Hag Puss The Legend of Dick and Dom

Many, many years ago,

a terrible plague was turning the people of Fyredor

into horrible beasts.

And a few nice, cuddly ones.

Their only hope of a cure rested with princes Dick and Dom,

their light-fingered servant, Lutin

and their trust mage, Mannitol.

Unfortunately, they were utterly useless.

They dropped the first antidote...

mucked up the replacement antidote...

GET OUT!

..and now must collect the ingredients

to re-remake the antidote before all of Fyredor is doomed forever.

..continues.

It's another beautiful, peaceful day in Bottom World.

AHH!

Do you know what? I think something's freaked him out.

Ooh, sounds lovely.

-Ah.

-Hm.

-Hm.

-Ooh.

-Ah! Got an idea.

-What?

-It's been in my pocket for yonks.

Ahh! Ah! Ah! Ah!

What happened?

You were reading the scroll. "Pimple pus from..."

Ahh!

Ah! Ah!

Thanks, I needed that.

Who is Hernanda The Hag, anyway?

Hags are wizened old crones,

skilled in the moody brown magic.

-Moody brown magic?!

-Yes. It's not quite black magic

-but pretty dark and moody, nonetheless.

-Got you.

Hernanda is the evillest hag

ever to stalk the darkest nooks and crannies of Bottom World.

She is notorious for a huge pus-filled pimple

right in the middle of her wrinkled, scabby forehead.

So we track down this Hernanda,

burst the zit, get the hag pus, job done!

You don't understand, Prince Dick. This means certain death.

Oh, we'll be fine! How much trouble can one old lady be?

-Exactly. Come on.

-No!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Come on.

HEAVY BREATHING

-NARRATOR:

-So, our hag-hunting heroes

travelled deeper into the forests of Bottom World,

getting ever closer to Hernanda The Hag's lair.

Oh, I think this might be the place.

Hag Wood.

-Come on!

-Oh, come on, Mannitol!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hang on, what do you think you're doing?

-We'd like to enter Hag Wood.

-Ooh.

You'd like to enter Hag Wood, would you?

Yes, we would.

-Well, that all depends.

-All depends on what, exactly?

Whether you have any (children) about your persons.

-Speak up, didn't quite catch that, old boy.

-(Children.)

-Oh, children!

-Keep it down, for goodness sake!

-What's wrong with saying "children"?

-SHUT IT!

Children are strictly forbidden in Hag Wood.

Hags hate the little snot munchers, see?

We haven't got any (children) with us, all right?.

That's what they all say. Open your bags!

-I'm not opening my...

-Hurry up! I haven't got all day!

All right. Look, nothing.

Er...OK.

Yeah...

-Oi! Get out of it!

-Careful down there!

All right, Fido! Not going to have (children) in my hair, am I?

you'd be amazed where the little snot wipers end up hiding.

Right, have a good long shake, all of you.

-What?

-Come on! Shake, shake, shake!

Shake! Shake them arms and legs!

Shake it.

That's right. Shake them arms and legs.

Shake, shake, shake, shake.

ORDER!

All right, I've had enough of that.

I suppose you are all clean.

Ooh. Let's get out of here.

-Bye-bye.

-CRUNCH!

AH! You...

That's a good boy.

Ooh! One little piece of advice!

Oh, what now?!

When you're in Hag Wood, watch...your...step.

-You should be watching YOUR step.

-Yeah, you jobsworth...

-AHH!

-SPLASH!

-Ahh!

-Ahh!

-Help! I'm drowning!

-Oh, wait a second!

-Don't just stand there! Help me!

Look! Look, look, look!

Oh.

THEY SPLUTTER

I think I've swallowed half the muddy puddle.

Yeah, me too.

-SQUELCH!

-Oh, dear.

-Oh!

-What is it?

-Ah!

-SQUELCH!

-I feel...really weird.

-SQUELCH!

-M-m-me, too!

-SQUELCH!

-What's happening to them?

-I don't know.

It must be something to do with all that muddy water they've just drunk.

BOTH: AHH!

Oh, great! Now we're saddled with a couple of children!

I KNEW you were smuggling snot gobblers! hold it right there!

Run!

DOG BARKS

Go get them, boy!

Look, I've had enough of this.

-Fat lot of good you are!

-Yes, it's me who's in the wrong, as usual.

-I should never have got you them biscuits!

-I'm going home.

