Valley of the Bigheads The Legend of Dick and Dom

'Many, many, many years ago,

'a terrible plague was brought upon the citizens of Fyredor

'by the wicked Beastmaster.

'This dark disease had almost turned the whole kingdom into beasts.

'Fortunately, an antidote had been made

'by the King's only two sons, Princes Dick and Dom,

'their trustee mage, Mannitol, and light-fingered servant, Lutin.

'Unfortunately, they were still many miles away,

'and the Beastmaster determined to stop them from getting home.

'With time running out, our heroes must get back to Fyredor

'with the antidote before it's too late.

'The Legend Of Dick And Dom continues.'

'Our heroes, closely pursued by the Beastmaster,

'arrived at the foothills of Bottom World,

'where they faced a multiple-choice road sign.'

-Ah...this is Hopeless.

-Oh, great, thanks a lot, Mannitol.

There's me trying to keep up the morale.

No, no, this really is Hopeless.

Oh.

Which means one of these two roads leads from Hopeless back to Fyredor.

-Ha-ha.

-Yes.

-We'll just have to find out from the sign.

-A-ha!

-No, no, no, what are you doing? Don't do that!

-Oh...

Oh, great, now we have no idea which way is which.

Well, I know one thing - that way is up. Hang on, I've got an idea.

Oh, no, hold on, that's just an itch.

Itches are one of my favourite things, you know.

Yeah, they're amazing.

Itches are actually invisible dwarfs licking you.

All right, I'll get the map.

Must be in here somewhere.

Fly!

No.

Want any...?

Ah...ah...ah...

atchoo!

Oh... Oh, yuck!

I'm really feeling under the weather.

Let me have a look at you.

You are actually under the weather.

For the next day or, so you will be suffering

from severe and rapid meteorological ailments.

SHE COUGHS THEN THUNDERS

Just as I feared - thunder.

Heat wave, heat wave.

Have one of my lovely lavender throat lozenges.

Now, we shall find you a doctor in the next town to treat you.

Ah, found it.

There's only one way back to Fyredor -

we have to travel through the Hidden Canyon,

past the Lair of the giant Rat of Gore,

around the spanky Pillars of Pain

and across the Desolate Desert of Death!

No, no, no, Prince Dom, look, look,

we are very close to the fabled Brainwave Tollgate.

According to legend, it is a portal

that will transport us directly to the heart of Fyredor.

'And so with renewed hope in their hearts, they strode forth toward

'the Brainwave Tollgate and an easy way home.'

Look, look.

-ALL:

-Argh!

Not on the face... or the body or anything.

Look at their heads!

-Lookamataysh, lookamataysh, lookamataysh shomadah.

-Shackmakatah.

Shackmakatay!

Shakamakalooby!

They must be using some form of advanced communication.

Shakamatar, shakamatar, shakamdoodoo.

We are Princes Dick and Dom.

You have no doubt heard of us.

Shakamakatay?

Shakamatar, shakamatar.

Chakakhan, chakakhan.

Greetings, travellers. It is evident your intellect

is far inferior to ours, therefore we will converse with you

in a more...rudimentary tongue.

Er...you what?

It's obvious, Fry, that even that is too tricky.

Leave it to me.

You...

..speakee...

-the dumbo language?

-Oh, yes.

-We are the Big Heads.

-I wonder why they call them that?

-Shut up!

-Ow!

I am Fry - IQ 251.

And I am Bragg - IQ 26...9.

We control the Brainwave Tollgate -

you must contribute a levy before you penetrate.

What he means is

pay us the toll or you're not going through, sponge brains.

Ah, how much?

Money's such a crude concept to us -

we seek only knowledge.

Give us any fact we do not know and you may pass.

-Bargain!

-Most noble.

A-hem. Leave this to me, Princes.

-I have a fact which I would like to impart.

-That.

I'm sorry?

You have a fact THAT you would like to impart, not "which".

