Garlic Tuesday The Legend of Dick and Dom

Many, many years ago, a terrible plague was turning the people

of Fyredor into horrible beasts and a few nice, cuddly ones.

Their only hope of a cure rested with Princes Dick and Dom,

their light-fingered servant, Lutin, and their trusty mage, Mannitol.

Unfortunately they were utterly useless.

They dropped the first antidote,

mucked up the replacement antidote...

-Get out!

-..and now must collect the ingredients

to re-remake the antidote before all of Fyredor is doomed forever.

The Legend of Dick and Dom

continues.

It was harvest time,

and Princes Dick and Dom were hard at work

collecting the next ingredient for the potion.

-Look, will you keep quiet? You'll scare off the turnips!

-Keep quiet?

They're pecking on me pockets!

Good! Well, at least it'll keep the birds busy.

We need a turnip for the potion.

There's got to be one in the field somewhere!

-What now?

-They're nipping me nipples!

Pull yourself together!

I'll never find a turnip if you keep distracting me!

-Have you found one?

-Yes! Yes!

Can we go now?!

Feast your eyes on...

this!

Is that it?

According to the scroll, we need the biggest turnip in Bottom World.

-That's the best we could find.

-It's pathetic.

You've done better, have you?

We two have scoured the fields of Enduriam and yea,

delved deep into the vegetable mines of Herbaceous Border.

And?

Sold out.

-So ours is the best we've got.

-Yeah!

Magic!

Right! Back to the fields. Come on, scarecrow.

-No! Don't make me go back there.

-Come on.

Or we could just follow this sign over here.

What sign?

"Much Silage, home of the world's biggest turnip."

I believe that Much Silage

is home to the most fertile soil in all of Bottom World.

Yeah, it's certainly got a distinctive smell.

Yeah. For such a fertile village, there doesn't seem to be much food around, does there?

Greedy peasants. They must have eaten the lot.

Stop playing with them, Dick. We have a job to do.

Let's ask this greengrocer where to find this giant turnip.

Oh, hello there! Spud to see you.

Oh!

Now then, what can I offer you?

Well, it doesn't look like you've got much to sell.

-It's pick your own, isn't it?

-Pick your own what?

Well, whatever takes your fancy, really.

But there's nothing there!

Yeah, we are a little low on stock, but if this stall was full of veg

there wouldn't be mushroom for anything else, would there?

Look, we're after the world's biggest turnip.

-Oh!

-Yeah, I think we've found him.

Oh, well, you've come to the right place, for I am Johnny Greenfingers,

grower, owner, and guardian

of Bottom World's biggest turnip, Betsie.

Ole!

-Betsie?

-Ole! That's right.

So, er, why do they call you Greenfingers, Greenfingers?

Eh? Oh, I've got no idea.

Right, follow me.

You're just in time.

We're going to eat her tomorrow.

You're going to eat Betsie?

Ole!

Oh, sorry. Yeah, just joining in.

Got no choice. She's the only food we've got left in the village.

But I thought Much Silage was a very fertile land.

Oh, yeah, it is! Trouble is, we've got a slight problem with an ogre.

An ogre?

Fearsome creature.

Eats everything we grow.

We're starving.

Right, then,

here she is.

My Betsie.

Ole!

I expect you're wondering how I got her so big.

No, not really.

Well, it's all to do with the acidity of the soil,

the quality of the mulch and my own special turnip massage.

All right, that's enough.

Yeah, she's perfect. We'll take her. How much do you want for her?

Oh, no, I couldn't sell her.

If I sold her, the village would starve, wouldn't it?

Well, since you put it like that,

I don't care!

We need that turnip. Now stand aside.

I'd like to see you try.

How do you think I've kept the ogre off her all this time?

She's got a protective spell on her. Watch. Beep, beep.

Rubbish.

Dick, give me a hand.

With the turnip.

CRACKLING

THEY GROAN

Well, I did warn you.

Yep, very effective.

So why don't you use this magic spell on all your crops?

It's expensive. We could only afford to protect one vegetable.

And it had to be her.

No ogre will make off with you, will they, my dear?

Has this ogre been troubling you for long?

Oh, well, let me see. Today's the last Tuesday in June...

Last Tuesday in June. Already?

What if I was to say we could rid you of this ogre forever?

I'd say you were talking about somebody else.

-For we four are fearless ogre slayers.

-Ooh?

The last Tuesday of June!

We've been on the road so long I've lost track of time!

If we rid your village of the ogre, will you give us Betsie... ole!

..as payment?

All right, it's a deal.

The last Tuesday in June?

It's Garlic Tuesday!

BOTH: # Garlic Tuesday

# Garlic Tuesday, Garlic Tuesday Garlic Tuesday, Garlic Tuesday

# Garlic Tuesday, Garlic Tuesday Garlic Tuesday, Garlic Tuesday... #

Fearless ogre slayers, you say?