-Here, boy!

-No.

-Come back here!

-I'm going back to Marjorie's.

-Heel!

-ADULT VOICE:

-I think we lost them.

-I think you're right.

Now that's just weird!

-What's weird?

-You still have your adult voices.

-I don't feel any different to before.

-Me neither. Just shorter.

What's happened to us?

I think you accidentally fell into the legendary Muddy Puddle of Youth.

The Muddy Puddle of Youth?

Yes, I heard it was somewhere round these parts.

If you drink any water from the puddle, you transform, magically,

-into a younger version of yourself.

-This is just great(!)

I could always conjure up a spell to...

ALL: No!

Suit yourselves.

Of course, there is one other tiny little problem.

-What? As tiny as him?

-Speak for yourself, midget!

Stop, stop, stop! Sh! No!

This is Hag Wood, remember?

Where "children" are strictly forbidden.

-Yes, for once, Lutin is right.

-Hm.

This is not good.

EVIL LAUGHTER

TWIGS SNAPPING

EVIL LAUGHTER

Ah, ah, ah, ah!

I am seeing two nasty little snot suckers.

-I am seeing them, too!

-Get them!

ALL: AHH!

Chase!

Ahh!

We have to run faster!

I wish I could, but my legs aren't as long as they used to be!

Mine have always been this length!

THEY LAUGH EVILLY

Mannitol! They've got little Dick and Dom!

They're doomed. It's hopeless. Just run.

-Ooh! Ooh!

-Ahh!

-Ooh!

-Ooh!

-Ow! That really hurt!

-Yeah, you hags are well mean.

Of course we are mean! We are hags, no?

Si! Mean is what we do. Is that not right, Chiquita?

It certainly is, Juanita! Hag five! THEY LAUGH

So, muchachos.

Now we take you to meet the big boss. H-h-h-h-hernanda.

She will be muy, muy pleased

that we have captured two more of the little snot gobblers!

THEY LAUGH

-Ow.

-Ow.

I'm certainly getting my exercise today.

I think we lost the hags.

Yes. Unfortunately, we've also lost the princes.

-Psst.

-Who's that?

(Over here.)

I think she wants us to follow her.

She might be a hag in cunning disguise.

(Look, I saw what happened to your friends.

(If you want to stay out of the hags' clutches, follow me, now.)

-EVIL LAUGHTER

-Ah!

-Run!

Look what we got for you, ladies! Ha-ha-ha!

Your face! Your face!

Oi! You heard of waxing?

You cackling at me? You cackling at me? You want a piece of me?

-Put 'em up!

-You don't scare me!

-DOM BLOWS A RASPBERRY

OK, amigos, time for you to meet Hernanda.

-Oh, yeah, she's the one with the magic pimple.

-Ssh!

Whatever you do, do not mention her little...

HE WHISTLES

Zit?

-Ssh!

-Ssh!

-Spot?

-Ssh!

-Ssh! Don't say we didn't warn you, OK?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-I mean, how bad can it be?

THEY LAUGH

OK.

In you go.

So, these two little snot gobblers are the new arrivals, huh?

-So...you must be Hernan...

-AHH!

It's pronounced "Air-r-r-r-nanda"!

Well listen, Air-r-r-r-nanda,

there's been a bit of a misunderstanding, here.

Myself and my brother Dick aren't actually children.

Ahh!

Do not use that word in my presence, muchacho.

-What word? Child...

-Dee! Dah...

It's a vile, disgusting word.

You kiss your mother with that mouth?

Well, not if I can help it. But OK.

What I'm saying is, we fell into this Muddy Puddle of Youth thingy

and we're really, in actual fact, grown-ups.

Muddy Puddle of Youth! You expect me to believe such a baloney story, eh?

-But it's true.

-No!

You two are snot spitters through and through

and, for that, you will suffer a terrible fate.

Hey! Amigo! You looking at something?

Huh? Snot blower? Huh?

-HE MOUTHS

-It's huge!

-What?!

-It's a monster!

That pimple is the most massive, humongous, disgusting

pus-filled spot I've seen in my entire life!

That is one mother of a zit!

-How dare you!

-Listen, he didn't mean that.

Chiquita! Juanita!

Take these two little snot shovellers and lock them up with the others.

OK, boss!

THEY LAUGH

And soon, you two, too, will be transformed!

Ha-ha-ha!