You're introducing an essential clause, so "that" not "which".

Right, heh-heh. Where was I?

Oh, yes, um...the spell to banish a swamp beast

-is Argos Candyfloss Brent Cross...

-No, no, no, no, no.

I think you'll find it isn't.

That sounds like a spell

-for changing a sword into a hazelnut loaf.

-Idiot!

The highest mountain is...

The Grumblerock Peak.

Oh, right, I've got another one.

The fastest bird is...

BOTH: The wooshaburra.

What is wrong with your female companion?

I think...I'm going to rain.

THUNDER AND RAIN

This is hopeless.

Oh, no, no, no, Hopeless is just down the path.

Change of plan -

we're not going to go through the gate, it's far too gatey.

You know, all this going through things, it's...

we don't need it.

-Not important.

-Bye.

-Bye.

We're going to have to find another way through that gate, fast.

Shakamatay, shamatay shakomatay, shakamadoodladoo, shakamadee.

Sachamaktay, sachamakatar.

OK, Lutin's in position. Let's go.

-Are my roots showing?

-Oh, shut up!

Good morning, Big Heads.

I am Paxman - IQ 250.

Well, it looks like one of us.

He's even got a mouse-tache and everything.

Now, would you gentlemen mind following me?

I do believe I may have discovered

an interesting new species of moss, thataway.

(Look, it's working.)

Paxman, I've spent years studying every variety of moss

-in Bottom World.

-Thought you looked like a bit of a party animal.

Wait a minute,

a witty quip from a Big Head?

Oh, no, no, no, I was just...

ah...ah...atchoo!

CAWS

It's the female servant!

Ah...ah...ah...tchooooo!

-ALL:

-Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Guys, I think they've twigged.

-ALL:

-Argh!

You thought you could sneak through the Brainwave gate.

That is a direct contravention of Law 49B,

subsection 12, paragraph 3, sentence 9.

These miscreants must be punished!

Please don't hurt me - my IQ is a million.

Oh, yeah, mine too.

If this is true, you are the cleverest people

in the whole of Bottom World.

We must clear this matter up.

You must come to see our leader,

the Big Head Head.

Big Head Head!

-He said Head Head!

-Head Head!

-Head Head!

Head Head! He's a Big Head Head...

I am Hawking - IQ 999,999.

Dom - IQ 1 million.

Dick - IQ 1,000,001.

All right, only joking - IQ 1 million.

IQ 1 million, eh?

Hmm, that makes you both exactly one point more intelligent than me.

Congratulations.

I have worked my whole life to try and achieve such a score...

and failed.

Thanks a lot, but we don't want to spoil your party, so we're happy

to take our big brains and our two dumb friends

-and just go straight through the gates.

-Yeah.

BOTH: Ow!

Such brainpower in such tiny, turtle-sized heads.

Hmm, how do you do it?

I mean, to me, you don't look smarter than a ten-year-old.

There it is again, that stupid sense of humour.

We shall have a test, a test to see who is cleverer - me or you.

If you win, you shall pass through our gate towards Fyredor.

And if you lose, you shall face the ultimate punishment -

death by boredom.

Meet Herman.

Ten minutes in a room with him,

and you will be literally bored to death.

EVIL LAUGH

Test - tomorrow morning, 10am. Don't be late.

Can I just check - what's the test on?

Everything.

Here we are at the doctor's.

Don't worry - pretty soon you'll be right as rain.

Oh, I'm sorry, a very bad choice of words.

Yeah, I'm still suffering, you know.

-Ooh, I've got a cold front moving in.

-Oh...

Ow!

WEDDING MARCH PLAYS

Hello, I've got a problem with my...

It's not serious.

Hello, I am Mannitol.

-I'm Dr Vorderman - IQ 302.

-Ah, divine.

Hello?

Ill here, I need some help.

It's just a sniffle!

