Sirens The Legend of Dick and Dom

Ah! This looks the perfect place to bury our treasure, lads!

Oh, ho-ho! Hello, there, my beauty.

DEEP GROWLING Aargh!

Many, many years ago, a terrible plague was turning

the people of Fyredor into horrible beasts, and a few nice, cuddly ones.

Their only hope of a cure rested with Princes Dick and Dom,

their light-fingered servant, Lutin, and their trusty mage, Mannitol.

Unfortunately...

they were utterly useless. They dropped the first antidote...

..mucked up the replacement antidote...

Get out!

..and now must find the ingredients to re-re-make the antidote

before all of Fyredor is doomed for ever.

The Legend Of Dick And Dom continues.

Despite the perils they had faced,

our valiant princes continued their journey through Bottom World,

across mountains and streams, over hill and dale.

Oi!

Sorry, Dale.

On and on they went, through snake-infested swamps,

-monster-filled canyons...

-ROARING

..and a field with a wasp in it.

Thinking only of the poor, plague-ridden people of Fyredor,

never once did they stop to rest.

HE SNORES LUTIN: Typical!

Just give him another five minutes.

He's evil if he doesn't have a nap.

Yes, we should use our time wisely.

Oooh! Goat hurdling!

-No - let's put Dick's hand in water and see if he does a wee-wee!

-Yes!

I was rather thinking of the quest.

Right, yes, yes, yes, good, yes, that's good too.

HE SNORES AND MUTTERS

Right.

Ah-hem!

LUTIN: "The talon of a siren"?

What's that?

-Mannitol?

-Mannitol?

-Mannitol!

-Mummy!

-Yes? I mean, no. Definitely not!

Sirens are fearsome, man-eating beasts

that live on an uninhabited island in the Sea of Splish.

No man that has seen a siren has lived to tell the tale.

Legend has it that they are hideous creatures,

ten feet tall,

covered in scales, with sharp,

razor-sharp claws, spiky tails and the teeth of 12 dragons!

DOM AND MANNITOL WAIL Excuse me.

Man-eating, you say? Mm-hm.

Yeah? What about women-eating?

Yes, I expect so.

-THEY ALL WAIL

-No!

Pull yourselves together! We've got a quest to complete.

Right.

Dick, love.

-WAKE UP!

-Argh! What's going on?

We're off to find some man-eating sirens, with claws

-and the teeth of 12 dragons.

-Oh, right.

-Is this a dream?

-No, it's not a dream.

Cos if this is a dream,

-you're all about to start doing the pants dance.

-This isn't a dream.

-Cos if this IS a dream...

-It isn't a dream!

You always say that, and then start dancing.

And with that, Princes Dick and Dom and their trusty servants

set off in search of the fearsome, man-eating sirens.

GULLS CRY

Whoo-hoo!

BOTH: The sea!

THEY LAUGH AND SQUEAL

Siren Island is just beyond the horizon.

I shall magic a giant fish to take us there.

Yeah, or we could just hire a boat.

Whatever.

Thanks, Bro(!)

Come in, number 22, your time is up!

Whoa!

-What do you lot want?

-We are Princes Dick and Dom.

This is our manservant.

I do prefer "wizarding companion".

And this is our...wo...

-wo...

-Woman.

-Wom...?

-Woman.

-..woman servant.

-And we'd like to hire a boat...

-Ulp!

..to sail across the sea.

-Oh! Don't say that word!

-What word?

The ssnnn...the ssss... I must warn you,

-it's the ssss...

-The sea?

-Oh!

It's very dangerous. You might drown, or get stung by a jellyfish,

or swim through a warm patch, and you know what that means!

The ssss... Oh, she's a cruel mistress!

- The what? - The ssss...

-The sea?

-She punishes those who paddle in her briny shallows!

-What's a briny shallow?

-It's the sea.

Oh! SLAM!

Look, can we just hire a boat, please?

BOATMAN: No, they're all out, on the ssss...

-What's he saying?

-He doesn't like the word "sea".

-SMASHING AND SCREAMING

-See?

Oh, well. Looks like we're going to have to swim, then.

Certainly not! We're royalty!

I command you hire to us the finest vessel in your ffffleet!

I think I've got something that'll suit you just perfectly.

Ow!

Ooow! Oh, I'm beginning to agree with that boatman.

I hate the ssss...

ALL: Sea! Yes, thank you(!)