They were just psyching themselves up.

-Erm, come on, we have work to do.

-Too right we have!

Back to camp! It's Garlic Tuesday!

# Garlic Tuesday, Garlic Tuesday Garlic Tuesday, Garlic Tuesday

# Garlic Tuesday, Garlic Tuesday Garlic Tuesday... #

I am so excited I think I'm going to wet meself.

-Maybe later.

-Ooh!

Right, so, what about this wonderful plan, then?

Of course we've got a plan.

Dick will make decorations, I'll make hats!

-But how's that going to help us catch an ogre?

-Catch an ogre?

Why would you want to do that? Sounds scary!

Besides, it's Garlic Tuesday!

And nobody works on Garlic Tuesday!

Erm, I have never heard of Garlic Tuesday.

Don't be daft, everyone celebrates Garlic Tuesday. Don't they, Dom?

Oh, yes, everybody celebrates Garlic Tuesday.

# It's the fun-filled festival of everything smelly! #

Oh, OK, Dick, why don't you just go and decorate the tree?

Brilliant!

Look, OK, there's a reason you've never heard of Garlic Tuesday.

-It's because he's the only person that celebrates it.

-And why is that?

OK, it's like this.

When Dick was seven, I had just a bit of harmless fun.

I don't want it!

Don't be a big baby. Everybody likes chocolate spread and garlic.

-You'll end up big and strong like me.

-I don't care.

-You have to eat it.

-Why?

-Cos it's Garlic Tuesday!

The fun-filled festival of everything stinky.

You have to eat disgusting things. It's law!

Well, if it is Garlic Tuesday.

Delicious!

-Really?

-What else have you got?

It's, er, chicken with fish paste, mustard, curry powder and garlic.

Lovely.

Garlic and horseradish banana split. Ha!

Yum.

-Strawberry surprise.

-What's the surprise?

Stuffed with garlic.

-What's for pudding?

-That's it. We're out of everything.

Not fair.

Don't worry, Garlic Tuesday comes round once a year.

We can do it all again then.

I can't wait.

You promise?

Don't breathe on me.

You little swine.

It's what older brothers do!

Wish I hadn't. Every year since we have to celebrate Garlic Tuesday.

It's become a tradition. Dick loves it.

And what about you?

I hate it. It stinks. I only do it for the look on his face.

Look, don't tell him.

It'd break his heart.

Yes, and make you look like a horrible little...

-Yeah, exactly.

-Dom! Dom! I've finished the garlic tree!

-Garlic tree?

-I've added a few things as the years have gone on.

Does anyone want to pull me garlic cracker?

See?

I hate garlic.

Oh, don't be such a spoilsport! Come on!

Look,

if you don't join in, you won't get a present from Farty Whiffmas.

-Farty Whiffmas?

-I know. He's the spirit of Garlic Tuesday.

He's a grubby old man in a brown cloak.

Creeps around while children sleep, leaves them a stinking present.

You have to leave for him a glass of cod liver oil,

a sprout pie and, of course, a pickled onion for Rudey.

And Rudey is...?

Rudey, the red-bummed skunk pig!

You know!

# Rudey the red-bummed skunk pig! Has a very shiny bum! #

Farty Whiffmas flies through the air in a trough pulled by

12 flying skunk pigs propelled by their own magical trumps.

This really is the stupidest thing you have ever come up with.

And that includes egg tennis.

We have a very important quest to fulfil.

We can't be wasting our time with Garlic Tuesday.

I agree with Mannitol. I can't believe I just said that.

No, I'm not going anywhere,

cos Farty Whiffmas won't know where I've gone.

Oh, yes, and I've got a garlic supper to prepare.

We've got an ogre to catch!

I'm sure you can handle it.

Right, fine. Lutin, death and danger await.

Er... death and danger, you say?

Yes, hop to it.

Thing is, my family, they celebrate Garlic Tuesday too.

What?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's really important to me.

So I'm going to stay here and help out the boys,

and you can go off and find that terrifying ogre. OK?

Right, fine. Yes, I'll do it without you cramping my style.

I'll have the ogre caught and brought to justice before nightfall. Ha!

So, then, what do you want to do?

Er, well, I presume that...

-You can be Stinky Pongy!

-Come againy?

-Yeah, Stinky Pongy.

Farty Whiffmas' little helper who sits in the back of the trough

-handing out stinky presents.

-All right, then.

Good. There's your potty. And the fish paste for your hair.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no. Do you know what? Stuff this.

I think I'd rather take my chances with an ogre.

Having decided that Garlic Tuesday wasn't really for her,

Lutin set off to join Mannitol,

who was going to need all the help he could get.