Perhaps you would like to take a stroll with me -

we could watch the sunset.

-It's 2.30.

-Shh!

No, thanks. I'm busy.

-Here, take some of this before each cold snap.

-Oh...

-Come on.

-Oh, I must see her again.

I feel like I'm walking on puppies made of sponge.

Hang on, hang on, where are we going?

To the library. We need to learn everything in the world by tomorrow,

otherwise it's curtains for us.

We could do with some new curtains.

This is going to take longer than I thought.

-Hello.

-THEY SCREAM

I wasn't expecting anyone...

-this year.

-Oh...

-I need to woo Vorderman, so I have painted her this.

-Oh.

Obviously, there wasn't sufficient space for all of her head.

Now, it may just be the flu remedy talking, but to me, it's bad.

You're right - I needs something from the heart.

Magic. I will impress her with one of my spells.

Oh, no, no, no, no, Mannitol, please. Honestly, the picture's great.

Ugh...

No, no, no, wait, wait.

Brucie, Debussy, Zanussi, Bluetooth!

-Ah!

-SMASH

I think that was a good start, don't you?

Now for some sweet music.

-Ugh.

-Come, come.

You see, if we could borrow some books for one day.

We're in a bit of a hurry, we've got an important test.

You will have to join... the library first, of course.

The membership book is somewhere...

I'll just...

-It's dusty up here.

-Ah.

So, membership application book.

You see, we've only got tonight to learn everything.

I just need to find a blank page.

-That's blank.

-Nope.

-No. Oh.

-No. No.

Must be the next... erm.

No.

Blank page.

-Can I just turn...

-Ttt...

No.

-Gerroff!

-Ttt...

No.

No.

Ah, yes...

-No.

-Argh.

'As the Princes waited patiently to join the library, loan the books,

'learn everything in the world, win the quiz, and pass through

'the Tollgate, Mannitol was wooing Vorderman with the joy of song.'

# Eyes are so beautiful so sparkling and pale

# Your head is the size of a pregnant blue whale

# Even though your appearance freaks everyone out

# I love you, Vorderman beyond a doubt... #

SHE THROWS UP

Maybe she's lovesick?

Boo-hoo-hoo.

Boo-hoo. Geroff!

No.

No.

-Ah... yes.

-Yes?

-Here we are.

So, application to join the library,

Prince?

-Prince Dom, Prince Dick. Princes Dick and Dom.

-P...

-R...

-Hee hee he he he.

-I...

LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

Boo-hoo-hoo.

-Prince.

-Is that Dom with a D?

Yes...with a D.

Well, this is the last chance to woo the girl of my dreams.

Or nightmares.

I have learnt some Big Head, their highly complex language.

-Let's hope I get it right.

-Oh, yes.

A-hem.

Shamakatar...

..shamakatay...

..shamak...harrrrr...

..shamakatoo.

I think this is the book I want.

Oh, dear.

It's a maximum of five books per member.

The average peanut is 72% dust and 28% earwax.

Come on, let's have some fun. Let's build a scroll assault course?

No! Now sit down and learn...stuff.

-Oh. Evening.

-Urgh.

Hey, we could build a scroll assault course.

That's what I said.

This is all about the...

-Thanks.

-Aargh!

Right, that's it, I've had enough.

The Beastmaster is just hours behind us.

The only way back to Fyredor to save our beloved families

is by going through that gate.

The only way through the gate is to beat the Big Heads

by learning all this stuff.

So please, please...

SHUT UP!

Oooooh!

I'm sorry, Dom.

Really?

Course not. No, I am sorry.

-Really?

-Course not.

Right!

All right, all right, all right, I give in. Let's learn stuff.

Good.

Well, I believe our heads are now full of knowledge.

I agree, Prince Richard. Shall we go?

Shall we?

Welcome to the Head of the Big Heads Big Head Test,

and here is your host...FRY!

Nice to see you, to see you... through my optic nerve.