Fear not, Lutin, I know everything there is to know about sailing.

Yeah. You look like you do(!)

Thanks.

Port! Starboard! Hoist the mainbrace!

He's behind you! Oh, no, he isn't!

Oh, yes, he is! Pass me the futtock shrouds.

Oh, bum!

FARTING AND PLOPPING

Oh, Prince Dick, can you please stop doing that?

That is not the purpose of a poop deck!

Really?

WOMAN SINGS SWEETLY AND WORDLESSLY

Oh!

Ah! Argh!

Mannitol, please tell me, what is that wondrous singing?

I know not, Prince Dom,

but it truly is the most beautiful sound I have ever heard.

LOUD BUZZING What are you saying? It's awful!

Sounds like that time you dared Dick to put a ferret down his trousers.

-FERRET GROWLS MENACINGLY

-Go on.

Oh, all right, then!

-GROWL...CRUNCH!

-Aaargh!

Hah...ha-ha!

BEAUTIFUL SINGING

It's coming from that island over there.

In that case, weigh the anchor and bear a hand with the back wind!

-BOTH: What?

-Row, row, row! Come on!

-Get rowing.

-Put your back into it.

-Come on, Lutin!

-All right, sir!

So it was that Captain Dom and first mate Dick,

with a little help from Mannitol and Lutin,

steered their ship across the Sea of Splish.

Finally, after what seemed like almost an hour...

Land ahoy!

CRASH!

Told you. Ha-ha!

At last, Siren Island, home to that rarest of beasts,

the man-eating sirens.

Now, we must be on our guard. Sirens are dangerous creatures -

ten foot tall, covered in scales...

ALL: With razor-sharp claws and spiky tails.

-Tricky to spot, then(!)

-You mustn't joke, Prince Dom.

Sirens are the reason that the human population on this island is none.

-Don't you mean one?

-No, none.

-Well, who's that, then?

-HE LAUGHS

-Er, excuse me!

Hello!

THEY GRUNT WITH EFFORT

Excuse me.

-Excuse me.

-Leave this to me.

I will communicate with her in one of my many dialects.

Ah-hem!

HE SHOUTS: Hello!

We...are...looking...

for...the...sirens!

Roooaaar!

Hello, travellers. Welcome to Siren Island.

Sorry about them. Look, we're looking for...

I am Prince Dom.

And this is my brother, Prince Dick.

-Princes!

-Yes.

-How impressive.

HE GIGGLES

-Yes, yes, it is impressive, isn't it?

-We're on a quest.

Really? What kind of quest?

A very important quest. Top secret.

I am a wizard, you know. I can do magic.

Oooh!

I know.

Look, do you know where the sirens' lair is?

Yes. It's that way.

-Ah.

-Oh.

Cheers. Not at all...

sister.

..Yeeeah.

Byesie, boys!

So Lutin and the love-sick loonies

followed the path towards the sirens' lair.

On and on they went, on and on, on and...

Oh, they do go on, don't they?!

She was wonderful.

She was weird. There was definitely something very odd about her.

Whoa!

-For an uninhabited island, there's an awful lot of people here.

-Eh?

Madam...enchante.

What's your game? Oh, I mean... GIGGLES GIRLISHLY

We're looking for the sirens.

Are you mad? They'll eat you alive!

Have you seen any?

-Go back! Go back!

-I'm pretty sure the sign was pointing this way.

Don't listen to their singing!

-Sorry?

-Listen, for pity's sake, just get out of here while you still...

Oops!

Fainted.

Er...sorry about that.

He...

SHE...gets a bit excited sometimes.

Don't mind us!

What a woman!

LUTIN: Eh? Strong jaw. Big hands.

-Eh?

-Reminded me of my mother.

LUTIN: Am I the only one that thinks

that everybody on this island is just a bit weird? ..Oi! Wait!

OMINOUS GROWLING

SAVAGE CHOMPING

GROWLING AND SLURPING

DEEP BURP

BEAUTIFUL SINGING

LOUD BUZZING

Honestly, boys, I don't know how you can listen to this racket.

BEAUTIFUL SINGING

Play it cool, boys. Just follow my lead.

-You must be the princes...

-Yes.

-..and their brave wizard.

THEY SIMPER

- We've been expecting you. - You've heard of my magic?

-Everyone's heard of YOUR magic.

-Well, of course we have.

You're a very important wizard.