When I said I'd help, this wasn't exactly what I had in mind.

Well, if you want to catch an ogre,

we've got to lure him out, haven't we?

And you're the bait.

GROWLING

-Arghh!

-Everybody back!

GROWLING

SCREAMING

Help me, Mummy!

I'm too beautiful to die!

Oh, pull yourself together, man.

You're a magician. You can get out of this.

Lunchbox, artichoke, penguin, Chichester!

Brilliant(!)

I think he likes you.

What's next in the plan?

Well, how should I know?

I got him here. You said you'd catch him.

Yes, but I didn't think I'd be tied to a stake.

GROWLING

Oh, don't say "stake". Sorry!

Leave my friend alone!

Brilliant! Now you've got his attention. What's next?

Er, running really fast into the distance!

Ooh! Good one.

SCREAMING

Well, that was fun.

I can see you're professionals.

-Untie me! Lutin needs our help!

-Ooooh!

Nothing like the smell of garlic... on an open fire.

LUTIN SCREAMS

Oh, look, Lutin.

Oh, look,

an ogre.

Dom! Dom!

It's time to hang up me stinky stocking.

-Eh?

-And it should be really good and stinky...

cos I haven't washed it since last year.

Yeah, Farty Whiffmas won't have any problems finding that!

-Now have you got your Whiffmas list?

-Oh, yeah, of course.

-Ooh, it's a big 'un.

-Well, I've been a really smelly boy this year.

Yes. Yes, you have. Right, right.

Erm, right.

That's a lot of cack. I don't know if Farty Whiffmas

will have room in his trough for all that cack.

Well, whatever he brings, I'll be happy, cos I love Garlic Tuesday!

Yes, yes, yes. Well, might as well send the letter, hm?

Right, you know where to put it.

# Stinky Pongy, Stinky Pongy

# Nothing smells like you... #

-Dom? You know after I've shoved this letter down your trousers?

-Yes?

How does it get to Farty Whiffmas?

By using very, very special magic.

Oh! OK.

It looks like she came through here very quickly.

Ah, Mr Greenfingers!

Come and join us for a garlic supper. The more the merrier.

I like a bit of garlic. It's fin-garlic-ing good!

Oh, I love garlic!

Wait, just slow down.

You'll spoil your garlic supper.

And also, if you're not careful,

you won't get a visit from Farty Whiffmas.

He's not likely to get a visit from Farty Whiffmas, is he?

No, it's me! I'm Farty Whiffmas.

There's a costume in my bag.

You don't do things by halves, do you?

You really are a complete loony.

Farty Whiffmas is going to bring me loads of presents,

cos I posted a letter down Dom's trousers.

Ohhh! Do you think he might have a present for me?

Only if you've been a really smelly boy.

Oh, I've been really smelly. It's the manure.

Oh, fingers crossed, then.

Aren't we forgetting something?

Oh, yeah. I got to post a letter down the back of your trousers.

-What?

-No, no, no. No, no, no, no. No!

The ogre?

Oh! Yes. Right, first things first.

Then lettuce be off.

You make me want to cough...

# Stinky Pongy! Stinky Pongy! #

Right, yes, the trail ends by that cave over there.

Oh, brilliant. She must have trapped the ogre in the cave.

Well, in you go, then.

No, I'm sure Lutin has it all under control.

SCREAMING

Ah, Lutin!

Yes, you've got it under control.

Fangs! Claws! Eyes! Hair!

Yes, very good. I want to go back in there and drag him out for us.

Stand your ground. I'm sure he's more afraid of us than we are of him.

Arghhh!

Want a bet?

Will you just calm down?

I can't, I'm too excited. I want to wait up for Farty Whiffmas.

Well, he won't come if you're still awake. Now go to sleep.

-I can't.

-Why?

-I'm listening for the sound of jingle smells.

-Oh. Just go to sleep.

Sleep, sleep, sleep.

SCREAMING

Oh, look. There's Lutin.

SCREAMING

Mannitol and Johnny.

GROWLING

And an angry ogre.

-Isn't it nice when everyone pops around for Garlic Tuesday?

-Ah yeah.

-Come on, go to sleep.

-No, I'm too excited!

-OK, I know what'll help.

Would you like some garlic sausage?

Works every time.

Is this all part of the plan then?

-BOTH: Shut up, Johnny.

-Oh!

Never fear, I know just the thing.

What could be more useful to stop an ogre than a cauldron of boiling oil?

Icepop, buttercup, candlestick, matchstick!

Great(!) What are we supposed to do with that?

# Go to sleep, go to sleep

# go to sleep, ugly ogre

# La la la la, la la la la... #

# It's working! You're actually boring him to sleep.

# La la la, la la la... #

OK, let's tie him up.