Ooh, butter! Yuck!

Thank you, Barbara.

So, you reckon you're the last free child in all of Hag Wood?

There used to be children everywhere until the hags came.

Now they're all been captured, apart from me.

So what happened to all the children?

The hags take them to their village. No-one's ever come back.

Oh, well, that's terrible! Surely there's something WE can do!

It's hopeless. The hags' magic is way too powerful.

Suppose it's only a matter of time before they get me, too.

Listen, young Barbara.

I am also somewhat proficient in the art of magic.

Ha! Proficient? More like DEficient!

Heh-heh. Maybe I can help you rescue your friends.

Do you really think you can do it?

Yes, Barbara!

I will rally my powers of sorcery,

I will take on the horrible hags,

and win!

SMACK! Ow!

Ow.

-All right?

-How you doing?

Sweets! Oh, great! I'm starving!

-No, don't eat it.

-Why not? It's just a sweet.

They're cursed. If you eat them, something bad happens.

-So hungry. Must eat.

-Augustus, no!

-Eurgh! It's butter!

-That's what the sweets do - turn kids into butter.

-Why butter?

-Hags LOVE butter.

-Can't get enough of it, really.

EVIL LAUGHTER

I see another little snot swallower

is enjoying another one of my tasty, sweetie treats.

And soon, the rest of you will be so hungry,

you will not be able to resist,

and everyone will turn to butter!

I will be triumphant!

-This really sucks.

-Yeah.

I've always preferred margarine.

Hm?

Oh. Some days, hag work can be muy, muy fulfilling.

Oh, crystal ball...

Master!

You will be muy pleased to know

I have princes Dick and Dom captured and within my powers.

And in a muy, muy short time, the rest of them will follow.

THEY LAUGH EVILLY

HE COUGHS

You really should see somebody about that cough.

It's gone onto your chest, I think.

Maybe get some syrup.

-Yeah.

-HE LAUGHS

HE COUGHS

This is the place - Hag Village.

There's Dick and Dom, look! They're locked up in that cage!

I think I have a plan.

And it involves just the spell, does it?

Yes, it does, actually. Thank you.

I will conjure up a spell to temporarily cause all the hags

to fall into a deep sleep.

When they do, we'll have our chance to rescue Dick and Dom.

Mannitol, are you sure this will work?

Barbara, I won't let you or your friends down.

I promise.

Right. Stay close behind me.

I'm going in.

Look! It's Mannitol and Lutin!

Thank you so much, amigos.

Why are you thanking us?

For bringing the last-remaining snot smearer right into my lair!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, bo...

THEY LAUGH

What are you waiting for, mage?

Why don't you give it your best shot?

Polythene, fan belt, dongle, Billericay!

THEY ALL LAUGH

Is that all you've got, muchacho?

I...don't understand. I thought I had the sleep spell exactly right.

I'm sorry, Barbara.

THEY LAUGH

My turn.

THEY LAUGH

Now I have you all within my powers,

and soon you will all eat a few little sweeties

and BOOM!

It's butter time, baby!

Great. Could things get any worse?

I'm sorry. I don't understand how my sleep spell didn't work.

Oh, well maybe that's because you're the worst, most pathetic,

-over-the-hill excuse for a wizard that's ever...

-No! No, no, no, no!

I will not stand for that kind of abuse.

Well, then why don't you sit down for it, you doddery old...

You two!

-Just calm it down.

-Look, there must be some way we can get out of here.

Yeah, and don't forget, we still need that pus.

-Lutin, maybe you can get the lock open.

-I'll have a look.

Hm. It'll be tricky. There's an enchantment on it, I reckon.

Oh, well, maybe I could, er...

ALL: No!

Look, I can do it, OK? Just might take a few hours.

Maybe days.

-Maybe never.

-Oh!

-NARRATOR:

-Lutin has been working on that lock for hours.

It still won't open. Could this be the end of the road for our heroes?

I hope not - that would mean I'm out of a job.

Oh, I've had enough of this.

-Oh.

-Oh.

Any luck, Lutin? You've been at it for hours.

I can do it. I know I can.

So hungry. So, so hungry.

CRUNCH! Ow! Ow!

I'm sorry. I think I'm hallucinating.

No!

-I'm all grown up again!

-It must have been the sweeties!

Hang on, how come they didn't turn us into butter?

The enchanted sweets must only turn children into butter.