-I am? I mean, I am.

-What about me? What have you heard about me?

We've heard that YOU like sandwiches and being tickled on the chin.

-HE GIGGLES

-It's true! It's true!

Where is your female companion?

What? Who?

Oh, her. Oh, yes. No, no, over there. No, no, no.

And how is your very important, top-secret quest?

-Our what?

-Eh?

-Oh, yes! Oh, dear.

I'm afraid we are going to have to leave you.

-We must find the man-eating sirens.

-Yes, sorry. Sorry.

BEAUTIFUL SINGING

Where are you going?

- Haven't the foggiest. - Then why don't you stay?

ALL: OK.

Typical! Leave it all to me, why don't you?

I guess I'll have to find the sirens on my own.

Stupid idiots! Forget all about me, why don't you?

Supposed to be your friend? Hah!

What a joke! If I never see them again,

it'll be too... MUFFLED CRIES

EVIL CACKLING How do you like your men?

Well done!

WOMEN LAUGH AND PRISONER WAILS

HE TRIES TO CRY OUT Shut up!

Man-eating beasts.

The women...

they're the sirens!

The boys!

SIRENS LAUGH SEDUCTIVELY

Psst!

Psst!

-Psst!

-Oh, yes, all right. What?

-Eh?

-All right. What?

-I said, "All right. What?"!

-Ssh!

Your friends are in mortal danger.

If you want to save them, follow me!

HE SNIFFS

Ladies' perfume. That means only one thing.

Er, it's Friday night?

No. Sirens. Stay close.

-Stop messing about!

-Ssh!

-HE SNIFFS

-Ah!

There he was, sat on a horse the wrong way, covered in fish!

-Nice one, Jeff.

-Right, OK, where's Keith?

Oh, well, best be getting on.

So, gentlemen, I call this meeting

of the Sirens Resistance Committee, Siren Island Branch, to order.

Right. Item one.

Last week's bake sale was a storming success,

so a big "thank you" to Carl here for making the pastries.

-Well done!

-We raised a grand total of 13 thrumpets,

so still a little way to go before we can afford the new headquarters,

but I am quietly confident

that next fortnight's fun run will just about do it.

Moving on, moving on.

Item number two. How do we thwart the man-eating sirens? Now, I think

we were all surprised that the strongly worded letter we wrote 'em

didn't have much effect, so, sadly, we are back to the drawing board.

Anyone got any ideas?

-HIGH VOICE:

-Um, I thought we could organise a protest march.

Sorry, John, I didn't catch any of that.

A protest march?

No, no, still nothing.

-Oh, er...

-Tell you what, mate, act out what you want to say.

-Oh, all right.

-What are you trying to say?

-Um...

-Three words.

-First word.

-Um...

Cuddle?

I don't think cuddling is going to do the trick, John.

-Er...no. Um...

-All right, third word.

What's this?

Marching, yes, good idea! Why didn't you say that in the first place?

-I've made some signs.

-What did he say?

"Stop eating my mates!"

"Eat meat, not men!" Then...

Good one.

And... "I don't eat anything with a beard."

Right, excellent, right. So, a protest march. Diaries out.

I've got a dentist's appointment on Tuesday, and...

-Friday's our coffee morning.

-Oh, yeah, we can't miss that, Jeff.

So what about the following Monday?

-But that's John's birthday.

-Yeah.

-Is it? Right, well, that's out.

And I won second prize in Fyredor's Best Dressed Prince competition.

If he hadn't come dressed as a pineapple, I would have won.

-Mmm.

-You were robbed.

-I know.

I'm sorry, I can't think what went wrong. This never usually happens.

Um...

Right, a beautiful bunch of flowers, coming right up. Er...

Avocado, armadillo, Amarillo, daisy!

Oh, I'm sorry.

You're so clever!

So the next available day is... the 24th. How's that for everyone?

-Oh, that's good for me, Jeff.

-Yeah? Good. So that's done.

We march upon the sirens Wednesday fortnight.

Two weeks? You can't wait two weeks. You need to do something now!

ALL: Siren!

THEY GIBBER

Er...I'm NOT a siren.

Sorry, sorry, everyone. She's not a siren. She's with me.

-Ah, that's all right, then.

-Look...

my friends are about to be eaten by the sirens. Yeah.

And I'm not going to wait for some march that won't make any difference.

What do you suggest, then, young lady?