-Contestants, are you prepared and fully content?

-Yeah, yeah.

Well, let's start with a nice easy one first, shall we?

What is 27 x 278?

-Hawking.

-7,506.

-Correct!

And that sound means it's a spot prize.

-Ooooh.

-And you've won this delightful flagon of fistules.

-Oh!

-And now for a more difficult one.

Which constellation of stars

is found two degrees south of Cassandra's Ring?

-Dick and Dom.

-The Wheelbarrow.

-Correct!

-Yes!

-1-1. Next round.

And with the scores neck and neck, this is it, the decider.

The final question is this,

what percentage of a peanut is dust?

-Oh...ha!

-Yes!

I know this, I know this, I don't believe this, brother, we're saved.

We've won! The percentage of a peanut that is dust is...

is...

What's happening?

It's...

it's...aargh.

-Urgggh.

-I suppose I could offer it.

72%.

Correct! Yippee yi yay!

Whoohoo. Ha ha ha ha.

Congratulations to Hawking,

who receives this delightful replica spoon.

Ooooh.

And for the losers, Dick and Dom,

instant death.

What? What's that?

I don't know.

I've forgotten everything. I don't even know who I am, Dom.

-Dom? Who's that?

-I don't know.

-Who are you?

-I don't know. Who am I?

At least I can still remember what we do in this situation.

Run!

Get them! Get them!

Urgh!

No. Get them, get them.

Argh!

-Who are you?

-Are you our mummy?

Oh, heck. OK, let's get you filled back up.

Right, you're Dick, you're Dom. You're both princes from Fyredor.

You like chess, you like cheese.

That's Bottom World, that's the sky, that's a dog having a poo.

Ugh.

I'll fill you in on the rest later. Come on, let's get out of here.

Shakamatee shakamatar!

Quick, quick.

That way, that way. That's them!

Aargh.

Help!

I do have a very good...

-Come on,

-No, no wait!

-I was going to propose.

-Come on.

Come on.

We're going to make it.

Waaaaaaaaaaa!

So, once again you have failed.

You thought you could become smart in just one night.

Idiots!

But then,

what would you know?

I know all about itches.

Hmm?

-Itches are actually invisible dwarves licking you.

-I didn't know that.

Amazing, eh? And you know pins and needles?

Well, they are actually little lemmings dancing on your legs.

-Oh, I didn't know that.

-And you know if you've seen exactly

the same cow as you've seen before, that's called deja moo.

I didn't know that...ah...aargh..

Oooooooooaaah.

HE SCREAMS

Na, na, na, na, na, Mummy.

Well, who would have thought it?

After all that, you really did give us extra knowledge.

Even though it is useless.

You are free to pass.

And today you get this complimentary fish juice.

Take this to the library and say to the old man, thanks.

-Is there a late fine to pay on these?

-Shut up, Dom.

-Come on, Mannitol, time to go.

-I know, my friends, but I can't.

My place is here now with Vorderman.

We are going to live happily ever after.

You see, I have fallen under the spell of love.

And Mannitol, where does that leave us?

I will miss you.

Why don't you come with us, both of you? It'll be a laugh.

And I'll teach you some new stuff like a gust of wind is actually

a burp from a cloud giant.

Shadows don't like mushrooms,

and if you dream about falling asleep then you'll snore twice as loudly.

Really?

I didn't know that.

I didn't know any of that.

Whoa!

Ohhh!

On second thoughts, I can't leave the quest.

We were just getting somewhere.

A-ha!

Mannitol!

Leave it.

It's over, Vorderman.

Boo-hoo-hoo.

Put a sock in it.

'And so our brave travellers could, at last,

'transport themselves hundreds of miles to the very heart of...'

Fyredor, here we come!

Yay! Hurray.

-Shakamakadok.

-THEY LAUGH

THEY BREAK WIND

-But I...

-Mannitol!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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