But I WAS a child.

-Yes, on the surface. Underneath, you were still adults.

-Ooh, get in!

This is good news but means nothing if Lutin can't get that lock open.

Just give me a bit more time.

-Few more sweeties whilst we're waiting?

-Don't mind if I do.

Us adults ARE immune to them.

Not point letting them go to waste, is there?

My thoughts exactly.

-Oh.

-Ohh.

Well, it's your own fault.

How's it going, Lutin?

It's nearly there, but the lock's jammed.

I need something, like, really greasy.

-How about a chunk of, er...

-Wendy?

..Wendy.

Yeah, that'll do.

Yes! Thanks, Wendy.

Right. Now, remember, everybody. Nice and quiet.

Creamy, buttery taste, no?

Hey! The dirty little snot suckers are getting away!

HAGS SCREAM

SNORING

My sleeping spell must have worked.

-Better late than never, eh?

-Yeah.

Wait a sec. The sleeping spell should have worked on ALL the hags.

-So it should have worked on Hernanda, too, right?

-Right.

It's the perfect chance to get her pimple pus for the potion.

-Yeah...I vote we get out of here before that lot wake up.

-No!

Remember, the quest is all-important.

Whatever the danger, we must complete the potion.

SNORING

MUMBLING

ALL: Oh!

Huh? Eh? Ah!

HAGS SCREAM

THEY SCREAM

SNORING Shh, shh.

Oh.

Ah! Ah!

THEY SCREAM

SNORING

Ah!

THEY SCREAM

SNORING

It's a...bit dodgy, this sleeping spell of yours, Mannitol.

Yeah...a wee bit intermittent.

Let's just get in there and get the pimple pus before they wake up.

You two, wait here.

This isn't going to be pretty.

SNORING

-Go on, then.

-What?

-Get popping.

-What? Why me?

You're the eldest. This is a job for someone with life experience.

In that case, Mannitol should do it then.

No, no, no, no. I'm holding the cup to catch the pimple pus in.

-Very important job. Lutin. Eh?

-What?

Hello? I'm, like, obviously guarding the door in case the hags wake up.

-You or me? Toss you for it?

-Yeah, all right.

-Bums or elbows?

-Bums.

-Bums.

-Yes. Get in!

OK, OK.

ALL: AHH!

Take your dirty little hands off my beauty spot!

SNORING

-Go on.

-Oh. OK.

-SQUELCHING

-I can't pop it!

Put some muscle into it, you wimp!

-Did you get some?

-More than enough.

-Shall we go then? Yeah?

-Yeah.

Ahh!

THEY SCREAM

Not so fast, muchachos!

No-one bursts Hernanda the Hag's pimple and gets away with it!

Leg it!

THEY SCREAM

Arriba! Arriba! Andale! Andale!

Let us unleash a simultaneous butter spell and see this lot off for good.

-This doesn't look good!

-Just keep running!

Three, two, one!

Ahh!

SPLASH!

Stop! Look!

The hags have fallen in the Muddy Puddle of Youth.

What do you mean...

..the Muddy Puddle of Yo...

BARBARA LAUGHS

What's this?!

Aren't you cute little haggy-waggies?

Get them!

What? What's going on?

Ahh! Yeah!

These little hags are too young to know any spells.

-Back to hag school for you, I think!

-Yeah, off you go! Go on! Shoo!

-Yeah!

-Go on! Shoo!

Shoo! Shoo!

Thanks so much for helping us all out.

Not a problem, Barbara.

Once again, children will roam these woods in freedom.

Are you sure those hags won't trouble you?

Nah. Without their magic, they're just a bunch of girls!

-Bye!

-Bye.

-Kick them up the bum! >

-Right. Er, this way. I think.

-Mannitol, watch out for the...

Ah! Ahh!

-Ooh.

-Ooh!

Are there any sweets left?

Ooh, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.

-NARRATOR:

-And so, the rather disgusting hag pus

from Her-r-r-nanda the Hag,

was added to the potion.

And our heroes now had another quest -

to find a sweet shop,

so that Mannitol could hopefully return back to normal.

Meanwhile, back in Hag Village,

young Hernanda is having to face the music.

I-i-it wasn't my fault! Really, it wasn't...

master.

No! Please!

Ahh!

You are really mean, muchacha.

Ah, quit complaining.

Subtitles by Zoe Short Red Bee Media Ltd

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