

-Right.

We can cope perfectly well on our own.

This is the last one.

-What?

-The goodie bags. They're finished!

No! But I'm still hungry!

-So am I!

-Mannitol? Where are you?

ALL TOGETHER: Mannitol, come back!

Are you a wizard who can't control their magic?

Unable to perform when the pressure's on? Wait!

I'm Gary Swear with the Power Mullet,

the only way to improve your magical ability in seconds. Just wear,

straighten, and dazzle.

But don't take my word for it, ask these guys!

I can't live without it. I feel like a new wizard.

With the Power Mullet, now every little thing I do is magic.

Whether you're battling gorgons, summoning demons,

or at a children's party, you can use Power Mullet any time, any place.

Its advanced mullet technology

means it's 20 times more powerful than any other magic enhancers.

You'll get your first Power Mullet for just £199.99.

Hey, wait, I'm not done yet. If you buy a Power Mullet today,

I'll throw in two Power Taches absolutely free!

-Are you sure about this?

-Of course.

-It's exactly what I need.

-You, sir!

-Yeah, I'll take one.

-Excellent.

Yeah, but he doesn't tell you

-about the side effects, does he?

-Look at that.

It looks magic. Do you feel magic?

-Like what?

-Well, firstly, you develop a liking for light jazz.

-I can live with that.

-Next, you start to laugh like a little girl.

OK. Not ideal, but it's probably worth it.

Finally, your feet turn to fondue cheese.

Are you sure it's worth it?

Mannitol?

Why don't you get another one of Fongo's books for the fire?

Great idea, Dom, but I think you should do it instead.

What? No, no, you should.

-No, you should.

-No, you should.

-No, you should.

-You should.

-No, you should.

-You should.

-You should.

-You should.

-You should.

You sh.... She's got it!

Just wear, straighten and dazzle.

A barrel of mushy peas!

A solid gold roast dinner!

Some book tokens!

Now, I'll show them.

Mannitol!

It's a sight like we haven't seen for years!

Mannitol tickets. Get them here, get them here.

Sold out but I still got a few left. Come and see the trousers live.

Everyone's talking about those trousers.

Come and see them. Get your tickets here.

Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome to the stage,

Clagpool's latest magic sensation,

he used to be rubbish but now he's brilliant, Mannitol!

# Ho, ho, ho, it's magic, you know

# Never believe it's not so

# Ho, ho, ho, it's magic, you know

# Never believe it's not so... #

THEY GRUNT

Fellow wizards! I come with grave news.

A traitor performs to packed houses, using a Power Mullet.

If this gets out, the Oblong could be finished! We have to stop him!

Can't we just let him join?

What?! This charlatan is taking work from honest wizards like you and me.

But we must act quickly, his feet have already turned cheesy!

So, come with me, my brothers,

and let's bring down the curtain once and for all on Mannitol!

THEY ALL CHEER

There they are. I knew they'd come here eventually.

Come on. And just in case you've got any funny ideas this time,

perhaps this will focus your minds!

# Ho, ho, ho, it's magic, you know

# Never believe it's not so... #

Mannitol! They're coming! Fongle's on his way!

Stop... this... show!

Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of the Magic Oblong,

I'm here to tell you that what you have seen tonight is a travesty.

An insult to every working wizard in this town.

This man is a charlatan!

You're just jealous.

Yeah. Learn some new tricks, mate!

-Yeah, you're past it!

-You and your sad old boys' club.

-This is what they want to see!

-Oh no, it isn't!

-ALL: Oh yes, it is!

-Oh no, it isn't!

-ALL: Oh yes, it is!

I see. So he hasn't told you?

Weren't any of you ever curious

as to why Bottom World's worst magician suddenly got so good?

Maybe you should ask your friend

why he's suddenly not quite such a slap-head.

That's enough, Barry.

Ladies and gentlemen,

what this man is trying to imply...

..what he's suggesting is...

..it's absolutely true.

AUDIENCE GASP

-I'm a fraud.

-No!

-Yes. This performance was a lie.

My desire to be great, my jealousy of other wizards

led me down the wrong path.

A path that eventually led to...

a performance-enhancing hairpiece.

GASPS

I've let you all down.

My audience, my profession,

and my friends.

Yeah, show's over, Mannitol! The Magic Oblong will make sure

you never sprinkle whiffle dust in this town again!

HE LAUGHS LIKE A LITTLE GIRL

Not so fast, Fongle!

Have I ever told you how much I admire

your lovely, dark eyebrows?

What?

-We don't have time for this nonsense.

-What a shame...

that they don't match your silky, long hair.

What's he talking about?

These are the deranged ravings of a guilty man!

-Take him away!

-No!

Ask to see his feet.

His cheesy feet.

Attack!

Damn you, fools! Get the potion!

You're the charlatan!

And so the truth was out.

Everyone in the Oblong had secretly been using the Power Mullet.

Mannitol vowed to give up his showbiz dreams

and concentrate fully on the quest.

He personally made sure that all the wigs were destroyed.

Boys and girls, mums and dads,

the most dangerous animal in nature is the Arctic polar bear.

And it turned out that Barry Fongle

was an even worse magician than Mannitol.

..And the guinea pig.

-SQUELCH!

-Urgh! That's just not fair.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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