Ah-ah-ah! I can do better than that.

Something more sturdy, like a sack.

Picture frame, shoelace, shuttlecock, broom!

It'll do.

Come on, let's get him inside.

Oh, back to the camp.

We must show the princes that we've got him.

They'll be so pleased with us.

Do you always gift-wrap the ogres when you catch them?

-Oh, shut up, Johnny.

-Oh.

Ho ho ho!

Now then, young Dick, have you been a smelly little boy this year?

Oh, typical. Fast asleep.

Right, here's your stinky stocking full of garlic.

I'll go and get your big pressie.

Ow!

Right, that's it.

That's as far as I go.

Oh, look, there's Prince Dick.

Oi! Lazybones! Get up! Come on, we've got work to do.

Let him sleep.

Oh, doesn't he look sweet?

Yeah, whatever.

Now, I'm just going to leave a little note on it

so that when he wakes up he knows it's for him.

"To the Princes". There we go.

And that's shallot.

Right, now we've sorted out that ogre,

let's go and see about my Betsie.

Ole!

Uh? What?

Is it raining?

In me ear?

Oh! He's been!

He's been!

Oh! Farty Whiffmas has brought me a stinky stocking!

Oh, and it's full of garlic!

I love garlic!

Oh, presents!

Oh, wow. Oh, this is the biggest Garlic Tuesday present ever!

Thank you, Farty Whiffmas!

Ah, it's to both of us.

Maybe I should wait till Dom gets here to I open it.

Nah.

Ho ho ho! No, no, no! Oh!

Oh! Farty Whiffmas! Is that really you?

Oh, thank you for the pressie. It's enormous!

That's not from me. I have got you a cowpat in an old boot.

Maybe there is a real Farty Whiffmas.

-What?

-What? Nothing.

No, nothing. Look, I wouldn't open that if I was you.

It's a crazed ogre covered in sweat!

Oh, and he's wet himself as well.

This is the stinkiest Garlic Tuesday present ever!

Thank you, Farty Whiffmas! Farty Whiffmas?

Step away from the box.

No, no, come on, look, he's lovely.

An ogre's not just for Garlic Tuesday, he's for life.

Do not touch the ogre.

Oh, come on. Look, he's so cute.

Aren't you? You're so cute.

Cootchie-cootchie-cootchie!

SCREAMING

So here's your reward, a certificate of ownership for my Betsie.

Well, I can safely say on my reputation as a magnificent wizard,

that you will never be hearing from that troublesome ogre ever again.

-No.

-Ogre! Ogre! Angry!

SCREAMING

He's really mad. I think he's already eaten Dom.

It's a good job he hasn't eaten Farty Whiffmas,

or there'd be no more Garlic Tuesday.

Oh, for Heaven's sake, Dick. It's me.

I am Farty Whiffmas.

Dom!

-You mean for all these years...

-Yes.

..you've been travelling round in a magic green trough

-handing out all the presents?

-Ye... No!

-I mean, there is no Farty Whiffmas. I made it up, you bonehead.

-What?

Er, guys? The ogre?

-Not now, Lutin.

-Shut it!

You mean you made it all up?

Yes. There is no Garlic Tuesday.

Only a complete moron wouldn't have realised this years ago.

This has to be the worst day of my life!

I just don't see how this day could get any worse.

Er, the ogre might be about to rip your head off.

Oh, yeah.

Arghhhh!

He's backing away. How is he doing that?

It must be all that garlic he's been eating. The ogre doesn't like it.

You've got him cornered. Keep going, Dick!

Guys, give me a hand here.

Look, I've got more garlic in my sack.

OK, come on, put it in your mouth.

On the count of three... Ready?

One, two, three!

I think it's working!

And now for the final move.

KISSING

He's dead!

CHEERING

So are they.

Ah, well.

Johnny? Johnny?

Oh.

Right. Shall we, er, go?

With the ogre of Much Silage slain, along with all the villagers,

or heroes headed off to add Betsie to the potion.

You saw the look on Johnny Greenfingers' face.

He believed in Farty Whiffmas.

Maybe he is real, in a way, if someone believes in him.

Yeah, and if it hadn't've been for Farty Whiffmas and his sack,

we never would have got away from that ogre.

I cannot wait until next year.

Only 364 days to go! Garlic Tuesday, Garlic Tuesday...

Has anyone got a peppermint?

And so the Princes and their faithful companions set off

to find next ingredient for the potion.

And possibly pick up some mouthwash along the way.

BELLS JINGLE

But wait! What's this, boys and girls?

Can you hear the sound of jingle smells?

Oh, but Prince Dom said he didn't believe in me!

Oh, don't you worry about it.

Oh no!

Please not you! Anybody but you!

No, please! Not you! Arghhh!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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