I suggest we stage an attack. THEY LAUGH UPROARIOUSLY

-We are too few. There are only five of us.

-Six.

Sorry, John, yes, six.

But I've got a plan. All we need is some glue,

some wood, eight pumpkins, your trousers and a really big spring.

This is what we'll do.

SHE WHISPERS

As shop steward of the Siren Resistance Committee,

Siren Island Branch, I'd like to present to you, Lutin, a talisman.

It will bring you good luck. And although you're a girl, you're OK.

Aw, you guys!

# For she's a jolly good fellow For she's a jolly... #

..good... Sorry.

Ready, boys? ALL: Ready.

-Not you, John.

-Sorry.

Lutin's cunning plan was set.

They put on their war paint and prepared for battle!

-Oh, John!

-I'm really sorry, Jeff.

-Not now. We'll sort it out later.

-All right.

-OK, boys. Ear muffs on.

Right. On my cue.

ALL: What?

-On my cue, yeah? OK - positions.

-OK.

OK, sisters, I think the prisoners are fat enough now.

Bu-urp!

-SNIFFING:

-Oh, smells nice. What's for din-dins?

Oh, just a little something we like to call "man surprise".

-Man surprise? What's that?

-Roast wizard and prince pie!

Aaargh! THEY HISS

BOYS SCREAM, SIRENS HISS

-Coo-ee!

-SIRENS SCREECH

Over here! THEY SCREECH

Over here.

-DEEP, COMMANDING VOICE:

-Here!

Get them!

NOW!

SIRENS SCREAM It's a basset hound!

Go on. What are you waiting for? Kick its head in!

I haven't had this much fun since we did that sponsored salsa. Remember?

SALSA MUSIC PLAYS AND THEY SING ALONG

SCREECHING

Back to work.

Come on, Dick and Dom!

Oh, Mannitol! Come on, Mannitol!

SIREN: You'll pay!

Revenge! You'll regret this!

Run, Lutin, run!

Right, then, let's finish them off!

Come on, men!

SIREN: Don't let them get away.

Get the fatties!

MEN LAUGH AND CHEER

THEY WHOOP

SIRENS SCREECH

BOYS GIBBER

Mummy!

Come on!

Oh, Mannitol!

Leave him, Lutin. He's finished.

Come on, back to the boat.

HE WAILS

Sirens! Sirens!

Roll, fatty, roll!

THEY LAUGH Bye!

MANNITOL GROANS AND BUMPS

MANNITOL: Aaaaaargh!

Quick - to the raft!

Wait, what happened to the raft?

-Uh-oh.

-What?

We, er, used it to make the weapons.

Oh! We're trapped!

SIRENS CACKLE

We've got you now!

I'm too beautiful to be eaten!

Yeah, and I'm too tangy!

As the sirens closed in, our heroes were doomed!

-Bye, ladies!

-Hey, hang on a minute.

-How did they...?

-MANNITOL: Get off me!

Oh, right! So using the fat Mannitol as a raft, our heroes escaped!

Unfortunately for the sirens, someone was a tad annoyed.

You have failed me. You let them get away, and I do not accept failure.

HE LAUGHS EVILLY

SCREAMS TURN TO BLEATING

How can I stay mad at you? Look at you.

Look at you, little sheepy, all warm and cosy, my little woolly one.

Oh! HE BREAKS WIND

Oh, that's disgusting!

I'm sorry, I don't think this cabbage soup diet agrees with me.

BREAKS WIND

Sorry. Yeah, it doesn't agree with me, either.

I can't believe we've failed the quest. Hmm?

After everything we've been through,

we failed to get one... ONE miserable siren's talon.

We're going home defeated, failures, just like they thought we would be.

So much for my lucky talisman. Piece of junk.

Here, what's that?

It's just an old fingernail.

Wait.

It's a siren's fingernail!

-The talon of a siren.

-Exactly!

THEY LAUGH Oh, yes!

THEY CHEER

HE BREAKS WIND Oh, Mannitol!

So once again and entirely by chance, our intrepid gang

had successfully found the next ingredient on their quest.

But could their luck continue?

What dangers might befall them?

And how long would it take Mannitol to climb up that hill?

Still, none of us are getting any younger.

You know, when I was young, I could run for miles.

Now I'm lucky if I don't get tired getting out of the armchair.

Am I rabbiting on?

Oh, is that a doughnut?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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